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Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times.  Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents.  -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks.  Share your thoughts.

 

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November 10, 2005, 2:29 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: cacky46

Our 25 yr old son moved back home in March, after living away from home for three years. After he graduated from high school, he attended four colleges in two states in five years, and didn't manage to graduate from college. To make a long story short, after paying for his college for all those years, we gave him enough money in January 2005 for him to complete his degree.  He had been working for the past 9 months, and was trying to establish residency out of state, and was going to finiish the following fall semester.  We told him we were not going to pay for anymore college (five years more than enough).  Rather than save the money, he spent it.  So, in March, he broke up with his girlfriend called us and asked if he could come home.  Of course, we said yes, he quit his job and moved back home.  We had just built and moved into a new home. thinking that our two children were now out of the house (we have a 20 yr old daughter who is in college).  

  

 Our son is very intelligent and has ADHD. He doesn't understand why we won't pay for any more college education.  He states that he is not going to pay for it himself.  We live in a small town and good jobs with benefits are scarce.  He got a job at a dept store, but soon quit it and got into construction.  He gets paid cash and on an irregular basis.  He spends his money as quick as he gets it and saves none.  I asked him to bring me the money he received and let me budget for him.  He has agreed to do so, but he says he spends $30 per day on food.  So far, we have not asked him to pay toward expenses, but he has been contributing for food and he does tithe 10% to the church.  He likes living beyond his means, and we know we are guilty of enabling him.  

  

Of course, he wants to stay home, he works all day, comes home, goes to his room and either watches TV or plays X-box.  I am helping hiim save some money out of his pay.  We have discussed loaning him money to buy a reasonably priced house with interest and his response is that he didn't think that family should charge interest.  I think he expects us to buy him a place to live. I have asked him what his plans are and he want s to stay at home and be a family.  I think that is just an excuse, because he goes out with his buddies and we hardly see him.  He doesn't help around the house unless I ask him.  When I ask him to clean his bathroom and his room, he cleans it , but not the way I would clean.  After watching the show Wednesday,  we are thinking about talking to him about finding a place for him to live, and pay for the rent for three months. 

  

Any suggestions aabout how to transition our son out of the house would be greatly appreciated.     

  

Holy cats! "He likes living beyond his means."  Well, DUH, Sherlock.   "Transition" your son out of the house?  If you wanted him gone, he'd be gone by now.  Pack his things, put them on the porch of your "newly built house", and change the locks.  That's how you "transition"  -- or "kick" -- him out of the house.
 
November 10, 2005, 2:41 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: peepinbud

 Vet school is difficult. It is the same as med school. I have a SIL who tried to work during med school and had to drop out three times. It doesnt work. If this person has dedicated this many years to this education and resources, then they should not throw it all away to work at a fast food restaurant. I know people who have HIDDEN their degrees to get fast food work or work down at the local factory. You are put in that position.

I worked all the grunt jobs, cleaning toilets, fast food, and they didnt do one thing but make me POORER and dig my hole deeper into ruined health. I worked from the time I was 10 [newspaper route......but all I learned was a future of low paying grunt work. And I did some of these jobs after a teaching lay-off. If I had been given a little bit of time, and been able to collect my resources, and gotten help from relatives perhaps things would have been different. People can lose their health from poverty.

I dont agree that ANY job is worth it. Somehow a person with a veterinarian degree going to go sling hamburgers 40 hours a week for the next 5 years isnt the answer.

I do think they should consider moving, even if overseas if needbe. But then if theres no money thats difficult also.




Peepinbud, he was only in vet school for 4 years.  The other 4 were undergrad.  What prevented him from working during that time? And what did he do during the summers? 

  

He's claiming it's OK to continue to let his parents support him because "he doesn't have $10 bucks in the bank."  Nobody's asking him to make a career out of fast food -- just to get off his duff and get some money coming in so he can contribute to his parents' expenses in supporting him. I punched a switchboard with a law degree moldering at home a lot longer than I wanted to, but I did it because "I didn't have $10 bucks in the bank" and it was my responsibility as an ADULT to remedy that problem, not my parents'. 

  

And if you would trouble yourself to read what I wrote, I did tell him to find a job first in a new area, THEN move. I know it can be done because I did it. Of course it's expensive to move.  But if his parents are willing to provide for his every need without a dime in reimbursement now, when he's not even trying to work, I'm sure they'd help out a little with moving expenses to get him to where his job is.  By the way, I paid my own moving expenses.  

  

I agree with the previous post-er that adults living with their parents who are paying board/rent, cleaning,  and generally not being slackers are not moochers if they have a goal and are taking concrete steps to carry out their plans to reach that goal.  It's the ones being totally supported by their parents and still whining "Poor, poor pitiful me" need to be gently but firmly removed into the real world. 

 
November 10, 2005, 2:47 pm CST

Where is the compassion?

 As Im noticing on this board, most are angry at those who sink instead of swim.

I have a friends from overseas whose friend said this...

"Its nice that Americans pride themselves so much on being self-reliant but too bad compassion has been thrown out the window along with it"

Young adults can get sick...PHYSICALLY and there is mental illness too. When young adults in some cases  are not even given resources to take care of themselves and have to do things like work 80 hour weeks at demanding part-time jobs pieced together with no health insurance, thats a problem.  Some of the tougher people can make it, but get sick, God have mercy on you!

There is a selfishness prevelant in American culture. Its part of the problem why young adults grow up unable to take care of themselves. They are left unprepared and cast out into a world where they ARE BLAMED for not measuring up right away.  Its almost like if you dont get that plum job right out of college, even ones own parents turn on you like vicicious dogs adding to the cacophony of the world outside. "LOSER"! "GET A JOB"! "WHY DO YOU MAKE SO LITTLE MONEY?"

I am of the belief that those who come into the most success, while hard work is a big part of the equation, have help getting there.  When they stumble and fall, they dont have a family that kicks them in the teeth while they are down. They have people who help them up [not enabling] but real help, and answers and EMOTIONAL support.

I have to admit for me, the MONEY in some ways is the last thing some of these young people need, they need families who care about their well-being.. Emotional support instead of looks of disgust because they didnt come out of college making $50,000 a year {I had a family so well-off, they considered my first teaching job of 14 bucks an hour in 1990, a LOSER job}

I believe college costs are a big part of this too. Some of the parents who help with the college degree, resent the money spent. They think college degree means instant wealth. It doesnt. Its a racket and now instead of helping young people start off with some type of foundation, we got them starting off with loans so huge hanging over their heads, it isnt funny. The whole thing is a racket!

Isnt it natural that YOUNG PEOPLE will stumble and fall? They are young.  If older people are fighting over the jobs in the working class range, with far more experience, should we be surprised we got so many young people finanically struggling. What are we offering them? Stigma, hatred, asking the impossible--to somehow turn $5.15 an hour into a sustainable wage?

Is it all THEIR FAULT?

Sure with some of them there is responsiblity...giving up as some of them seem to have done is not the answer...

But then you ask yourself for some of the moochers, where did they learn to be selfish to begin with?

In a society that says every person for yourself, sink or swim...[where families no longer pull together to help one another out]

Where else did they learn it?






 
November 10, 2005, 2:51 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: runner75

Peepinbud, he was only in vet school for 4 years.  The other 4 were undergrad.  What prevented him from working during that time? And what did he do during the summers? 

  

He's claiming it's OK to continue to let his parents support him because "he doesn't have $10 bucks in the bank."  Nobody's asking him to make a career out of fast food -- just to get off his duff and get some money coming in so he can contribute to his parents' expenses in supporting him. I punched a switchboard with a law degree moldering at home a lot longer than I wanted to, but I did it because "I didn't have $10 bucks in the bank" and it was my responsibility as an ADULT to remedy that problem, not my parents'. 

  

And if you would trouble yourself to read what I wrote, I did tell him to find a job first in a new area, THEN move. I know it can be done because I did it. Of course it's expensive to move.  But if his parents are willing to provide for his every need without a dime in reimbursement now, when he's not even trying to work, I'm sure they'd help out a little with moving expenses to get him to where his job is.  By the way, I paid my own moving expenses.  

  

I agree with the previous post-er that adults living with their parents who are paying board/rent, cleaning,  and generally not being slackers are not moochers if they have a goal and are taking concrete steps to carry out their plans to reach that goal.  It's the ones being totally supported by their parents and still whining "Poor, poor pitiful me" need to be gently but firmly removed into the real world. 

He says he has been out since June.

I think he should go try and get a vet assistant job whereever he can find one in the country.

We agree there.

However, I know that in some areas, even finding that switchboard job or vet assist job is pretty difficult.

Maybe he can share more details with us.

I just dont think someone who has put forth that much effort, vet school is actually harder then med school, is going to be a slacker, you have to be somewhat determined to even make it through that program. I know people personally who have flunked out of vet school.

I guess Im shocked in a way too, that isnt a career field that isnt wide open right now...


 
November 10, 2005, 3:54 pm CST

Moochers

Quote From: address

 James, consider how totally judgmental you are being here! The implication in the woman's message is that there isn't really a great deal of "mental illness" going on here except with the girl's father and his absolute inability to deal with the daughter! I can assure you it could not be an easy thing for a mother to leave-the-home under circumstances such as these. You're basically telling her she's a rotten, selfish mother and I think you are reacting too harshly.
James, I agree with you that wasn't the best thing for me to do but leaving the house because of my 24 year old but that was not the only reason.  I just think that you have to help yourself to get better.  I have know several people that were in depression and were on medication.  They, also, decided with the help of their doctor to help themselves.  My daughter does not do that.  She does have a job now but still doesn't seem to be helping herself much.  I do have problems with issues that I try to address.  I would like to see my daughter off of the meds somewhat because I think that is some of her problem.  I think she is being over medicated.  I was at a lost to help her because we did not discuss her problems because she would get upset and leave the house for several days in a row.  I think unless you walk in my shoes, you shouldn't be judgemental.
 
November 10, 2005, 5:56 pm CST

one more try

Quote From: twnty1inwi

 I don't think my parents are the boomer generation only being 39 and 41.. maybe I'm wrong? Not sure how far back that generation goes.  But the 2K house payment was a top payment figure.. the average new house in this area goes for about 250K,. a little more if on the river banks..I dont really think about getting disabled too much, I suppose it should be something I figure into my life ahead of me.  I do have some of the best insurance around, but I know even that runs out after a while..  As I said before, I have friends that are on thier own, with brand new cars, not having any extra money for saving or spending.  I am grateful that my parents have allowed me to stay at home until I get my vehicles paid off, again by spring, and then be able to move out... but I wouldn't call myself a "moocher"

"nobody in my family has ever had a used car, so I'm not about to be the first one"...."I'm not going to start off with a cheap, old house that Im going to have to fix up"  - ha ha ha you so crack me up!  THAT ATTITUDE IS ENTITLEMENT!!! 

  

God forbid you should drive a car that's NOT NEW, or buy a house that is in the moderate price range (not a fixer-upper but not at the top of the line either).  Ask your parents how they started out.  How they lived and where they lived. 

  

Most people start out in an apartment and/or sharing a place with someone.  YES, that makes saving for a down payment on a house more difficult, but THAT's HOW IT WORKS.  You're being enabled and spoiled and that will hurt you later on. You truly have no clue about life.  

  

That also shows in your comment  "I do buy my own food, and dishes get done whenever the dish washer is full" - ha ha here's a big fat medal for ya!!  You are in for one heckuva rude awakening when you have to pay for and maintain everything yourself!  You are a working moocher, but you're still a moocher! 

 
November 10, 2005, 7:27 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: wayners27

I am a step parent to a 25 yr old, who has juveinile diabetes he has been in trouble with the law and has event spent 18 months in prison and has a mental Illness. he has lived with us(his mom) for the last yr. in that time he has time to see many girl friends and had a job for about a month until he had to much fun one night and could not function to go to work, ans since he had been undependable they laid him off and since has not attempted to get another job, and mooches off us, I speak to my wife that he needs to move out but she does not do anything, He does have a mean and angry side that we are both afraid of.  he has allot of time to spend with friends that will drive him around but not work for pay bills, clean house and he is a slob.  what is a step dad to do?? 

If your child has a mental illness did he not get prevocational services?  Or is the mental illness due to the diabetes?  Did he get voc. training in prison?does he qualify for disability payments from his m.i ? 

IS he taking his meds regularly and check sugar levels reg?  That can help maintain some mental stability otherwise you are on the roller coaster ride with him. If not, I would be on top of him with that! 

SOmetimes when others help those with similar diagnoses, consuling, it can help them realize their own obstacles and strengths.  Even if it is to volenteer at first, who knows what doorways it will open.    

 
November 10, 2005, 7:41 pm CST

11/09 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: kovucat8

 I watched part of the Dr. Phil show the other day (wanted to see the whole thing, but the station pre-emptied part of it for the bombing in the middle east), and I must say that I don't like being called a moocher just because I am an adult and living with my parents.  As peepinbud said today isn't the same as it was 20, even 10 years ago.  I will relate my story.  I graduated from highschool in 1997 and went straight to university.  Received all A's and graduated with honors in 2001.  I then went on to vet school, which I just graduated from this past June.  I have absolutely no money (8 years of school with not working can do that to you) so I had to move back into my parent's home (not that I wanted to).
It has been 7 months now and I still haven't found a job (due to being a new grad and having no experience as well as living in a very competitive area).  So I am right now 27 years old and having to rely on my parents for everything since I don't even have 10 bucks in my bank account.
If giving the choice right now, I would leave, but I can't until I get a job and start making some money.

And before anybody says just to get any job, it doesn't really work that way.  My education makes it impossible for me to get hired anywhere except for what I trained for.  Places don't want somebody that will continue to look for work, but rather somebody that will stick around for years.

So before you make judegments on some people, maybe you should look into the circumstances they have in their life.  Yes, some people have it easy and find a high paying job right away, but not everyone is that lucky, especially in this day and age, when there are more workers than ever.
Is it that you can't find a job, or you can't find a job in your salary range? Many, many places are hiring for the holidays and many of those hired get asked to stay on afterwards if their job performance is good. Any of the fast food places hire, many don't expect people to stay forever or make a career of it. There is some place for you to work if you wanted to. You could also have worked part time during school, many schools not only offer on campus jobs, but internships also! My two nieces put themselves all the way through alone! With high grades also. My parents always told us kids (there are 8 of us!) that once we left home we couldn't move back in..........sounds cold? Not at all, I will be forever grateful for their "rule". After 8 1/2 years in an abusive marriage (I didn't tell them the truth about the bruises etc), I divorced. I knew under the circumstances they would have welcomed me in their home until I was on my feet, but I never asked, and I know even now that had I moved home it would have been so much harder to leave again, I would have wanted to stay in the "safe place" and would have been frightened to me on my own again. But I stuck it out, and know now that whatever happens I CAN make it on my own if I have to, and I will always have a loving family around. Parents who enable their children are doing them a great injustice.....if something were to happen to them tomorrow would their children be self-sufficient? Those on the show and who have written in don't sound as though they could be, then the taxpayers are stuck supporting them? Have some pride and get out on your own, become a self-supporting adult! All 7 of my siblings and I and our parents have always been close, we can count on each other for anything, but it doesn't mean we have to depend on each other for our livelyhood.
 
November 10, 2005, 10:25 pm CST

My brother the Moocher

I've got you all beat!  My brother, his wife and two kids moved into my parents home way back in the late 80's.  His kids were just toddlers then.  My dad was dying of cancer and they "moved in" to help.  My dad has been dead for over 12 years and they are still living in my mom's house.  His kids are in high school now! 

  

My mom got so sick of it that four years ago she moved to another state and lives half the year with one sister and half the year with another.  Mom refinanced her home to have money to put down on a house that she co-bought with my sister and her family.  My brother makes her refinance payment late each month!  (approximately $400.00)  Of course, the loan is in my mom's name so he's ruining her credit too!  Sad thing is mom's home is worth over $400,000.00 and she could get over $1600.00 a month if she rented it. 

  

Mom lives on my dad's retirement and social security.  She still pays all the property taxes, home insurance, everything for the house that my brother, his wife and kids live in!  Meanwhile, they are both driving new cars and remodeling the house as if it was theirs.   The rest of us kids have all tried to get mom to sell her house so she doesn't have to live paycheck to paycheck, but she is concerned that my brother and his family wouldn't have anyplace to live.  He and his young family lived with us for over three months way back when, we gave them a month, but they overstepped their welcome. That's when they moved into my mom's house!  I feel so bad that my mom is allowing this to happen to her.  She should be enjoying the rest of her life instead of worrying about how she is going to pay her bills every month!  If she sold her house she wouldn't have any money problems to worry about!  All hell is going to break loose when mom joins my dad!       

 
November 11, 2005, 4:56 am CST

Follow Dr. Phil's lead...

Quote From: stepmom234

My 31 year old stepson has lived with my husband, my seven year old, and me in a small house for the last six months.   I was very reluctant to let him move in because when he lived with us years ago he stole from us and when we co-signed on a car for him he lied and said he was making the payments but he didn't, forcing us to make the payments or have our credit ruined.    Now he is back with us, has bad credit and can't get a car loan and I am afraid he will have trouble getting an apartment with the bad credit.   I feel that he is a bad influence on my seven year old and I had to start taking medication to keep from having a stroke because of the stress.    It is hard having someone you don't trust living in the same house when you have a young child.   Because the house is small and the stepson can hear everything and rarely leaves the house, I have not had a private conversation with my husband in six months.  

  

My stepson is an extremely smart, computer geek type of guy and was able to find a very good job at a computer company  without a college degree.  His life is the computer.  We mentioned a few things about him to my son's developmental pediatrician and she thinks my stepson might have Aspergers.  I have read some things about Aspergers but some of it fits and some doesn't.  My son, although also extremely smart, does not have Aspergers but had a few of the characteristics.  I am afraid that the seven year old who is very interested in what his brother does will follow in his older brother's footsteps if I don't get his brother out of the house.       

  

But how do I get him out of the house if he has bad credit and can't get an apartment or a car?  He makes very good money, but spends it on computer stuff  instead of saving every penny for a car.    

Well, do what he did.  Get an apartment for your son and pay for just one month.  No more.  Then move him into it and let him make payments.  (Make him sign a contract that he will be doing this!  Believe me, you may need this in writing later.) 

  

Then refuse to take him back. 

 
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