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Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Number of Replies: 358
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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times.  Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents.  -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks.  Share your thoughts.

 

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November 8, 2005, 6:44 am CST

from experience

Alright, I think it is time for somebody who has been there to speak up. I have a mental illness, and made it through a two year college program. (the third year option was too much for me at the time). I moved home with my parents a year and a half ago. It helped me figure things out and get back on my feet, but I still worked. I found something I liked doing, and did it, even though it didn't make much. I paid my bills, and bought groceries, helped pay the bills... all that good stuff. The whole time paying off loans, bought a car, and saved some. Now I'm ready to move out. Sometimes, people (especially grads) need to come home to get ready to move back out, but there is NO REASON  why they (we) can't help pay for stuff. If they won't help pay for groceries, don't cook them dinner, (or even allow them to cook their own). If they won't help pay for cable, don't let them watch TV. You have to be tough. I know, cause if I can support myself, anybody can.
 
November 8, 2005, 7:42 am CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: mogawaii

I am a 38 year old who has a 36 year old brother that is the mooch.  Our mother passed away 22 months ago, before she died she asked me to look out for him.  "he is not as strong as you are" she said.  Well he has been living in my house for 14 months now, not working, he is attending technical college but has a year to go before he is finished.  He was injured on the job January  2001, and has not worked since.  Before mom died she gave him her entire social security check to pay his bills while she lived with me and I paid for everything.  I would not take her money because I wanted her to be able to spend it on herself, she only got $550.00.  I also helped him with bills so that he could stay in his apartment.  After mom died I just couldn't keep up the extra $1100.00 each month. 

  

I am now working 80-104 hours a week to stay even with the bills because of my brother.  I no longer have savings because I have spent it all on him.  If he doesn't stay with me he is homeless.  As his only living relative I can't just give him the boot but I also can't keep up the schedule I currently have.  Any suggestions? 

  

  

Honey, you are going to have to throw him out and make him learn to support himself. You can't be his Mom and he can't go on being your kid. It's hard, but you have to do what you have to do
 
November 8, 2005, 2:56 pm CST

You gave up?

Quote From: deslocum

I have a 24 year old daughter that lives with her dad and her dad completely supports her, cleans up after her and, even after a long day at work, cooks supper for her and sometimes even for her boyfriend (27 former Marine).  She is a pig and leaves her clothes all over the house.  She dropped out of college after 2 years with some mental issues and has been going to a doctor for over 4 years now.  She has been on all kinds of drugs, legal and not so legal.  Her dad keeps saying she will get better soon.  I moved out of the house 2 years ago because I can't stand how she  lives.  I would love to move back in with my husband and get her out and on her own.  But he doesn't want to confront her because he is afraid it will make her mad.  Also, we have a 21 year old that is not too much better.  At least she goes to school still but will not get a job to help with expenses.  I know it is our fault as parents for not expecting more and now we do not know what to do.  The story on Dr. Phil's show sounds just like our story to some degree.  We need help!!

We all want, wish and strive for our kids to be healthy and have a good and solid future. 

  

You say that your daughter dropped out of College, and at about the same time, you who "can't stand how she lives", dropped out of her life and moved out, what are great example you are. 

  

Your husband completely supports his daughter as he is the only one there for her, he might not be going about things the right way but he is doing the best he can and perhaps the only way he knows how, he does not wish do give up on them. Could you not have gone to your daughters doctor to see what is wrong with her and together with your husband get advice on how to manage and overcome these 'issues'?   You could have and still can ask for guidance and help from a family counseling organisation, so that BOTH you and your husband  are aware of how to go about in steering your family in the right direction. 

  

I greatly admire your husband for sticking in there,  hopefully you will not just observe what is going on with your family from the 'sidelines' . 

  

How many single mothers struggle, with little or no support to raise their kids, how many people have kids that are handicapped/disabled who also go through many obstacles to provide a secure and safe environment,  imagine if they all threw in the towel and gave up on their kids the way you did........................ 

  

I am not trying to be harsh, but a mothers love and support is hard to replace, a mother never gives up on her children.  Wake up and get involved!! 

  

  

  

  

 
November 8, 2005, 4:48 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: mogawaii

I  apologize my brother has had an indutrial injury to his dominant shoulder and arm.  It is rather murky because the surgery fixed the problem but the resulting nerve pain is rather ambiguious.  He is currently involved in a lawsuit for this but that has been going on for nearly three years without much result.  I am a private duty nurse and did exactly what you did( worked 40 hours a week and attended school and took care of my ill mother).  He has no idea what he would do if something happened to me.  He would be homeless, without funds, wheels ect. 

  

As for living expenses I pay everything, rent, utilities, food, auto insurance, cell phone, storage for his stuff.  You name it and I am probably paying for it.  My basic budget is 2,000.00 monthly without food.  That is just barely covering it.  I do have a student loan that I am paying for.  I also have 4 pets to provide for that I will not give up.  But their expense is minor in the scheme of things. 

  

Because his injury is so nebulous he isn't eligable for any disability assistance.  The best that I can do is get him through school so that he can support himself again.  That was a fairly hard sell 

I really find it interesting that prior to this injusry he was a good worker and had pride in his job.  Now each day is a struggle.  I understand what long-term injuries are like I have a spinal injury that has plagued me for 18 years.  I hurt nearly everyday but get up and keep going, nobody owes me a living I have to be willing to go get it.  Why doesn't he see it this way?  My mother did. 

Why doesn't he see it this way?   

  

Because he has an enabler who feels responsible for him. 

 
November 8, 2005, 4:56 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: deslocum

I have a 24 year old daughter that lives with her dad and her dad completely supports her, cleans up after her and, even after a long day at work, cooks supper for her and sometimes even for her boyfriend (27 former Marine).  She is a pig and leaves her clothes all over the house.  She dropped out of college after 2 years with some mental issues and has been going to a doctor for over 4 years now.  She has been on all kinds of drugs, legal and not so legal.  Her dad keeps saying she will get better soon.  I moved out of the house 2 years ago because I can't stand how she  lives.  I would love to move back in with my husband and get her out and on her own.  But he doesn't want to confront her because he is afraid it will make her mad.  Also, we have a 21 year old that is not too much better.  At least she goes to school still but will not get a job to help with expenses.  I know it is our fault as parents for not expecting more and now we do not know what to do.  The story on Dr. Phil's show sounds just like our story to some degree.  We need help!!
As long as there is an enabler around to supply the necessities for your children, they will continue to BE children. Your husband's choice of letting you leave and continuing to be the enabler is sad.  He doesn't see that his "care" is creating a disability. If you could get your husband to see a good counselor, I would recommend it.  He has some mental issues that need exploring.
 
November 8, 2005, 5:03 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: nikki_pvn

We all want, wish and strive for our kids to be healthy and have a good and solid future. 

  

You say that your daughter dropped out of College, and at about the same time, you who "can't stand how she lives", dropped out of her life and moved out, what are great example you are. 

  

Your husband completely supports his daughter as he is the only one there for her, he might not be going about things the right way but he is doing the best he can and perhaps the only way he knows how, he does not wish do give up on them. Could you not have gone to your daughters doctor to see what is wrong with her and together with your husband get advice on how to manage and overcome these 'issues'?   You could have and still can ask for guidance and help from a family counseling organisation, so that BOTH you and your husband  are aware of how to go about in steering your family in the right direction. 

  

I greatly admire your husband for sticking in there,  hopefully you will not just observe what is going on with your family from the 'sidelines' . 

  

How many single mothers struggle, with little or no support to raise their kids, how many people have kids that are handicapped/disabled who also go through many obstacles to provide a secure and safe environment,  imagine if they all threw in the towel and gave up on their kids the way you did........................ 

  

I am not trying to be harsh, but a mothers love and support is hard to replace, a mother never gives up on her children.  Wake up and get involved!! 

  

  

  

  

I completely disagree with you.  This husband is enabling a 24 year old drop out to live without any responsibilities (not even putting away her clothes). That is not responsible parenting-not under any circumstances.  I wouldn't do that even if my child was in a wheelchair. 

  

I agree that it would be better if she and her husband together made resonable parenting decisions but that only works both parents are willing to make reasonable decisions. Sadly, it sounds like the husband just isn't . 

 
November 8, 2005, 5:06 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: thelotus

Alright, I think it is time for somebody who has been there to speak up. I have a mental illness, and made it through a two year college program. (the third year option was too much for me at the time). I moved home with my parents a year and a half ago. It helped me figure things out and get back on my feet, but I still worked. I found something I liked doing, and did it, even though it didn't make much. I paid my bills, and bought groceries, helped pay the bills... all that good stuff. The whole time paying off loans, bought a car, and saved some. Now I'm ready to move out. Sometimes, people (especially grads) need to come home to get ready to move back out, but there is NO REASON  why they (we) can't help pay for stuff. If they won't help pay for groceries, don't cook them dinner, (or even allow them to cook their own). If they won't help pay for cable, don't let them watch TV. You have to be tough. I know, cause if I can support myself, anybody can.

Congrats on succeeding, in spite of an illness.  I have some crappy illnesses too and I have never allowed them to affect my Independence.  

  

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger :) 

 
November 8, 2005, 8:48 pm CST

Giving up? Is it not better to single and healthy than sick together?

Quote From: nikki_pvn

We all want, wish and strive for our kids to be healthy and have a good and solid future. 

  

You say that your daughter dropped out of College, and at about the same time, you who "can't stand how she lives", dropped out of her life and moved out, what are great example you are. 

  

Your husband completely supports his daughter as he is the only one there for her, he might not be going about things the right way but he is doing the best he can and perhaps the only way he knows how, he does not wish do give up on them. Could you not have gone to your daughters doctor to see what is wrong with her and together with your husband get advice on how to manage and overcome these 'issues'?   You could have and still can ask for guidance and help from a family counseling organisation, so that BOTH you and your husband  are aware of how to go about in steering your family in the right direction. 

  

I greatly admire your husband for sticking in there,  hopefully you will not just observe what is going on with your family from the 'sidelines' . 

  

How many single mothers struggle, with little or no support to raise their kids, how many people have kids that are handicapped/disabled who also go through many obstacles to provide a secure and safe environment,  imagine if they all threw in the towel and gave up on their kids the way you did........................ 

  

I am not trying to be harsh, but a mothers love and support is hard to replace, a mother never gives up on her children.  Wake up and get involved!! 

  

  

  

  

Giving up? Yes, she is a mother who has the courage to challenge old behaviours that are clearly not working and not settling for less than a medicore life for herself and daughter! She is doing what is right for her. My hat goes of to her! She has the courage to put herself first and allow her daughter to take responsibility of her own life.  

  

Let's get something clear; she is an adult with mental issues. The daughter is an adult with "mental issues" not a mental disability or illness.  My advice is to confront your daughter ( get  whatever support you need for yourself- find a group of supportive women, a therapy group for yourself etc ), give her a date to move out and move back into your home!  

  

As for the husband he is choosing to be a crutch and supporting the daughter to be co-dependent and not interdependent. I think you have love and being a doormat / martyar confused. Wake up and get involved is your advice. I disagree. The ball is not in her court but she has the choice to take her own power back!.  

 
November 9, 2005, 6:42 am CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: thelotus

Alright, I think it is time for somebody who has been there to speak up. I have a mental illness, and made it through a two year college program. (the third year option was too much for me at the time). I moved home with my parents a year and a half ago. It helped me figure things out and get back on my feet, but I still worked. I found something I liked doing, and did it, even though it didn't make much. I paid my bills, and bought groceries, helped pay the bills... all that good stuff. The whole time paying off loans, bought a car, and saved some. Now I'm ready to move out. Sometimes, people (especially grads) need to come home to get ready to move back out, but there is NO REASON  why they (we) can't help pay for stuff. If they won't help pay for groceries, don't cook them dinner, (or even allow them to cook their own). If they won't help pay for cable, don't let them watch TV. You have to be tough. I know, cause if I can support myself, anybody can.

Good for you, but without knowing more about the daughter I don't see how anyone can judge whether or not she should have been able to stay in school, is employable, etc.  While I agree that she doesn't seem to be pulling her own weight and that her dad doesn't sound like he's holding her accountable for anything, nobody here tell from that post how functional or not the girl is at the bottom of it all.  "Mental issues" is a very vague description, and I'm sure you know yourself that psychological problems come in a full range of types and severities. 

  

I'm learning disabled (and what I guess could be called "socially disabled"--I have problems interacting with people, which can make if extremely difficult to deal with professors, school counselors, etc.).  I went to a good four-year college and graduated, which was something my parents feared I would never be able to do.  I would not have been able to do it without their support.  Honestly, if they had been as big on "tough love" as some of my friends' parents, I would not have finished high school and , frankly, I probably would have committed suicide a long time ago.  I've learned to compensate for my disabilities as I've gotten older, which is a mixed blessing in that I am more functional, but it also makes it even more obvious to me how different I am, which is painful. 

  

I'm a little offended by what seems to me like generalization of the natures of adult children living at home.  We're not all spoiled, whining, sponges.  I came back home after college initially because I was having a hard time finding a job that I could live on, and my mother was ill and my father needed someone who could help with the housework that she couldn't do.  I've been out of college for five years and still live at home, but I have worked full-time the whole time, paid rent, do housework, run errands, paid for my own personal expenses, etc., etc.  I finally have a job that pays me decently and that gives me enough benefits that a couple of sick days won't put me behind, but I'm getting ready to go back to school and, once again, will not really have the money to move out.  My parents don't mind having me around but they do want me to be self-sufficient (which is why they are letting me stay if I go back to school).  They don't pay my expenses. 

  

I hate the term "Boomerang Generation", especially at a time when everyone is complaining about how much harder it is to earn a living.  I was paying $200 out-of-pocket a month for health insurance--I was 27, not overweight, never smoked, essentially never drank, never did drugs, did not sleep around, had no preexisting health conditions, etc..  It was ridiculous.  I got a sinus infection the week before a job interview and had to go to the doctor.  I didn't even get a real exam--the consultation and five antibiotic pills cost me almost $90 WITH INSURANCE.  I had to take an unpaid day off work to go. 

  

As far as I can tell, Jay still does quite a bit of work for his dad, and I'm sure that being Dr. Phil's son hasn't hurt his situation in life at all.  If Dr. Phil is really going to talk about the Boomerang Generation, how about some discussion of costs of living and diminished employment compensation instead of just pointing out how spoiled and worthless we all are?  I hate to see the "kids" on this show held up as examples of my generation and my situation.   

 
November 9, 2005, 7:12 am CST

In the proccess of moving out

 I've just turned 31 at the end of Last Month.  I've been living with my Folks up until now.  They're good people, but I'm not charged enough Rent, though I do pay some.  I feel that it's time for me to spread my Wings.  I have Aspergers and Depression, but that's no excuse for me not to have a subsidized Appartment of my own.
 
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