Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

II was really interested in the topic on tonight's show becuse I am a single mother divorced 2 years now with NO RIGHTS TO MY CHILD!! My exhusband recieved full custody of my son who is only six by default, We were living together at the time and had reconciled , so I thought , when he recieved custody behind my back. Two years later and 30, 000 dollars later I only see my son every other weekend. The Court wouldnt hear my story becuse I did not take a parenting class on time and threw out my entire case even though my X- husband has commtied suicide three times and has a history of domestic violence with his previous spouse. And on top of that his wifes 4 children were molested by their father for 10 years and she denied ever knowing that . How do you not know your children are being molested in your own home , and for 10 years? !!! I am very concerned with my son now residing in a home with 4 older boys whow ere abused for so long , a controlling step mom and a suicidal dad !! I am int he process of appeals for the court still after a year and am runnignout of patience. I feel ther justice system is failing in our country. Any comments or Questions? or ADVICE!! ?

I have been divorced over 10 years now.  For the first three years, my ex was busy with his social life and used me as a baby sitter each and every weekend which made it harder for me to get on with my own.  If and when he did see our daughter, at the end of each visit, he would take her out to the lake and tell her he wanted her to "be on my side" (his).  In his deep-rooted resentment of me, he refused to attend any of her ball games unless he had a date.  It was very strange.  I think he thought that I was still after him, but, heck, if he didn't want me any more, I just wanted him to be happy.  It did hurt like hell, at first, but I am pragmatic enough to know if someone is unhappy, the home will be unhappy, too.  I could live with it

with a clear heart.  It was his lack of interest in having a relationship with our daughter, at first, and his "wrap-up" at the end of those visits which should have cued me about the future. 

For his first real relationship, he moved from an apartment and into a rental home with a lady...and her younger daughter.  My daughter had not even adjusted to the change in our home and he failed to see how this might strike a chord of jealousy in our daughter.  Add to that, one night, my daughter was visibly upset.  I asked her if she wanted to talk about it.  She said she wasn't sure.  I told her that I wanted her to know that she could tell me anything...that I was older and I'd probably heard most things by now.  It was then that my daughter told me "you wouldn't believe the things I could tell you", then looked away.  Something in the way she said that shook me inside, yet I tried to appear unphased.  I told her that I just wanted her to know that I was there for her if she wanted to talk.  She then told me that ..."Daddy said that if I told, then they would take him to jail and I'd never see him again."  My heart skipped a beat or two...I composed myself, took a breath and said that I thought that maybe Dad was exaggerrating, but that I wanted to keep her safe and since something was bothering her, if there was something I could do to help, I would. 

It was then that she told a very long, very detailed story about what she had witnessed on several occasions on the few times that he had taken her overnight.  In a way I was relieved that her story was not one of him sexually abusing her, but of his exploits with a lady.  It was clear to me that, at best, he had not been a responsible father during these visits.  As a result, my daughter learned an awful lot of anatomy and specifically sexual biology at the age of nine.  I brought it up to him, independently of her, and of course he denied it.  "Maybe it was a dream".  It was then that he began to brain wash her by telling her it was a dream...over and over and over again...and he put the burden of "saving" him on her.  All I asked for from him was discretion, but he denied it happened and would not discuss the matter.  That was his tactic...denial.  Then, brainwashing.  At no time did he own his own culpability for whatever did actually occur, because it happened fairly often.  And, at no time, did I ever feed or lead her in her telling of her story.  I did seek the help of a child psychologist and my ex got more and more adamant that he would not spend his weekends, even for a period of adjustment for weekends when he was supposed to have our daughter visiting, without the company of a lady.  Finally, the behavior got so bad that the child psychologist wrote a letter to the court asking that overnight visitation be temporarily halted.  Our daughter started making sounds to describe what she was hearing during her visits. (Note: temporarily)  He went ballistic.  He accused me of alienating our daughter from him.  (I, myself, lost my own father to death at the age of 11, so I truly tried to work with him in reestablishing a relationship with her. Probably tolerated too much in the meantime.)  After a while, he started dating the person he married.  I had known this person, only as a collegue of my ex, and, as far as I knew she seemed to be fine. Boy, oh boy, was I ever wrong!  This person began to talk with my daughter about keeping secrets from me.  Now, I didn't ask a lot of questions, but my daughter did talk a lot as part of her personality.  So, when she suddenly "clammed-up" I knew something was awry.  One day, this woman called my home to ask our daughter allegedly about details for a game that was going to happen during her visit with her dad.  Simple enough.  But, when my daughter was on the computer, she would often just hit speakerphone to talk so she could stay online and type, so I heard the conversation.  This person said she wanted to take our daughter shopping...simple enough...but then, when our daughter said she was going to ask me if she could do something, this person stopped her in her tracks and said, "Wait...wait, _____, why don't we make this decision just between us, okay?"  My radar as a Mom knew that this person had encouraged and manipulated our daughter into a sort of pact with her...the beginning of keeping all sorts of secrets from me had begun.  Now some things were not so important.  Others, well, they were evil.  This woman not only took over my ex's life.  That was his business.  But, she began to ask all kinds of questions about how I lived my life.  Then she began to mock, laugh at, and denegrate the most intimate details of my life...from the way I dressed, the color I had the shutters painted, the school I had attended, the church, and then...she began to tell my daughter the worst secret of my life.  There were no limits to what she would say about me, and, my ex relished this new power over our daughter.  Then, I am disabled, so I can only work part-time.  They attacked that.  I receive alimony.  And I used to receive child support, both from him and from the state to help me raise my daughter.  Those monies literally cut his child support responsibility in half, so you'd think he would appreciate that.  Nope.  When our daughter got to high school age, suddenly I became an unfit mother.  Suddenly, I went from his own admission that I was a "good Mom"  to going after custody because I physically abused her.  The way he told it, it was an everyday occurrance.  If that was so, then why didnt he "step-in"  Truth...it wasn't so...all of this arose when he married this person and suddenly, they decided that they were going to get our daughter, stop the child support payment, and have the depend disability transferred from my household to theirs.  And, damn if they didn't do it. 

Here's the thing:  I felt that something had changed with my own attorney, so I asked the young fellow who had begun to help me if I was with the right representation.  His answer,
"If you tell this, I will deny it.  Do you understand?  I could be held responsible as an accessory." Desperate to know I said, "Yes" 

He began to tell the story..."After you leave, I have been told to report to _____'s office where he will hand me an empty briefcase.  I will take it to opposing counsel's office where I will hand it over to his secretary.  She will take it into his office and leave it for a while. He will then fill it and lock it.  He will buzz her back in and she will enter his office, retrieve it, and hand it over to me. I will take it and return it to ____'s office where I will leave it."

I, niaively, asked, "What will he put in it?"

"Paper, of sorts."

Immediately, I knew.  Things fell together.  My ex paid my attorney off to have him take a pass on helping me with my custody case.   

My attorney's wife, who was office manager, had told me to pay her $100/mo and I could take as long as it took to pay it off.  It would be fine.  Suddenly, the week before this, I called _____, asked him a question about my case and all he said to me...no...almost yelled at me, was, "Pay your bill!!!!, Pay your bill!!!"

I tried to tell him what his wife had made arrangements for, but he only repeated "Pay your bill" and hung up. 

By this time, my daughter was 13/14 and she was out of control with me.  She would trip, hit, curse at, tell me, "I don't have to listen to you!" 

I felt at this point that I had lost my child ... lost her to someone who was slick, shrewd, focused on destroying my relationship with my child, and isolating her from not just me, but my mother who was heartbroken and my sister and family.  Her family.  She was kept from her former friends who suddenly had become "lame".  This woman would stop at nothing to destroy any former relationship, any that had any connection to me, at all. 

I finally went to Tulane's library and began to search for information on isolation, cults...and, by accident, I found a primarily-men's website that described what I had been living and there was a reference to Dr. Gardner's book, The Parental Alienation Syndrome.  I went to the library and ordered it.  When I got it in, I read it like my mind was consuming it.  I felt like this man had been a fly on my wall and he was reporting what he had seen in my home, but was using "she" instead of "he".  All of a sudden, I knew what I was really dealing with...and it was PAS.  The "folie a trois" was in full blown motion.  "What, you think I can't think for myself?"...it was in full blown use by then.  And then, the financial benefit. 

My question is, "Why not just tell me funds were tight and with the new high school tuition you work with me so that she is with you, but she is also with me?"  Why did you have to DESTROY me, slay my character, mock everything I do and take her besides?  Is this the price I pay for getting alimony?  Is the price she has to pay because you keep reminding her that I get alimony? 

Is this why, now, even at 24, she has nothing to do with me?  Or my family? 

I keep living and going on with my life, but there is always that twinge of pain when my friend's daughters are now beginning to marry or have babies, finish law school, you get the picture. 

There is not enough being done to intervene in these extreme cases.  Let's face it, these people will stop at nothing.  And, you can't legislate against bad character.  If it's not a crime, they're not interested and the burden of proof is on you.  So is the cost of the attorneys and court fees.  They know just how much they can get away with, and, in this case, they have money.  Their money bought betrayal of the worst kind to me.  They even tried to have me "whacked" after my daughter's high school graduation.. You think that's extreme?  My ex would never do it himself, but hire someone who could.  Small fee, considering I was insured for $250,000 and my only beneficiary was my daughter.  Two people worked in concert to cause me to fall in such a way that it was intended that my skull be cracked and I would die after it hit the solid steel door frame on the way out of the building.  Nice sum of money to pay for our daughter's college, wouldn't you say?  Instead, they were off about seven inches.  I "only" dislocated my right shoulder and broke my upper arm bone, knocked a tooth loose, and was knocked-out for about two minutes. 

My date was also pushed, but it was the instrument placed across my insteps which swept my feet out from underneath me that really caused the trouble as they pushed me to the right and down.  The only thing is:  people were attending to me and didn't see the perps.  I survived.  And I don't have her as my beneficiary any more.  At least as the full beneficiary. 

Now?  What I really know for sure is this:  we had a good relationship before all of this started. 

I worry that since she has none of her early childhood pictures or tapes (videos) how can she trigger any good memories?  Will she be able to fully develop as an adult?  Will all of this effect her relationships? 

If so, can anything be done?  It seems too late.  And I am stuck in a type of grieving that is never over, even though I work, I have good family and friends. 
Can this be fixed at this late date? 

I've tried to email her.  I've sent care packages when I can get an address.  Oh, and each time I email her, the alimony check is late the next month...always.  The veiled message is: keep away or you won't get your money.  Quite a price to pay...what is he hiding? 

Thanks for listening. 

HELP ALL...

My husband is an addict, he had5 yrs sober and relaped and for the last year has been drinking and 6 mo. ago started doing METH. I am SCARED,FEARFUL AND dumb founded. I told him if he used or baught again .. i would leave and he did so I told him I was leaving for the weekend to give him time to think and he respoded then i do not want you back. So now I am at a friends house with my 5 yr old.

My husband is ready to go into rehab .. but we have no insurance or money(dut to his useing and money he owe). I am scared that while i am gone he will do something stupid .. or end up in jail or dead.

I am scared my 5 yr old will not have a daddy , and we will have no job or home.

I do not really care  about me here .. but IT IS NOT RIGHT OUR 5 YR. OLD IS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

I am at a loss .. I emailed Dr. Phil 2 x asking for help.. but I feel that maybe there are more important issue's for him to deal with.

So anyone who read's this and has any advice.. please I am desperate.

I would have loved to be on this show with Mel and Liz and be right in the middle of the debate.  I am 30 years of age and my parents have been divorced since I was 2 years of age.  These "professionals," made me sick!!!!!!!!!!!  I would not trust either of them to argue a case for me.  What a joke.  Liz seemed to be very naive as a Representative for this topic. 

When Liz said "why would they do that?"  talking about using your kids as a pawn made me angry.  Has she just been introduced to divorced parents?  What made me angry about Mel is when he told the woman in the audience to "come over to our side," also made me sick.  This is not about sides this is about the well being of a CHILD!!!!!!!!  This is an example of two closed minded individuals trying to make a valid point in a serious case.