Topic : 03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

I cannot believe that some of you are backing Chris and blaming Angela. 

Did any of you stop to think that maybe their daughter was scared because she doesnt ever see the guy?  

He stabbed someone and you could SEE it in his eyes. He is a VERY angry person. He wasnt angry at his ex he was angry at what Dr. Phil was saying to him. I hope and pray he never gains access to his daughter without supervision unless he shows to have him angry (along with the drinking/drugs) under control for an extended period of time. 

I also hope there are no women in the same type of situation reading this and thinking it is the norm that people blame them when their ex's get violent. There is no excuse for it and its NOT their fault. Sure a father can get upset but being upset and looking the way Chris looked at two different things. She also said she wasnt scared of him there, but of what he might do when they get home. 

If you are reading this Chris, I urge you to find someone else to help you with your angry, cause you are far from being able to manage it. To Angela, stick to your guns, while it is true, USUALLY, that the fathers should be in their childs life if it is destructive for the child to have that relationship with the other parent then you must do what you can to protect them and your daughter NEEDS to be protected from him!! Good luck. 

Do all those, "how dare the stepparent discipline my child!" parents think "how dare the school discipline my child!"?  If someone's child doesn't follow the rules, the school has the right to give them detention, suspension or expell them.  I was babysitting a couple of 8 year-old boys when they were running around the pool, risking injury.  Would their parents have preferred it if I didn't put an end to it?  I would hope not.  I've seen adolescents in the gym misusing the equipment, risking serious injury.  Should the gym staff not have bothered to say anything to these children b/c they weren't the parents?  I don't think so.  If your child is endangering themselves, others or pets, or breaking the rules, & you aren't around to correct this, it is the JOB of other adults to do so. 

I want to explain another side of the story to you.  I am a step parent to 2 teenage girls.  I have pushed one up against the wall and threatened to beat the crap out of her.  For the plain reason that she called me a bitch 3 times during a discussion we were having with her.  This girl was 17 at the time and pushed every button I had becouse she can.  Every teenager out there knows there is nothing a parent can do to them.  If they ground them they claim abuse,  if you yell at them they claim mental abuse, if you hit them the claim physical abuse.  What is a parent to do?  The thought of you just saying "she pushed my child up against the wall is to vague"  Why did she do it?  I am sure its not becouse she is bi-polar.  Although I do have to say the step mom going on and off her pills is not a good thing to do.  Was there any other incidents you can claim about abuse?  That is what I am curiouse about.   

Could this dislike for her from the kids be just becouse she is a step parent and is not you?    

Dont get me wrong.  I would move mountains to make sure my son is ok and not in any danger when it comes to any person abusing him.  But I just know what it is like to be a step parent and sometimes it is hard to split the difference between parent and mom.    

I was very sad Dr. Phil to hear you tell that stepparent to back off and butt out.  That to me is not successful parenting.  I have two stepchildren who are now 20 and 22, my daughter is 18.  We had very strick rules in our home and everyone had to follow.  About 3 years after my divorce, my ex husband and his new "wife from hell" gave up all custody to our daughter, so my new husband and I had her full time.  We had to have rules that applied toall the children when they were at our house.  We had no control on the way they acted when at their Moms, but at our home they followed the sames rules my daughter had to.  My husband and I have lived together since December 1994 and raised 3 beautiful children and I feel as the stepmom I contributed a great deal to that success.   

I agree with you these people need a mediator, because there is just to much anger between them.  Game playing on both sides.  My divorce was very bitter and the first thing Stanislaus County requires parents to do is go to a counceling class to see the effects divorce has on children.  My ex ended up in contempt of court because he didn't go.   My daughter is exteremely well adjusted now and what you told them about speaking ill of the other parent is so ture.  My daughter is very diappointed in her father for the things he did and the way he handled himself.   

The only consulation to surviving the "new wife from hell" is now she is his EX and they have a daughter together, which I feel very sorry for. 

Tina in California 

Custody battles do not have to be hard.   When my husband and his ex divorced there was not battle over custody.   They agreed to having joint custody but the mother was designated as the primary care giver.   My husband was very much involved in his daughters life by picking her up daily from pre-school and spending two to four hours each day with her.   When my husband and I started dating, I was quite jealous of the relationship that he had with his ex because I was going through a very nasty custody battle.   They got along like co-parents should. 

As our relationship grew and things got more serious, my husband's ex-wife began to change.   Perhaps that was my fault when I had a conversation with her about treating her daughter as my own.   As a single mom, I knew that was what I would want to her from my ex-husbands girlfriend/wife.     Since my daughter and my husband's daughter are the same age, I thought it was very important to not make any differences between them.    

When my husband and I married, he moved about 40 minutes away from his daughter.   Although his job was very close to her we did not think it would be in her best interest to continue picking her up on a daily basis during the school year.   We felt that the travel time back and forth would interrupt with her homework.   He did however continue to pick her up on a daily basis during the summer that is until his ex put an stop to it. 

The child and I were getting very close and this began to upset his ex.   Although she does not call me "mom", we have a very special relationship.    My husband's ex has gone through some extreme lengths to keep the child from my care.   She is always denying what she does but we have documentation from the child's school that she tried to cause trouble.    Because she lies to my husband on a regular basis, we had to start recording their telephone conversations to protect ourselves.    

Recently the ex has moved to the same community that my husband and I live in.   She moved  in with her new husband and his two daughters.   My step-daughter now attends the same school that my children attend.   When the ex told my husband about her moving closer to us, she promised him and their daughter that she would be able to spend more time with us.    

Here move took place during the summer.   My stepdaughter spent many "extra" nights with us.   Her mother allowed her to come back and forth as she wanted.    I thought that this was the best thing for the young girl.  She had no pressures and was being allowed to control her own life by living between two strong households.     

This all ended once school started and the child asked to continue spending extra time with us.   The ex refused to hear of the child spending more time with us.   She accuses us of putting things in the child's head.   Now, we are in a very ugly custody battle.    

All the child wants to do is spend more time with her father.  She has told this to her mother on several occasions. (We have recorded their telephone conversations for some time now to prove that the mother is manipulating the child.)    The child now leaves our home after each weekend visitation in tears or at least extremely upset.    

What happened to our getting along?   What happened to her promise to allow the child to spend time with her father?   This women has always been a control freak and is now allowing this to ruin her daughters emotional state.   She is very jealous of me and that jealously is very obvious.    

My children now have a step-mom.  I have known her quite some time and I support her 100 percent.   I expect my children to respect her and I expect her to threat my children as if they where her own.   I support her involvment in their school.   I have even told her not to correct the children for calling her "mom".   She is their mother when they are in their fathers custody.   I feel that by allowing this my children have two strong, stable homes.   My children are very lucky to have two mothers and two fathers that love them and only wants what is best for them. 

Why do ex's feel that they need to control everything?   I had similar problems in the early stages of my divorce because my ex wanted to control our children.  I think that when a couple with children file for divorce, it should be court ordered that they begin co-parenting classes.   Perhaps by the time that the divorce is finial, they may have a better outlook on how to share the children without putting them in the middle.  I also think everyone should be ordered to attend anger management classes.