Messages By: graceven

diagnosed bi-polar.  She was voted loudest mouth in high school and always embarrassed ME until I realized, what the woman on the show said today as true -- she was really embarrassing herself all along.  I am no longer embarrassed when she behaves badly, I feel sorry for HER, not myself.  I am not her.  Dr. Phil made a good point saying that the sister is "painted with the sister's brushstrokes" but any confident person would not need to validate their self-worth or esteem by a relative's bad behavior.  If my sister gets too far out of hand, I simply walk away because I don't want to hear it.  She ALWAYS feels sorry for it and regrets it (unlike your guest) but at the end of the day, she does say, "this is just who I am and either you accept me or your don't."  I accept her.  If other people can't then that's their problem.  Believe me, it's been decades of me working through this to come to the conclusion that she is making a fool of herself, not a fool of me (even when I am the butt of the verbal abuse).  I will kindly ask her to shut it, but if it doesn't work, I let her rant and know in my heart that she is troubled.  Like your guest, I believe it is the same for my sister; it is an issue of low self-esteem and she does want to be the center of attention.  Any attention is good whether it's attention for being a good person or attention for being an obnoxious person.  God bless that woman and her sister.  The consequences are dire, really, when a person cannot adjust socially because I see my sister suffer for it (she cannot keep a job and is depressed often).  The change has to come from inside the person (like Dr. Phil said, the light bulb has to want to change) and until that time, I will be my sister's sister and biggest supporter because she often needs a soft place to land.  

The big difference is the spotlight is on them.  As a recovered alcoholic for over 14 years, I know all too well the risks I took, the bad choices and the fact that it is a miracle that I didn't kill anyone (even though I did cause a car crash when I was drunk, but even that didn't stop me from drinking and doing drugs).  I credit my alcoholism to both genetics and upbringing.  My parents drank the entire time I was growing up, so I believed that it was just what all adults did (so I started when I was 14, of course).  No one could have stopped me from my bad behavior except for myself.  I had to want it.  The odd thing about my recovery was that I always knew I was alcoholic but had no plans to stop the behavior.  I had a beautiful moment of clarity followed by rehab and years of trudging the road of happy destiny.  Along that road we had an intervention for a girlfriend who was going to die from starvation due to anorexia and exercise bulemia.  That was in 1992 and she is still in her disease.  She has learned how to mask it from uneducated people, including her family, and hopes to start a family soon.  I pray she'll be able to have a child in her weakened condition; but I know she does not believe she has a problem, so in my philosophy, she does not have a problem.  I am an alcoholice because I say I am.  I believe a person is not truly an alcoholic/addict (same thing, a drug is a drug is a drug) until they admit it to themselves and to another person which makes it a reality.  I think and have seen some interventions work long-term when caught early enough, but for the most part, no matter how generous Dr. Phil is with these people, the job is theirs alone to ASK for help.  Until they want it more than the drunk, they will be drunk (even if they take no drugs - they will be "dry drunks" who, in my opinion might as well drink because they're just as miserable).  The saying "Live and Let Live" is big in AA/NA; I prefer Live and Let Die (but then again, this is God as I understand God and in my understanding, there is no death...just a passing on ~ but whatever I leave unfinished here on earth, I'm still going to have to face when I pass away, so might as well live in "heaven" while I'm on earth instead of waiting for it.  For me, so far today, that is sobriety.  Because I asked for help.  I'm glad I didn't kill anyone or myself and I'm grateful I did not catch a life threatening disease beyond alcoholism in action.  If I had, I'm sure my philosophy would be far different.  I think the best thing a parent can do for their adult children is to be good examples (even if they think it's too late) and then let their children go (third step).  They may fail and no, it isn't fair to an innocent bystander who may also be injured by the disease; but chipping away at individual cases is somewhat a waste of time.  To condratict myself though; you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, but at least they'll know where to findn the pond when they're thirsty enough.  God bless them all...