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Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Number of Replies: 358
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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times.  Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents.  -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks.  Share your thoughts.

 

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November 5, 2005, 5:53 pm CST

Next Generation of Moochers

I have a 24 year old daughter that lives with her dad and her dad completely supports her, cleans up after her and, even after a long day at work, cooks supper for her and sometimes even for her boyfriend (27 former Marine).  She is a pig and leaves her clothes all over the house.  She dropped out of college after 2 years with some mental issues and has been going to a doctor for over 4 years now.  She has been on all kinds of drugs, legal and not so legal.  Her dad keeps saying she will get better soon.  I moved out of the house 2 years ago because I can't stand how she  lives.  I would love to move back in with my husband and get her out and on her own.  But he doesn't want to confront her because he is afraid it will make her mad.  Also, we have a 21 year old that is not too much better.  At least she goes to school still but will not get a job to help with expenses.  I know it is our fault as parents for not expecting more and now we do not know what to do.  The story on Dr. Phil's show sounds just like our story to some degree.  We need help!!
 
November 6, 2005, 11:01 am CST

moochers

I am a 38 year old who has a 36 year old brother that is the mooch.  Our mother passed away 22 months ago, before she died she asked me to look out for him.  "he is not as strong as you are" she said.  Well he has been living in my house for 14 months now, not working, he is attending technical college but has a year to go before he is finished.  He was injured on the job January  2001, and has not worked since.  Before mom died she gave him her entire social security check to pay his bills while she lived with me and I paid for everything.  I would not take her money because I wanted her to be able to spend it on herself, she only got $550.00.  I also helped him with bills so that he could stay in his apartment.  After mom died I just couldn't keep up the extra $1100.00 each month. 

  

I am now working 80-104 hours a week to stay even with the bills because of my brother.  I no longer have savings because I have spent it all on him.  If he doesn't stay with me he is homeless.  As his only living relative I can't just give him the boot but I also can't keep up the schedule I currently have.  Any suggestions? 

  

  

 
November 6, 2005, 11:17 am CST

I Don't Understand....

Quote From: deslocum

I have a 24 year old daughter that lives with her dad and her dad completely supports her, cleans up after her and, even after a long day at work, cooks supper for her and sometimes even for her boyfriend (27 former Marine).  She is a pig and leaves her clothes all over the house.  She dropped out of college after 2 years with some mental issues and has been going to a doctor for over 4 years now.  She has been on all kinds of drugs, legal and not so legal.  Her dad keeps saying she will get better soon.  I moved out of the house 2 years ago because I can't stand how she  lives.  I would love to move back in with my husband and get her out and on her own.  But he doesn't want to confront her because he is afraid it will make her mad.  Also, we have a 21 year old that is not too much better.  At least she goes to school still but will not get a job to help with expenses.  I know it is our fault as parents for not expecting more and now we do not know what to do.  The story on Dr. Phil's show sounds just like our story to some degree.  We need help!!

Let me get this straight. You have a daughter who has a mental illness, which you don't seem to know what it is since you didn't mention it, and you moved out of the house because of the way she lives her life. WOW! What a self-centered uncaring person you are. If your daughter does have a mental illness it's like any other illness and she needs your support as a mother. 

  

Your daughter coming back to live with you because she has a mental illness does not make her a moocher, it means she's looking for help, support, and guidance. Now, I'm not saying her being untidy is acceptable, this is probably something that needs to be addressed but, for a mother to leave her daughter when she is ill, I really don't know what to say.... 

  

James   

 
November 7, 2005, 5:51 am CST

Read it again.

James -- she said that her daughter had mental issues, not a mental illness -- there is a big difference.  A lot of people have "issues" but aren't necessarily ill.  Her concerns sound pretty valid to me. 

 
November 7, 2005, 6:55 am CST

you're right....you can't keep up .....

Quote From: mogawaii

I am a 38 year old who has a 36 year old brother that is the mooch.  Our mother passed away 22 months ago, before she died she asked me to look out for him.  "he is not as strong as you are" she said.  Well he has been living in my house for 14 months now, not working, he is attending technical college but has a year to go before he is finished.  He was injured on the job January  2001, and has not worked since.  Before mom died she gave him her entire social security check to pay his bills while she lived with me and I paid for everything.  I would not take her money because I wanted her to be able to spend it on herself, she only got $550.00.  I also helped him with bills so that he could stay in his apartment.  After mom died I just couldn't keep up the extra $1100.00 each month. 

  

I am now working 80-104 hours a week to stay even with the bills because of my brother.  I no longer have savings because I have spent it all on him.  If he doesn't stay with me he is homeless.  As his only living relative I can't just give him the boot but I also can't keep up the schedule I currently have.  Any suggestions? 

  

  

 Whose needs are being met? Your mom's? Did she not teach your brother how to be an adult, and THAT's why he's "not as strong as you"? You did not say what type of injury your brother has. It seems he's able to get his body out of his bed without assistance to attend a technichal college, good. Then he is also capable of getting at least a part time job. I did it, my husband did it,my kids did it, all when we were much younger than your brother. "Looking after " someone is different than devoting your entire being to them. You need to set some boundaries. 1. what would he do if  you(strong as you are) wind up disabled because of excessive work to provide for him? 2.What kind of living expenses ARE you providing, that you have to work that many hours? Are there others in the household as well? If not, you both need to look over your spending.3Have either you or him contacted social security, if his injury does not allow him to work, he is eligible for disability, which will provide for some of his living expenses. There are many programs available for the truly disabled, your brother needs to make contact. If he is unwilling or unable to make the effort, then You need to make a tough love decision, because from this perspective, you inherited Mom's 36 year old baby boy who may never choose to grow up unless he's forced to do so.
 
November 7, 2005, 10:35 am CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: unclemtl

Let me get this straight. You have a daughter who has a mental illness, which you don't seem to know what it is since you didn't mention it, and you moved out of the house because of the way she lives her life. WOW! What a self-centered uncaring person you are. If your daughter does have a mental illness it's like any other illness and she needs your support as a mother. 

  

Your daughter coming back to live with you because she has a mental illness does not make her a moocher, it means she's looking for help, support, and guidance. Now, I'm not saying her being untidy is acceptable, this is probably something that needs to be addressed but, for a mother to leave her daughter when she is ill, I really don't know what to say.... 

  

James   

  

  

  

 I have to say I disagree with James on this I dont think just because your daughter has a mental illness that gives her the right to take over your house. Having a mental illness is not an excuse to drop out of college and decide that she isnt going to do anything but have your husband wait on her. I would tell her to get a job and get out!!
 

  

  

 
November 7, 2005, 4:59 pm CST

Boomerang Children

We have 6 kids between us.  3 are in college, 1 lives with her mother, 2 still underage and live at home.  We just down sized our home.  Kids ask where are we going to stay when we come home?  Our answer "you will share a room".  Hopefully they won't stay long!!  We have brought our children up to be independant and money wise. Hopefully it will stick with them.  Mom of 6 and looking forward to the "empy nest".
 
November 7, 2005, 7:30 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: betsypoo

 Whose needs are being met? Your mom's? Did she not teach your brother how to be an adult, and THAT's why he's "not as strong as you"? You did not say what type of injury your brother has. It seems he's able to get his body out of his bed without assistance to attend a technichal college, good. Then he is also capable of getting at least a part time job. I did it, my husband did it,my kids did it, all when we were much younger than your brother. "Looking after " someone is different than devoting your entire being to them. You need to set some boundaries. 1. what would he do if  you(strong as you are) wind up disabled because of excessive work to provide for him? 2.What kind of living expenses ARE you providing, that you have to work that many hours? Are there others in the household as well? If not, you both need to look over your spending.3Have either you or him contacted social security, if his injury does not allow him to work, he is eligible for disability, which will provide for some of his living expenses. There are many programs available for the truly disabled, your brother needs to make contact. If he is unwilling or unable to make the effort, then You need to make a tough love decision, because from this perspective, you inherited Mom's 36 year old baby boy who may never choose to grow up unless he's forced to do so.

I  apologize my brother has had an indutrial injury to his dominant shoulder and arm.  It is rather murky because the surgery fixed the problem but the resulting nerve pain is rather ambiguious.  He is currently involved in a lawsuit for this but that has been going on for nearly three years without much result.  I am a private duty nurse and did exactly what you did( worked 40 hours a week and attended school and took care of my ill mother).  He has no idea what he would do if something happened to me.  He would be homeless, without funds, wheels ect. 

  

As for living expenses I pay everything, rent, utilities, food, auto insurance, cell phone, storage for his stuff.  You name it and I am probably paying for it.  My basic budget is 2,000.00 monthly without food.  That is just barely covering it.  I do have a student loan that I am paying for.  I also have 4 pets to provide for that I will not give up.  But their expense is minor in the scheme of things. 

  

Because his injury is so nebulous he isn't eligable for any disability assistance.  The best that I can do is get him through school so that he can support himself again.  That was a fairly hard sell 

I really find it interesting that prior to this injusry he was a good worker and had pride in his job.  Now each day is a struggle.  I understand what long-term injuries are like I have a spinal injury that has plagued me for 18 years.  I hurt nearly everyday but get up and keep going, nobody owes me a living I have to be willing to go get it.  Why doesn't he see it this way?  My mother did. 

 
November 7, 2005, 8:55 pm CST

Mental Issues

Quote From: juncus

James -- she said that her daughter had mental issues, not a mental illness -- there is a big difference.  A lot of people have "issues" but aren't necessarily ill.  Her concerns sound pretty valid to me. 

It's true, she indicated that her daughter has mental issues and did not indicate she has a mental illness but what else would you call it. She quit school because of these mental issues, has been seeing a doctor for four years, has been on prescribed medication and has experimented with other forms of non-legal medication. From my experience, I would guess that she has a mental illness and yes, her father is enabling her and not helping. 

  

For the mother to leave the home and desert her husband is not a good thing. If the daughter is ill, which I assume given what was mentioned, she needs the support of both parents. If no real illness exists, then she needs to get out on her own. 

  

James   

 
November 7, 2005, 9:12 pm CST

You Have Got to be Kidding

Quote From: jen0203

  

  

  

 I have to say I disagree with James on this I dont think just because your daughter has a mental illness that gives her the right to take over your house. Having a mental illness is not an excuse to drop out of college and decide that she isnt going to do anything but have your husband wait on her. I would tell her to get a job and get out!!
 

  

  

Having a mental illness is not an excuse to drop out of college? Are you kidding me? Mental illnesses can be very disabilitating even when a person doesn't look like they have anything wrong with them. Howard Hughes, the aviation pioneer of the 1940's, in his last years of life didn't even leave his room because he suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Yet, you would of kicked Howard out on his ass and said get a job. I don't think that would of been very helpful given his disorder.  

  

I still find it strange that the mother left the household two years ago and no one seems to think that this behavior is odd?  

  

James 

  

     

 
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