Topic : 03/23 Nasty Custody Battles

I think they were lying about it bing their weekend. There is no way they had some documentation the biomom didn't have stating it was thier weekend. I think that was just thier way of trying to make the biomom look bad. If they really did have documentation than they had other options to make sure they got the kids for the weekend.  

I think the stepmom has dillusions that she gave birth to those boys. Dr Phil called her on that and I am glad he did. It was also apparent that they were lying about saying the things to and about the biomom. This was also noticed by Dr. Phil.  

I also think it is amazing that the biodad really didn't have much to say. He left most of the talking up to his wife. Does he not have any opinion about anything? Or does he not really care? Was this all just to play games with the biomom? 

You seem pretty steadfast in who you supported on this show.  Perhaps it's because it rang similar to your situation.  (From what I've read of your other posts.)  However, like I said, we were posting about the SHOW.  I am not angry at anyone.  Just frustrated with how parents act, but then tell their kids to do the right thing. 

Just for the sake of argument, if you are so obliged, then would you consider the following? 

1.  The father driving down to attempt to pick up his kids for what he believed to be his weekend. 

  -- If the father did not attempt to pick up his kids, then the mother could have come back and said, "oh yah, it was your weekend but you missed it, so this next weekend is mine too."  Also, if he did not make the attempt, then he could not claim contempt of the custody order.  He couldn't say, "well, she called me and told me I couldn't pick up the kids this weekend."  Plus, there was the slightest bit of a chance that she would have let the kids go with him, so he had to try. 

2.  The papers. 

  -- The father claimed he had papers, the mother claims there is a "verbal agreement" otherwise.  That leads me to beleive that the papers do state which weekend is which, but the mother thinks the "verbal agreement" overrides any other agreements.  However, it only takes one person to say there was never a verbal agreement, and like that, there never was one.  Judges don't take "verbal agreements" into account very often, unless there is witnesses to see both sides of an agreement take place (not just someone hearing one side of a conversation over the phone.)  Also, an interesting thing to note: even signed agreements between parents aren't held up in court.  The are looked at for "intention."  Only court orders can be held up in court. 

3.  You say the father had options. 

  -- You say that the father could have called the police to enforce his parenting time.  A lot of jurisdictions will not do anything.  If you've spent any time on the internet about custody issues, you would find that many people all across the U.S. have problems with their local authorities enforcing custody issues.  It sounds outrageous, but it does happen (a lot more than not these days.)  A lot of police officers will say that it is a family court matter.  This could have been one reason we did not see the police go with the father. 

  --Another thing is, if you do get the police to enforce custody orders, then it doesn't always look good on the parent who called the police for assistance.  Usually these matters end back up in the family court to determine contempt.  Judges need to consider if the actions the parents took was in the best interest of the child(ren).  It's not a desirable thing for a child to see the police come to their house and make them go with the other parent.  Courts encourage contempt matters to be taken up with the courts, rather than to get the police involved and further damage the children. 

I can see both sides of the situation (on the show), because I worked for a family law lawyer for a number of years.  I just happen to find the mother not too credible, but as you said in one of your previous posts, we needed more information than we got on the show.  Working for a family law lawyer has made me work hard to get along with my ex and his wife, for the sake of our children.   

I think this show, however, really missed the mark on what needed to happen for this family.  I think Dr. Phil should have given better advice on how to co-parent.  It was obvious that the mom and the dad/stepmom had different views on how to raise the boys.  That is probably where the conflicts arise.  I'm hoping we see an update with this family to see how they've come along since the show.   

I do understand your points. Like I said before, I just wanted to state some opinions on the other side of things. I obviosely side with the mother on this. You are very correct in stating that I am probably inserting some of my own experiences in this. As I have said, I am in the middle of both situations. I, being a stepmom, do not cross the lines that I believe this family (Dad and STEPMOM) have crossed. Likewise: my ex and his wife seem to cross the same lines on a fairly regular basis. 

Now with that said, I agree with you that it would be a good show to see an update on. I do believe that the parents could use more help and I would like to see how they have progressed. 

You have stated that you are a stepmom.  Are you not emotionally attached to your stepchild?  I think that if you are going to argue that the stepmom's crying was over the top, then the same could be said of the biomom's crying.  The stepmom was reacting to being denied what they believed to be their weekend.  It doesn't matter that they just had them the weekend before.  My goodness!  That mother gets to see the kids nearly EVERY day of the month!  On the other hand, the biomom "broke down" crying on the show when she was saying how she's working so hard to get the boys' sports schedule to not conflict with Dad's weekends.  To me, it seemd that the stepmom's tears were genuine in that she loves her stepsons very much and was upset the boys wouldn't be spending time with them.  Who's to say either one's tears were a show or genuine, except the women themselves?   

It just seems you are projecting your hatred of your son's stepmother onto the stepmom on this show.  If you hate your son's stepmom so much, you are not doing them any favors! 

Let me tell you where I'm coming from.  I am a new mother/ wife.  Not too long ago, my sister and I were just like those little boys on the show.  We were fought over by our parents nearly our entire life.  My parents divorced when my sister and I were little, so we don't really remember our parents together.  My dad remarried, and so did my mom... twice.  By the time I was 10, I had been through 2 stepdads and a couple of my mom's live-in boyfriends.  Some had kids, some didn't.  My dad only married once after my mom, and is still married to my stepmom. 

My mom got custody because we were so little when the divorce happened.  It was a very sad thing for me to only get to see my dad every other weekend.  When I was little, I couldn't understand why I lived with my mom so much, but only got to "visit" my dad.  As I got older, and heard things my mom would talk about when she thought I was out of earshot, I understood that it wasn't about us at all.  It was about her!  My dad and stepmom would argue with my mom about her making plans for us all the time, even during my weekends with my dad.  I was able to understand at a young age what my mom was doing.  She wanted to control my dad.  My dad only ever wanted to have time with my sister and I so he would have a part in our growing up.  I grew up hearing both my parents fight and call names to one another, but always felt sorry for my dad.  Most of the time, it seemed my dad and stepmom were sticking up for my sister and I, and what we wanted... which was to have more time with our dad.   

My mom was very intimidating to approach when it came to us wanting to live with our dad, so we told our dad who took action.  He filed for custody, but my mom was able to keep custody so our lives wouldn't be "upheaved."  That was very ironic because my mom had been married and divorced several times, new boyfriends coming and going every couple of years (or less), and moving us all over the place.  Yet, my dad who was quite stable would have "upheaved" my life?  It was miserable to want to live with my dad, but told that I must continue living with my mother.  It wasn't that I didn't love my mother, I did and do very much.  My mom and I are close.  But I do feel my mom robbed me of getting that closeness with my dad because of her own insecurites.  I just wanted to experience what it was like to live with my dad, and to be a part of my half-sister/brother's lives.  Now that I am an adult, I live close to my dad and see and talk to him nearly every day.  I still can't help but feel resentment towards my mom, because I feel she didn't act what was in the best interest of us kids, only her own agenda. 

This is why I reacted so strongly towards the mother on the show.  I could see my own mom (in Tiffany), playing the innocent like she never raised her voice toward my dad, or she never messed with his time with us kids.  I could see how the mom on the show is trying to villify the dad and stepmom, and it just struck so close to home!  If the mom on the show would just open her heart to her boys' needs, then they will have such a better life!  And they will love her for doing all she could to foster the relationship between them and their father.  Otherwise, it WILL come back to bite her in the butt!  I was a daughter not able to have that quality time with her dad.  Those boys will be so deprived if they don't get to have a close relationship with their father.  It won't matter if they have a male role model in their lives, they know and love their dad, and no other person can take that place. 

Wow.  I really hope you can work through your own problems you have with your ex and his wife.  Because, they are your kids' DAD/ STEPMOM.  You have heard me state before that I believe the custodial parent has so much more responsiblity and, yes, control in their children's lives.  I'm sure you have heard Dr. Phil say so many times that, "someone has got to be the hero here."  If your ex and his wife are as bad as you say they are, then that person should be you.  You need to take the high road, and be totally upfront and honest with your ex about what is going on in your children's lives.  That way, he can never say that you keep him in the dark about his kids' lives.  If you wait for him/them to be the good guys in all this, it may never happen...or at least to your standards.  The big thing is, you need to get over your hate for them.  They obviously don't get along with you, from what you have said, so someone needs to take the iniative somewhere.  The biggest thing you face is getting it back to being about your kids.  I'm sure, in the end, it isn't really about wanting to fight with you.  It's more than likely about your ex wanting to have some say and control in his kids' lives too.  Think about when your bad times with your ex and his wife have been?  Are they really completely out of the blue?  Or are they directly correlated to something about the boys?  Exes that couldn't get along married aren't going to have any easier time now they are divorced.  If you didn't agree on child rearing then, than things they percieve to be not good for the kids may be things you find perfectly acceptable, and vice versa.  The trick is to be able to communicate about what each of you feel to be good or bad for your kids without WW III (or whatever number you are on!)  You need to be able to put yourself in his shoes.  If your children lived with him, then what would you expect from him/ them?  Would you expect him to come to you (or call you) if one of the kids goes to the dr?  Or would you really be content to wait until the weekend when you see them to hear that news?  It really just comes down to it as simple as that.   

It really sounds like you need to make a fresh start with your ex and his wife.   

I don't know your situation, but if I were talking to the mom on the show about this same topic, I would suggest that she really thought about giving up an extra weekend here and there to the kids' dad.  That would really go such a long way for her to say, "You know, we don't have anything going on next week.  Would you like to have the boys?"  Like Dr. Phil said, kids aren't governed by court papers.  It would be a win-win-win situation for everyone involved.  The mom would be the hero for giving up her time; the dad would have to see it as a great gesture, and he won't resent the mom as much (it's not gonna happen overnight!); and the kids would see their mom making a decision that was for their benefit. 

I say this out of experience of having a great co-parenting relationship with my ex.  And from my line of work, helping others come from worse to great as well. 

I am just curious how you "know" that the people from this show are anything like your family growing up? There was nothing said, that I can remember, about the kids wanting to spend more time with thier dad. Let alone that they want to live with thier dad.  

I do recall the biomom saying she was doing as much as she could to try to ensure the boys had no plans for the weekends the dad and stepmom were suppose to have the boys. If I remember correctly, the stepmom even said that the biomom was doing that. It wasn't just something the biomom was making up. 

How could you know what the boys from the shows needs are? We can't possibly know that from the show. The boys were hardly seen and never asked (on the show) what thier needs are. I do agree that whichever side it is that is playing games will suffer in the long run. I also agree that kids are smarter than they are given credit for in most cases. They do pick up on lying and game playing. 

I do understand that it is easier for you to see the side of the dad and stepmom because of your experiences. We all have some kind of past that curves the opinions we form. Unfortunately it makes it harder to see both sides of issues. 

I will have to agree that kids need both bio parents in thier life (in most cases).  

Wow.  I really hope you can work through your own problems you have with your ex and his wife.  Because, they are your kids' DAD/ STEPMOM.  You have heard me state before that I believe the custodial parent has so much more responsiblity and, yes, control in their children's lives.  I'm sure you have heard Dr. Phil say so many times that, "someone has got to be the hero here."  If your ex and his wife are as bad as you say they are, then that person should be you.  You need to take the high road, and be totally upfront and honest with your ex about what is going on in your children's lives.  That way, he can never say that you keep him in the dark about his kids' lives.  If you wait for him/them to be the good guys in all this, it may never happen...or at least to your standards.  The big thing is, you need to get over your hate for them.  They obviously don't get along with you, from what you have said, so someone needs to take the iniative somewhere.  The biggest thing you face is getting it back to being about your kids.  I'm sure, in the end, it isn't really about wanting to fight with you.  It's more than likely about your ex wanting to have some say and control in his kids' lives too.  Think about when your bad times with your ex and his wife have been?  Are they really completely out of the blue?  Or are they directly correlated to something about the boys?  Exes that couldn't get along married aren't going to have any easier time now they are divorced.  If you didn't agree on child rearing then, than things they percieve to be not good for the kids may be things you find perfectly acceptable, and vice versa.  The trick is to be able to communicate about what each of you feel to be good or bad for your kids without WW III (or whatever number you are on!)  You need to be able to put yourself in his shoes.  If your children lived with him, then what would you expect from him/ them?  Would you expect him to come to you (or call you) if one of the kids goes to the dr?  Or would you really be content to wait until the weekend when you see them to hear that news?  It really just comes down to it as simple as that.   

It really sounds like you need to make a fresh start with your ex and his wife.   

I don't know your situation, but if I were talking to the mom on the show about this same topic, I would suggest that she really thought about giving up an extra weekend here and there to the kids' dad.  That would really go such a long way for her to say, "You know, we don't have anything going on next week.  Would you like to have the boys?"  Like Dr. Phil said, kids aren't governed by court papers.  It would be a win-win-win situation for everyone involved.  The mom would be the hero for giving up her time; the dad would have to see it as a great gesture, and he won't resent the mom as much (it's not gonna happen overnight!); and the kids would see their mom making a decision that was for their benefit. 

I say this out of experience of having a great co-parenting relationship with my ex.  And from my line of work, helping others come from worse to great as well. 

I am emotionally attached to my stepson. However; my boyfriend and myself neither one would act like the biodad and step mom on this show. My boyfriend was not even aware he had a son until he was two years old. My stepsons mother had been very hit and miss with allowing my boyfriend any time with his son for most of his life, but he has never acted this way towards her (nor has he EVER allowed any of his girlfriends to treat her the way the step mom on this show treats the biomom). We now have my stepson almost everyday. We do not have the same parenting styles as my stepsons biomom AT ALL, but we never tell her how she should parent her son on her time.  

And for the record, I don't hate my kids' step mom! I think that my ex-husband is truly irresponsible and allows his wife way to much control, but that is his choice! They are very difficult to get along with, but I WAS married to him, we DO have children together, so obviously we have to get along.