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Topic : 12/23 Real Life: Heart Shattered

Number of Replies: 176
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Created on : Friday, September 12, 2008, 01:17:09 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
(Original Air Date: 09/16/08) Are you prepared for the unexpected? Life is not a success-only journey, but when you're faced with difficult days, you don't have to become a victim. In his new book, Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Days of Your Life, Dr. Phil teaches you how to prepare for a crisis before it arrives, and how to get back to better days. One of the most challenging days can come the day your heart is shattered, especially if you experience a loss. Amber says she was living the perfect life. She and her sisters dreamed of marrying a man like their dad and having a great relationship like their parents'. She says they were totally blindsided on Father's Day when their dad told their mom he wanted a divorce. Hear their emotional story and learn what you can expect to feel when you lose something precious to you. Plus, find out Dr. Phil's action plan to help you get through the difficult period. Then, Sylvia is a mother to 4-year-old twins and is seven months pregnant. She was married to a Marine sergeant for seven years who tragically lost his life —  not on the battlefield — in a car accident when he returned home. Now, each day is a battle for Sylvia. Dr. Phil shares his action steps for grieving, in an effort to help the mourning mom move forward. Today, Sylvia is struggles to pay for her basic necessities. Don't miss Dr.Phil's amazing surprise for her! Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

December 23, 2008, 9:36 pm CST

Real Life-I am living it

I went through a heck of a couple years in 96 and 97.  It starts with a difficult pregnancy, almost dying both my baby and myself in Nov 96.  Pulled through that.  Feb 97 had hernia surgery.  Finally getting back to normal with a colicy baby for 4 months and in July of 97, 1 day before my anniv, my mother dies from a gastric artery rupture at 56.   Trying to cope with that and in Sept of 97 had another surgery.  Had my thyroid removed and found out I had thyroid cancer. 

This is real life.  What I did was suck it up and deal with it.  What can I do?  I have children to take care of.  Since that time I have found out that me and my children have been diagnosed with an aneurysm syndrome and all 3 of us has had open heart surgery. 

I don't mean to sound cold and heartless, but life goes on.  Dr. Phil makes it sound like you just acknowledge it all and it goes away.  WRONG!  It never goes away.  Now I have 3 children, 2 with heart issues along with myself, work full time and deal with every day life.  You have to. 

Dr. Phil, I have watched your show as much as my schedule will allow, which is mostly at night.  I acknowledge the fact that I have medical issues, alot of loss in my family, parents almost divorced, and trouble within my own marriage.  How much more can a person take? 

What you do is just keep going!  This is real life.
 
December 24, 2008, 12:02 am CST

OVERCOMING LOSS

You wanted to hear our stories.  Well here's mine.  I have asked for help from a number of sources -- including from you on 3 or 4 occasions, Dr. Phil.  I have had no response from you except a list of resources that either didn't answer or stated that they couldn't help with my problem.

 

I lost a dear friend in April that so reminded me of my daddy who died when I was seven. In June, my mother died. The airlines messed up my connecting flight and I almost missed her funeral. I was caught in the flood waters in the Midwest and nearly didn't get back home so I could make my finals in college. NO ONE acknowledged my loss, except for an "official" card from my church.

 

In July was the anniversaries of my daddy's and brother's deaths.  My brother was murdered. I had to clean his place up after his death. He abused me when I was a kid.  I have ambivalent feelings there. At the end of September, I lost a friend that I had been close with but had lost touch with in the past few years.  She was younger than me, and it seemed such a waste to lose someone so young. 

 

The first part of November my sister died.  She could have been my twin.  We had the same sense of humor, acted so much alike, and thought alike.  I loved her so much.  I was planning to visit her this month, and I will never see her again now. She was the one I was closest to.  NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGED MY LOSS OF MY SISTER. I was on the phone with a stranger after my sister died because I felt so suicidal. She was a therapist and talked to me for hours.  A few days later was the anniversary of the death of my beloved kitty, BooBear. He had come to me terribly hurt and almost dead, only to respond to good nourishment and lots of love. He learned to communicate in other ways and that biting was not the way to get what he wanted and needed.

 

On December 8, a man who had CP was in the hospital and was supposed to go home that day.  The hospital called and told us they were trying to revive him. They called back and said he had died. He had become like a brother over the past 15 years. He was the sweetest person and never complained about what he had to suffer through or the pain that he was in.

 

Finally, SO FAR,  my brother in law committed suicide on December 9.  He was two  years old when I married his brother, my husband.  My husband was the oldest, Marty was the youngest and as much my brother as any part of the family. On top of all of this, we are about to lose our home, and my husband doesn't have steady work.  I am on disability

 

So how do I get past one loss after the other?  I am waiting for someone else to die. I want and need out of this pain. I can't take more loss. I don't think anyone can prepare for this kind of loss. I know how easy it is to just give up.  So easy to forget what I have done or when I have done it. Most of the time I can't remember if I have taken my meds or not.  In my nightmares I am jumping off of cliffs or walking into the ocean. It is so easy and so final. I don't think that I can get past this alone.  I am so tired and physically sick. Being strong for everyone else and not having anyone to turn to or talk to about some of the things that are too emotionally charged for family -- I feel like I am being eaten alive and exploding all at the same time.  I guess I should just do what I have to do -- and make it as innocent as possible.  I know I am not in my right mind.

 
December 26, 2008, 5:04 pm CST

I Lost My Children to Divorce

I have not seen my 2 children, Jessica (16) and Jonathan (13) in nearly 2 years. I went through a terrible divorce trial, could not afford a lawyer, and my rich husband won everything. Though the judge ordered that I have visitations with my children, my Ex has alienated me and kept me from having any contact with them for nearly 2 years. I cannot call them on the phone, email them, or even mail them letters or leave them presents, for my Ex makes sure they do not get them. He says they do not want to see me, but I cannot ask them myself. I can't afford a lawyer to rectify the situation. I have a Master's degree in English, gave up my college teaching career to homeschool my children before I left their father, and have published 4 books (science fiction, fantasy, and true cancer survival stories). I used to be addicted to prescription pain killers, etc., and this did not help when I tried to defend myself in my Divorce Trial. I was in a bad car accident and injured my neck, and I cannot presently work except to write from home. I see my children only in my dreams, and this is tearing out my heart. Any ideas on how I can survive this?
 
December 27, 2008, 5:45 pm CST

coping

I have had a 10 year spell of "coping".  The year I lost my father, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  The silver lining was my dad was no longer suffering for each breath he took and I was only Stage I and the cancer had not spread. 

 

Two years later my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and has since suffered a stroke and had an aortic aneurysm repair.  She is currently doing well and the blessing of this disease is that she can't remember the memories that hurt the most. 

 

I had gotten married but my now ex could not get along with my son and refused to care for his out of control diabetes.  When he refused medical treatment, I called an ambulance and was told had I waited, he would have died within 2 hours.  My thanks?  His family looked at me as though I waited on purpose -- only his doctor knew how I struggled with him.  When his doctor called, not realizing that we had separated, he said I must finally feel relieved to not have to deal with my ex's health anymore -- they all wondered if he was harboring a secret death wish. He has had three surgeries to help clear up his eyesight and is on the verge of going on dialysis -- I pray that he does not cause an accident while driving the tractor trailer he drives for work.  The divorce has only been final for a month and he is already living with someone else and has already bought another car to restore.

 

Just before I placed my mom in a nursing home because I just couldn't cope with the incontinence and her behaviors and not sleeping at night, I was diagnosed again with cancer, again Stage I and received no sympathy or help from any family members.  My son was devastated and resented the fact that I was staying with my husband.  Thankfully I was not subjected to radiation and chemo again -- I don;t think at this point I could have handled going through that again.

 

My last straw with my husband came as I found out my son had been molested by a brother-in-law who had since passed from cancer.  He basically said it was no big deal, happened a long time ago, the guy was dead and to get over it.  It took me a year to get myself ready, but I divorced him. 

 

I no longer carry the baggage of his telling me that my beliefs meant nothing and that I blew everything out of proportion.  I lost all interest in my hobbies and was just going through the motions of living day to day like a robot.  He was heavily in credit card debt and only paid it off by selling his house.  He told me that I was the one who had problems - not him.  I was the crazy one for worrying about our financial status and trying to make longterm plans.  He said I was obsessed with death and spent too much time with my son.  It was okay for him to spend money on restoring cars (very expensive hobby) but if I bought craft supplies or scrapbooks for my pictures, I was wasting my time buying "junk". 

 

I may not have gotten any monetary settlement from the divorce but I did gain my self-respect back.  I tried living my life his way and became severely depressed - his behavior towards me and my son nearly cost me my relationship with my family members.  I wished that I had the courage to leave him earlier.  I can now say that I am happier, my son is coping better than expected and my family is once again back in my life.  I am living alone right now, my son moved in with his girlfriend and I am living paycheck to paycheck trying to support a house that is owned by my and my two sisters -- they contribute nothing.  They do nothing to keep up yard maintenance and they provide no monetary support to keep this house in good repair -- I am doing it all -- even paying the real estate taxes on my own.

 

My advice to everyone would be not to lose yourself and your beliefs in order to make someone else happy.  I lost myself for 11 years putting on a happy face and not letting anyone know how much I was really hurting.  I sat myself down and took a good long, hard look at my life and decided that it was not where I wanted to be.  I finally told people around me how I really felt, not only about me, but how I felt about them,  whether they wanted to hear it or not.  I was not doing it to make friends, I was doing it to make myslef feel whole again.  I am finally beginning to enjoy life again.  I am single now and have no regrets and am not looking for another relationship.  I know where my finances stand and I am not living a lie any more. 

 

I am by no means saying it is easy, I could really use some financial help but I am living day by day.  The house still needs some repairs but I will not put money into it knowing that my sisters will reap the benefits should I have to sell or by the grace of God get the chance to buy them out.  They are in no way willing to help me out and I refuse to make it a windfall for them seeing how it has been only myself who is willing to work at this so hard.

 

Things will someday day get even better.  I have a lot to be thankful for -- I have my health (although I am carrying some extra weight, have cholesterol and blood pressure issues) -- both my cancers are currently in remission, I have a son who is coping and working towards getting his life back on track and is happy with his girlfriend, my family is better at being there for me (or giving me space when they think that I need it) and I have a few co-workers who give me support when I need it and my dogs provide the unconditional love.

 

I have reached some of the lowest points in my life, I hope now that things can finally get better and that I can finally start to heal -- I want to be happy again some day and not have to spend so much time worrying about what will happen tomorrow.

 
June 19, 2009, 4:08 pm CDT

God Bless All Of You

God hears prayers and answers them if they are in accordance with His will.  I ask that all of you remember God loves you and if you keep the  faith He will get you through.  Watch any negative thoughts...LAW OF ATTRACTION.  Be blessed.   Have FAITH.

 
June 19, 2009, 4:16 pm CDT

What Do You Do?

Quote From: younique

I went through a heck of a couple years in 96 and 97.  It starts with a difficult pregnancy, almost dying both my baby and myself in Nov 96.  Pulled through that.  Feb 97 had hernia surgery.  Finally getting back to normal with a colicy baby for 4 months and in July of 97, 1 day before my anniv, my mother dies from a gastric artery rupture at 56.   Trying to cope with that and in Sept of 97 had another surgery.  Had my thyroid removed and found out I had thyroid cancer. 

This is real life.  What I did was suck it up and deal with it.  What can I do?  I have children to take care of.  Since that time I have found out that me and my children have been diagnosed with an aneurysm syndrome and all 3 of us has had open heart surgery. 

I don't mean to sound cold and heartless, but life goes on.  Dr. Phil makes it sound like you just acknowledge it all and it goes away.  WRONG!  It never goes away.  Now I have 3 children, 2 with heart issues along with myself, work full time and deal with every day life.  You have to. 

Dr. Phil, I have watched your show as much as my schedule will allow, which is mostly at night.  I acknowledge the fact that I have medical issues, alot of loss in my family, parents almost divorced, and trouble within my own marriage.  How much more can a person take? 

What you do is just keep going!  This is real life.
Pray and keep praying.  WISDOM, KNOWLEDGE, DISCERNMENT AND KEEP THE FAITH.  God answers pray.  "Depression" is the tool Satan uses. Get help whether it's counseling or family and friend support. Read His Word on a daily basis.  I will pray as well for your healing.  Be blessed.
 
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