Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Hey I think I justneed to vent, I am not looking for people to tell me what is wrong or what is right, i would like to know how common this is? My problem is this, I have been with this man for 16 years and we have two kids. He doesnt go out , he's not a drinker, he works 40 hours in a week, no more because he hates to work, and lets me know it all the time, but he does have  a serious problem , I think. He play video games, and not just for fun, example, he just had 11 days off, and I clocked him for 4.5 of those days, his hours spent on the machine was 59.5 hours. I ve done this before for a whole month becasue people told me there is nothing wrong with him playing his games, his monthly hours were 248.  our daughter gets mad sometimes and tells him all he ever does is play his games, but he brushes it off, and says she's just trying to get her own way. I have tried talking to him and telling him about ignoring us all the ime, because he puts on headphones to play these, so I cant even talk to him, now he has online things so he talks to strangers all over the world when he plays them, and i sit here and watch TV and am alone. He thinks I am controlling when I try to tell him how I feel. i dont want him to stop, he enjoys it, but i think hes missing out on his kids and Im afraid that when the kids move out, I wont stay either, because it's hard to be ignored day after day. He set his goal on hold for us. He's suppose to be playing music but quit to support us, and Im afraid that this is the reason why he plays, he trying to forget. Although when he did play music, he still played games as much as he could, so maybe it's not  the reason. He'll go over to his cousin's house at least three times a month and maybe stay over so they can play till 600 in the morning, and i'm told at least I know where he is, but it's not that comforting. he's 37 and I am at a loss now, I dont know how much I am suppose to put up with. I have to say I am very cranky and moody because of this and I am afraid that when the kids go, we no longer have anything in common, not that we do now. He never takes me anywhere, and this is becasue he says we cant afford it, but we always manage to afford the new games or a new system. Please if someone out there has some advice or know s what I am going though, I would love to get some help on this matter, I just dont know what else to do anymore,. Thanks all.

My husband and I have been married for along time now and have 2 children and we suffer from the same game playing issues.  My children are both still very young and my heart hurts for all that he is missing out on.  We've had the arguments far too many times to count now but it doesn't seem to do any good.  He will get better and limit his play time for awhile then he's right back where he started and I'm back to watching the kids and being alone again.  I wish I had advice for you but I can't even fix my own marriage.  I often wonder why he has to escape to games, why can't he escape through me.  Sometimes, alot of the times I feel like he prefers hi sgames over me.

I believe men many men need family type training, how toos and the how not toos and if women were so smart they would check out this stuff before kids. 

  

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

I have been with the same man for 8 years we are not married but own a home together.  We have been in turmoil for the past 2 years due to infidelity reasons on both sides. We have recently decided to go our own ways and end our relationship.  We care and love one another deeply and know we have made some horrible hurtful mistakes that has caused us to be where we are currently at.  We are now talking of giving it another try, but im worried that if i do and things dont change i am only setting myself up for heartache and disappointment. We are not young kids we are adults in our 40's.  Is it true once a cheat always a cheat?  Once the trust and respect is tarnished is it possible to get it back?  Are we both just fooling ourselves because we are afraid to let go?  I have put a downpayment on another home but i dont want to be hasty in my decision if there is any possiblilty that we can be back the love and respect we once shared.   I would appreciate any advice.   Help Dr Phil

Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games?  What you doing with you life while he is playing.  Why wait for him to take you somewhere.  Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever.  There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money.  My husband gets distracted with the computer.  A new program so forth.  All men like their toys.  Which is fine.  But it needs to be limited.  You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything.  If everyone is just sitting around watching dad.  What does that teach them.   I distract my husband.  Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer.  If I just ask him to get off it does not work.  But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games.  He will either keep playing the games or join you.  Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.   

  

My husband and I are in a community band.  We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things.  You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you.  There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while.  It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.   

  

If he likes games go bowling with the family.  I don't know.  There is no answer.  It is all in what you want to do with life.   

  

See, even if you divorced him and left him.  What are  you going to do?  What would he be doing?  I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more.  Every time you go to do something.  Like take a walk in the mall.  Invite him..  While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he....  Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section.  I go look at other things.....  And he is happy.  Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy.....  And he is fine with that.  We have an agreement that if something is more than $40.  We ask the other person if it is alright to get it.  So once a month he does get something.  I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out....  So it gets him out of the house....  I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month.  (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.   

  

So why be alone.  Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood.  I don't know? But it is all up to  you........   He is in control of you and the games.  While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well.  Go to the gym anything.   Just find something that you can enjoy as well.  Not just watching him play.............  You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars.   It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game.  I don't know what he played in the band.  Maybe you could learn it and play with him.....  No one has the answer but you...  You just have to figure it out......   

  

Best of luck...... 

Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him.  I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy  as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important..    thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas...

I'm with you, we have had too many fights with the same issue as well, but it's gets very tiring. I tried showing him how many hours he actually plays, but all I got was flack from him and his friends, they could'nt believe I actually kept track of his hours of play. I really dont mind him playing, it'sthe amount of time. If he would leave it until the kids went to bed, or at night on the weekends, but it takes over, I looked for sites that had the same problem, but there doesnt seem to be any. I was thinking maybe there are too many people with this problem, so Thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one. I know he doesnt prefer the games over me, I just think know that he needs them to escape the pressures of work and life. I know that he really enjoys them, I can hear that, I just wish that he waould enjoy the kids the same way, my heart breaks for them too, and I warn him, that there will be a time when they will resent him for it, but he doesnt see it or believe it. So I go on and so do they, and hopfully something  drastic will happen and he will see the light. thank you for letting me know I am not alone...

This is a serious issue, I have suffered from this for years.  It has been at least 19 years since I finally left my ex and he was very abusive.  I met him when I was just 15 years old and very impressionable.  He used me every way til Sunday and when he started hitting me, I chose drugs.  Thank God we never had any kids.  I still suffer from the effects of all of this.  I hope that I can teach my 2 girls to stand up for themselves and not expect a man to make it for them. 

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.