Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

What is the appropriate age for your adult child to move out? I have a 22 year old daughter, who my husband and I would love to see her be on her own. We have had mulitple problems with her regarding responsibility. She has cost us alot of greif as well as money. She is working full time, although she does not make a lot of money. We think  that  they only way she is going to "grow up" is to move out. She is terrified of the thought and states that the kids she knows all still live at home. Granted this is true but does this make it right? 

  

At what age should your child consider moving out? 

  

  

  

  

Our 32 year old son has returned to live with us 3 times now. This time he has been here for 4 years and will not leave. When we try to confront him he blames us for not sending him to College for an education (We did send him to a computer school , at his request , when he graduated from H.S.) 

  

Four years ago he was burned out on his job , from working up to 90 hours a week. He said he just wanted to crash at home for a few weeks before he went to College for a degree and earn some decent money. He had been making $20-$30  an hour , and briliant at what he did, GPS surveying ,in the field and on the computer. 

  

He must have accumulated a bit of savings ,b/c he has been living on that money , alone.He has never told us his finances but we get the impression he is just now running out of money. He feels he is not mooching off us. He freely eats our food , uses our electricity and uses anything else we have available. 

  

He has told family and friends that we OWE him big time, and that he will leave soon and go to College when he is ready. And if we try to push him out  before he's ready, he will make our life miserable. He has been saying he is going to college for 4 years now and has not put any wheels in motion. 

  

Presently, he sleeps during the day and stays up all night ,sometimes keeping me and my husband awake at all hours. When he's up during the day , he hogs the internet and the phone line. He's causing alot of friction between my husband and myself.  

  

He can be helpful on occassion but for the most part does not lift a finger to help with anyting. He can be very disrespectful and nasty to talk to . He refuses to pay anything towards electricity or any household expense. We cannot confront him about moving on with his life b/c he blows up and threatens us with influencing his brother to never allow us to see our only grandson again. 

  

We feel like our hands our tied. We'd love to send him to school but my husband is about to retire, and neither one of us is in good health. We just don't have the money , to do it.  

  

What should we do ? 

  

Feeling trapped 

 voyager101 : I know how my parents started out, and they don't want me to have to start out like they did..and if you think I have no clue about life, think again.. I've been thru more crap than most adults have..I know about life.  Yeah, I guess I'm a moocher, because my parents are letting me get a better head start than a lot of other people by letting me stay at thier house, and save up.  I'd rather be a moocher and be able to pay my way comfortably when I move out , than be kicked out at 18, not have crap, and have to live paycheck to paycheck. SO.. what does this make my girlfriend.. is she a mooch too because she's been living with me and my parents since she was 16... and doesnt pay rent.?

I wouldn't recommend that the parents rent an apartment for him.  Most leases require that the lessee not sublet without permission, so they would be in breach immediately.  Also, if the son defaults, the parents are the lessee on the lease so their credit rating is again in jeopardy and their son already knows how to use that. 

  

 I would kick him out and tell him that you will lend him the money to pay a first month's rent. Then change the locks, harden your heart a bit and force him to take on the responsibility for his life. 

You are obviously some of the sweetest parents! 

  

But it looks like your son has taken advantage of it.  At $20 to $30 an hour (That's about $40k to $65K annually) He can darn well afford to not live with you. 

  

Unfortunately, you're going to have to take some serious action.  If you can't talk to him (and I would be afraid, too) then talk to a lawyer and have him formally evicted.  Change the locks, change your phone number. 

  

OR  

  

Move all of his things out when he is out for the day.   Put it into storage and pay the first month.  Then change the locks and change your phone number. 

  

If you are truly afraid he will do something truly scary, call the police and ask them for help.  They can even come over and supervise things when you finally get him out.  (The eviction notice is a big help here...) 

  

There is no reason why you should have to be afraid in your own home. 

Yes, I'm absolutely sure you think you know about life.  Everyone your age does.  I did too.  I too had been through more crap than most adults.  You won't be able to see it until you are older, and see that life and this world kick your butt more than you ever imagined possible.  Someone once told me that when I was young and said the same things as you do, and I didn't believe them, after all I'd been through.  But it is indeed true.  It's great that your parents allow you and your GF to stay with them rent free, but as long as you don't pay your own way, you're both still moochers.  Sorry.  I hope you never lose your job or become injured or anything that would cause you to have to live oh so uncomfortably paycheck to paycheck, or lose your house, etc.  You won't have the experience to handle it.

You are a piece of work.  You wanna know what you would do if they kicked you out?  You'd find a place to live and start learning what it's like to take care of yourself!  You'd be surprised what you can do when you are forced to do it.  Do you realize there are families that live on less than 40k a year?  At this point, I blame your parents for putting up with you.

 philfan66 - your right, if they would kick me out, I would find a place to live and I would have to foot it without putting a down payment on a house....

voyager101 - "I hope you never lose your job or become injured or anything that would cause you to have to live oh so uncomfortably paycheck to paycheck, or lose your house, etc.  You won't have the experience to handle it."  <-- your right too, but I'm thinking not a whole lot of people are really prepared for something that dramatic to happen...(lose job, house, etc..) even if they were on thier own when they were very young. 

They are prepared to a large degree, because they got the experience right out of the gate of living paycheck to paycheck and building their entire savings and lives from scratch, all while paying rent, saving for a house, working their way up in their job, and navigating this crazy world. 

  

You won't have the experience of truly starting from scratch, and God forbid something bad does happen, it will be unknown territory for you, and that much more stressful., and a big blow to your attitude of entitlement. 

  

And of course these days, you can't depend on always having a job.  A lot of companies have no loyalty to their employees anymore like they did when I entered the workforce, and it's too common now to be laid off.  And unemployment is nowhere near enough to cover a house mortgage and living expenses. 

  

Since you have this opportunity from your parents, however, I hope besides saving for the house down payment, you also take the opportunity to save up 1.) extra money for the something that ALWAYS goes wrong as soon as you move into a house (water heater dieing, plumbing repair needed, etc), and 2.) minimum 3 months, but better if it's 6 months mortgage, house and car insurance, utility bills, etc, so that if you do get laid off, rack up unexpected medical bills, or whatever,  you have a cushion to sustain you while you get back on your feet and save yourself a truckload of stress.  

  

Again, just my 2 cents :-)  I sincerely wish you and your girlfriend good luck, success and happiness. 

I have never in my life felt compelled to write response to a show.  But this show disturbed me to know end, and I have to get this off my chest.  Watch these "kids" made me sick.  I myself came from a very dysfuntional family and chose to go on my own at 17.  I was not ready but I have made it..  I am now 40 and have been the single parent of 2 children for the last 11 years.  My daughter is 18.....she decided to drop out of school at 17 when after landed a summer job that paid $10/hour......in an office environment, thinking that was better then school.  When she made that discisson I gave he a choice....move out of my home....or pay me $85/week out of which I would pay her car insurance and cell phone bill.  (I bought her the car)  SHe not once in over a year did not leave her money in the designated place, she not once asked me for one penny.  When she turned 18 she decided that she would make her own rules......After hearing "I am 18" , "I pay rent" , "you can not tell me what to do" for the last time....I packed her bags left them in the living room and told her that she had 24 hours to get out.  She has been gone 1 year and we have a great relationship, and she has turned into a wonerful young lady. 

  

We are not obligated to these children for life.  Only till they reach adulthood.   Most of her friends parents hate me, tell her that I am a awful mother and that I am selfish and nasty.  They all have adult children that live at home some more then 2 and can not keep jobs...... 

  

Enablers, thats what these people are........they are allowing the next generation to become worthless, pathetic whiners......