Topic : 01/26 Shopping Intervention: The Aftermath

Michael - you are an intelligent person but like you say, out of control.  I was married to a man who had the same rage as you show.  My kids and I never knew when he was going to blow up - we walked on eggs every day.  He made our lives pretty miserable.  He didn't use foul language but he was loud, he scared our kids when they were little with his booming voice.  He took the joy out of so much of my life from playing cards or games - he always had to win; he complained about spending money at holidays, going to a movie - he'd complain about the cost of popcorn. I dreaded having him go with me anywhere, I just wanted to enjoy myself.   

  

He passed away very suddenly 9 years ago.  My kids are all grown and in their 30's but they are still dealing with issues that weren't resolved when he was alive.  We all loved my husband/their father but we didn't like him very much.  A friend of his asked me why I stayed in such an abusive marriage.  I told him if it bothered  him so much, maybe he ought to tell my husband how he was behaving because it didn't do me any good to say anything.  My husband had a way of making everything someone else's fault, usually me or the kids.  I threatened to leave him 6 months before he died - that opened his eyes and he did start to change.  I felt so much anger after he died because after almost 30 years of marriage, he was finally being nice to me and I felt cheated that we didn't have a chance to enjoy each other and appreciate each other more.   

  

My daughter recently asked me about my favorite Christmas.  I told her about several and asked her what was her favorite. She replied "I don't have any, dad (my husband) took the fun out of everything".   How sad that was to hear.   

  

Please Michael, change your ways and appreciate and love your family. If you were to die tomorrow, all these unresolved issues will eat at your wife and children as they have my family.  They will wonder how it could have been if you made the effort.  Please, please make the effort and make their life worth living. 

I too was married to such a man. I left him after almost 25 yrs of marriage and I am remarried. I am basically happy but the new husband does have some anger issues but through what I learned from the other marrieage it will never get that bad. My first husband was a screamer. You never knew when he would get home what he would yell about. One day the bikes were on the sidewalk so he would yell to put them in the lawn. The next day the stupid bikes were going to ruin the grass. The neighbors told me one day that the took bets to see what would set him off. He usually picked on one child at a time. When he got tired of that yelling at that one he would move on to the next. My biggest regret is that I couldn't change the way he treated our one son. Our son has some medical problems and can not work like his dad would like him too and so he gives him the same treatment that the dad on todays show gave his son. It is heartbreaking. My son now lives out of the house but the woulnds are still there. Any suggestions on how to build up his self esteem. When I am with my kids we joke about there dads temper now but so much of it hurts. He showed them one time how to recycle bottles. He took them too the yards and stomped on them. I have been away from this man for 6 yrs but it still hurts me. I can only imagine how the kids must feel.

The Dad's yelling and screaming  -no wonder she shops and gets back at him by getting in debt. Although my Mom was the yeller and screamer in our family and it does deeply afect the kids. My parents fought constantly. When I finally shared an apartment with some friends, I could never believe how quiet it was and that people actually talked to each other in a nice way. Those kids will move out ,probably get therapy and will NOT enjoy visiting their parents after they have left. The Dad's power over them won't be there when they are no longer under their roof. And if if you think their eventual spouses will want to visit you have a surprise coming. Only my one brother who is not married visits my parents more than once a year. My other brother's wife Never comes with him. My sister hasn't visited in 4 years. I went last year for 4-5 days but with my brother also there as a buffer. But without my spouse and son. I have one sister who lives 30 minutes from them with her kids. The rest live 5 states away or at least two.  

             Anyway, I haven't seen the show yet, but the kids look close to 18 or more. Move out and  get out of that atmosphere. If the Mom stops shopping she could afford an apartment  or condo. She could go to school or get a job to substitute for the shopping and anger. I had a bad TV and online shopping problem when I first move to a new state and had nothing to do and the relatives gave me money to spend. Not good!!!! Fortunately, I finally broke the habit by returning the stuff and only shopped online places that had easy return policies. It is tough to quit. I returned so much "stuff"  just the end of last year. So it is easy to relapse!!! you quit for awhile and then see something on sale.:>) I did order when I got mad at my husband though!!!   

             I tried substituting exercise and  maybe there is a shoppers anonymous somewhere for her. !!:>) " Hi, My name is Suzy and I just ordered boots online!!!":>) "Hi. Suzy" Oh, well, an idea. Also, be a good example for your kids . My son finally got old enough to notice the shopping and said, "Mom, you've got a real bad shopping habit!!!" That was enough to make me quit. It is a better example for him. Maybe volunteer work or a part time job. This lady seems smart to me. But she isn't using it. Is there something she has always wanted to do in her life? Some far out thing she never took seriously? she could use the money for that........Travel some exotic place - skip the damn boots,and take your daughter. Take art lessons or learn to fly or  scuba or visit  Alaska........just get unstuck....... cuz you are wasting your life shopping.  

            

Mike's wife has been using him, spending all of his money and putting the family in debt.  Of course he's going to yell and of course he's going to be angry.  I understand the concept of spending another man's money means nothing to women and I understand you don't understand how that can bother men.  But when you work your butt off only to have a woman spend it all and put you in debt, that tends to get under some husband's skin.  He should've divorced this woman a long time ago.

Is this the day when I will see Dr. Phil angry?????? 

   

I can imagine how the children of this couple must feel.  I grew up in a house filled with anger, frustration and a just plain mean environment.  Everytime the adults became angry I knew one of us 3 kids would end up getting a beating.  I was the oldest, so it was more times than not, me.  It took me years of Therapy to realize "everything" was not my fault.  I also know that this show is going to cause some of my issues to resurface, but I now have the tools to handle that! 

  

So you go, Dr. Phil, tell 'em like it is! 

  

  

I understand and can appreciate your feelings.  What I can not understand is why you stayed in such an unhealthy relationship for so many years????  You said you threatened to leave him 6 months before his passing, and that he began to change, to become nicer to you.  So why didn't you threaten to leave him years before?  I know that it is difficult to leave a marriage, especially with children, but to allow someone to have that much control over your life is just so sad.  I sincerely hope you and your children will seek help with your issues surrounding this abusive relationship. 

  

I too was abused.  Therapy literally saved my life!  It gave me the tools I needed to stand up for myself and to rid myself of my abuser.  I will pray for you and your family and I wish you happiness. 

Apparently, you have things backwards don't you? 

  

  

And lets say, you were right......which you ARE NOT. 

  

  

How does any behavior from the woman or the children justify, warrant or excuse the husband's out and out  ABUSE? 

  

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. 

  

  

As I said earlier, you have things backwards.   

  

  

Noticing your core beliefs toward women, gives a lot of information about YOU. 

Michael I AM SO MAD AT YOU. You don't tell your daughter to get a gun!!!!! I buried my daughter in 2002 because her husband told you the same words.  She felt just like your wife does now.  You are in need of help and no meds will help you.  Go get admitted to the hospital.    As for your wife run out now and  

GET A DIVORCE you will be so much better off.  When you get divorce you can go shop your ass off since he is a doctor and makes big $$$.  You will find someone out there who would love to be with you and going shopping and whatever you want to do with love.  

I feel doctors only know medical books that is their life and no one else matters.   

I can empathize with your daughter and your family. 

  

Living in a house with an Abusive man.......is hell. 

  

  

Holidays come and go..........and so does the feeling of dread. 

  

  

It got to a point, where I didn't even want a Christmas tree.   The fun was gone.   The holiday ruined yet again, by my husband.   Ruined as his father before him ruined theirs .......in husband's  family of origin.    He chose the same behavior. 

  

It was hell.  

  

Living with an ABUSER is hell. 

  

  

Bah. Those kids don't know how good they have it. I wish my dad only yelled at me. I'd trade places with them anytime.