Topic : 03/24 Moms Money Conflicts

I am so glad you shared your story.  It is a mirror for me.  When I read your letter I was amazed at the similarities in my own life.  I could have written this letter myself.  The pattern of behavior that your husband has shown is identical to my husband.  He is always critical and nothing ever pleases him.  There is no doubt in my mind that if you were to find a dream job tomorrow, he would inevitably find something wrong and then criticize you.   

I am 29 with 2 children (4 and 12 months).  I am a stay at home mother.  After 5 years of marriage I have reached my end.  I can no longer tolerate the daily onslaught of abuse.  I call it abuse because that is what it is.  My soul is wounded and I no longer trust myself.  After all I am the one that put myself in this situation.  Your letter is like a window into the future.  I know that is where I will be if I continue this marriage.  It feels like butting my head against a brick wall knowing it hurts but continuing to do it anyway.  Insanity!  However I have already made preparations to finish my education and within a year and a half I will leave my husband.  I feel very deceitful  making plans to leave him while pretending there is nothing wrong.  However my concern is no longer for him but for my children.  I will not subject them to a life of poverty.  I know what that is like.  My mother was a single mother and worked very long hours in order to provide the essentials for my sister and I.  I know what it is like to wish your mother had enough energy to play with you.  So I will continue to put on a happy face and I will endure his criticism of every little thing that I do because in a very short time I will have my identity back.  I do not have to put up with this I am worth more.  I do deserve more.  I deserve someone who will appreciate my personality and the love that I give.  I may never marry again, but that is a risk that I am willing to take.  I truly would rather be alone and happy than with him and miserable.   I know one day I will reach the point that I look back and say "why did I wait so long".  Because you see I have tried everything ( I'm sure you have too.).  This is not a rash decision, it has been a long time coming.  I knew within the first 2 months that we were married that I had made a mistake.  However, I continued to try.  I thought that if I could try hard enough things would work out because that is how life works right?  You work hard and then you are rewarded for it.  I have now learned that is true only if the thing that you are working hard at is sure to produce the results you want.  You can't grow a tomato if you plant a potato. 

So, again I thank you.  Please know that you have encouraged me.  I intend to print a copy of your letter to remind myself when I lose hope and think that it's too hard that I do not want this for my life.  I hope I have not offended you in speaking so bluntly about your circumstances.  But if we can be honest ,and I think we can because we are both living in the same circumstances,  our lives suck!  We may have very nice husbands but they are not nice to us and if they can't  be nice to us ( a basic human courtesy) then why should we be married to them.  I have reached this conclusion.  I don't know what is keeping you from reaching this point but I hope you will.  You sound like you are a very intelligent person, obviously you have the patience of a saint, and if you have no one else to tell you this, then let me be the one, he does not deserve you.  He doesn't deserve any one, no one should be treated this way.  Please think back before your marriage and try to remember the hope you had for your life.  Did you ever imagine your life this way.  Could that person you used to be ever endure this type of marriage.  My 23 year old self would  rather die than give up her power to man that wouldn't even respect her.  The age of 30 is a mile marker and I intend to make my mark.  I am so looking forward to turning 30.  50 is also a mile marker.  What mark will you set.  Don't make the mistake of saying oh well we've been married this long.  Americans are living longer every year.  You may possibly have 20 more years with him.  Please ask yourself 2 questions.  If he never changes if your relationship stays exactly the same, do you want to spend the next 20 years with him.  Then ask yourself If you had the chance to be truly happy, to be independent, to feel like your whole self, but it meant living without your husband, would you take that chance?  I know how it feels to live such a tumultuous life.  I know the anxiety.  I hope you find your way and I hope you finally find peace. 

Well I dont know where to begin, I have been married for 20 years and I am 37 yrs old, our only child is grown and married, her name is Jennifer and shes 19 yrs old. As me and my husband was raising this wonderful child, not once did I have to ask my husband for money to buy OUR childs diapers and clothes, my money was his and vise versa, there was no such thing as my money and his money, It was put together in one account and it was shared between all of us as things came up that was needed. My husband and I went without to give to our daughter, and now that shes married we now have money and time we need to enjoy and buy what we want, Its not about what you have in early years of marriage and raising children that matter, Its raising that child to feel loved by both parents. You will have your time when that child or children are raised.  

Angry In Tennessee! 

I agree, marriage should be a partnership, my husband and I put all the money in the bank, pay the bills, and share whats left. We did go through a time where there were certain acussations of a certain someone (me) being a crazy spender...as I was standing there in my Value Village clothing, so I took on the challenge, we were now going to have an allowance, we each got 25.00 a week to spend on ourselves, guilt free and no one was allowed to use credit or debit cards. Well, guess who was always broke..tee hee hee, not me! And I didnt get accused anymore. I also printed out the bank statements and highlighted all the "pub" spending etc. It put things in a whole new perspective for my sweetie. Dont get me wrong, I wasnt keeping score, I just didnt want to be accused of being the high roller when it involved both of us. People should also know their partner a little more before jumping into marriage, didnt these people show any of these signs of control before the wedding day? I dated my hubby for a year, then we lived with each other for 2 years, and got married, and then, after giving our marriage a chance and have some "us" time, three years worth, we had a wonderful baby girl in 2001. 

PS: I also do all the banking,bill pmnts loan apps, everything that has to do with money, my hubby just asks me, hey do we have enough in the bank to cover this? I do it because I like working with numbers and he doesnt. 

It is not your dream but hers, and not your money either.  Was it so "funny" that I had to "laugh uncontrollably"?, no. Her determination and dreams are nothing to be ridiculed, that was her choice. 

You must be a very supportive person to your friends, or just vindictive if  you see that they are trying to achieve some sort of goal?................pathetic................. 

I don't have a husband to gripe at me about money, but as somebody who was recently a kid in school I have to reply to this: 

The man is a moron if he doesn't see the benefit of either a decent private school or a better neighborhood/better public school system over one with poor academics and a drug problem.  I attended the full range of school systems--from upper-middle class, well-respected ones all the way down to a school that occasionally had gang fights on the front lawn.  This is his SON--if he can do better by him, he should.  (Just because it's a private school doesn't mean it's the best--I've been to very good public schools, too, but you generally have to be in a better neighborhood to attend them). 

As far as the swimming goes--hello, the kid should learn to swim.  It's safer, and all kids need to be encouraged to be more active.  $5 a lesson is an absolutely ridiculous reason to make him give it up unless they are literally living hand-to-mouth (which is not the impression I get from the original post).  What is the kid supposed to do, sit in his room all day and stare at the wall?  Twenty years from now, will Dad spring for the Dr. Phil Weight Loss book to make up for all that physical activity that Jr. never learned to enjoy?   

Assuming they are making a reasonable income, these two either need serious marriage counseling, or he needs a shrink, or both.  While I agree that, obviously, parents shouldn't jeopardize the family's long-term financial security on frivolous things, I absolutely believe that children need interests, activities, and experiences outside of school.  I had interests in art, animals, and music that my school system could not support but that my parents did to the best of their ability, which not only life better for me, but greatly enhanced my school experience and, yes, eventually helped me get into a good college. 

Financially responsible is good, but it sounds like Dad has a bad case of "penny wise and pound foolish".  There's absolutely nothing wrong with Costco clothes--my family has always bought plain clothing and worn it into rags--but just because this woman wants to spend a little on her son doesn't mean she wants to spend it on empty material goods.  

I am wondering why there are not more messages posted about the Nail 21 segment...did anyone else DYE laughing when they saw it??? I had taped the show and was watching it later in evening and I had the pause the tape because I was laughing uncontrollably. That HAD to be a joke. No one would put that much time and effort into such a useless product...she hasn't sold a single one!!! What is up with that? Her husband needs to put his foot down ASAP! It is shocking to me that she spent a quarter of a million dollars on a product that holds nail polish!!! That was the most insane thing I have ever seen. 

Personally I thought this was a great idea, just needs a little fine-tuning and marketing, the color options and stuff would be great.  I would buy this item, and would even give as gifts to my sisters.  I think the ONLY mistake in this womans dream, and not that it was a mistake just the lack of marketing/research, I think with any dream or invention its 1% creative thought and 99% effort, and its not a mistake theres just so much to inventing I would imagine!  I dont think anyone should ever give up on their dreams, this one is definitly marketable, but I can sympathize with her husband for all the money invested with no profit and the space taken up, but after the show and realization that she just needs some marketing (and boy did the product already get tons of publicity)  I am sure it will sell.  

 Kudos to anyone who follows there dream and SHAME on anyone who bashes others dreams!  What have YOU ever invented?  What have you pursued?  Without people out here thinking and making up these great new ideas, and sure some will fail, but WHERE would we be?  Isnt it bad enough our schools have less and less art/music programs?  I myself am a creative person and know the life of being looked down on for "living in the clouds" but boy is it SWEET when you succeed and see the looks on everyones faces who tried to push you down but you believed enough in yourself and your dream to show them, but more importantly, to show yourself:)  I hope to see more great ideas and inventions and personally I will be picking up a Nail21 for myself! 

We gross more than $100K/year.   We save $12,000/year strictly for retirement.  We have ZERO credit card debt.  We save an additional 10,000/year outside our 401K we were are not allowed to spend.    

Our ONLY debt is our mortgage balance which is less than $100K which will be paid off in just a few years (not 15,20 or even 45.  )  We have terrific health insurance.  Our vehicles are paid for.  I have literally 2 foot of USED space in the closet for my clothes.... .   Not 2 foot of space, 2 foot of space that all my my stuff fits into.  We've got a broken window in the basement which has been broken for a few years and he will not replace because its not "necessary."  We have ONE child.  I've gone to 3 movies in the last 3 years.  I LOVE the theater, but the last time I was able to go?  5 years ago!   I own 1 pair of tennis shoes, no snow boots, and 1 pair of heels.  I've got 1 winter coat, no gloves, no hats...what would I need THOSE for, we only live in the upper midwest!  

We drive 3, 4, 5 days to our destination instead of flying.  We've taken 1 family vacation in FOREVER (and let me tell you....THAT was a financial fight of the century).  I buy $20-$30 a YEAR at the most on makeup and hair products.  When I started getting my hair cut more often than once a year my husband hit the roof.  I have ONE purse, which cost be $8 3 years ago at Payless.  I tried to function without an oven for about 9 months because my husband decided I didn't deserve a new one when the old one stopped working.       

When I say I shop at Costco, NO there is nothing wrong with costco, its a FABULOUS store, but I should be able to shop once in a blue moon at a "fine department store" like, say JCPENNY!!!   I don't mean to say I'm buying Cashmere sweaters or Leather Jackets at costco either.  I mean if there is a clearance blouse on sale for $14, that will be the nicest blouse I own! 

And when I say I'm frugal....yes, I'm frugal.  My son's clothes are 80% garage sale.  If I've had to buy him new shoes they've been purchased at Payless.  Most of our furniture was brought into our home by ME from before we were married.  Most of our son's toys are garage sale treasures.   

I am do not complain about frugality.  I think a used dining room table is just as nice, or nicer, than a new one.  Being thrifty is something I've been since I was a small child.  If there's a bargain to be found, I'll find it.  Its like a calling.  BUT, enough is enough already.   

I am NOT the person who says we need more in our relationship, it is my husband.  HE is not happy with how much we have.  I am perfectly content, and actually think that we have too much and do not give as much as we should.  Any charitable donations we have made have been made much to the distress of my husband, and the dare I say, pushing, of me.     

What do we argue about?  Healthcare.  My medicines, which I need and have no control over...which we still only pay a fraction of because of our excellent insurance.  He's told me to stop taking my meds to save us money.  Guess I should just tell my doctor, sorry, can't have this years MRI becuase husband doesn't want to put up the 100 dollars!  He's threatened to decrease our coverage for health insurance to FORCE me to not see my specialists.  Yes, healthcare stinks, I realize that, but did you add up how much we SAVE EVERY STINKING YEAR!   Guess if he suddenly came down with prostate cancer I should tell the doctor, sorry , can't afford his chemo, becuase we've only saved $12,000 this year so far!   

My son's small christian school is amazingly inexpensive considering our other choices.  Most other similiar schools in the area are $5000-$15000/year....we pay less than $3000.  Plus becuase our taxes are so low because of the district we live in, our tax savings pay for more than HALF of the tuition.  We've been told by 2 music teachers that our son is gifted musically, but we cannot "afford" $15 or even $10/hour piano lessons (most in the area are $25-30/hour)?  We can't afford $5/hour swimming lessons or even $2/hour for a babysitter!?  Come on.  

We've got a net worth approaching $1 Million.  No one has any idea because we live so meagerly.  I HAVE NO DESIRE for anyone to know what we're worth.  Don't read that into this.  But it is DISRESPECTFUL to honest hardworking people who really are financially torn  to hear my husband tell people that were poor and can't afford stuff, when I know what POOR is...I've been there, and while we arent rich,  we are NOT poor.    

Don't assume I'm the one that Is not appreciative.  I grew up in a very large family.  We had very little for christmas or birthdays but we were very happy.  We were never taught that money made the world go around.  Maybe that's my problem.   I am so greatful to be able to have spent this time with my son.  And so blessed that I've been able to be home to raise him myself.  I am equally blessed that our family income has increased since I left the workforce so our needs are taken care of.  But I do not think that wanting a $20 Mothers Day meal without leaving the restaurant in an arguement  before we could even order becuase it was "too expensive".....I don't think that makes me a bad person!