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Topic : 08/04 Biggest Parenting Problems

Number of Replies: 100
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Created on : Friday, November 18, 2005, 03:49:00 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 11/25/05) Parents, listen up! Dr. Phil tackles parenting problems before they become big challenges. Victoria Gotti has let America see firsthand her challenges raising three boys on her hit reality show, Growing Up Gotti. Can Dr. Phil help her learn not to be such a pushover? Next, Michael Rapaport, star of the The War at Home, gives Dr. Phil a behind-the-scenes look at the controversial sitcom and asks him for help with his personal parenting dilemmas. Plus, the spanking debate continues with a couple at war over the issue. And, Dr. Phil offers advice to parents of a 5-year-old who is so friendly with everyone, she has even gotten into a stranger's car. Talk about the show here.


Find out what happened on the show.

 

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November 19, 2005, 9:21 am CST

Spanking is not discipline or punishment

The only thing spanking or any negative physical contact does is get the kids attention.  This will lose its effectiveness if used too often and probably not necessary for most kids. 

  

 

 

  

 

Discipline always leaves kids empowered to do better next time otherwise it is just parents blowing off steam.  A parent has to approach the situation in a calm and composed manor or discipline does not happen.  Many parents forget the discipline all together as soon as they have the kid’s attention and have blown off steam they move on.  This is why so many kids are out of control these days.  There are lots of completely undisciplined kids that get hit and yelled at on a daily or weekly basis.

  

 

  

 

Do I ever hit or yell at my kids?  Yes. 

  

 

Do I do it weekly?  No

  

 

Do I do it monthly?  No

  

 

Do I do it yearly?  Probably but, hoping to do better.

  

 

  

 

It would be nice to go a whole year and approach every problem calm and composed and objectively.  This is my goal.  I have not reached it yet but I do better every year.  As my kids get older they give me a bit more personal space and it is just easier.  I can do it at work but at home it is much harder.  Probably because my relationships at work are not as intense.  I cannot just leave the house when I’m angry (single parent kids too young).  I do go on timeouts at least weekly.  It works better for me to go on timeout then my kids.  Of course it would help a get deal if my kids would not ignore me when I’m calm and composed.  I just have to get better at following through while in a calm composed state but then again when they know I'm angry they stop and stand at attention.  I guess I have to figure out how to make my kids understand I'm at the limit while in a calm composed state. 

 

I guess that is a question for the good DR.  How do you get your kids attention and have them understand they have pushed the limits while you are calm and composed? 

  

 

  

 
November 19, 2005, 8:26 pm CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

Discipline is about teaching right from wrong and learning to make choices that will leave postive outcomes instead of negative and it is up to the parents to figure out how to do this and by knowing and understanding their children and their personalities and keeping comunication doors open for them. Children need love, respect and guidance in learning to become good, productive adults and as parents we are the primary care givers of our children in which their futres mainly depend on us and how they are being raised int he home so therefore their home lives and attitudes of parents are going to play the biggest role in the child's life. If children are not learning through the discipline being used then something is wrong and the parents need to stop and evaluate what they are doing and step up to the plate and be willing to change some things. There are many techniques of discipline but since all children are different, what works for one may not work for another. Discipline as well as all teachings must be consistent right along with good communication between child and parent otherwise, the parent will lose. We are not perfect as parents but if we love and respect our children and have their best interest in mind then the child will reap good things from our parenting.
 
November 20, 2005, 8:33 pm CST

Biggest Challenge.......

I have found the biggest challenge to be in defining discipline. My daughter is tender hearted, and sensitive. If she intentionally does something wrong, a stare is all it takes to get her to stop. My son is totally able to ignore me until I say "Do you want to stand in the corner?" That ends it. He is social, and the thought of standing in the corner by himself for 2 minutes is enough to end whatever he is doing. (He has, of course, had to do this several times. He stands in the corner and I put on the timer for 2 minutes and I leave the room to stay in the next room.) 

  

When kids are inquisitive, the lines are hard to see- is she spilling juice or learning to pour into another cup? Is she messing up her clothes with mud or is she looking for worms? Is he hugging the kittens or is he squeezing them? When in doubt, side with the kid. As long as no one is hurt, there is no problem- the rest is just stuff. When I found out I was pregnant, I sold all of my crystal, antiques and china. Now I have dollar store plates, plastic cups and Walmart because its a lot easier to pick up cups from the dollar store that have hit the floor than Waterford  goblets. 

 
November 21, 2005, 9:16 am CST

teenage girls

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

 
November 21, 2005, 11:51 am CST

14 is very young to be dating

Quote From: pel_reg

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

14 seems very young to be dating even if it includes parental chaperone.  Your concerns are valid.  Kids this age have raging hormones awaking sex drive and tend to get overly obsessed with each other if given too much time alone.  I think requiring both group dating and parental chaperone does help along with planned activities.  There should be activities which she is both able to include her boyfriend and ones that are family only and others that are for her girl friends.  Keep her busy with things that don’t include boyfriends such as: Dance classes. Girl Scouts, 4H, Music Lessons, Church youth groups, Community Service groups, Baby Sitting, sports or volunteer work.   If all else fails get her a new puppy or a kitten(just kidding):).   

  

Now that you have let the genie out of the bottle you have a fight on your hands to pull it back without making it seem like a punishment. 

  

 

  

 

 

 

 
November 22, 2005, 5:09 am CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

Quote From: pel_reg

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

Let me tell you about my 16 yr old daughter.  I kept her pretty well reigned in UNTIL about a year ago.  She began to date a boy that turned into, you guessed it, an intimate relationship.  (I did take her to our Dr. and got her on the Pill).  That was over after about 9 months.  I thought "Oh, thank you!".  WRONG!!!  Just remember, it can always be worse! 

  

NOW, I am dealing with an 18 yr old, going nowhere in life, family has basically disowned, BOY!  He is very manipulative and I feel has basically brainwashed my daughter.  I told him to his face after about a month that he was NOT going to come between my daughter and I,  because it was very obvious that was where the road was leading.  Well, guess what?  HE WON!  This all blew up last week when his latest "job search" turned into he was joining the Armed Forces.   I didn't believe him (he tends to lie) and my daughter was DISTRAUGHT!  SOOOOOO, I called the recruiter he mentioned and was told that he had not heard from this "boy" in 5-6 months.  So here is my daughter crying, not sleeping, not eating and CERTAINLY NOT thinking about school (which I have told her repeatedly needs to be her first prioriity) and "the boy" HAS NOT EVEN TALKED TO THE RECRUITER!!!!  I asked the recruiter not  to tell "the boy" that I had called if/when he heard from him.  Well, you guessed it...he did!  Next thing I know, my daughter is screaming at me that it is none of my business, blah, blah, blah.  "I'm going to live with Dad" (my daughter and I moved out last year after ANOTHER infidelity issue with my husband).  That is a whole different board!  

  

I really don't know what to tell you.  My daughter and I have ALWAYS HAD A WONDERFUL, LOVING, OPEN RELATIONSHIP!  I am dealing with this by remembering what I thought about my Mom when I was 16.  It took until I was 18, out of the house, to realize that she wasn't STUPID!  Did I listen to her, NO.  Did I respect her, NO.  Thank God, I saw the light when I moved out and realized that she was not stupid!   OF COURSE YOUR DAUGHTER IS MISSING ON OUT CRITICAL LIFE EXPERIENCES!  Just as mine has.   

  

Can we FORCE them to be active in school?  NO. Can we FORBID them to see "the boy"?  Sure!  Think it will keep them from each other?  NOPE!  Will your daughter then start lying and conniving (sp?)?  Sure will.  OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS!  Noone gave me that "How to be the Perfect Parent" book.  Anyone out there have any advise? 

 
November 22, 2005, 3:09 pm CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

The biggest parenting problem is not teaching consquences for poor behavior or having kids   
 
November 22, 2005, 3:15 pm CST

11/25 Biggest Parenting Problems

The biggest parenting problem are the parents, there are so many  who have not sorted out there own inner devils, keeping the cycle of there parents going.   
 
November 23, 2005, 8:55 am CST

Making kids mind, to them it's a game

  

I just recently got married and I have a 12 years old son and my husband as a 12 years old son and to me they're different. My step son as an attitude problem towards his dad, his sister ( 16 yrs old ), me and my son. His dad won't punish him only do the simple thing and that is verbal. Talk to him but it hasn't done any good yet. He won't even crack down on him for anything. His son is in counseling plus on medicine. He has no feelings about how his dad feels, his sister feels, I feel or even my son. His son is in Martial Arts. My husband thinks that will teach him "self respect" then that way he'll respect others. To me, I think it'll just make his son get a little violent more. Thinking, "wow dad got me in Karate". He pushes a lot of buttons to for attention. He doesn't like my son or myself here. I moved out here moved back in my house letting my husband deal with his son for now. I won't move back until my husband gets his son to except his dad's "new marriage" here and having another child around.  

 
November 23, 2005, 12:15 pm CST

"DATING AT AGE 14 IS TO YOUNG"

Quote From: pel_reg

My daughter is a very thoughtful, sensitive & well-adjusted 14 yr old teen. Unlike her older brother, I have had few issues with her. Now though, I find myself wondering what to do. I have allowed her to date, but told her my misgivings about it. One of my greatest concerns was that, while she dated, she continue to see old friends, do regular activities etc., and of course school cannot suffer.  

  

She began dated a very nice young man (also 14 yrs old) at the end of September, and my concerns are being validated. My husband and I have restricted their time together to the weekends only but they are together all weekend, go to the same school, and even have the same English class; so see a lot of each other. However, we recognize how teen hormones are raging, so never give them the opportunity to be alone, though we also know that there is nothing they can't get around. Everything is about her boyfriend and we are "treating her like a five yr old!"  

  

She and I are very open with each other and I take every opportunity to put her current experiences into context for her and to ensure that she learns from every experience.  

  

Of course, now they in love and plan to be together forever. I'm left struggling with the questions; do I have her go on birth control; do we continue to restrict their time alone & the amount of time together; is she missing out on critical life experiences; ??????? 

  

I'd love to hear some different perspectives and opinions........ 

Your daughter is to young to be dating "WITH OR WITHOUT AN ADULT". Your daughter sounds like a very good kid. Your putting her in a adult position by leting her date.  Of course you are at 16 to, but shes older and more mature to. If it was me "I would not allow her to date, but I would prepare her and talk to her about datin and the birds & bees, explain the No Zones to her and tell her she can date when she turns 16". If you let her go on birth control its  like sayin "its ok" and it makes it easier for them to give into there temptations. They have no worries of gettin pregnant or getting caught. If you dont give her the birth control then they " worry of getting pregnant and of course thats a sure sign that they had sex and they get caught". I have 2 adult sons and one 4 yr. old granddaughter. I believe a kid should date at the age of 16. "But this is just my opinion". I wish you & your family the best of luck.
 
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