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Messages By: lsforls

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July 23, 2005, 8:13 am CDT

Hello again everyone!!!!!!!

Hi everyone,

We are finally back, I cannot believe how much I relied on this board. My log-on name is new so nobody is going to know who I am. Sorry about that, but my old one made it easy to identify me and that's what happened unfortunately.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing what is happening with everyone and I hope everyone is doing well.

Love Sunshine xxx

So nice to be back!  I was gone for a short time & all of a sudden I COULDN'T post any longer for a while! 

 

Hey Sunshine!  I bet I know who you are!!  I assume we will all have to sign up again.  I have chosen a new name so close to my old user name that I'm sure everyone will know who I am. 

 

I'm doing wonderful!  Hope you are too!  I've been thinking a lot about you & everyone else here!  Hope we can find Q again!!!  She is the official abuse board angel!!!  I think everyone would agree with me on that one!!! 

 

I have a job at the Hair Cuttery nearby & I'm doing hair in my new, just finished mini-salon too!!!  It feels SO good to have money coming in once again & not feel like I'm drowning financially!  Waiting to take my last State Board Test on August 9 & then all the plans I laid out for myself last year will be completed!!!  

 

Hard to believe that my life has changed so much since that day I declared myself a survivor of abuse!  I think I knew it all along but was in denial.  I didn't want to admit it - didn't want to bring it out in the open - because I knew what I would have to do if I did!!!  Now I'm glad I decided to go through with everything - have a much more peaceful & free life now!  It took a year & a half of having my life upside down to finally be where I am!  It wasn't easy but it was worth it!  We only live once!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

 
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July 30, 2005, 4:59 pm CDT

Hey figuritout

Don't let it bother you.  There will always be people that don't understand your situation.  It's not like you can get into every detail anyway & it's none of their business as well.  You are doing what you think is best - that's what matters!  Just trust yourself!  We were all victims at one time here on this board. 

 

My thoughts on being a "victim" - to me a victim is someone who is being taken unfair advantage of.  They may or may not realize it is happening.  I think that a true victim is one who does not know or who knows & doesn't do anything about it.  You are neither!  You are a survivor!  You are surviving, learning, & growing more & more everyday!  You are doing what you can to change your situation - this takes time.  It also takes time to heal. 

 

Give yourself a break & don't let another's lack of understanding or compassion doubt yourself.  You will have just as many people (maybe more!) who are sympathetic to your situation - people that count!  Stay strong!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

 
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August 1, 2005, 1:14 am CDT

I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 4 in the morning.  I can't sleep.  Don't know what to do!!!!!!  Last night my one daughter that's living with me temporarily because her marriage is falling apart punched my other daughter in the mouth!!!!  Daughter S has braces!  Daughter A moved 4 TEETH & we need to go to the dentist 1st thing in the morning to see if the teeth can be saved & if everything will be OK!  I told A that she would have to leave the house before the end of this day!!!!!!!!  S is at her sister's house for the night.  Short of a restraining order - which I'm trying to avoid, what can I do!!!!!!!  There is a 3 year old involved.  I am worried about what will happen with him.  A says she will have to live in her car.  I told her that I would call the police & child protective services if she did that! 

 

I gave A a chance to get her life back together here.  She has MANY problems emotionally & is seeing a therapist. I talked to A's husband about the situation.  I told him that I do not want to get the police involved if we can avoid it but I will do what I have to to protect little G!!!  I don't know where A is going to go.  At the moment, it doesn't look like her H would take her back home. 

 

So many things going through my mind.  I know the pitfalls!!  I can't allow this to give me doubts about my own situation.  I can't allow myself to blame myself for the abuse of MY past & how it all has affected my kids!! 

 

I DO want to say that if you think you can protect or shield your kids from the affects of abuse - YOU CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  These kids are 22 & 19!!!  The 22 year old should have known better - she learned too many lessons from her father!  My other girls (I have 4 total) are doing good with minimal "damage" from the past abuse.  The 22 year old is affected the most.  They are all girls.  I love ALL my daughters with all my heart.  What else can I do!!!!!!!  I have to let this go just like I had to let everything else in my life go.  I have to let God handle the situation beyond this point.  It's just so hard!  God Bless - LS   

 
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August 2, 2005, 1:34 pm CDT

Thanks Q

Quote From: qqqhhh

That is SO FAR beyond acceptable -- I am speechless.

 

So are you saying that you asked her to leave the home?  Or has she moved out?

 

I would NOT just let go of this situation. 

 

I'd be having a REALLY serious talk with your abusive daughter.  I would make her understand that what she did is ASSAULT and BATTERY and she COULD go to JAIL!  Heck maybe she ought to go to JAIL!  I think the best thing for her may be natural consequences.  It may be a great lesson for HER to live in her car.  I might even go so far as to say the I would be willing to keep her son while she lives in the car if she can't be a civil, decent human being.  I don't care how many emotional problems she has -- wrong is wrong. 

 

Don't blame your self for HER actions.  You and hubby did teach your kids to be victims/abusers, BUT they are ADULTS now and they know right from wrong. 

 

If I were your grandsons' Dad, I wouldn't take her back either and her son may be better of with his Dad while his Mom is homeless.  It's not like she can't come visit her son. 

 

Sheesh -- unbelievable. 

 

Try not to let the guilt eat away at you.  You did better when you knew better.  Your eldest is going to have some tough lessons to learn -- better that it happen now with family than with some stranger who could cause ALOT MORE harm to her or your grandchild.

 

I know it's tough.  Q

 

 

I'm feeling lots better now!!!  My younger daughter - S - just got back from the dentist & he was able to pull the teeth part way back to their original position.  Good news - no fractures, the teeth WOULD HAVE been knocked out but the braces stopped that from happening.  Bad news - we need to watch these teeth for the rest of her life - could need root canal on 3 of the teeth someday, the roots could begin to desolve!, or her teeth could turn black & need to be pulled.  BUT these things may never happen.  It's in God's hands now how well her body can heal.  She is young & healthy - the trauma could have been worse. 

 

A has moved out.  I told her that she needed to leave by the end of the day.  She actually went back to the marital house "temporarily".  The soon-to-be-X seems to be on HER side in this.  I guess she has manipulated the situation to her advantage once again!  She is a master at that!  Little G is HOME!!!!!!!  I keep telling myself that it's better for him that he's at his own house.  My house is a nice place to visit but it was never his home.  I got the key to the house back too so there will be no surprise visits. 

 

No charges were filed - not S's style (revenge).  I DID tell A that things could have been SO much worse & that she could have been arrested!  Nothing like a police record for violence to dampen the chances of custody!!!!!!!!!!  She's SO lucky! 

 

A is "angry"!!!!!!!!!!!  Unbelieveable!  SHE is angry!  Just like the father - always placing blame on others!!!  It was S's fault - she was asking for it for months!!!!!!!!!  Sound familiar anyone??!!!

 

Bottom line - she is gone from my home now & S & I have peace once again.  Hard when it's your own child that is becoming the new abuser in the family!!!!!!  INCREDIBALLY HARD!  She makes her own bed - just like her father did!  Hope she heals before she's 57 like her father!  And even HE still doesn't "get it"!!! 

 

I know I did the right thing.  Thanks for all your support!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<

 
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August 2, 2005, 1:51 pm CDT

Thanks so much!

Quote From: juballl

Allowing abuse is never the answer. If your daughter that is having marital problems, knowing she has no other place to go, can't control herself long enough while staying at your house, no wonder she is having problems in her marriage.

The one that is married, has had her chance, and she blew it. The daughter that was struck, was struck in the safety of her own home. You need to get the abusive daughter out of your house, and out of harms way of your daughter that still resides in your home, even if that means living in her car. I am sure there are shelters somewhere in the area, and if she stayed a few nights in one of those, it may wake her up enough to calm her butt down, and act like a human being. There is NEVER a valid reason for violence, unless it is protecting your life, your families life, or your "castle. I don't think any of those apply in your case.

Your daughter has committed battery on her sister. This is not just sibling squabble at this point. If she is mature enough to assume the roll of spouse, she should be mature enough to keep her hands to herself. Do you really need the extra stress? I hope this helps

I know I did the right thing.  She is gone now.  I knew I could not ignore this, bury my head in the sand, retreat to my room & cry, or try to fix it!!!!!!!!!  I tried for more than 20 years to fix her father with no success!!!  I am not about to try to fix someone else!  Separating the 2 was the first priority.  I wanted my younger daughter to feel safe in her own home again.  She deserves at least that much!  A has picked on S since they were children - always threatening to hit her if she didn't do what she wanted.  They are not children any longer!  A is old enough to know better!  You're right, she blew it!  She had a wonderful chance to get back on her feet again here in her childhood home.  Had me snowed into believing that she herself was abused & suicidal.  Sad that she used my own past against me!!!  She knows that I feel used by her - I told her several times that I felt she "played" me to get here.  She was supposed to have a job BEFORE she moved in here but she didn't - lead me to believe she was at the end of her rope so I would let her come jobless!  Borrowed the money for the 3 months she lived here for "board" from friends.  Played games on the computer all day instead of properly taking care of the 3 year old OR looking for a job!!!  

 

I also tried to teach her to keep her hands to herself since she could talk!!!!!!!!  At 22, it's obvious that I didn't succeed!! 

 

I also think that her telling me she would have to live in her car was just another play for sympathy!

 

I'm a survivor & still trying to get my life back on track - NO - I don't need the added stress & drama!!!  Had enough of that to last a lifetime!!!  Doing well otherwise.  

 

Thanks for your reply!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

 
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August 29, 2005, 4:24 pm CDT

Hi & welcome

Quote From: guiltridn

This is my first time posting. In everything I read about abuse, the word "constant" is used. I've been married 30 years. We're now separated. I left. From day one we've been fighting, but not every day. It might be 2 weeks, or sometimes 2 months or more apart. The fights start out about something like he does something hurtful or inconsiderate and instead of apologizing, gets angry at me for being upset at him, or I hurt him and he won't accept my apology, or I said something in the wrong tone of voice, but it almost always turned into a fight about sex. He then calls me a cold fish, a sexless wonder, a lousy wife and says any other man would throw me out of bed after one night. He also threatens to leave me almost every fight. I always end up apologizing for being hurt. He's said people only like me because they don't know me. He's also told me I'm "sick" because I make such a big deal about things. I've explained to him many times how much it scares me when he threatens to leave and asked him not to do it again. He agrees then does it again next time.  

   

After the blow-up, things are fine for a long time. He's very loving in bed but I have a hard time responding. My resentment has grown thru the years. He's never said he was sorry or that he didn't mean the things he said. Is this abuse, or just anger boiling over occasionally?   

Sounds like my own story.  I was married 33 years.  I was called many names over the years as well.  I was suicidal near the end before my "recovery".  Our fights always ended being about sex as well.  He would threaten to leave, told me I was worthless more times than I could count - had me believing it too!  I started my road to recovery at a stop sign.  I felt SO COMPLETELY invisible that I fell apart when the car at the other stop sign saw me & waved for me to go first!!!  I knew then I needed help.  I started reading - then reading more & then more!  I never went to councelling on a regular basis.  It was a long road - may have been a little shorter if there had actually been a counceller involved - I'll never know. It was SO hard to dig way down & find that VERY little part of me that felt - what if he's wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!  BUT - find that part I did & I built on it!!!  Reading & learning all I could really opened my eyes to what I was suffering from - abuse!  Knowledge is key to healing.  Learn all you can.  You CAN believe in yourself again - you CAN trust yourself again - you CAN love yourself again!  YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!  Don't ever forget that!  It IS abuse - no doubt about that!  You have told him time & again how it makes you feel - he doesn't care.  It's his way of controlling you.  Promising to not do it again is just the carrot that they dangle in front of you to keep you running on that hamster wheel to a destination you will never arrive at!!!  It's a cycle that YOU need to break - depending on HIM to break it is not good enough & may never happen.  After 30 years, you can chart the cycle yourself!!  I KNOW!  You can see in hind sight how things have always been & how they will continue to be in the future unless YOU make some changes in your life.  You have suffered long enough!  Don't be afraid to better your life & stop the misery!  Fear WILL keep you trapped indefinitely!  There is a life of peace for you - you just have to find it & fight for it.  I DID!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<   
 
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August 29, 2005, 4:47 pm CDT

Hi everyone!

Just to let you know - I had my State Board Test - passed it!!!  I am now a licensed Cosmetologist!!!!!!!  Nothing ahead of me but blue skies & smooth sailing!  Had enough storms in my past to last a lifetime!  People ask me what do I do now - LIVE!!!!!!!!!  Seems my life had been turned inside/out for almost 2 years now.  Takes time to get your life back on track!  IT WAS WORTH IT!  I can do as I please without answering to anyone for it & justifying what I do to anyone!  My life is MY business now & I can have ice cubes & flush the toilet or have A cookie if I want to without criticism!!!!!!!!  (all long stories of dysfunction that I'm sure everyone here could add too!)  Funny, though, how us victims seem to find each other.  A new friend of mine from school is having trouble in her marriage - guess what kind?!  So much abuse out there everywhere!   

  

The last time I posted I was having trouble with one daughter punching another.  Their relationships remains strained to say the least but the "puncher" is not here anymore so things are quiet under my own roof at least.  I don't think A has changed much - scarey part is that she could actually get to be 57 like her father & STILL never "get it"!!!  I want to help her but at 22 she's in God's hands now.   She will have to find her own way.  I have no regrets about the past & don't blame myself.  Blame is a useless emotion that will only keep you stuck in an unhealthy state of mind.  I did my best in the past - I know it.  The rest is out of my control.  I have "paid" enough for debts I never owed!!  It's MY time now.  

  

Said it before, I'll say it again - if you think you can shield your kids from the dysfunction that abuse carries along with it, YOU CAN'T!  They need to SEE that abuse of any kind WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!     

   

  

For literally the first time in my life I feel happy & at peace.  Been a LONG time coming!  In a world where nothing is perfect & so much can go wrong - I can STILL have inner peace!  AMAZING!!!  Hang in there everyone!  There IS a light at the end of the tunnel & it's REAL!!!!!!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<       

  

 
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August 30, 2005, 5:23 am CDT

Stay strong!

Quote From: guiltridn

I considered leaving when the kids grew up, but things got better for a few years. I started a business from home and he wasn't working. I said I can't work if we're at odds. He said ok, and there were a few fights in the next few years, but not nasty ones. The business failed and I started working full time. He started working for my brother(trucking), which was a bad idea, because he's always been jealous of my brother's success. He started going back to his "drinking & thinking" moods and eventually quit. He takes off work at least 2 months every winter. Winter depression I think. 

  

Everything fell apart when my father died. He got home the day of Dad's wake and was sarcastic to me. He apoligized as soon as he realized what he did, but it really affected me. A few weeks later we had a small fight. The next night when I got home from work he was drunk and said I'd been a lousy wife all of our marriage and I was a worthless piece of sh**. I started preparing myself in case I had to leave. A few months later I told him no sex until we got counceling. He actually set it up, but it was a church counceler who only talked about how you're supposed to stay married unless one cheats. Didn't even ask us about the problems. 

  

H said he would change and would never talk to a woman like that again, but in a day or two would insult me again in some way. He kept ranting about not getting his God-given right to sex. That's all he seemed concerned with. We were fighting every day, so I moved out. But I've been racked with guilt ever since. Every time I talk to him he says something to make me feel guilty. He's so hurt by this. He seems so sincere when he says he's sorry, but how can I believe him when he was never sorry before. He does acknowlege that he caused the problems, He keeps telling me how much he's changed. If the abuse stopped for a few years, could it stop again? Is alcohol a truth serum? Most of what he said was when he was drinking, so maybe he didn't mean it. He says he doesn't have a drinking problem because he can be on the road 2 weeks without a beer.  

  

I'm also scared. I'm 50 with no real skills. I worked part time cleaning while the kids were growing up. I'm only working part time right now and I have arthritis. I lost my full time job. It's been over a year since I left and still every day I argue in my head between going back and staying away. We started with a new councelor who just asks me "how has he treated you in the last week". 

Sounds like our husbands were related!!!  Everything you talk about I have lived through as well!  My H DID actually go to a rehab & was able to beat the alcoholism.  I thought my problems would be over - NOT!  The abuse was still there.  Like peeling the layers of an onion, so the healing went.  One problem after another was sort of overcome till there was nothing left but the abuse.  At 52 I was running out of time waiting for him to change & it seemed after 33 years that he would NEVER change back to the man I initially married.  STILL don't know what happened to him!     

    

Could the abuse stop for a few years again?  SURE!  But it will come right back again too!  It's the cycle of abuse.  YOU need to heal as much as HE needs to.  You have been a victim so long that you are not sure what things are supposed to be like in a marriage - your marriage has become a sick kind of normal for you.     

    

Is he truly sorry?  Probably is but like drinking, abuse happens because it's who they are.  They can promise never to do it again just like you could promise never to sneeze again but the truth is that when your body calls for you to sneeze, YOU'LL SNEEZE!  Same with them.  That's all part of the cycle too - like Q said - Abuse/honeymoon period where promises are made/tension building/abuse again.  You could substitute abuse for drinking too with the same cycle.     

    

Is alcohol a truth serum?  My opinion is that perhaps some truths come out while they are drunk but you have to remember that in this state, their thinking is altered.  With that being said, some of the things they say are said because they see things differently at that time.     

    

There are 2 problems here - alcoholism AND abuse.  Knowledge is key to recovery in both.  Al-Anon has meeting places all over & has free pamphlets available to you to help you learn how to deal with the alcoholism.  Scarey thing is that there are ONLY 3 paths an alcoholic can take -    

    

INSTITUTIONS - rehab, hospitals, jails   

DEATH - suicide, accident, murder, health related problems   

RECOVERY - this is the ONLY good one!   

    

For YOU - the co-dependant - there are ONLY 3 paths you can take - DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     

    

Even if your H did give up the alcohol, there is still the abuse to deal with.  He has become VERY good at it & you have become very good at being a victim.  Now it's time to see the game as it is & stop being a victim but a survivor!  I recommend as your first book to read - "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.  VERY eye-opening!  I cried through the whole book!  IT WAS ME!  It was SO hard to believe that what I was going through could be that common!!!  I felt SO alone!     

    

Like Dr. Phil always says - you have to acknowledge there is a problem before you can fix it.  Doesn't sound like your H is ready to admit to either of his problems but YOU on the other hand are reaching out - a good sign!  You DO know there is something wrong - another good sign!  You need to learn to listen to your inner voice - your instincts.  They were right all along!  Trust yourself again!  You will have to wipe out everything he said to you in the past that changed who you are - hard to do but possible.  Those things were said to you with the sole purpose of controlling you - that's it!  That's the game.  They were NEVER true.     

    

As for your age - PHOOEY!  I went back to school last year & as you can see by my previous post, I am a licensed beautician now!  It's never too late to turn your life around!  My H did eventually cheat.  We are divorced as of March.  Even while leaving he was STILL making promises that he would do whatever it took to win me back - he promised our daughter that he would be back (I wanted to strangle him for making what I believed were false promises to her & giving her false hopes!)!!!  So what did he do after he left?  NOTHING!  He still doesn't get it.  My guilty buttons have been disconnected.  It's MY turn to live & be happy.  I wasted enough daylight waiting for him to change!  At my age, I couldn't afford to waste any more time!!!  Neither can you!  Heal, recover, claim your right to a happy, peaceful life!  YOU DESERVE IT!  YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<         

 
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August 30, 2005, 11:19 am CDT

Abuse

Quote From: dyansny

I was recommended to try going on this message board from other member.

  

 

 First, some background information on me, I have been married for 30 years and I have 2 grown children. My husband is verbally abusive and controlling person who also suffers from clinical depression as well.  He has been on and off with his meds to control the depression with is quite normal for people with depression; however, no pills ever stop him from being less manipulative or less abusive.  We have separated, in the past, for over 6months because of his behaviour, but I agreed to go back with him because he was getting counseling to get himself help (that is when he got diagnosed with Depression).  This happened 6 or 7 years ago, and within a year he discontinued counseling and reverted back to his usually abusive self. 

  

 

  

 

I made the decision to get a separation and made steps to retain a lawyer since the beginning of January of this year. We have gone to marriage counseling in the past and more recently counseling for separation.  One of the reasons I went to counseling was the psychologist wanted to help him deal with my decision for a separation and to try to even out some of the reasons (blame) why our marriage failed.  She asked me what my role in helping to breakdown our marriage was. I told her the when we began our relationship I enabled him to treat so disrespectfully and I never stood up for myself way back then.  I was very young (16 years) when we started going out with each other.  He was never satisfied with my answer to this question, and he continues to hound me to get a response that can take more of the blame from his shoulders, but I told him that I not going to make stuff up to make him feel better about himself.  He continues to be in denial about his abuse he has inflicted on me over all this years even with help from his psychologist.

  

 

  

 

I have discontinued going to counseling together because it wasn’t really going anywhere for both of us and it was a waste of money. Now, we are just trying to cope with living with each other in the same house until the court can allow me to proceed with the sale of our house.

  

 

  

 

Thanks for hearing me out.  I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on my situation.

  

 

  

 

  

 

Sounds like your counceller wasn't a good fit for you.  What is really needed is a counceller that is more familiar with abuse situations of all kinds - especially verbal/emotional abuse in your case.   

  

Sounds also like you have made your decision to move on in your life.  I too lived with my H till the divorce was settled.  It wasn't easy.   

  

Whether he is still there or not, you can still heal & recover from the abuse of the past.  Knowledge is key to recovery - the more you know about the game of abuse & how it's played out, the less you are a victim.  Learn all you can.  There are lots of books to read - one of the best being "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.  There are also lots of web sites you can visit including -  

  

www.verbalabuse.com 

  

www.ndvh.org 

  

www.nbcf.org 

  

www.ncadv.org 

  

www.drirene.com 

  

www.endabuse.org 

  

Some other great books - "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel - "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie - "Men who hate women & the women who love them" by Dr. Susan Forward. 

  

Recovery for the abuser is very seldom achieved, however, for YOU - there is SO much more for you than what you have settled for in the past!  You have suffered long enough!  You deserve so much more - you are worth it!  God Bless - LS  >^.^< 

  

 
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September 1, 2005, 5:33 pm CDT

Hey Bedazzled!

Quote From: bedazzled

Hi, it's been such a long time since I have been back to this board, BUT I had to come back to hopefully bring some inspiration to someone, just the way the women on this board did for me when I was at an all time low.........THANK YOU XO  

   

A little about me: I was with my husband for 17years and in that time there was violence, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, affairs, it wasn't a picnic to say the least!  

I stayed because I thought one day, this man is going to see how me is hurting me and miraculously change......WRONG!  

   

I came to this board out of sheer desperation, I was at an all time low and the women here helped me more than they will ever know. I printed out replies to my posts and read them, over and over. I shed many tears for what our life had become and some degree of guilt for putting my kids through that hell.  

   

That was 2 years ago, it's been a long, long road and I didn't think I would EVER get through this and remain sane! I felt at times, my heart was breaking into a million pieces, I was willing to go another round, just as long as I was with him. I made the mistake of interpreting his ODD BEHAVIOUR as love!? I thought our love was so INTENSE, I thought we had a really passionate relationship......BUT, I know better now, it was none of those things....it was a SICK love! Oh I am sure in his own weird way he did love me, but it was not a healthy love.  

   

CONGRATS TO YOU!  It's SO great being in the light!  I'm so happy for you!  One more for our "side"!!!  I agree - it's a long road, but it's SO worth it!  I wish you all the best!!!  God Bless - LS  >^.^<
 

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