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December 7, 2005, 11:32 am PST
nothing wrong with you...
Quote From: kleesunI think these two shows are depressing. I tell myself I know better but is so much of this really wrapped up in appearance? I don't want to highlight my hair (it's clean, it's brushed, it's brown. Get over it), makeup is uncomfortable and does horrible things to my skin, and I don't want to be squirming in "sexy" but uncomfortable clothing on every damned date. I would forgive him if he were in an old T-shirt and five o'clock shadow--why pass up a good guy just because he wasn't spit-shined the first time out?--but apparently he can't forgive me. I've been single for years, though, so I guess they get the last laugh.
I'm a nice person, I'm neither a wimp nor a man-eater, I'm smart, I have a good sense of humor, I'm fairly well-educated but not a show-off, I don't freak out if plans fall through, I grant second chances as long as he's not a complete jerk, I don't try to monopolize him or run his life, I'm not high-maintenance (maybe I'm not high-maintenance enough?), I won't drag him to the mall or to chick flicks, I don't play mind games, etc. etc. so what is wrong with me? I actually get along just fine with men. I don't think I know anybody else who knows as many really, genuinely, nice guys as I do and yet inspires so little interest. I'm like everybody's sister.
My best friend tells me I'm too androgynous (in personality). I just don't have the "flirt gene" or whatever it is that lets women make themselves alluring to men. I've tried dressing up and being more "girlish" but I can't keep it up and I feel like a total fraud. I've learned that they're not going to think of me as a woman, anyway, so if I'm "one of the boys" at least I can be a friend.
Dr. Phil would tell me I have way too much baggage and am cold, but what do you expect? Boys told me I was ugly when I was a teenager and have ignored me ever since, so if being liked and respected by them as a person now (I'm in my late 20's) isn't good enough, I don't know what else to do. I never had the chance to learn how to do this. My mother tells me I look and I just need to go out more, but a) she's my mother, and b) doesn't it follow to reason that if nobody is ever attracted to me, I must not be attractive? I had a boyfriend for a very short time in college and that was it (I haven't seen The 40-Year-Old Virgin because I figure I'm well on my way to living it for myself, ha ha).
I don't need a boyfriend. I don't want somebody who will only introduce himself if I have blonde streaks and mascara. I'm talented, I have plenty of interests of my own, I have friends and extended family who love me, but, damn it, I'm lonely. I can't even tell any more if I'm allowed to be lonely or not--half the time I hear that I should be OK with myself at to Hell with boyfriends and half the time I hear that humans are social and need emotional connection, etc. etc. What's the story? I am so tired of being jealous of married friends--I've cut female friends off when they started families because I couldn't handle it and was afraid I couldn't be civil to them, and that just makes me sick.
Sorry about the huge, whiny post. I hate myself for being so insecure about something that shouldn't be so important to me. I'm not insecure about very many things but this is HUGE, stupid issue for me. I enjoyed reading your post. As a male, 55, I understand your dilemma. It isn't easy with men but then, we men tend to think women are too complicated. You really aren't. It's just that men don't take time to understand and want everything right away. Anyway, you're not insecure, it's more confused about things as far as men and women, relationships; the media tells us so many things, and they keep changing daily. First, don't worry about what the media projects, after all, it also says you have to stay forever young and so people rush out for plastic surgery.
Is your mother right about going out? Yes but how do you handle going out on your own every time and where do you go? Bars are out. I figured that men who hang out in bars are the typical Charlie Sheen character, interested in one nighters and nothing concrete or lasting. Stay away. You're in your late 20s, so are you in college? Meeting someone there should be easy. A classmate, you have common interests and it's a great ice breaker; talk about class assignments or why you took the class if it's an elective. Church, if you go there, is another good way. You already have the greatest hurdle faced: no difference in religion. That could be a major breaker.
As for looks, I am sure you are not ugly, so that can't be a problem. Listen, throughout school kids made fun of me because I was skinny (98 pound weakling throughout high school and into college) and what women considered plain. I don't let that stop me and you shouldn't either. Makeup is important, as much as you might have disdain for it. You don't have to do it heavy duty, but just light make up. You don't have to dress to nines, casual is acceptable nowadays, even clean jeans and simple blouse will do. You're not going on job interview.
Alluring to men is subjective. Not every man sees one woman the same way. And besides, why is it that the physical is so important? Honest, it's in the personality. You don't have to be overwhelming but just be nice. Some of my best dates have been women who dress casually and were relaxed; it relaxed me and brought out the simple person in both of us. As for sexy, it's matter of perception, yours mostly. If you believe that you are, you will be. You'll feel it and that will start the ball rolling.
My son is 35, and he hasn't found anyone yet. He says he's being patient, he's in no rush to commit and then have it go awry. I think he's learned from my mistakes: married at 19, divorced at 29 and then remarried at 35, divorced at 37 and then another relationship after for five years. You have to be selective; get their history, likes, dislikes, goals and hopes in life. No, you're not interviewing for a job but this decision is as important as the job, if not.
You're trying to establish a relationship, looking around for someone to fit into your life. This isn't about shopping for groceries, which we do we more care than looking for someone. Take the time to know him, and for godsakes, don't sleep with him for the first six months. I know, people talk about chemistry and all that rot. Truth is that chemistry only lasts so long, about a year or two. After that, you're stuck with that person. The question to ask yourself is: after the second year, will there still be the same excitement, the same comfort level and emotion when you wake up and find him next to you?
And above all else, don't be desperate. You shouldn't be desperate. You're a wonderful person, with so much to give, to bring into any relationship. Any man who meets you needs to realize. But the first trick is knowing inside that it's true.
Live well...
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The lights are low, the champagne is flowing and Dr. Phil's singles party continues, teaching women how to weed out the bad boys and find Mr. Right. Four women who say they can't be themselves when they're around guys are taped as they candidly speak about dating and what they're looking for in a mate. What they don't know is that they are actually being watched by men whom they will later meet. Find out what the men think about these ladies! Next, one of the women gets a special makeover from Robin, and a pep talk from Dr. Phil. Will she be able to earn herself a second date when she's armed with a secret weapon? Then, Dr. Phil sends single women to "target-rich" environments. Some are armed with tips for meeting men, while others have to survive on their own. Which group of women will meet men and even get phone numbers? Plus, test your knowledge and see how well you know men. If you're ready to be a bride instead of a bridesmaid, you don't want to miss Dr. Phil's advice! Join the discussion.
