Topic : 03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

 I don't think anyone should be hitting any kids, period. Why does everyone assume that the only form of discipline a step parent may use is corporal??? I don't hit my biological kids, why would I hit my stepkids?? I have had horrible dissagreements with my teen stepson. He is a big kid and he did threaten me physically at one time. I would have defended myself if needed. I don't think this would have ever been an issue if his mom would stop telling him and his brother that they don't have to listen to me. She excepts them to listen to their grandmother and teachers, yet I don't deserve the same respect. I cook, clean, wash clothes, buy clothes, shoes, school supplies, go to parent teacher confrences, anything that these boys need. I don't HAVE to do this. I could very easily make my husband do these things for his kids. But, I don't. We are a family and family should work together.  

When my hubby had sole custody of the boys, we had our son and spent 2 months with him at a hospital more than 3 hours away. My mom out her job, teen kids, and life on hold to come stay with "our" kids. She of course knew my kids from birth, but had only been around my stepsons a handful of times. It was an uncomfortable position for both her and my stepsons. Their mom and maternal grandmother were both available to care for them during that time, and yet they didn't. Their mom called my mom and gave her the 3rd degree about her beliefs and anything else she felt she had the right to know because my mom was caring for her kids. That makes me so sick. If she was so concerned, she could have gottten off her a** and watched her own kids. But, she chose not to keep them with her for that time. She was too busy partying and bringing home a different guy every weekend, and didn't want the responsibility. How hypocritical can a person be. If the fact that my mom was willing to take care of 2 kids she hardly knew so they could stick to some sense of normality during a crisis wasn't enough to know she is a good person, I don't know what is. I think people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  

On the flip side, I don't have to deal with any of this crap from my ex. There are many miles between our homes and he doesn't see our kids often. They talk on the phone and email. His family also stays in contact. Recently we all got together at my ex mom-in-laws house and visited. My ex and hubby spent time talking about work and the great game of basketball my son plays. It was not weird and it felt comfortable. I think this is because my ex and I know our boundaries and we can communicate like human beings. Our son was never a piece of property and no one ever had the upper hand in our separation. I am blessed that this is my personal situation.  

My parents both remarried and I had 2 stepparents. So, I also know that side as well. My stepdad was nothing more than my mom's hubby and he never was anything more for me. I am fine with that. We get along and he is grandpa to my kids. I have no hard feeling toward him at all. My stepmom on the other hand is a nightmare. She always compared her kids to me and my brother. She always did more for her own kids and when my dad did something for us, she threw a huge fit. She is extremely jealous of the relationship my parents had and is horrible to my mom. She has always talked bad about her and treated us like sh*t when we came back from spending time with mom. She uses drugs and alcohol and my mom doesn't. She has physically abused her kids and allowed them to use drugs in her presence. I don't know how she feels justified in judging my mom when she can't even look at herself in the mirror.  

Basically, I don't think anyone can tell anyone else how to act or what they should or should not do on this post. All of our situations are different.  

I agree with the person who posted that Dr. Phil should do another show and clarify his thoughts on stepparenting.  

 When I watched this show, I could see my family all over again.  I am 27 now and grew up in a very similar situation to that of the first family featured.  I watched the way these people interact and it makes me so angry!  I grew up in what I always thought (and still think) was one of the worst divorce situations I'd ever heard of.  But, now, things are different.  My family now has a unique problem........ 

Now that my younger sister and I are grown, my parents get along wonderfully.  I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel.  The ADULTS spent all those years fighting and being angry at each other and taking it out on us kids........and now that money no longer exchanges hands and everyone lives in different states, they get along.  It angers me beyond belief.  I harbor so much resentment and anger towards my parents and my dad's wife that it interferes with my life.  I have always been the "black sheep," and now my dad is really the only person within my family that I speak with on a regular basis.  I have been estranged from my mom and younger sister for several months now, but off and on for several years.  Its such a tragedy! 

As I watched the 2nd part of this show, I cried.  I have been waiting so long for Dr.Phil to do a show about nasty custody battles, with the one parent in prison.  I was married for 7 yrs.  My ex-husband had/has a severe drug addiction that made him a very desperate person.  He has a very long criminal back-ground.  From theft, domestic violence, to violation of probation/parole.  During our marriage I was the devoted wife, that just felt he had a sickness.  He was in @ least 7 rehabs just in our marriage alone.  Everytime, I thought, this time he's going to get better.  My third child was born in 9-03.  He left us @ the hospital, never came to pick us up.  That was my awakening moment.  I felt he didn't want us.  I filed for a divorce, in the mean time found out that he was "working under-cover" for the police to have a lesser sentence for his previous charges, meanwhile still using & breaking the law.  We are now divorced, he has been in prison since 12/03.  During that time, I tried to make him see that even though we are over, he still was a dad.  Even though I refused to take my kids to see him there, I allowed communcation with letters & calls.  He was released in 7/04.  When he was released he stayed @ his father's & I allowed the kids to go there over the weekend, with the agreement made with his father, that he was not to be left  with them or take them any where.  That was 9 months of rebuilding my life, my kids life & trying to heal all of our hearts & souls.  In a matter of 2 days, he ruined everything I had worked for.  You see, he promised my oldest 2 kids the world.  Daddy, wasn't ever going to leave them again, he's was all better.  I picked the kids up that Sunday & that night he stole his fathers car, & checkbook & went on a 3 day binge.  He was picked up by the police & placed back in jail, that Wednesday.  He now is serving a 2-6 yr. sentence which he now has come up for early release.  I am expecting him out this July or August.  My oldest is now 7 yrs.old.  Since the time he went to jail I have been taking her to a therapist, every week.  I know that it is better for the kids to have a relationship with both their parents & I know that we as their parents need to be co-parents & do what is best for the kids.  But, what I don't know is how many times do I have to put these kids through this.  Each time, they are the ones disappointed, hurt & sad.  I know that people CAN change, but how do you KNOW that they did?  My oldest daughter wants her dad in her life, my son & other daughter, don't remember him.  When he gets out, How do I help them rebuild their relationship?  And at what level relationship & interaction do they have?  My kids needs got to be first on both of our parts, but how he wants it all back & on his terms.  During his time in prison, he has already sued me once for visitation.  What do I do to protect them & but help them to rebuild with him?  Seeing that ex on the show, I saw his anger in his eyes.  It's the same angry look that my ex has.  It scared me just watching him, I felt her fear. 

I felt immensely sorry for the estranged father in the second half of the show.  Granted, there's something really wrong with the guy (given his history, probably sociopathic personality with maybe some brain dysfunction thrown in) and I agree he should never be left alone with his daughter, but I felt his love for her was completely sincere and was saddened to see him ridiculed on the show. 

Where is this woman's accountability for marrying and bearing a child with a man who was in prison when she met him and had already (if I remember correctly) set a fire, stabbed a man, burgled a house, attempted to steal a car, and "smashed" a cat?  The fact is she walked into this relationship with her eyes wide open and has no one to blame but herself for the position she now finds herself in; obviously, this man shouldn't have fathered a child with anyone; now the child pays.  Dr. Phil needs to be a little less politically correct and call women on THEIR mistakes, too. 

Technically this is not about the custody battle but it is about how the divorce and interaction between the parents is affecting the child. Here is the situation with my friend (mom), her son (11yrs old, and my son’ s friend) and her ex (dad).  I have known all three people for about 5 years.  About 3 years ago the parents separated and then got divorced.  They agreed to dad having son on Sundays at a specific time frame and have always been very flexible when it comes to extra days as long as it does not interfere with his schoolwork.  Well, dad got a new girlfriend who has a 4 year old daughter and told her in the beginning that his son was his “first” priority.  Since dating her (about 9- 10 months now) he has very much threatened his relationship with his son.  He has done this by being late picking him up regularly, spending time with her when it’s son’s time and cutting their time short to do for the girlfriend any whim she may have at any time.  Mom feels this is a “win” for her because son says he is happier spending time with her and would rather not be with dad because of everything.  Referencing Dr. Phil’s book, Family First and the section on divorced couples, I have pointed out to mom (and let her read it herself) the mistakes they are both making.  I of course only hear mom and sons side of it but can see the affect on son.  I have told mom that if I was to ever meet up with dad I’d have to give him a piece of my mind and let him know If he didn’t pull his head out of his a** he would ruin his relationship with his son beyond repair.  I have a scheduled opportunity this Sunday to be around dad and son due to an obligation the boys have during dad’s time.  My question is should I seize this opportunity to speak my mind or just butt out?

This lady is not a step-parent, she is a live-in girlfriend.  She has no business even being in that situation, You should not live with someone if you are not married to them especially in front of small shildren.  The Dad needs to do what is right for the children, and if he were thinking of his children, they wouldn't be in that situation at all!!! 

I am not a step-parent but my husband is.  He was allowed to discipline them and it was a huge mistake.  If we had it to do all over again, He would have never been the one to hand out the discipline.  We should have discussed the consequences for actions privately and I should have been the enforcer.  I wish I had never had put him nor my sons in the position they were in.  It did damage to their relationship.  I allowed him to be blamed for everything negative, and it was wrong.   The oldest is on his own and we still have one son home and twins of our own.  We now agree on what the discipline will be and I am one who is required to follow-thru.  I no longer throw him under the bus, and the realtionship between them is getting far better. 

In telling the step-parent to back off we are not saying that they have no input, it is saying that you discuss the rules of your home and they are the same for everyone, but the actual parent is the one who deals directly with the child.  It causes far less problems and the child doesn't feel like they are only being punished by this person because "I'm not really your kid".   

I've done it both ways and trust me, A step-parent being in charge of discipline will only lead to disaster.  Especially if the other parent is involved and trying to undermine the relationship to begin with.