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Topic : 11/06 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 2

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Created on : Friday, October 31, 2008, 04:16:39 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Dr. Phil continues his intense three-day retreat with 14 people who say they’re ready to change their lives. Struggling with issues such as addiction, anger, abuse and grief, guests confront their personal demons once and for all. After getting kicked out of the studio during Part 1, will everyone agree to stop wasting time? Part 2 introduces the remaining participants. Kaylee admits she abused her three children throughout their entire childhood. Now that they are grown and estranged from her, she says she’s ready to deal with her anger. Dr. Phil confronts Kaylee about the shocking truth of how she treated her kids. Then, throughout her childhood, Melissa’s father would share nightmare-inducing stories about how he would hypothetically kill someone and get away with it. She later learned that her father was not who she thought he was. Kelly says she blames herself for not being there for her father before he committed suicide. Jessica R. and Diona share their problems with weight and self-image, and Carina is trying to rein in her anger and hatred toward men. Jessica F. says she’s the most controlling person in the world. Nicole is so obsessed with perfection, she says she’s never had an intimate relationship, and Don is trying to come to terms with his drug-filled past. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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November 5, 2008, 5:01 pm CST

11/06 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 2

Quote From: sallytxrn

Paige,

My heart goes out to you after reading your post.  I know exactly how you feel, not because of the affair but because I was one of the 42 people on the Oprah show that did this with Dr. Phil 8 years ago.  It hurts to read posts that are critical of what you've said or done, especially when they are judging you without even knowing you.  Just remember that you are a good person who has made some bad choices (who hasn't??) and what you're doing is very brave.  There aren't many people who would have the courage to air their laundry on world wide TV.  Find the value in these posts, Paige, and if there isn't any then let it go.  If someone calls you a bank robber it doesn't mean you're a bank robber.  You know your heart.  If you need to make changes then make them but don't allow others to make them for you. 

 

If anyone in interested in doing this work for yourself and if you have the courage to really Get Real, Dr. Phil's program is called Pathways and is located in Dallas.  Check it out at createagreatlife.com

Hi, it's an honour to meet you, one of the original 42 :)

 

Thanks for the support, and honest, the judgements that are coming down on me through these postings are not hurtful.  As I explained I expected a split in support ~ for/against.  I don't blam "Manofgoods" for anything except perhaps his egotistical choice of pen names (lol).  Oh, heck, let them say what they want. 

 

We all do things in life we are proud of and we all (even you "manofgoods") do things that we are not proud of.  I'll assume that "manofgoods" is not a religious man, nor a highly intelligent one.  I'll let him think he's perfect, that's obviously what he needs in his attempt to get attention through use of this message board.

 

So, honestly, I bear no grudges in life, I feel no anger, I don't live with hate.  I live, I learn, I hope to improve and I hope to help others along the way.  At the end of each day I go to bed with a clear consience.  As I've said, no one knows how I ended up in this relationship and for anyone to be passing judgement on me that I'm "pitiful" ...well, it takes one to know one I guess :)

 

Thanks again for your support.  Hugs and much love.

 
November 5, 2008, 6:31 pm CST

Reply to Paige

Quote From: paigeroxanne

Hi. You either like me or you hate me.  I knew that when I agreed to be part of the retreat.  I figured that half the audience could relate to this topic from one side or the other and I expected to be judged and I expected to be felt sorry for. 

 

You all only know a teeny tiny bit of what I'm really about.  You know nothing of how the relationship began, under what circumstances it advanced nor how it is today.

 

My story is very likely common.  I would guess that there are thousands of "other women" hiding in the shadows, waiting for the text light to come on on their cell phone, waiting for a 20 minute visit as he's on his way home or to work.

 

It seems that you women who are blaming me "the other woman" for presenting the opportunity of an affair to the married men probably need to look at your own shortcomings before delving into mine.  Let's face it, we're all imperfect.  Not a single solitary one of you can cast a stone without bearing the shame of your own sins.  Tsk tsk tsk. 

 

I agreed to appear on the show as a means to reach out to other women who are not yet in this situation, but may one day find the chance to be there ...I need them to not make the same mistakes I have made.  It was my goal to reach out and help save someone from the shadows.

 

I resent anyone passing judgement without identifying a fault of their own.  Seriously ??  You're all without sin ??  Wow, I'm blessed to know that such a being exists in this world.  Take all the shots at me that you want, I expected you to.  But I challenge you to compare my shortcomings to something you've done that may also be considered "taboo" ...go on, take my challenge, say what you want about me without knowing me but tell me a little something about yourself that you're not so proud of so I know that we have a level playing field.

 

I am restricted to what I can write so-as not to indicate how the retreat progresses, you will see for yourselves if you watch. 

 

To all of you who are supporting me thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

 

To those of you who are living as "the other woman" I beg you to look in a mirror and find your beauty.  Please, I'm not expecting you to fall out of love with him ...just try to fall in love with yourself again.  If you're living in the shadows I know how cold it can be, how lonely and dark.  Turn on the lights, turn up the heat, make yourself warm and comfortable and start to feel ok about being with yourself again.  Try not to think of him every second of every day.  Try not to leave your cell phone on in fear of missing that call that comes but once in a blue moon.  Try not to go to bed lonely ...it's ok to go to bed alone, just don't let yourself be lonely. 

 

I could go on and on.

 

I do not hold grudges in my life.  I don't blame any of you for hating me or what I've done.  I deserve your remarks. 

 

On this Sunday night, November 1, 2008 I love you all. 

 

 

Yes, you are in a difficult situation for sure but I can't help but think you have issues far worse than sleeping with (and obsessing about) a married man.
Why are you so empty? Why do you choose to be a victim in your life? Women like you are sad and at times, pathetic beings. You're smart. You're getting off on this relationship one way or the other - otherwise, you wouldn't have hung in there for more than 2 freaking years!! Get over yourself. There MUST be more important things in your life than wallowing and bawling about a man who will never be yours. Obviously this man wants only a quick f**k here and there. Make a choice to be his bed buddy or make the choice to free yourself from yourself.
 
November 5, 2008, 6:41 pm CST

My reply to what you wrote...

Quote From: paigeroxanne

Hi, it's an honour to meet you, one of the original 42 :)

 

Thanks for the support, and honest, the judgements that are coming down on me through these postings are not hurtful.  As I explained I expected a split in support for/against.  I don't blam "Manofgoods" for anything except perhaps his egotistical choice of pen names (lol).  Oh, heck, let them say what they want. 

 

We all do things in life we are proud of and we all (even you "manofgoods") do things that we are not proud of.  I'll assume that "manofgoods" is not a religious man, nor a highly intelligent one.  I'll let him think he's perfect, that's obviously what he needs in his attempt to get attention through use of this message board.

 

So, honestly, I bear no grudges in life, I feel no anger, I don't live with hate.  I live, I learn, I hope to improve and I hope to help others along the way.  At the end of each day I go to bed with a clear consience.  As I've said, no one knows how I ended up in this relationship and for anyone to be passing judgement on me that I'm "pitiful" ...well, it takes one to know one I guess :)

 

Thanks again for your support.  Hugs and much love.

Hi, Paige, how are you doing? Is everything going okay with you so far? Here is my response to what you said...  

We all do things in life we are proud of and we all (even you "manofgoods") do things that we are not proud of.  I'll assume that "manofgoods" is not a religious man, nor a highly intelligent one.  I'll let him think he's perfect, that's obviously what he needs in his attempt to get attention through use of this message board.

  In response to what you said about me, that's untrue. I'm not being judgmental towards people (and I'm trying not to be), but I just can't stand it when people want to put people like you down, & that we want to stick up for others who are being put down, such as yourself just because you made a big mistake (who hasn't, really?). As for being perfect, no one is perfect, I'm not either (I never said that I was, nor have i acted like it), as I did some bad things that I regret, too (just not anything major; but we all live in sin; no one is sinless). Plus, I have been a member of these boards for a long time; I'm not doing this for attention. I love everyone here, as well as yourself. We are intelligent from inside & out, not only on this board, but throughout this world. You shouldn't let people get to you, & to not drag you down. Just keep on doing great! There are many great opportunities available for you.
 
November 6, 2008, 8:18 am CST

Controlling (Jessica)

I relate 100% with Jessica.  I was so amazed to see my reflection in Jessica.  I am 27 years old and I have two children.  I absolutely have to control everything in my life.  I don't know why but I do.  If something doesn't go the way I want it I completely freak out.  Some examples are in relationships, jobs, everything I have to dominate and when I don't I just walk away...I quit.  I have two beautiful sons who I love very much I don't like for them to be out of my sight for any longer than they absolutely have to.  I don't even really trust their father with them when I'm not around.  I feel like he won't feed them the right things at the right times, he won't dress them correctly, or bathe them the right way.  Their father and I split up when I was pregnant with my youngest because I decided to leave the state and go back to my home state.  Recently I decided to get back with him and he was with someone else; needless to say we are back together.  I'm not even sure what it feels like to not get my way and I don't want to know. 

I am so controlling that I want more children but I can not handle being pregnant because too many things can go wrong that I can't control. 

I don't want my son to ride the school bus because I don't know what the driver might do or how he drives.  But if I decide to put him on the bus I don't want anyone to tell me its the wrong choice. 

I can go on and on but the point is Jessica's story really hit home and I can't wait to see it through.  I wish I had the ability to be there and see the whole thing through, because I realize I need help and seeing pieces of this story every week is not enough.

Dr. Phil asked her what if she's not in control...I cried because I am too scared to not be in control that just the thought made me break down emotionally.

I wish I could get the help that she's about to get because I do believe life could be better if I could hand over the reigns to someone else sometimes.  I do so much because I don't feel like anyone else can do it and I'm so tired all the time, emotionally and physically.  But I CAN'T LET GO!!!

 
November 6, 2008, 8:39 am CST

pretender

I don't know where to start.  Many of the guests on this show hit home for me.  I was abused it was satanic like abuse.  I am so angry because it was my aunts husband (I consider him to be the ring leader), it happened at my grandmothers, many of my relatives were involved.  As a result I have many "disorders."

 

This is a huge problem but not the biggest.  My husband is a pastor, so I feel like I live a lie everyday.  I have so much pain.  None of which is known to the people I am around.  A year ago I admitted myself into a hospital, in a different state, because I was on the brink of breaking.  His concern: someone would find out.  We told the church I went to visit a family member.

 

I am angry because I am hurting I am in pain and my parents don't acknowlege anything happened and even my own husband wont.  I was seeing a thereapist but am not currently.  I am not on medication right now either.  All by my choice but mostly because of underlying pressure.  I quit seeing the thereapist because it felt useless.  I didn't trust him so I wouldn't open up.  I felt like it was a social visit. 

 

I am the ultimate pretender.  I understand how the girl whos dad is a serial killer feels.  I know things, I seen things real terrible horrible things.  I feel so ashamed, but like her  I did nothing wrong. 

 

 

 
November 6, 2008, 8:49 am CST

Empathy For Self Image

 I know what it is like to look at yourself and think that u will never be skinny enough or content enough with your weight or porportions. My mom would tell me that I was a chunky kid and that I wouldn't never get dates being fat. She would try to control what I ate, how much I ate, and keep me locked in my room so I wouldn't eat everthing and anything. I have never had any surguries, but I am so self- conscience about myself that it drives my husband crazy.  I won't even change my clothes infront of him. I am that uncomfortable.  I do know and understand what those two women are going through.
 
November 6, 2008, 10:13 am CST

My Story

I have my own dilema that i am dealing with. My mom left me and my younger sisters when we were young.  My father "tried" to take care of us but we ultimately ended up in the foster care system, which in my opinion was a mistake on their part.  I ended up in way worse situations than i had at home.  My parents are drug addicts, my mother was a crack cocaine addict and my father is a prescription pill addict, they both had issues and dealt with sorry parents themselves, in very different ways.  My mother was the parent i was closest to when i was a child, so i blamed my self for alot of stuff that happened.  She became a prostitute to pay for her drugs and contracted AIDS, hepititus c and started having seizures.  I stepped up and became my younger sisters "mom" even though I have been told over and over i still blame myself for all the trouble and the choices they are making now. When i turned 18 i was pretty much "kicked on my ass", i did have an apartment and i was going to school.  The home i lived in wouldn't allow us to do anything that "normal" teenagers get to experiance so like most sheltered people, i went wild.  Completely out of my character i was influenced by a family member to do a bunch of things that i wouldnt have normally done.  I ended up doing drugs, losing my license, going to jail, violating my probation and fleeing the state to avoid goin back to jail, leaving behind my everything.  My mother passed away November 14, 2007 and there was soooo much that i needed to say and hear from her that even writing this brings me to tears, i don't know how to make it better or deal with it because she is gone now and i never said or asked her what i needed to.  My sisters are following in my footsteps by getti ng arrested, doing drugs and making poor choices.  I dont know what to do.  I just had a baby in june and that kinda made things worse.  i dont have a mom to ask her questions about what to do in situations...i feel depressed all the time.  im trying to see the good things but its sooooo hard!!!

 
November 6, 2008, 10:35 am CST

Carina and Nicole

Dear Dr. Phil-

I can relate of Carina and Nicole's fathers walking out on them. When my parents were married, my dad had an affair. My mom wanted to make it work, but he just up and left, and I was only two years old at the time. I have gone a majority of my life without my dad, I have absolutely no contact with him. He doesn't call, write, or anything. I know it's hard and that it sucks and it might be hard to rise above it. When I was older, I realized I had two choices, I could either wallow in the fact that my dad isn't around and just not care about my life and be doing things I know I shouldn't do or I can learn to be a better person because of it. I used to think that I had done something, but my mom helped me realzie that leaving was competely his doing. Yeah, it's hard having graduations,proms, first dates, puppy love, and everything without my dad, but I had my mom and family to share it with me. I decided not to let my dad's actions ruin my life or my happiness. I married my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years and I am so happy. I know that he will always be there and I have him to turn to. I still do and will always see children with their mother and father and realize that my dad isn't around, but I'm not going to let that destroy my happiness or my self-confidence.

 

 
November 6, 2008, 10:39 am CST

Where to turn?

Dear Dr. Phil,

 

I love you!  I can't believe how strong, honest, caring, and intelligent you are. 

 

I watch your shows faithfully and I see your heart! 

 

My issue is that although you reach out and do your show and write your books, I feel that it leaves people like me hurting and alone.  I started your book, "Self Matters" and it was devastating for me.  You ask that I go through memories in my life at different ages, describing what I felt and how it affected me.  I started this with one of my early childhood memories while I was alone and it was very bad.  Actually, it was down right scary.  I was alone, I had no professional to guide me and I felt like I was having a brake down.  I felt it was dangerous for me to be dealing with things that are way deep inside, ALONE.  Sure, few people get the chance to receive your help, but the rest of us are out here putting on our happy faces, while dying inside.  I have gone to counselors and have found that they don't get it.  I have no idea where to turn, not even through my church.

 

Today, I watched your, "Get Real Retreat" and I was a mess.  I screamed at the TV that it is "My Turn", yet I don't know how to do that on my own.  I related to so many of these people's lives that I felt sick listening to them.  Home alone, crying from the depths of my soul and not knowing what in the world to do about it. 

 

Perhaps, as wonderful as you are and how much you help others, your shows are not good for me.  I can watch, I can relate and I can hear what you are saying, but I don't know what to do with all that comes to the surface. 

 

I have been a mess and have lived a double life and hate myself more than I can express.  No one but God himself knows my deep down, dark secrets and to tap into them alone, it is devastating. 

 

Those who get your help are so very blessed and I pray that they know it and change their lives!!!!

 

I am a fan, just concerned about those out there that are like me.

 

May God continue to Bless you and your family!

 

Care

 

 

 
November 6, 2008, 12:10 pm CST

11/06 Dr. Phil's Get Real Retreat, Part 2

Quote From: paigeroxanne

I don't honestly know if I was ever cheated on.  I may have been but not been aware of it.  I may even have had strong feelings that I was being cheated on.  You ask "how did it make me feel?" ...well, hypothetically speaking, if had  been cheated on I might have felt hurt, I might have felt angry, I might have felt empowered.  Regardless of how I felt I would want to know what relationships shoud grow from that point on, trying to keep everyone's best interest at heart.  Let's face it, if a man cheats on his wife, whether or not the other woman knows he is married, is it simply time for him to move on?  Everyone knows that the divorce rate sits around 50%, there are many many reasons for divorce, adultery is one of them.  That realization gives the power to the wife.  Pick up, pack up and move on.  Why would a married woman stay with a man who cheats repeatedly?  Perhaps it is their self esteem that is in question here as well as mine.  I'm working on mine, I hope the rest of you "stone throwers" are working on yours too. 
  I am a wife whose husband had an affair  and let me say that it takes two  but like Dr. Phil says this is about you and not him....  I doubt you would have felt empowered...  A woman purposfully went after my husband , yes he could of said no.  It has detroyed my life as I knew it.  But not only are you affecting your life, his life, or his wife  you are affecting relatives, friends ,children ....for what a couple of hours with this jerk. An affair has nothing to with love it's about being selfish.  I know that affairs are not reality but perception.  The reality is he belongs to someone else , the reality is you are selling yourself short by excepting to be second best. ,  the reality is he could leave..... the world would not end.... his wife would eventually move on .....the children would heal (slowly)  and he might be with you  ,but every day that goes by he is'nt chosing you.   My husband hasn't cheated repeatedly or he would be gone  but people do make mistakes.  You say a woman should divorce just rip her family apart and for what pride.......   you are forgetting they have a life together  , for years without you , you injected yourself into their life..... do you get that   (their life...)   It's easy to get divorced it takes more self esteem and strength  to stay and  fight for what you have built together. Do you think it would be easy for the wife or husband....  no the easy thing to do is quit.  Just because a man cheats it's not time to move on  That's whats wrong with marriages today no one wants to work and honey marriage isn't like an affair where you only see the good side of each other it is hard work.....   life gets in the way of good marriages all the time    you grow apart you have problems but you don't quit..............  It is a vow you took in front of each other and God  but you know what  a husband can be forgiven and so can a mistress  if their hearts are sincere...........  I,m not throwing stones at you because your right who is without sin............  I'ts just hard because it is personal  not only to you but to the other people involved.  To me that is alot of americas problem with alot of issues there is no responsibility for actions.   I had an ethics class once when I was in college and that was one of my questions  to the professors  where does responsibilty stand in ethics  because we can excuse away any behavior  I'll take accountabilty for my actions  anyday  we all will in the end  anyway........   my hope for you as I watch this show is that you have an ephinany...........  That you are deserving  and what you put out there you will recieve ten fold , that isn't about jabing at you ,I believe you can turn your life around and lead one of happiness and not quiet desperation.  oh yeah  I'm tuning in to get real with myself  about being a stronger person...........    Sorry about the spelling the typing and so on  Trying to get this written before my two year old wakes up.
 
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