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Topic : 12/03 Families under Fire

Number of Replies: 65
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Created on : Wednesday, November 26, 2008, 07:23:13 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1
As the nation faces a collapsing financial market, record job losses and a foreclosure crisis, is your marriage strong enough to survive the storm? Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Before You Do, joins Dr. Phil to discuss how families can brave tough times. First up, Karen says she and her husband, Walter, were living the American Dream: a loving marriage, a beautiful home and a 20-acre farm. But when she quit her job for health reasons two years ago, bills began piling up, and Karen fears her spouse is cracking under the pressure. She says Walter gets tense, pounds his head with his fists and blames her for their mounting debt. Walter admits that he can hurl insults when he and Karen fight over their finances, but says Karen’s carelessness with credit cards is driving them further into the red. Find out what Karen says her husband did that pushed her over the edge. Can Dr. Phil and Bishop Jakes get the couple back on track? Then, Sherida and Brandon have been married for three months, but instead of enjoying their honeymoon, they say their relationship is already on the rocks. Sherida says that Brandon has a law degree, but he refuses to get a job, and she’s tired of being the sole provider. Brandon says he’s waiting on a higher power to provide. Can Sherida and Brandon salvage their union, or should she cut her losses? Plus, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s survival plan to get your marriage through the economic meltdown. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

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December 3, 2008, 4:06 pm CST

I am Going Under

Hey there,

 

It is real funny that I tuned in to DR. Phil today, of all days.  Families under Fire struck too close to home for me.  My husband left me the day before Thanksgiving.  Please allow me to give a little history on this action.

 

I can not nor will I place all the blame on my husband... I am not that way.

 

In 2006 I was working as a Data Entry Consultant on a temp job.  Suddenly I got violently ill, like I was getting motion sickness from the computer screen.  Then a horrible headache followed.  I have been seeing doctor after doctor for multiple reasons and have been suffering with these severe headaches since that day.  I will not bore you with the list of things now discovered wrong with me.

 

Needless to say this was a large blow to my then fiancee.  Though we managed, I was physically miserable as well as developing a serious case of anxiety.  I had worked all my life, and no one could pinpoint the real culpret and fix me.

 

My fiancee and I lived as happy as we could, raising my three children, then my oldest was reclaimed by my mother for no reason.  She had guardianship but had let my daughter live with me for 11 months before she just took her from school behind my back.  My own mother then tried to get me in trouble with Child protective services for supposedly talking to ghosts... and then tried to get a restraining order against me.  So now I had CPS in my life during a crisis and this was all while I was trying to regain my guardianship of that child.  My own mother was lying about me, and I was raked over with the courts.  My daughter who told me she loved me to no end and that she wanted my fiancee to adopt her, as she called him DAD, suddenly hated me, never wanted to come home and started calling my fiancee by his first name.

 

This caused even more stress, for my heart felt like my child was kidnapped, as I found out that my daughter collapsed at her school when she saw her grandparents and told the Vice Principle how they were abusive, she freaked out so badly the school called police and EMS, but still made my daughter go with the grandparents and no call to have DCF of Connecticut follow up on my daughters claims!

 

After that, my mother started court process on child support, I was not working, and I tried to show the court, but they did not care unless I had a letter from SSI to prove my disabilities. 

 

Through all this, my fiancee and I tied the knot, as he was doing well and we just got our first home.

 

When I moved out of state, things got worse!  I told the court what was going on, and no one believed me.  Instead, the court admitted the grandparents were in neglect of my child, but because I was not active in Therapy, due to the ghost comment from mother dear, I could not have my daughter back.

 

Then the horrible phone conversations started.  I could not speak to my daughter anymore.  Even though the court had stated I was to have full contact with my daughters providers, the guardians told the school and doctors they were NOT allowed to speak to me.

 

So now I was not allowed to even be my daughter's mother, even though my mother told everyone she would have nothing to do with me, no matter what. 

 

After we had moved, my husband started looking for work in this area, but no luck.  Our money went to reapairing broken pipes in the home which burst over the years from trapped water, and he was running out of options.

 

He never told me we were going under until it was too late.  He looked at me and told me we had maybe $60 left in the account.

 

We had been getting into alot of fights, and for reasons I do not understand, neither of us could talk to the other without the blame game making it's way into the discussion. 

 

Finally I had enough, and told him to get out.  No I did not mean it, I was angry... REALLY ANGRY!  I just wanted time to myself, and I told him I wanted a divorce, we couldn't talk to each other anymore.  And no I did not mean that either.  I wanted to work it out, and I thought Divorce would help convince not only him, but me to actually do something to save our marrage.

 

He made arrangements to leave, and no matter how I begged him, plead cried or all the above would change his mind.  He left.

 

I was soooo angry!  Not because he left, but because HE GAVE UP!!  In past fights, I had expressed how I felt trapped, how I was hurt because he always told me he felt I used him!  That I just wanted the house we shared!  I told him I wanted to just run away from everything, but he never gave up on me, and he told me how he and the children would be lost without me.

 

ANd he just LEAVES????  Then the bills came.  My mortgage, lights, and telephone/cable/internet, are all behind by THREE MONTHS!!!  Due to Mortgage being behind, I am now recieveing water bills, my lights are due to be shut off, and I have no job!  I am still pending on SSI, waiting on State help because of a Doctor's form they need to even give me MEDICAL!  My Anxiety is MUCH WORSE!  I can not go out in public without having a meltdown.

 

I talk to him every night, if that is what you want to call it.  He told me when he was leaving that We were TOXIC to each other, and he didn't know if the seperation is temporaty or permanant. 

The way he is acting when I talk to him, he has already made up his mind- he is not comming back.  I tried to tell him about todays show, to read to him we could save our marrage... He told me he didn't want to hear it right now, and cut me short.

 

I do not know what to do.  He was the best thing to ever happen to me, he was loving, and caring... but he said he had to leave because living with me made him want to kill himself, he did not look forward to waking up in the morning.  How could I be loosing my soul mate, my best friend, my husband so easily?

 

PLEASE HELP ME FIX MY MARRAGE!!!

 

 

 
December 3, 2008, 4:10 pm CST

The black Couple

To who may read this letter,  The male has lost his spirit in this relationship.  He should get a divorce and move on to re kindle his spirit.  Also, as long as he is with this woman he will never be completely happy because it is all about her, her family and her girl friends.

I just hope they don't have any kids.  I don't know because I start to watch the show at the end.  I don't care if this man was working and making ( I would say, a million a year)  it will still be all about her.

 

I am so tried of how this country has caused men to lose their spirit by not looking at female abuse.  As if someone or something is causing the destruction of the family in the so called country.  I'm a man who were in saturation that my two ex's killed my spirit and at times I don't have the spirit to work.

To this day I am suffering from depression and I need to take medication everyday.  My spirit was so bad I attempt suicide twice.  I got out of the last married and I worked a full time job, a part time job and went to college part time.  I was in my forties then.  I finished college and I am retired and the most happy ever since my childhood.

 
December 3, 2008, 4:43 pm CST

LEAVE HIM!!

Quote From: fwrinkledsoles

To who may read this letter,  The male has lost his spirit in this relationship.  He should get a divorce and move on to re kindle his spirit.  Also, as long as he is with this woman he will never be completely happy because it is all about her, her family and her girl friends.

I just hope they don't have any kids.  I don't know because I start to watch the show at the end.  I don't care if this man was working and making ( I would say, a million a year)  it will still be all about her.

 

I am so tried of how this country has caused men to lose their spirit by not looking at female abuse.  As if someone or something is causing the destruction of the family in the so called country.  I'm a man who were in saturation that my two ex's killed my spirit and at times I don't have the spirit to work.

To this day I am suffering from depression and I need to take medication everyday.  My spirit was so bad I attempt suicide twice.  I got out of the last married and I worked a full time job, a part time job and went to college part time.  I was in my forties then.  I finished college and I am retired and the most happy ever since my childhood.

Your right about one thing they should divorce, she needs to leave his LAZY ASS on the curb!!! If course everything's was all about her SHE was providing EVERYTHING, doing the cooking, cleaning and working while he sat on his a$$ and meditates!! And if you spineless men can't hack it with REAL woman breaking your weak little sprits, than maybe you should turn to each other!

 

To the black woman on this show LEAVE HIM!! There are good men out there that will treat you right and work hard to provide for their family, I work 1 job while my husband works 2 full-time jobs! There is no reason at all that you should be doing EVERYTHING while he does jack $hit, is this really what you want for your life? He's acting like your child, not your husband!

 
December 3, 2008, 4:46 pm CST

a different perspective

I just finished watching this episode and I want to say to these couples, please stop the fighting. Yes, times are really hard right now. There's that saying "life's too short". How well I know. I wish I had my husband to go through these tough times. But he passed away 3yrs. & 4 months ago. We were married  for 30 yrs. And I was left with $20,000, yes $20,000 in medical & credit card debt. So , here I am by myself. struggling day after day. Luckily though I have no small children to worry about. So please people stop, stop the fighting, come together as a couple & work on these problems.you both have each other to lean on. Remember the vows you took, for better or worse. Cherish each day you have together because  you . 

don't know how long you have.

 

Sincerely, Mary

 
December 3, 2008, 5:16 pm CST

He Needs to Stop Daydreaming

  Hello all, I have a problem with this husband not wanting to support his family. Nobody

I know REALLY WANTS TO WORK! But the fact of the matter is that we have to if we want a place to live and if we want to eat! He said that he is a "faith based" man or that his family is; that he was raised that way. Well the Bible I've read said that if a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat! FLAT OUT! Why does he think that it is ok for her to work her butt off while he sits around with his thumbs up his butt all day and does nothing? She can do bad by herself! He must not have actually read his Bible at all because if you want to get technical, the man is supposed to be the provider anyway. I understand that two incomes are always better, but he should be ashamed of himself letting his wife carry him like that.

      The other thing is that, why can't he do any house work to at least help her out? If he couldn't contribute financially, then he could wash the clothes, cook dinner, keep the house up.

 
December 3, 2008, 5:22 pm CST

Please don't proselytize to me.

Dr. Phil,
I'm an avid fan of your work and am so thankful that you're raising awareness about therapy and recovery.  You do a great service.  But I get frustrated when you have T.D. Jakes on your show (nothing personal, I'm sure he's a nice man).  It comes across to me as pushing your faith on me and it doesn't seem appropriate.
  Yes it is a free country and you have a right to use your show to try to promote a Christian preacher if you want to, but I at least wanted to let you know how it makes me feel.  I'm not a Christian and I feel insulted when you have him on the show, preaching Christianity.  And I get really frustrated when people start quoting the bible as though it has some power.  It is a book and has no power other than the power people choose to give to it.  It was written thousands of years ago before people knew the Earth was round and that the Universe is billions of years old.  Sure it has some nice quotes in it, as do many books.  But it also has lots of immature, out-of-date, hateful and even misogynistic stuff in it as well.   When T.D. Jakes started quoting that the bible says a man should provide for his house I was so frustrated by that.  When are we, as a people, going to finally mature and see that we are letting a stupid book hold us back.  And that stupid book is allowing us to continue a belief in old, outdated philosophies that keep men and women in stereotypical roles that are not good for them.  No a man does NOT need to provide for his household if the couple has decided they are happy with the roles reversed.  One of my dearest friends does it the other way (she has the career and he stays at home with the kids) and it works WONDERFULLY.  The issue with that couple today was not that the man doesn't have a job, it was that the wife was not happy with the situation.  Yes, in that case they do need to work something out, but the automatic belief that he must get a job is NOT necessarily the answer.  The answer is for both of them to dig deep and communicate both of their needs and come to some kind of a compromise and a plan that they can both get behind and work with.  So basically the focus on the bible caused you guys to gloss over the real issue and not help that couple to come up with the solution that is best for them.  That really frustrated me.   I'm so tired of religion and how people use it to try to create cookie-cutter, stereotypical roles for people.  Today's show really frustrated me.  I am thankful that you will be getting real tomorrow with your "Get Real Retreat".  I'm sorry to complain but I think it's important that you at least hear how this show made me (and most likely other non-Christians) feel.  It makes me feel preached to and totally unsatisfied and VERY frustrated.   Respectfully, JennInCali
 
December 3, 2008, 5:24 pm CST

I totally agree

Quote From: lila_lilac

Hi all,

 

  I'm new here-- first post-- please bear with me. 

 

  Anyway--  I can't believe Dr. Phil--  how come -- with the last couple shown-- Dr. Phil  never mentioned the fact that the husband without a job doesn't even do ANY house work?   The wife works all day and then has to come home and cook dinner, clean house and do laundry!!!   excuse me!!   It's as if this husband wants to be her child instead.   He is not holding up any of the weight of being married and an adult.

 

   I found it a bit upsetting that Dr. Phil didn't bring that up.   I bet he would have if the wife was home and not working and not cooking or doing housework.   He would have asked why she doesn't do any of the house work.......... so why didn't he ask the husband???   is Dr. Phil stuck in Victorian times???  me thinks so.    It's quite sad when a popular TV personality doesn't try and bring humanity up with the times.......  I'm so disappointed...........  :o(

 

 

Lila

 

  

Lila I wondered the same thing!  The husband NEEDS TO GROW THE HELL UP AND BE A MAN!!!!!!!
 
December 3, 2008, 5:47 pm CST

When God Made Man SHE Was Only Joking...

Quote From: joannegipson

I was suprised when neither You, Dr. Phil or T.D. Jakes said, a belief that I have always had.  This life is not always about money.  Can your money hold you when you need to be held?  Can your money  listen to you when you have something to say?  Can your money warm your heart by loving you for you?
I say no, Yes I understand that bills must be paid, mortages, utilities etc but people will be suprised as this crisis grows, how much you actually DON'T NEED. Yes you may want it, but you don't NEED it. I heard you say this afternoon "that teenagers were in depression" due to the lack of money.  I feel sorry for all of those who think that money will make them happy or "secure".  My husband and myself never argue about money.  There is no point. It doesn't make more money appear, nor does it pay an overdue bill.  We all need to go back to a simpler way of life.  Before you buy something ask yourself "Do I need this or do I want this."  And purchase accordingly.  Also Dr. Phil and all of you that "stress out" over money matters remember "That this too shall pass". God has us all in His hands, and He will never put more on us than we can handle" .  Trust in Our God, look to Him for answers, and sleep sound tonight.

I like a lot of what you said about not "needing" possessions to be happy (that's actually a very Buddhist philosophy) but I get very frustrated when people use the pronoun "He" and "Him" when referring to a Higher Power (or God).  There is no man in the sky... and as a woman I am insulted when people use that pronoun.  Our words are VERY powerful and when we use the pronoun "he" or "him" we create a very strong image in our head that is not healthy, in my opinion.

 

The Great Spirit that Moves Through All Things (as Native Americans put it) or The Force (as George Lucas puts it in 'Star Wars') is neither male nor female and it is not a human entity.  I wish we would grow past that old, outdated and incredibly limiting picture of "God".

 

Respectfully,

JennInCali

 
December 3, 2008, 5:54 pm CST

Dear Sharika and husband

Sorry to hear that your husband's work life is unfulfilled. Like him, I went to Howard University too and after visiting a school with such a rich Afrocentric heritage, I was completely bored with what the rest of the world had to offer. I was looking for more in this life than the traditional role mom, student, worker. Anyways, I didn't end up graduating from Howard. I came back to California and realized that I needed to make something out of my life no matter what else was going on. I realized that being thankful and appreciative of what I do have makes a big difference. It sounds as if your husband wants a good life,but doesn't realize that he already has it good and sometimes, if you don't kick yourself the good life will just slip by without noticing what ever happened. Also, I would suggest that he go to work and be himself which will help him get over the blues, read books on break, write poetry, buy joke books, bring organic foods to lunch and start the morning off with a great breakfast. I sympathize with him, because the work life doesn't have much to offer except a paycheck for some. But it is also, what you make out of it and how you can appreciate what you do have. Don't be idle, strive hard and life can become a dream tomorrow. Don't give up on life so early, find a way to make things work for you. Find a part time lawyer's position, something that works within your schedule. Drink a glass of wine here and there and don't let anybody at work, ever see your weakness. But be sure to be yourself and things will come easier. Sharika (Sorry if the name is misspelled) is a beautiful wife and she deserves a good life too. You must do this for you and stand on your own two feet and then you can prove to your wife that you are doing this for her too and your family. Sorry to hear that life in the workplace is unfulfilled, but reading Proverbs and Ecclesiastes will help, especially Ecclesiastes. Yes working, the toil, is a vanity if not put into the right perspective. Take Care. I'm glad to hear about Howard alumni.
 
December 3, 2008, 6:02 pm CST

12/03 Families under Fire

Quote From: cincymom23

Your right about one thing they should divorce, she needs to leave his LAZY ASS on the curb!!! If course everything's was all about her SHE was providing EVERYTHING, doing the cooking, cleaning and working while he sat on his a$$ and meditates!! And if you spineless men can't hack it with REAL woman breaking your weak little sprits, than maybe you should turn to each other!

 

To the black woman on this show LEAVE HIM!! There are good men out there that will treat you right and work hard to provide for their family, I work 1 job while my husband works 2 full-time jobs! There is no reason at all that you should be doing EVERYTHING while he does jack $hit, is this really what you want for your life? He's acting like your child, not your husband!

I don't suggest men turning to men. But I do think that he should get a good paying job. By the way, if your husband  works two jobs, and you work one, when do you have time to be married to one another. Though its none of my business. I feel some relationships lack comfort, caring and understanding and obviously that was SHARIKAs style. Not everybody has the same concept of marriage.
 
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