Quote From: sfg1257My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more.
I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom."
My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words.
I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain.
Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money?
He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me.
Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked?
I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.
What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working.
I am so glad you shared your story. It is a mirror for me. When I read your letter I was amazed at the similarities in my own life. I could have written this letter myself. The pattern of behavior that your husband has shown is identical to my husband. He is always critical and nothing ever pleases him. There is no doubt in my mind that if you were to find a dream job tomorrow, he would inevitably find something wrong and then criticize you.
I am 29 with 2 children (4 and 12 months). I am a stay at home mother. After 5 years of marriage I have reached my end. I can no longer tolerate the daily onslaught of abuse. I call it abuse because that is what it is. My soul is wounded and I no longer trust myself. After all I am the one that put myself in this situation. Your letter is like a window into the future. I know that is where I will be if I continue this marriage. It feels like butting my head against a brick wall knowing it hurts but continuing to do it anyway. Insanity! However I have already made preparations to finish my education and within a year and a half I will leave my husband. I feel very deceitful making plans to leave him while pretending there is nothing wrong. However my concern is no longer for him but for my children. I will not subject them to a life of poverty. I know what that is like. My mother was a single mother and worked very long hours in order to provide the essentials for my sister and I. I know what it is like to wish your mother had enough energy to play with you. So I will continue to put on a happy face and I will endure his criticism of every little thing that I do because in a very short time I will have my identity back. I do not have to put up with this I am worth more. I do deserve more. I deserve someone who will appreciate my personality and the love that I give. I may never marry again, but that is a risk that I am willing to take. I truly would rather be alone and happy than with him and miserable. I know one day I will reach the point that I look back and say "why did I wait so long". Because you see I have tried everything ( I'm sure you have too.). This is not a rash decision, it has been a long time coming. I knew within the first 2 months that we were married that I had made a mistake. However, I continued to try. I thought that if I could try hard enough things would work out because that is how life works right? You work hard and then you are rewarded for it. I have now learned that is true only if the thing that you are working hard at is sure to produce the results you want. You can't grow a tomato if you plant a potato.
So, again I thank you. Please know that you have encouraged me. I intend to print a copy of your letter to remind myself when I lose hope and think that it's too hard that I do not want this for my life. I hope I have not offended you in speaking so bluntly about your circumstances. But if we can be honest ,and I think we can because we are both living in the same circumstances, our lives suck! We may have very nice husbands but they are not nice to us and if they can't be nice to us ( a basic human courtesy) then why should we be married to them. I have reached this conclusion. I don't know what is keeping you from reaching this point but I hope you will. You sound like you are a very intelligent person, obviously you have the patience of a saint, and if you have no one else to tell you this, then let me be the one, he does not deserve you. He doesn't deserve any one, no one should be treated this way. Please think back before your marriage and try to remember the hope you had for your life. Did you ever imagine your life this way. Could that person you used to be ever endure this type of marriage. My 23 year old self would rather die than give up her power to man that wouldn't even respect her. The age of 30 is a mile marker and I intend to make my mark. I am so looking forward to turning 30. 50 is also a mile marker. What mark will you set. Don't make the mistake of saying oh well we've been married this long. Americans are living longer every year. You may possibly have 20 more years with him. Please ask yourself 2 questions. If he never changes if your relationship stays exactly the same, do you want to spend the next 20 years with him. Then ask yourself If you had the chance to be truly happy, to be independent, to feel like your whole self, but it meant living without your husband, would you take that chance? I know how it feels to live such a tumultuous life. I know the anxiety. I hope you find your way and I hope you finally find peace.
(Original Air Date: 10/21/05) Money is often cited as the number one reason couples divorce. Dr. Phil talks with moms who say their need for cash is causing major problems. First, Andy and Lynn are newlyweds whose marriage is already falling apart. Lynn says she has to pay for expenses that her waitress salary can't possibly cover, and she has to beg her husband if she needs money. Andy says his wife relies on him for everything and he doesn't think she should get a free ride. Can their marriage withstand the pressure? Then, Alice has invented a product that she thinks will make her millions. But after putting in over $160,000 and turning their house into a factory, her husband has had enough. Does Alice have a great invention or should she just give up? Plus, two moms have a dream of opening up their own boutique, but their husbands say they both need a reality check. Join the discussion.
