Topic : 12/26 "Brainwashed by My Parents"

I wrote about this little known topic several months ago, and was very happy to see Dr. Phil finally bring it to discussion on his show.  I've researched this subject over several years now, and even ran a support group for a while.  We did all we could to help raise awareness. 

In my opinion, the show could have explained the "syndrome" a little better. What I understand the "syndrome" to be, is when the child takes on the attitude and language of the alienator, and feels it is from their own experience and their own thinking.  The alienator doesn't need to continue with their agenda anymore, because the child does it on their own as the syndrome sets in. 

I'm glad this subject made it on the show, as it does need more awareness raised about it.  For those who do not know, April 25th is the anniversary of PAS Awareness Day.  There are several groups and organizations out there on the internet that you can join.  Just put Parental Alienation Syndrome in your search engine. 

I have experienced PAS from two different angles. One, my father was alienated from me from the time I was five years old.  I am fifty five now.  Two, I was alienated from my children which began after they turned eighteen.  I discovered what happened between my father and I, when I began to search for answers as to why my own children suddenly began to speak a hateful and angry tone towards me, for no apparent reason. 

I was in shock at first and didn't know what to think about it, much less what to do about it. Nothing I said to them made any difference.  Nothing I did made a difference either.  It seemed the harder I tried, the worse it got.  It's now ten years later, and they display every symptom listed as a severe case, which they claim there is no successful treatment for it.  It was the same between me and my father too, and it lasted over forty five years.

They don't deserve this, my father didn't deserve this, and neither do I.  Parental Alienation, and it's Syndrome, has been going on for many years and only now it's becoming more recognized.  It's real, it's damaging, it changes lives and it robs us all from what should be our most important relationships. This emotional wound could very possibly end up lasting through the rest of my life.  I won't even know what it's done to my childrens adult lives. 

I bet there are a lot of you out there that have had this going on around you, but have never found the term that described it, or even knew there was one.  This can happen with Grandparents, aunts uncles, brothers, sisters, and so on.  It's not just the parents who are Alienating, or being alienated.

I hope this was just one of many shows to come because we still have a long way to go in putting a stop to this terrible form of abuse. 

Thank you for talking about this topic Dr.Phil!

Dr Phil;  I watched your show today (3 Oct 08) and I and my two children are victims of PAS and KIdnapping from my ex-wife.  A little about myself.  I remarried in 1992 and have two children with my second wife and a step daughter (who I claim as my own). I am a retired US Air Force Veteran with 24 yrs of service.  To begin with I was divorce in 1990 and recieved visitation rights.  We divorced because of cheating and unreconcilable difference (court lingo).  I was in the Military and every chance I could tried to see my children (they were 4 and 2) at the time.  Ever since the divorce and when I was able it has been a battle to see my children.  I have got to see them since 1989 maybe 5 times at most, the last time in 1995 when they were 7 and 9, they are now 20 and 22 (I still am paying Child Support).  My ex-wife had poisoned their minds by telling them I was not paying child support, that I left them and did no twant them, but the fact were I had orders to Korea of which I could not refuse.  She had told them I did not care for them  which my daughter at the time who was 9 stated that is what mom told her and she wanted to know why.  In 1992 I had orders to Turkey and made arrangements to see them in my home town of richmond, she said okay, but when I tried to see them I was limited to 72 hours. and would not see them again until 1995  when I returned.  I called and sent a letters but never got nothing in return. 

In 1995, I met with her tin Richmond In to discuss seeing them at my new home at my future base in North Dakota, she agreed.  I got to the base and stated I would be back to get them in June and would return them In mid Aug 96, she agreed.  Then it all started, when it was time to set up arrangements she wanted a home study done on me, got a lawyer and fought me tooth and nail, through Dec 96.  I ran out of money to fight her and that was it.  She moved to WIS from IN and I never got a letter, a address or a phone number,  My mom would get a letter or two once in awhile an it then stopped.  I never knew where they were until 2007. 

She moved repeatedly through the united states and I never knew where they were.  I found them in 2007  living in Florida.  She had been married 3 ot 4 times and my children now want nothing to do with me.  Se never let the courts know where she was, never notified me.  I was in the service and the courts knew that.  My children believe I abondoned them, they have stated so in so many words to me.  According my son's Myspace Page I left them and did not care, she has told them many lies and untruths that I cannot even begin to tell.  I currently am fighting with her for emanicpation, my son described an abuse situation with mon and step father where the SF was arrested on his Myspacepage. 

This time cooresponses to the 96 situation where she fought me.  I know she turned these children away from, denied me the ability or opportunity to see them, never let me know where they were or how to contact them.  I am now paying for this unfairly and emotionally as well.  In many state Familiy law this is illegal.  My point is it does not have to verbal in nature but can be done by denial of the non-custodial rights, interfere /deny communincations and thus prevent or even stop vistiation.  This is not only illegal but as a non-custodial parent you have to pay lawyers and fight to even get a comtempt charge or assert your rights.  I have never got the chance to see my children grow up, have an impact on them, see how they grew into adults.  She had the best of both worlds. Child Support and no father to deal with by her own deliberate efforts.  I am not a man of wealth or money.  I did not have the funds to fight her and now she has had the freedom to tunr me into the demon through her acts of interference. 

The courts need to take alook at this problem; many men and women in uniform have been unfairly denied rights by ex spouses and judges.  PAS is real and when Lawyers refuse to address, judges refuse to consider or look at this issue and the courts not see this as a real issue , it is fathers who are good men, doing the right things, lead  law-abiding life get penalized, judged and left with frustration, hurt and anger and finally give-up hoping one day they will reunite with their children or at least one of them.

I know some of this is my fault as well, but I believe that is it paramount of both parents to put their angers aside and think of the childrne and what they need.  My current wife and I have been married 16 yrs and we both never interferred with her ex husband relationship with his duaghter.  I understood the pain, the hurt and the frustration and enocurage her to speak with her dad and we even sent her to fathers to live for a summer or two becuase of some issues.  I understand this PAS problem from both sides and it is real and again many men suffer at the hands of courts and are victims, as are their children of the ex-wife.

Please get the word out and let both parents know this is a dangerous, unhealthy and miserable way to live and raise children.  I know  how this hurts, I have lived this for the last 16 years and not day goes by that I miss and think about my older two children (Ashley 22 and Dain 20).  This hurts and never stops.

Dear Dr. Phil,

My wife recently recorded your show regarding Parent Alienation Syndrome.  I sat and watched this show as if it were a chapter in my life.  I feel like my hands have been tied all these years since separating from my ex.

I was with my first son's mother for five years before deciding to separate.  We never had the chance to marry but that made no difference in the feelings I had for my beautiful son Reggie.  My son and I, in the beginning, shared a wonderful bond of love and trust.  The day he was born remains one of the greatest memories I have experienced.

After our separation in 1995, I made every effort to be with him to create a positive bond.  Though the visitation was mainly her trying to reconcile with me I did my best to concentrate on my son.  When she saw I had no interest in reconciliation her attitude changed.  The visitations were now different and my son seemed distant and afraid to approach me.  My ex would purposely engage in arguments with me in front of our child and I would end up leaving frustrated.

In 1996, I fell in love with my wife, Yolanda and moved into a house later that year.  My wife had a 16 year old daughter and a 5 year old son.  Reggie was 4 years old at that time. Things were alright the first time Reggie was allowed to come and visit for the weekend.  But, after he returned to his mother's home we began to have trouble with him coming to visit.  Each time I would try to go and pick him up he would cry and I would end up leaving him with his Mom.  I felt horrible, and didn't understand why he was acting this way.  The first time he came to the house to be with us, it was as if he were magically blended into the family with hardly any animosity.  That made no difference to my ex.  She would question my son every time he came to visit.  She would also call him constantly not allowing us to properly bond when he was with me.  It became more and more difficult to convince him to visit.   When he did decide to come he would cry or ask me questions that were planted in his head by his mother.  Things went from bad to horrible when she found out my wife was pregnant.

During the pregnancy I rarely got to see Reggie.  His mother seemed to fill his mind with hatred and he no longer wanted me to even be in the same room with him.  She began receiving welfare benefits and I chose to began a case with the attorney general for child.  Well since she was on child support, the attorney general came after me for back pay child support and ordered me to a hearing in court.  I was not able to attend the court date because, Brandon was born at 3 a.m.  The attorney for my ex screwed me with back pay and supervised visitation.  I was furious and felt betrayed.  Early 1998 was the last time I had any time with my son.  He no longer visited me or called.  Approximately two years later, she decided to move to Las Vegas.  My heart sunk, and I begged the attorney general to intervene.  They advised me to seek counsel.  I did not have the funds to follow their advice.  I researched as much as possible and could not find an answer before she moved.  In an effort to stay in contact with him I would call or mail him letters.  The calls were difficult to navigate with the hatred I received from him.  Or his mother would intercept the call and say he was not home.  I tried numerous time to call only to be frustrated or passed around to someone other than my son.  Three years went by and the calls became a punishment for me and my family.  I would start the call with optimism and hangup in anger and distress.  My son and grew apart and our conversations were bitter.  We lost touch and they moved and I had trouble finding them.

In February of 2003, as a member of the United States Air Force, I was tasked to go to Iraq for one year.  I called the attorney general to get her phone number.  They would not give me the address.  I called Reggie to tell him I loved him and explained to him what was happening.  That conversation was not good.  He didn't seem to care.  During my tour I would mail him little tokens to let him know that I was thinking of him.  Most of it was returned to sender as the wrong address.  I tried to call but the number was disconnected.  My spirit was crushed.  My wife did her best to keep me positive and focused during my tour.  In my desperation, I prayed that he was alright and would forgive me for everything I had put him through.  One day, while reading my email, I came across an email from my wife telling me that she had located Reggie by way of an EOB (explanation of benefit) she received from a psychiatrist he was seeing.  Desperate to speak with him, and worried to death, I asked my wife for the doctor's number.  I called the doctor and asked him if it would be okay if I could email Reggie, at the doctor's email address to tell him I loved and missed him.  When my ex found out about this she stopped bringing him to the doctor and I did not hear from them for another two years.  I would hear from her two years later regarding health insurance cards for Reggie.  I was not allowed to speak to him then either.

If this is not the definition of "alienation" of a parent, could someone please make me understand what my son and I are experiencing.  I have lost what I feel is a lifetime with this child.  I don't know what to do anymore or where to turn.  As a man I feel as if there are minimal to no options for me to fight this battle without going into bankruptcy.  Please guide and help me connect with my son.

Thank you,

Reggie Anderson 

I feel as though I'm spinning my wheels with my ex.  I don't know what she has done to the kids.  They are down-right hateful to me on the phone and in person.  I had them this past summer for my very short 42 days.  This is only the second summer I've been allowed to have them (3 court hearings thus far).  This past summer we had a blast.  The kids were so funny and extremely happy to be with me.  I took them on a tropical trip to the islands - they had a blast, we all did.  Disney, zoo, aquarium, the movies, shopping; not too much left out.  Now that they're back with their mom, I can't even get them on the phone.  All I get is an answered phone by the ex with the kids in the background yelling that they hate me and never want to see me again, and that every time they've been with me was all fake.  I mentioned court.  I plan on court again as soon as my attorney schedules a hearing.  Reason - ex is on 5yrs probation for not allowing me access to the kids.  Also, last year I was awarded 3 calls a week.  Since that hearing, 12mo ago, I have only been able to talk to them ONE time and I have a record of 140+ attempts to call them.  The kids are claiming that I refuse to let them call their mother or let calls from their mother get to them.  Well, I have 40+ calls where they called from my home to her home and just as many or more of her calls to the kids.  I do end the calls when the ex starts crying and asking if they miss her and if they're ready to come home to see their mommy.  Also, before every visit, the ex will get the kids a kitten or puppy and proceed to tell them how much they're missing the animals grow up, do funny things, and so forth.  They're on their fifth set of animals thus far.  Not sure what happens to the older pets between my visits, sad to think what happens to them.

I have only had five scheduled visits with my kids since the divorce 6yrs ago.  Not due to me not wanting to see them, but their mothers' refusal to let me see them.  We have had several court battles where she has tried to deny me access.  Each time nothing is taking away from me.  In fact, more time has been given to me.  Last court hearing she was placed on probation, and still she refuses to let me see the kids.  Now, somehow, she has the kids totally against me.  She is claiming sexual abuse on both (boy and girl) as well as neglect on both.  She tells all her friends that I've abused the kids, that I'm mean to them, don't allow them any contact...the list goes on.  The allegations were investigated by CPS and they found no evidence to suggest that such activity ever took place. There's just not truth to her claims, none at all. 

The last time I was in court the judge looked at me and said, 'Buddy, cover your ass...I'll be seeing you here again."  In that instant I knew he could see right through that woman.  Well, before he told me to cover my ass, I had already done so.  My home has been equipped with 24/7 video monitoring since the first visit in which my ex 'allowed' HER kids into my home. 

I'm just at a loss.  Here I am, trying to see my kids.  I pay child support (have never missed a payment), I buy them school clothes/supplies, spend a small fortune on birthdays and Christmas, take them numerous places when I have them.  They love it.  What is odd though is that they never pass any of that info onto the ex.  They keep everything from her; what I buy, where we go, what we do.  They don't want her to know how good of a time they have while they're with me.  Everything they get from me stays at my house on their request. 

I was schedule two visits this week with the kids.  The ex answers the door with a phone in her hand, shows it to me, I see the word "SHERIFF" and she tells me I'm not picking up the kids and she'll call the sheriff if needed.  I tell her, "Go ahead, it will save me the call!"  What's sad is that she had the kids right there with her, hugging her (as she always does).  Every time I am allowed to pick up the kids, the ex has friends and family there.  Its as if someone passed away.  Everybody is crying, sobbing...like you're at a funeral.  "I'm sure going to miss my babies" she tells each of them...sobbing.  Ridiculous.

I've had trouble every single time I've been scheduled to pick up the kids.  The kids calling before I arrive telling me they're not going, but acting as if no calls or no screams ever took place once they're in the car.  In fact, they're completely different people.  Its almost like a relief for them to be away from her.  Before I get out of sight of their home they're the kids I know, they're perfectly normal and we'll have a great time.  Of course this time ends the instant they're back with their mom.  And the whole cycle starts over again, but each time the cycle becomes more vicious.  This last 'cycle' has been the worst.  The pure hatred on the phone towards me, the verbal abuse they're putting out isn't right at all.  When they left this summer the told everyone they encountered that it was the best summer they had ever, ever had.  Not to tell me that its all been fake, they just pretended to like being around me, that they never want to see me again.  Well, it bothers me - a lot. 

Friends and family know of my situation and tell me I should just give up before she does something to me that I can't get out of.  They feel that pretty soon she'll have the kids convinced that I've abused them and I'll be ruined, thrown in jail.  I refuse to let her 'win' if you will.  It just isn't right and I cant just walk away.  In fact, I intend to file for custody of the kids.  I'm not sure this PAS will fall in my favor, but I'm counting on it.

Wish me luck!  And if you have any advice, please pass along.

How about this has anyone ever had your sister poisoning their mother against them.I recently decided to get closer to god i prayed that things would get better between my mother and I.I felt that on mother's day that my prayer was starting to come true.I feel as though my sister who's always been my mom's favorite wont have it.I think she's been very selfish and she has the nerve to say that I am please.She likes to do what every it takes to get my mother and I to start fighting.Like shell bring up things from the past or the fact that Im not like my mom.My mother and I have never gotten along one reason being that she judges and criticizes me to much.I just dont feel as like I cant talk to her she isnt supportive of me at all.my sister has always thought she was better than I am and to this day it hasnt changed.I was without a job last year and no place to stay and she turned meand my daughter away.Shes like well thats what you get for getting yourself in those problems.Im her ONLY sister she treats her co-workers better than she treats me.She stated that my daughter is a burden to her and that she doesnt need me.So I will continue to pray for her.

Has anyone gone thru something like this and what advice do you have.