Quote From: lostmomma1Hi there. I'm constantly surfing websites for advice on raising my son. I've been so many sites, and always come back to Dr. Phil's advice columns and thought I'd check out the message boards.
The problem is my ex and are divorced, and have such different parenting styles. Dr. Phil is always saying that parents need to have similar rules at both homes, etc. But!... That just won't work in our case. Whenever I try to bring up the subject with him, he tells me not to try to parent our son when he's with him. I don't try to do that.. but I get tired of hearing, "but Dad lets me!" I just want to talk about the possibility of making some rules cohesive.
Your post intrigued me because you state that your boyfriend's ex and you two don't have the same parenting styles and that you don't really interfere with what goes on over there. I just want to get another point of view on this, and you're the only person I've seen that really states that you're different, and that it's okay with you all. How do you deal with the differences? Do they ever dramatically contrast with yours? Is it just how you deal with a situation, or do you have totally different rules at each house?
I saw that you posted not too long ago, so I hope you'll see this this! Thanks so much!
Being the stepmom in this case I really don't feel it is my place to tell the biomom what I think she should do. The best way to explain the situation is this: the biomom has adopted a very detached way of life. If something in life seems difficult she just doesn't deal with it and she is teaching this same life style to my stepson. A good example is, my stepson was 9 years old and didn't know how to tie his shoes. His mom said that since he wore glasses it was hard for him to tie his shoes so she just always bought him ones that slip on. I thought this was absolutely horrible, but who am I to judge (or try to change her). I however; went out and bought him a pair of shoes that tied and taught him how. When he comes to our house he has to wear the shoes that tie so he can remember how. This is a very mild example of the problems we face on a daily basis. My stepson is very different from most 11 year old boys. He struggles ever day because of the teachings of his biomom. My boyfriend and I just try really hard to counteract his mothers teachings when he is with us. We don't tell him that his mom is wrong, we just tell him that we have different ways.
Sometimes we to hear about how his mom lets him do this or that and we don't. We also hear about the things his mom doesn't make him do that we do make him do, but he knows that we all have different rules and requirements.
It is never easy on either side. The one thing that is nice is we finally did get the biomom to back us up with punishment and things like that. Our problem was that he thought that he could just run to his mom and tell her he didn't want to spend time with us because he didn't like our rules and she would bail him out. He does know now that is not how it is going to work.
It was definetely not easy! My boyfriend and I have been together for about two and a half years and things were NOT this way right off the bat. I think what makes the biggest difference in our situation is that my boyfriend and his ex have had problems in the past but have decided that the best thing for thier son is to help one another. He truely believes that even though his ex has some very strange ideas of parenting she is still his sons mother and kids need thier moms. He respects her and her decisions as long as his son is not in danger. It truely is him that makes all of our relationships work.
Also, it works because the biomom doesn't want to be the one to help with homework, dicipline,or teach responsibility. All of those things have become our responsibility. We do his homework with him every day, deal with any problems he is having at school or at home (he was an only child until now), and we make him do chores.
I think that unless your ex comes to this type of thought process you will continue to have a very hard time. I have the same type of problem with my ex. He and his new wife want to dictate to me how I should raise our children. The funny thing is that when we were married we had the same views of raising our children. Right after the divorce he didn't even care if he saw his kids and now he wants to tell me how it should be done.
I hope this helps a little. I have learned that everyone is different and it is very hard to come to terms with these subjects.
(Original Air Date: 01/09/06) If you’re getting a divorce, or even considering one, and you have kids, don't miss this show! Dr. Phil talks to parents who are embroiled in bitter custody battles, leaving their innocent children caught in the crossfire. Scott is tired of fighting with his ex-wife, Tiffany, over visitation of their two sons. The bickering has gotten so bad that Tiffany claims Scott spit on her during a recent encounter. Can they learn to respect each other for the sake of their kids? Plus, Angela says her ex-husband, Chris's violent past and brushes with the law have her so scared that she refuses to let him near their 7-year-old daughter. Does a man with Chris’s past deserve a second chance to be a father? Share your thoughts.
