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Topic : 12/22 Little Mean Girls

Number of Replies: 161
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Created on : Friday, September 16, 2005, 04:29:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 09/20/05) They kick, they spit, they punch, they even cuss. Parents say their precious daughters have turned into "little mean girls." Mark and Heather are divorced and can't agree on how to parent their 6-year-old daughter, Montanna. Is Mark's macho personality making Montanna more aggressive? Or is it because Heather doesn't believe in spanking? Then, Jana and Cory are worn out by their 4-year-old daughter, Alyssa, and her bullying behavior. She bullies, name calls and screams at the top of her lungs. What are they doing wrong, and how can they make her behave? And Michelle says she has created a spoiled brat and giving in has become easier than fighting her "princess." Do you have any advice for these guests? Tell us.

 

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September 20, 2005, 9:18 pm CDT

Obviously not a single parent

Quote From: kirbyfla

  

watching the show i can see that every one was walking over the wife. she needs to take command a little.  yes mark shouldnt have called her names in front of the kids. but  seeing there home where were they to go to have there fight  where the kids were not. and dose any one plann a fight or do they just happen...hummm  i think that there cant be a fight unles both side are involed.    

Doc Phil is 100 % right  take everything away from the kid until she learns respect,  and learns her boundries. then over time slowly when she earns them, give stuff back.  if you only have one parent that inforce, punish , is stricked,  it is like driving a car wiht only 2 full tiers. i am just saying that if the wife was more strick wiht the kids and not give in so much and be upfront and forceful with this kid there wouldnt be an issue.  

As the single mother of an almost 3 yo girl who has already been diagnosed w/ ADHD, she is very much like the 4 yo on the show. Her father and I truly hate each other, but have learned to maintain a certain standard of composure and pleasentness when Savannah is around. There have been MANY MANY times that I have had to tell him we'd continue the discussion later and have made a phone call from outside once she was in bed to continue the arguement. There is never any reason to argue in front of your children. It is just a matter of growing up and acting like the adult you claim to be.
 
September 20, 2005, 9:23 pm CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: kirbyfla

  

watching the show i can see that every one was walking over the wife. she needs to take command a little.  yes mark shouldnt have called her names in front of the kids. but  seeing there home where were they to go to have there fight  where the kids were not. and dose any one plann a fight or do they just happen...hummm  i think that there cant be a fight unles both side are involed.    

Doc Phil is 100 % right  take everything away from the kid until she learns respect,  and learns her boundries. then over time slowly when she earns them, give stuff back.  if you only have one parent that inforce, punish , is stricked,  it is like driving a car wiht only 2 full tiers. i am just saying that if the wife was more strick wiht the kids and not give in so much and be upfront and forceful with this kid there wouldnt be an issue.  

 
September 20, 2005, 9:27 pm CDT

monkey see, monkey do

Quote From: kirbyfla

  

I think it is too easy to just blame the father. being parents is a 50/50 job   the mother needs to step up and  be a mom run the house and be a parent. stop being run my your kids  you run there lifes not the other way around.    

I also think that mark is a great cute guy and dont beleave as everyone else on this  message board that it was his falt  and that the child  picked up the way she is from him.  If the mother was tuff like him the kid would have no problems and would be a normal little girl. 

did i say that i think mark is a big cute guy yet.......LOL     well he is.      

I'm sorry, but I have seen first hand that a child picks up what they see the non-custodial parent doing because they strive to impress them. It is especially bad in cases like this one, where the non-custodial parent is not around frequently. My daughter is the spitting image of her father in her manerisms and many of the things she does and says, and especially in the way she talks to adults. Her father is rude & disrespectful to his mother in front of my child and she in turn does the same things to me. Mark cannot expect his child to think physical violence is not a good thing when she has seen him beat people to a pulp and he curses at her and badmouthes her mother. Once the child, even at 2 or 3 years old, learns the behavior of disrespecting an adult they will repeat it. My daughter came home from her father's parents' house after a weekend w/ him and his folks and told me I was a whore and my mother was a bitch. I hit the roof and it took me months to stop that behavior from her after an intense fight w/ him and his parents. 

  

The moral is that the child, no matter the age, will do anything they think the absentee parent will like to "earn" that parent's love. 

 
September 20, 2005, 10:29 pm CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: sophia47

i understand totally how different kids are raised.  i had 2 girls 15 months apart and they were so totally different.  the oldest needed to be independent and no long hugging just a kiss and let her get on with exploring her play area.  my second daughter needed as much loving hugging and kisses as i could give and then some.  i was accused of loving her more than my oldest by people who did not live with us or know the situtation.  i dealt with it the best i could and was satisified that the girls flourished and grew.  i had my son when the youngest daughter was 7.  i had all the time in the world to play and enjoy him, much more than with my girls and i could see how much i had missed with them because there was 2 to take care of and i was with my son and we did things together.  he learned  in a different type of situtation than the girls did and all 3 were well mannered and a joy to take anywhere.  along came my second son when i was 30 and all 3 children were in school, should have been a similar time for him as with my first son, wrong.  our life changed drastically.  my husband ask for a divorce and he had no time with the kids.  not that he was with them that much as he was a navy man and gone with his ship.  before the divorce was final he was killed and my 4th child was not raised with both parents and the whole of his life has been harded than for the other 3.  so even with the best of situtations a child is formed by more than the parent siblings and enviroment.  there is no set rules and a parent just has to do his and her best with each child and show the love in the way they need.  i send a prayer to all parents today.  my best advice now that i am through those years is to teach the lessons early.   a child that is allowed to touch anything act in any manner or say words not acceptable because they are so cute is not at fault for how they continue to act when they grow out of being cute.  you reap what you sow.  a pat on the fingers when touching things is not abuse it is allowing them to touch that will be abuse to you later.
 Better judgmental than having your kid end up in jail, on drugs  or just hated by others. childhood is bad enough without being raised by bad parenting.  My statement was said to wake lazy parents up and take responsability for their children.  This whole society is becoming disfunctional because parents won't wake up to the fact that they are the ones who need to change not the medication.
 
September 21, 2005, 5:39 am CDT

09/20 Little Mean Girls

Quote From: missy10

  

  

I worked with behaviorally challenged kids for twenty years.  Have you had him seen by a specialist?  He sounds like he may have brain damage.  A lot (most) of the kids I cared for had Alcohol related Brain Injury but some of them had problems from early childhood illnesses or strokes.  The fact that he 'had colic" for so long maybe he had headaches or what ever.  These kids have normal intelligence but they cannot quite figure out consequences.  They will do things over and over, or variations of the same scenerio and can't connect the dots. 

  

They have trouble understanding that TV is pretend, that people, animals etc. all hurt.  Most were hyperactive..I didn't ;know until one child taught me that some kids don't sleep.  He could go for days.  Burn out.  If it was just me I would have thought he was out to get me but he had a history. 

  

It starts with social problems but when others reject them they reject back.  They are emotional immature, can't focus, have no impulse control.  They are so confused after a while.  They get distracted, they're hypersensitive, a label rubbing on their skin is excrusiatingly painful but they will burn themselves (badly) and not notice. 

  

I've been retired for awhile but there must be programs etc. to support mothers with high end kids cause they need lots of support, both the child and the mother. 

My daughter was/is the things you describe in your post and she has bipolar disorder II, nad generalized anxiety disorder, as well as, post traumatic stress disorder, that is not related to the other two that is because of sexual abuse. 

The bipolar, I can tell you she was "different" from day one in the womb!! 

She has severe colic and would never sleep at night. 

She was my screamer. Woudl open mouth and scream all the time for no reason. As she got older the rages became more frequent and more violent. She is socially immature and plays better with 9-10 years she is 14. She doesn't get consequences and rarely can pick up on sical cues.  

Her impulse control is ZERO. and the rejection thing is a major trigger for her.  

The labels on clothes are a big thing and the typ eof material that she has to have.  

Anyways just thought I would add my own experience to your post. 

Tammy 

 
September 21, 2005, 5:49 am CDT

I agree

Quote From: flcntygirl

I'm sorry, but I have seen first hand that a child picks up what they see the non-custodial parent doing because they strive to impress them. It is especially bad in cases like this one, where the non-custodial parent is not around frequently. My daughter is the spitting image of her father in her manerisms and many of the things she does and says, and especially in the way she talks to adults. Her father is rude & disrespectful to his mother in front of my child and she in turn does the same things to me. Mark cannot expect his child to think physical violence is not a good thing when she has seen him beat people to a pulp and he curses at her and badmouthes her mother. Once the child, even at 2 or 3 years old, learns the behavior of disrespecting an adult they will repeat it. My daughter came home from her father's parents' house after a weekend w/ him and his folks and told me I was a whore and my mother was a bitch. I hit the roof and it took me months to stop that behavior from her after an intense fight w/ him and his parents. 

  

The moral is that the child, no matter the age, will do anything they think the absentee parent will like to "earn" that parent's love. 

My daughter just moved to her dads and he is always yelling at me on the phone. It didn't take her long to start talking to me the same way he does. 

In fact I tested this theory of mine one day she called after I knew he was at work so I answered the phone and talked to her. She was as sweet as can be and the next day I called her while I knew he was home and she was nasty to me yelling at me then hung up on me only to have him call me back and he started yelling at me about how I had upset her. 

  

I didn't even say anything to her other than asked how school was. I think these kids learn what they see and I have stopped talking to my X because I will not allow either of them to disrespect me. So if that means I do not talk to him anymore then so be it. 

  

She is 14 and I have contact with the school and with her therapist so I really have very little I need from him anyways. 

  

It is easier on her. I think she is afraid to show him she can be nice to me for fear of him being mad at her and that is not right. 

JMO 

 
September 21, 2005, 6:29 am CDT

Little mean girls........

I'm just wondering if any of the parents that were on the show are reading the message board, and if so, how are things going for you now? Did you implement Dr. Phil's rules and advice? I am really interested in seeing an update on these families. I think it is so easy to blame, point fingers, make excuses, etc., but its very hard to roll up the sleeves and get serious about diciplining these children, but thats what they need. The right thing to do is always the hardest thing to do! I'm glad that Dr. Phil had this show because I know that there are thousands of people out there who are in the same situation with their kids and don't know what to do. There are so many parents who don't want their kids to "hate them" or be mad at them, etc... hopefully they can learn that having rules and dicipline IS LOVE, it is showing that you care enough to have rules. Good luck to these families! 

 
September 21, 2005, 7:09 am CDT

in laws

my mother in law is a great lady. i have a son from a previous relationship and her and her whole family treat us like we have been a part of their lives all along. the main reason she is so great is that she stays out of our business. we live in a 2 family builing together, her on the first floor and us on the second...some would screech at this idea, but it works for us. even when i ASK for her advice on marriage and her son, she always answers the same way...." im not getting involved" . this fustrates me sometimes, but overall it has kept the peace between us all.  when she is grouchy i stay away, and vice versa....she knows i am a good hearted, and very imperfect person with a very imperfect past, and that her son loves me and i love him. that is whats important....that is what keeps us all happy...LOVE, RESPECT FROM ALL PARTIES , AND HONESTY.  
 
September 21, 2005, 8:48 am CDT

mean girls

How can a parent think that they can be their child's best friend.  We are suppose to be their parent and lay the law down.  If you are trying to be their friend they aren't going to respect you.  I know from experience.  My mom wasn't my friend and I respected her and still do.  I saw my friends parents trying to be their friends and it came back and bite them in the butt.  You and your child can get along but, you will never be able to be their best friend-it just won't work.  I also think that calling your kids names will affect them in the long run.  My mother did call me and names and still I break down when somebody calls me a name even if they are joking.  It is morally wrong.  Your child will remember that and hold that against you for the rest of your life.  Treat your child the way you would like to be treated and better.
 
September 21, 2005, 9:33 am CDT

You are So Right!

Quote From: missy10

  

  

I worked with behaviorally challenged kids for twenty years.  Have you had him seen by a specialist?  He sounds like he may have brain damage.  A lot (most) of the kids I cared for had Alcohol related Brain Injury but some of them had problems from early childhood illnesses or strokes.  The fact that he 'had colic" for so long maybe he had headaches or what ever.  These kids have normal intelligence but they cannot quite figure out consequences.  They will do things over and over, or variations of the same scenerio and can't connect the dots. 

  

They have trouble understanding that TV is pretend, that people, animals etc. all hurt.  Most were hyperactive..I didn't ;know until one child taught me that some kids don't sleep.  He could go for days.  Burn out.  If it was just me I would have thought he was out to get me but he had a history. 

  

It starts with social problems but when others reject them they reject back.  They are emotional immature, can't focus, have no impulse control.  They are so confused after a while.  They get distracted, they're hypersensitive, a label rubbing on their skin is excrusiatingly painful but they will burn themselves (badly) and not notice. 

  

I've been retired for awhile but there must be programs etc. to support mothers with high end kids cause they need lots of support, both the child and the mother. 

This child is way more than "high spirited" he needs a medical/psycological evaluation ASAP.  All children test the boudaries their parents set forth, but destroying things, and torturing animals is not normal at all.  You are doing far more damage to your child by acting like it's no big deal than dealing with the problem at hand.
 
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