I couldn't believe the topic of the show today. I felt like the show was a replay of my life. I had a panic attack last night with my heart racing, continuously checking my pulse and feeling as if I were going to faint. I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. As a child, I had obsessive intrusive thoughts and would alleviate them with my compulsive behaviours such as not stepping on cracks, stepping on every third tile, taking ice out 3 pieces at a time, turning light switches on and off three times, repeating something I said outloud under my breath 3 times. It was horrendous. Not until I turned 19, did I finally get a name for my problems - OCD. I have been able to put my compulsive behaviours in check, but my anxiety lingers and haunts me tremendously. I didn't start having panic attacks until 2002 when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. I quit smoking then, but had this awful fear of dying since I knew my father was dying of lung cancer. Over the next 6 months, I watched him waste away and die in front of me. It was horrific and terrifying. Although, I seemed to stay calm during it all including the 2 (TWO) funerals my mother had for him. I remained stoic and refused to cry. Well, a few months later, I started suffering from panic attacks again. I thought for sure I was dying. I had to be. In and out of the doctors office and was finally told it was just anxiety. I continued with my Luvox and it seemed to work well for a few years until I started having repeated miscarriages (mind you, I was not on any medication while trying to get pregnant and during pregnancy) after having a healthy pregnancy in 2004. In 2008, an OBGYN suggested that I try Zoloft. The first day I took it, I started having panic attacks again. My anxiety was back full force and with a vengeance. I quit taking the Zoloft and sunk into a deep depression and contemplated suicide quite a few times. I also lost a ton of weight and was unable to sleep. I forced myself to get to a psychiatrist and get back on Luvox. In addition to the Luvox, I was prescribed sleeping pills and Xanax. I am now on 100mg of Luvox and .5mg of Xanax. I started to feel better by eating better, drinking lots of water, exercising regularly and continuing my medication. But, I knew this anxiety could surface at any time. In March 2009, I was diagnosed with a 4in. septated Ovarian Cyst that the doctor thought could be cancerous. With my OCD, I searched the internet tirelessly and all I read was that Ovarian Cancer meant Death!!! The Oncologist assured me that he believed the Cyst would go away with Birth Control and that it was not cancerous. I took the birth control for a month with horrible side effects such as nausea, vomitting, diahrea and weight loss. I quit taking the pill and found out that my cyst had decreased in size to 5mm. Boy was I lucky!! Then, about a month later, I started to experience heart palpitations. I thought, "Good God, what now!!??" I went in to my General Practitioner and she said I had Mitral Valve Prolapse just by listening to my heart thru the stethescope. So, of course, my panic attacks increased. I thought, if it's my heart, I'm going to die. Everything I read about MVP lead to the reasoning that you could lead a normal life and have a normal life expectancy, but all I could think about was dying because it was related to my heart. The doctor eventually ordered an Echocardiogram and sure enough, I did NOT have Mitral Valve Prolapse. So, here I am two weeks later and wondering what's going to happen next. Last night, I was watching a show about women not knowing they were pregnant and one was thought to have had Ovarian Cancer and I started hyperventilating and having a full blown panic attack. I know I have a fear of dying. I've seen death first hand. I've experienced loss. I just don't know how to make this pain go away. I fear dying and leaving my daughter alone. My husband would be here, but he doesn't take care of her like I do. I fear dying a horrible painful death. I know I need to get it under control and I've put off psychologists since our insurance only covers psychiatrists, but I'm to the point that I'll have to use a credit card to get help - whatever it takes. I'm desperate. I can't live like this any longer.
Although my situation is not an extreme as Kathleen's, I could completely and souly empathize with her. If you ever read this Kathleen, you're not alone. I'm at least able to get out of the house and enjoy the simple pleasures of life like going to the park with my daughter, going to the movies, eating out, etc. Although my greatest fear is Dying, I do have other fears such as flying, fear that my daughter will be kidnapped, fear that a family member with die or get an illness, fear of inadequacy with my career, etc. I just hope that one day I can live a happy life again without these constant worries and constant anxiety.
Thanks for letting me share my story,
Jemsgirl
(Original Air Date: 10/21/2008) Whether it’s the fear of spiders or the fear of dying, fears and phobias can steal your peace of mind and even dominate your life. Meet Kathleen, a mother of three, who says her entire world is built around more than 30 fears that include driving, flying, being alone and taking medication. Her life has gotten so out of control that her two teenagers dropped out of school to take care of her, and her 9-year-old is absent so often, she may follow in their footsteps. Kathleen, who wants to stop being a prisoner to her anxieties, faces many of her fears just to get to Los Angeles to see Dr. Phil. What’s at the root of her paralyzing phobias, and can she take back her life for the sake of her family? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
