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Topic : 12/22 Little Mean Girls

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Created on : Friday, September 16, 2005, 04:29:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 09/20/05) They kick, they spit, they punch, they even cuss. Parents say their precious daughters have turned into "little mean girls." Mark and Heather are divorced and can't agree on how to parent their 6-year-old daughter, Montanna. Is Mark's macho personality making Montanna more aggressive? Or is it because Heather doesn't believe in spanking? Then, Jana and Cory are worn out by their 4-year-old daughter, Alyssa, and her bullying behavior. She bullies, name calls and screams at the top of her lungs. What are they doing wrong, and how can they make her behave? And Michelle says she has created a spoiled brat and giving in has become easier than fighting her "princess." Do you have any advice for these guests? Tell us.

 

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September 20, 2005, 3:30 pm CDT

Girls Behavior

My daughter is 8 years old.  She has always been STRONG WILLED!   This has been a challenge to conquer.  We have just made it clear that she is not in control.  That we are the adults in the situations. 

  

She is extremely brazen (several times, I say, "She's got brass balls"), 


I must say that she is a super kid.......no issues!!!!  She knows who's 'the boss' :) She does respect any adult figures in her life. 

  

We have always told her that she will NOT be the boss from the get-go (in her adult life)......that she must answer to someone when she gets out there in the working field! 

  

She does behave!!   

  

As all kids do, she does push her limits!  We just have to remind her who's the adult in the situation! 

  

I do believe that this strong willed personality will help her later in life --- once she realizes that she has to interact with lots of people in her life!! 

  

Thanks...........I heard one of the moms on the show today comment that her daughter has balls --- I totally understand!!!!!!!!  Mine gets mad at me and tells me, I"m a girl -- I don't have balls!!"   We quickly discuss the issue and the matter is resolved! 

  

hang in there parents......just have to be consistent and show them where the authority figure lies :)  I know all kids are different. 

  

  

 
September 20, 2005, 3:37 pm CDT

2 year old tantrums

Back to the LITTLE MEAN GIRLS discussion.  I almost think that those little girls are too young.  Like Alyssa could almost be a delayed 2 year old tantrum.  I think Montana being 6 yrs is a little old for that.  But each of my kids went thru the terrible two's at different times:  one was 18 mos ending at age 2.  Another started with the terrible 3's and had no terrible two's and another started at age 4 and was no problem until then.  My 8 year old still has the terrible two's.... probably because he's the baby.  The baby just doesn't get in as much trouble from you for the same things the oldest got in trouble for..... Its almost like you are lightening up and preparing to enter that grama stage.... *laugh*
 
September 20, 2005, 3:45 pm CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: sunalott

We just got a 2 year old foster daughter 3 weeks ago and she's got it all.  She's a bully, she screams and the temper tantrums have been outrageous.  She wouldn't sit on a chair either, so I just moved the time-outs to the high chair.  It contains her and she is mellowing quite a bit.  We've still got a little way to go because it's been something that worked very well for her before she came, but we're gaining.  The tantrums the first day were almost an hour and the only one she had today lasted only 3 minutes.  I can't talk above her screaming even if I wanted to, so I just wait it out.  We always have somewhat of a setback after a visit with her parents, but thank goodness they're for only for a couple hours, every other week.  The funny thing is that she already tells us "I love you," and she wouldn't even let her real dad hug her on the last visit.  Dr. Phil is right about them just wanting boundries.  They love so easily when they know where they stand on things.  We've had to stop her from hitting the 14 year old girl we have.  She's actually made the 14 year old cry by pulling her hair.  It's amazing what these little tiny kids know and do when they first come.  Seems like we get one in the right place and they leave and here comes another.  This is the 4th one with these problems and all 4 have been under 3 years of age when they came to us. 

You describe a 3 year old and I  now know a 16 year old that did  all of the above and is still out of control. She was doing it before the age of 3 too.  She was taken away from her mother at the age of 8 and put into  behavior treatment because of all the same problems.Her mother let her run things and she kept telling her she was  always right. But in school she was and still is a bully with insults, screaming, fighting and manipulative.  Her dad was not as involved as he should have been big mistake. He is  now is trying to deal with  all of this in treatment programs that are not working.  The state refuses to allow her to return to her mother. She was kicked out of foster care this year and is back with dad. This is a mess.   This 16 year old will not graduate from HS and I don't know how she will survive in life. She still feels she is right and everyone else is wrong.  These parents need to realize  it could become something that cannot be fixed. Then what? 

 
September 20, 2005, 3:48 pm CDT

odd

 Hi I've had similar problem with my son and after seeing a doctor for his behavior, the doctor told my that my son had oppositional defiant disorder,  since ive known this i have read up on it on the internet and it has helped alot! just wanted to share .
 
September 20, 2005, 3:55 pm CDT

So nice to see you all have the answers!

I am not trying to be nasty, but some of you are very judgemental.  I have 4 children 18,15 and twins 9(major handful).  I have parented the younger two under totally different circumstances due many reasons.  Needless to say I made mistakes with them all, but more with the younger ones.  I am currently trying to correct those mistakes and teach them the proper way to behave.  I do assume responsibility for where they are and how they are to some degree.  Although the older ones were boys and the younger girls.  They are nothing alike.  My point is this, I made most of my mistakes because of some circumstances that were out of my control, or so I thought at the time.  I was not intentionally being a bad parent, I was confused as to how go about some things, and also in a major depression.  What these parents need is someone to understand them, and help them.  Not put them down and beat them up, believe me they beat themselves up enough.  When your child is kicking screaming and having a fit that is totally out of control, you know you have a problem, and you know you need help.  Unfortunately, most people who are supposed to help you just want to put them in hospital and sedate them.  I know this because that's how they wanted to "Help" my family.  Stop judging people when you do not know their circumstances.  Instead, meet them where they are and help them see what's really going on.  We can change ourselves and our children but it takes time patience and a really good support system around you. 
 
September 20, 2005, 4:00 pm CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: sarahjs26

dr. phil always says it takes 1000 thata girl to take away 1 bad comment.  I think, i know cause it has worked on my youngest son, he was a temper tantrum taker, big time, along with all that involves.  don't forget, one on one, draw picture sing songs play video games(non violent). do what ever gives you that good loving quality time with your child as much as possibe, and your child will learn to be just as kind to the other people in his\her life, because you showed them how.

During the foster/adopt classes my husband and I took, the instructors showed a great video that I can't remember the title of, but it was essentially why some kids excell with positive outlooks and why they don't crumple after a bad comment, day... It was something to do with poker chips.  I should look it up. 

  

It was in reference to special needs children.  The thousand atta boy's were poker chips in this reference.  The kid who has received the thousand poker chips, but gets hit with a 100 chip loss due to being called stupid, etc, will recover much quicker than the child who is trying desparately to hold on to only 5 poker chips they've received. 

  

We did have some temper tantrums (recently over the summer) with our 5yo, but we've found that we are mirror to him.  If we don't lose control unnecessarily (i.e. yelling, screaming), and simply state consequences in a matter of fact way, we were able to reduce the tantrums to nearly 0.  My behavior models how we expect our kids to act.  And if tantrums or other negative behaviors happen, we are very clear that priviledges get lost--esp with our 5yo since our other two boys are in their 20's:-)  We've been able to easily rein in the positive, and those "poker chips" are just flying into our 5yo's hands! 

 
September 20, 2005, 4:01 pm CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: missjane2

Back to the Subject:  LITTLE MEAN GIRLS  The whole reason I brought any of this up was just to say that kids are all different.  This one I have been talking about cried 10 hrs a day for 1 year as a baby.  His brother before him didn't cry at all.  But everyone has a different personality.  And although parents do their best and have the best intentions:  a kid's Peter Rabbit nature lurks .....and you still got to love them and be patient with them.

 Yes every child is different. But it doesn't change the disipline that needs to be taught.   Too many little  mean girls is the blame for bad parenting. I brought up my point because I feel that it is due to bad parenting because parents want to be their childs friend not a parent.  Too many parents these days just give in and they shouldn't.  Making excuses for the child only makes things worse and takes the blame on what is really happening.   A lot of people blame child behavior as some kind of illness. In todays society, everyone seems to be concearned that their child has an illness wether it be ADD or Anti-social personality.  You know what, that is a bunch of baloney and those children who really have an illness get shoved aside. It also is a way the parents don't have to admitt that they have done bad parenting. So this is my opionion. I attack the subject as a whole and not an individuale case. 

Liz 

 
September 20, 2005, 4:03 pm CDT

pushing our buttons

I have a three year old that can be very difficult.  She knows right when to act up and when to say she's sorry.   I've tried to lock her into her bedroom like Dr. Phil has suggested, and now she is petrified to be alone in a room and god forbid if I leave the house to even get the mail without her. I've tried to get down to her level and talk to her instead of yelling; sometimes it works and others she don't want to listen.  Lately our biggest problem is to get her to stay away from her sister, who is 6 months.  She pulls her, wakes her up, rolls her over, takes her toys away, basically everything to annoy her.  She talks back, is a very sexual little girl (which the doctor says is normal)still wets the bed at night, she will do something wrong while looking right at you.  We try to show her equal attention, but she likes to push our buttons and knows just how to do that.  I just don't know how to get across that being good is much better than doing something bad.
 
September 20, 2005, 4:14 pm CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: rjbuckeye

Dr. Phil has done several shows now with out of control kids and kids that throw tantrums, and he has given pretty much the same advice to all of the parents. I was wondering if there are any posters out there that have tried his suggestions on their own kids. Has anyone stripped their kids rooms and had success/failure? I know for a lot of parents it is hard to break the habit of yelling. It is hard to stay calm with a tantrum is going on. Anyone have a success story to share, on how Dr. Phil helped them change their parenting style? 

  


Rachel 

I have tried to lock my daughter in her bedroom and now she is petrified to be left alone.  She wont let me even go down stairs to get the mail without her going to.  Now I don't know what to do to built up that confidence to leave her alone with out the worry of a door being locked behind her.  At first she wouldn't even let me lock the front door because she was afraid of not getting out again.  Now when I punish her she screams don't lock the door like i was this monster who never let her out of her room.  I mean it was only for about 15 to 20 minutes that she was in there.  I love Dr. Phil and most things that he says, but this time it wasn't for our family.  Not everything he says is for every family.
 
September 20, 2005, 5:05 pm CDT

been there done that

Quote From: tbeeman

I am not trying to be nasty, but some of you are very judgemental.  I have 4 children 18,15 and twins 9(major handful).  I have parented the younger two under totally different circumstances due many reasons.  Needless to say I made mistakes with them all, but more with the younger ones.  I am currently trying to correct those mistakes and teach them the proper way to behave.  I do assume responsibility for where they are and how they are to some degree.  Although the older ones were boys and the younger girls.  They are nothing alike.  My point is this, I made most of my mistakes because of some circumstances that were out of my control, or so I thought at the time.  I was not intentionally being a bad parent, I was confused as to how go about some things, and also in a major depression.  What these parents need is someone to understand them, and help them.  Not put them down and beat them up, believe me they beat themselves up enough.  When your child is kicking screaming and having a fit that is totally out of control, you know you have a problem, and you know you need help.  Unfortunately, most people who are supposed to help you just want to put them in hospital and sedate them.  I know this because that's how they wanted to "Help" my family.  Stop judging people when you do not know their circumstances.  Instead, meet them where they are and help them see what's really going on.  We can change ourselves and our children but it takes time patience and a really good support system around you. 
i understand totally how different kids are raised.  i had 2 girls 15 months apart and they were so totally different.  the oldest needed to be independent and no long hugging just a kiss and let her get on with exploring her play area.  my second daughter needed as much loving hugging and kisses as i could give and then some.  i was accused of loving her more than my oldest by people who did not live with us or know the situtation.  i dealt with it the best i could and was satisified that the girls flourished and grew.  i had my son when the youngest daughter was 7.  i had all the time in the world to play and enjoy him, much more than with my girls and i could see how much i had missed with them because there was 2 to take care of and i was with my son and we did things together.  he learned  in a different type of situtation than the girls did and all 3 were well mannered and a joy to take anywhere.  along came my second son when i was 30 and all 3 children were in school, should have been a similar time for him as with my first son, wrong.  our life changed drastically.  my husband ask for a divorce and he had no time with the kids.  not that he was with them that much as he was a navy man and gone with his ship.  before the divorce was final he was killed and my 4th child was not raised with both parents and the whole of his life has been harded than for the other 3.  so even with the best of situtations a child is formed by more than the parent siblings and enviroment.  there is no set rules and a parent just has to do his and her best with each child and show the love in the way they need.  i send a prayer to all parents today.  my best advice now that i am through those years is to teach the lessons early.   a child that is allowed to touch anything act in any manner or say words not acceptable because they are so cute is not at fault for how they continue to act when they grow out of being cute.  you reap what you sow.  a pat on the fingers when touching things is not abuse it is allowing them to touch that will be abuse to you later.
 
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