Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

When I watch shows on this topic, I always worry that we're making "living with family" so socially unacceptable that living on Welfare will seem like the better alternative.  I seriously doubt that these three adult children -- do ANY of them currently work? -- are, in 30 days, going to become self-sufficient taxpaying citizens...  More likely they'll end up on food stamps, AFCD for the kids, and subsidized housing...  Not on their parents' dime, but on mine (as a taxpayer); better their parents support them as me, as I didn't choose to have them!!!  13 is a trailer is a bit much, but "co-housing" is actually a perfectly viable, economic, and (should be) acceptable alternative to each member of a family paying for an entire household himself.  This family seems to get along and enjoy each other and, in many cases, it can be a mutually beneficial arrangement (say, for a single parent with a grandma who doesn't mind helping babysit; with an adult child caretaker and older parent; with siblings for company and cutting down expenses).  However, it only works if all are responsible and shift from "parent-child" mentality to "room mate" mentality.  I just wish Dr. Phil would make living with family sound like the kiss of death socially; we don't need MORE Welfare recipients in this country.  Just another view. 

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ AND POST YOUR COMMENTS - I'm sorry it's long - I have tried to condense it wherever possible - It's a difficult situation and I would appreciate any and all opinions.   

Approx. 5-6 months ago, my husband and I (newlyweds, married only 6 wks at the time) were faced with a decision which at the time we knew was the right thing to do.  My husband's 25 year old son and his 24 year old girl-friend were expecting their first child.  Both parents struggling with a crack addiction.   They had recently lost their home due to drug & money problems and were staying with her sister.  My husband's son moved in with us in early October, around the same time that his girlfriend entered a treatment center.  Our beautiful grand-daughter was born less than two weeks later - approx 5 wks earlier than originally expected.   Due to their addiction, the Children's Aid Society required that a suitable home be found where they could be watched closely and where the needs of their newborn child be met.  The home they had been previously living in did not meet these requirements.  I then offered to have them stay with us - providing love, support and guidance as well as supervision - also, rent/expense free - giving them the opportunity to make a plan for their future as a young family, to assess their priorities, to make changes to their lifestyle, to deal with previous financial problems (claiming bankruptcy) and to save the necessary money to again be able to live as independent self-sufficient adults.  

Well, we've done our part, but have we??? Unfortunately, it seems perhaps we've done too much - we've basically created an environment where they don't have to be self-sufficient.  Drugs are no longer a problem - the problem is they are making no effort whatsoever to fix their money problems and move on.  My husband and I have been providing them with a roof over their heads, paying for all household living expenses and paying for pratically every meal.  And, if it isn't us that helps them out financially when they run short, someone else in his/her family does.  They have no money saved, they have done nothing to clean up the past.   

CAS has provided them with direction in caring for their new baby, counselling for their addiction but no guidance with their money problems - This is something I have brought to CAS' attention previously and will be re-addressing again shortly.   

People have suggested we charge them an amount to stay here and then take that money and put it aside without them knowing to enable them to get their own place... this isn't going to help them change their ways, it's us fixing it for them.   

The problem is not going to be solved by forcing them to pay their own way with us, they need to make the decision to want to be independent, to have a sense of purpose and pride, to pay their own way.  They need to figure out a plan to clean up the past, to have money in the bank for their future and to find their own home where they are surviving independently on their own.  They need to make their own plan of how to meet this goal and they just aren't.  In a nut shell, it seems their problem lies with their lifestyle, values and priorities. 

One of their current "priorities" is to keep their dogs - they have two large dogs that although we initially told them could not come here, they ended up here for the first two months they were here  - the dogs now are being boarded at a cost of $400/month.  They don't want to give up their pets for adoption - I basically understand that it would be difficult, but it is also difficult to find a rental property that would accept two animals of this size, they are also very large dogs who although seem gentle have little or no exposure to being around young children/babies, not to mention the expense of having a pet.  The boarding fees for the pets have not always been met by themselves, I think each month they have had to borrow (?pay back?) the money. 

They both smoke $$$.  They occassionally buy alchol when the money is available to do so $$$.  They eat out in restaurants when they are out running errands $$$.  Instead of making a lunch they buy takeout $$$.  They basically spend and and extra cash that they have that they should be putting towards their future. 

My husband and I are beginning to feel trapped because there is no end in sight, they have no plan and I don't see the next six months being any different from the last six : ( I worry about my husband, my two daughters 17 & 13 who are still in school and live with us, myself and them - this is becoming a very unhappy unhealthy situation for all of us - HELP! 

THEY DONT JUST HAND OUT WELFARE. I AM A SINGLE PARENT AND NOW CANT WORK DO TO ACCIDENT. I CANT GET HOUSEING CUZ I WAS WORKING TILL I COULDNT DO IT ANYMORE SO I HAVE PAST BILLS AND THEY WONT LET ME LIVE THERE BUT YET OTHER FIND WAYS????? I QUESS HONESTY ISNT GETTING ME ANYWHERE BUT I WONT LIE TO GET STUFF...WHAT IS WRONG IS KIDS R LAZY NOW....MEN ARE NOT TAKING CARE THERE RESPONSIBLITYS AND BOTH MEN AND WOMEN R LOSING MORALS!!!! 

IT ISNT FAIR I WORKED TILL I GOT SICK AND SUPPORTED 2 KIDS NOT GETTING HELP NOW THAT I AM SICK NO HELP???  

I ran across this post by accident.  You don't know me, but other's here do know me.  The issue of typing in all caps and in bold / red is totally up to you.  If you feel that you need to shout it out, and this is what helps you, don't worry or hesitate. 

I understand in certain environments where this might not be appropriate, but there are times to maintain more control of your emotions, but here, you can let it out the way you feel it.  So don't be too concerned about affecting others.  I know it bothers me sometimes for someone to grade my paper so-to-speak rather than to hear my voice. 

I hope you have made some progress in getting some assistance.  If not you can always contact the American Red Cross, your local churches,  

I do understand your situation to a degree, and wish I knew what else to do at the moment.  If you wish I can do some research, or you can go to the depression message board and post there.  Ask for "yesyoucan" or known as SEA.  She provides a wealth of information in crisis situations. 

I am heading a message board called "A Child's Voice Connection..." located under "News and Current Events" 

I know how adversely a situation like yours can affect you. And the last thing you need is someone grading your paper when you are begging for help. 

I hope I have helped a little.  My email is ChildsVoice@Bellsouth.net 

Take care and may God Bless, 

dj 

Be good, and take care, 

djmatt