Messages By: domerdude

Bipolar disorder is a devastating illness. My life is proof of that. It took five years to get my meds right, but by that time it was too late. The illness ruined my marriage, my career and my finances. I had eight hospitalizations in mental institutions. 

At 30 years of age I've found stability, but at what cost? The meds keep me from being able to hold a job. I'm very distractible and can't concentrate, I fatigue easily and my social skills are horrendous now. I can't date or have a social life. The life has gone out of me. I'm dull. I feel stupid and inadequate in many phases of my life. This is what the aim of treatment is? I know some of you out there function well on medication, but I would like to know how you do it. I will keep taking my meds.  

I got sick on military active duty, so the VA covers me with a disability pension. I applied for Social Security too, but I feel awful about taking it. Part of me is still in denial, like I couldn't possibly have an illness that is this disabling to me...you know? But at the same time, every time I venture out I experience some sort of setback telling me "Yes, yes you are disabled." It's frustrating. 

I hear what you're saying. Isolation is the worst thing. You take for granted little things like going to the grocery store, going to church or going to the movies, but when you've been isolated for a long time those things become monumental obstacles. I am in therapy and I have gotten better about being out in public again. I am active in my NAMI chapter and I tried going back to school, but that was overwhelming. It's just a daily struggle. 

I don't get as depressed about it as I used to. Part of it I credit to the Lamictal which has been a wonder drug for me. Part of it I credit to time and getting used to my situation. But without a doubt I do not enjoy the same quality of life I did before I was diagnosed with this illness. Not even close. And my previous message speaks to the things I have lost. 

My form of the illness is very resitant to treatment. I have no idea why that is, probably just something about my makeup, but that is why it took so long to find something that would stabilize me. I currently take 1500 mg of Lithium per day, 375 mg of Lamictal per day and 30 mg of aripiprazole per day to give you an idea of the amount of medicine. My mind is clear for the first time in a long, long time, but I still feel overmedicated. But I know from experience that I'm on the amount I need to be on to stay clear, if I take less than that I get into trouble, so it's sort of a no-win. Well, I shouldn't say that. From where I have come from I have a lot to be thankful for, but it is frustrating to know that other people are living good lives while mine rots away. I wish I could go without meds, but I'm wise enough to know that will only lead me down a road I don't want to go. 

As far as psychiatrist/psychologist relationships go, the two that I have are top notch. I think they have done as much as they can do to this point. I would love to be on the Dr. Phil to share my story with America. I think people need to see how normal we are while appreciating the struggles that we face. I just don't think a lot of people who don't have the illness understand. 

Without meds I tend to be more manic, but with meds it seems like I hold in a pattern of mild depression. It is often really hard to get out of bed and it does help to do one little chore at a time. I agree that relationships are so important. This illness is a reserved person's worst nightmare. You can feel so isolated and alone. 

Eeyore, 

I agree with you completely. This illness is underrepresented in the media and it is more taboo among people. I'm so glad Dr. Phil is doing a show on it. I'm looking forward to watching it. 

It can be hard when you don't have positive support of those who love you. Remember, you are your own person and her outlook doesn't have to color yours. Hopefully, you can bond and help each other out both of you having the illness. That could be a positive to work in your favor. 

Best wishes... 

Weight gain with a particular drug depends on the person. When I took Lithium alone, I actually lost weight. I also became very manic so the increased energy and activity could have contributed to that. I have also been on a mix of Ziprasidone, Topamax and Lithium that worked for me with weight control. The Topamax definitely is a weight loss drug. The Ziprasidone seems to be weight neutral, at least at low doses. 

Antipsychotics cause weight gain. I've had bad luck with Zyprexa, Seroquel, Risperidone and Abilify. Ziprasidone is the only one I was able to lose a significant amount of weight on. 

Like I said, Topamax works for weight loss and some of the other anticonvulsants are supposedly weight neutral, like Lamictal for instance. I've been on Lamictal for about a year, and although I've gained weight on it, I don't know that it isn't another one of the drugs I am taking that is causing it. But Lamictal has protected me against severe depression for some time, so it's always a trade-off. 

While the medications may cause an increase in appetite or may be sedating leading to decreased energy and exercise, our weight is ultimately decided by the calories we consume vs. the calories we burn. The only way to achieve a desirable weight is to watch what we put in our mouths and to get up an move, regardless of what medicine we are on. I know that is easier said than done, but that's the reality of it.  

I'm tired of feeling awful. I dragged my butt outside yesterday and walked four miles. Lately, I've been changing my eating habits. I still feel awful, but I feel better about myself for giving it more effort. I can't make the illness an excuse any more. 

I go to Voc Rehab too and have for almost two years. I'm still not any closer to working and I'm sick of it. I feel like I have to just get up and do it. Make my mind up that the illness isn't going to beat me and just do it. 

Hopefully I can sustain this momentum. 

Cathy goes from zero to psycho in 15 seconds? I sincerely hope that the Dr. Phil show does not sensationalize this illness on national television. First of all, the term "psycho" is pejorative. To your average viewer that means out-of-control angry and violent. To be responsible, Dr. Phil must explain psychosis in a way that dispels the notion that we are violent and dangerous to others. Otherwise he runs the risk of making people fear us. 

This is a serious disorder, but it has been my experience as someone with the classic form, bipolar disorder I, that it manifests itself in altogether different way for many of us. I exhibited a great deal of delusional thinking and behavior when I was manic and sometimes when I was severely depressed. I saw secret meaning in movies, songs, books and other external media. I thought The Today Show was being produced specifically for my benefit and that Katie and Matt were speaking directly to me. I thought a lot of peculiar things. But I was never "psycho." Most of my fantasies were just in my head and were harmless to everyone but me. I think terms like "psycho" and "crazy" are going to upset a lot of bipolar people watching your show if that is what takes place. 

Are these people taking medication? Your show needs to touch on the difficulties of bipolar people who take their medication...not just those who don't. What about our prospects for love and acceptance? I don't know, I haven't watched the show yet, so I will reserve the rest of my comments for later, but I just hope so much that the illness will be characterized accurately. The Dr. Phil Show goes out to so many people and just sensationalizing the illness could do more harm then good in the way we are perceived. 

I will write more when I've actually watched the show. 

Hi Victoria, 

Thank you for your response. I can't imagine having this illness as a child. To have it sometimes feels like someone has the remote control to your mind and is changing the channel at a rapid rate. It happens so fast and your thoughts fragment and twist off in every direction. I can't imagine how frightening and confusing that must be for a child. 

Can he articulate to you how he is feeling? An advantage I have as an adult is I can observe the thought patterns and the different types of feelings and react, learning all the time about the illness and how to combat it. Plus I can explain it to my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist and psychologist are awesome. It's great that you have great professionals working with your son. 

I think bipolar disorder mimics ADHD for a lot of people. That's because the disorder makes it difficult to concentrate. They thought I had the same dual diagnosis for a while, but it turned out to be just the bipolar disorder. I'm not saying that your son's diagnosis isn't correct at all, I'm just saying that the two illness are similar in a way. 

I respect Dr. Phil and I don't think he would sensationalize the illness, but the intro on this site concerned me which is why I wrote what I did. It is a tremendous responsibility to do a show like this and it isn't often that the illness gets this kind of exposure. 

You take care as well and I will write a follow-up after the show. 

I took this quote directly from a reputable Web site about bipolar disorder: 

Hypomania and Bipolar Disorder Type II. Bipolar disorder type II is characterized by at least one episode of hypomania and at least one episode of major depression. With hypomania the symptoms of mania (euphoria or irritability) appear in milder forms and are of shorter duration. They do not affect social or work life as dramatically, and hospitalization is not generally required." 

I'm not a doctor but based on what you are saying and what I have read it does not appear that Type II is as severe as Type I.  How can this woman claim to go from zero to psycho if she never experiences true mania? Is psychosis even possible in hypomania? I found that in a hypomanic state I am more charismatic, often times more productive.  And if she is irritable, it would be a milder form as the quote suggests. I hope Dr. Phil sheds some light on this for us. I'm curious to know if he thinks this is the illness or this lady has serious anger problems separate from the illness. 

I was watching the trailer today and he asks her if she thought she would kill her kids? You should have seen the expression on my face. I can't believe they're going to put that on the air. I have Type 1. I have been hospitalized 8 times and I have experienced all manner of oddities as the result of mania and sometimes depression. But never in my most manic of manic experiences did I feel homicidal. Especially towards my loved ones. And they know that. So I have a difficult time believing that this woman is stuggling with urges to kill based on her form of this illness. I just can't believe that that is possible. And I hope Dr. Phil makes that clear. 

Again, I'm not a doctor and maybe off her meds anything is possible. But I still have real concern that this episode will show the worst extreme of this illness and not truly characterize what the illness really all about.