Messages By: jadaok

  (I am reposting this the font messed up above)   

I am so glad there are other step parents out there speaking up.  What most people forget is PAS Parental Alienation Syndrome.  I'm engaged to a fabulous father of two children.  All was well between his ex-wife of 10 years and their children until I came into the picture.  The daughter told me early on that she had broken her father up with ALL his ex-girlfriends, and that her mother told her to she doesn’t have to do anything I tell her. This caused a huge incident when I had to physically yank her into the car because she decided she wanted to walk home along a busy highway because she was angry that I bought her sneakers (like her dad requested) instead of some 3 inch high heels.  She was 9 at the time, and told me, “You aren’t my mother, so I don’t have to do anything you tell me.”  I had to make a life saving decision and I made it.  Surprisingly CPS wasn’t called on me that time.  

    How did I meet the ex?  My fiancé left for work one weekend when the kids were at their mothers. (The only time I ever spend the night.  He drives off and two seconds later I get a friendly tap on the door.  I yank it open thinking it’s my fiancé and find a pissed off woman who yells at me that she’s “His ex wife!”  I stuck out my hand and said, “Pleased to meet you.  Come in.”  Since she couldn’t say what she wanted, I told her that I was not trying to come between her ex husband and their children and even gave her one of the gifts her daughter had bought her and left at her father’s home by accident.  I looked out and saw that she had parked her car down the street and had snuck up to the house, I guess to ‘get me’.

   When the children would get sick, I would call her and let her know.  I even invited her to events that we planned to take the children to.  I'm talking my family picnic.  Even with all of that, as soon as we announced our engagement, the kids turned into demons.  First of all, I took off my engagement ring and left it at my fiance's house for a repair.  The son stole it.  The daughter told us their mother told him to steal it and anything else in the house.  Now why go by what a 10-year-old girl says?  Because it turned out to be true, and when the father confronted his ex-wife about it, she said, it didn't matter because he could afford to buy me new replacements, for all my items, including underwear. 

   Once that didn't break us up, CPS was called repeatedly to both of our homes to make several unfounded reports about mental and physical abuse, including not feeding the children a whole weekend, though we had video of them at an awards banquet dinner eating.  Then she started running off with the kids, every time their father showed up to pick them up.  Twice she's seen me out with the kids during their father's joint custody time and she's ordered the children to leave with her.  This happens and their father won't see them again for weeks.  When my fiance goes into court for her violating a court order NOTHING is done to her. Not a slap on the hand, not anything. Because ex-wives, and baby mamas have a free ticket to do whatever they want in the family courts without any consequences, especially if the father is remarried or has a girlfriend.  Everyone just assumes the new woman stole him away from his family, or that he’s a bad guy.  Let my fiancé not have the kids packed and standing on the curb when she shows up for her court allowed time.  You’d see the kids plastered on every Amber Alert in the country.   

      As we get closer and closer to the wedding date, the ex-wife is urging the kids to do more and more horrible things. Let’s see after the stolen ring,  the day after we announced our engagement to everyone, the ex-wife went up to the kid's school and told them I was not allowed to pick up the children.  So when I went to see the kids in a school play, all the female administrators were rude to me and wouldn't tell me where the auditorium was.  I had to wait in the office until my fiance came and said it was OK for me to attend.    

     This week, when we sent out the invitations, the kids supposedly confessed to their mother, that they suddenly remembered they had been brutally beaten about a year ago while visiting their father, and have the scars to prove it.    

   Has it ever occurred to any of you who ALWAYS defend the birth mother in every scenario, that some of these mothers are in fact bad people?  That they lie and use their kids as pawns to hurt their exes?  I thought my case was unusual, but every woman I know who loves a man with children can tell you the same story of Parental Alienation and the Malicious Mother Syndrome about the kid’s mother.  Yet every show we see on TV about the matter is always about the bad dad and evil step-mom.  Steps can't just step off, why?  Because just like the kids didn't choose their kindergarten teacher, or their parents, they can’t choose who their parents wish to be with.  Some things in life they have to learn to accept.  And these out of control mothers need to be stopped.  If they violate court orders they should be fined and thrown in jail as fast as we fine and throw fathers in jail.

    The sad, sick and sadistic word being whispered by me and female friends and family is that on the day of our wedding my fiancé will be arrested in his tux, when the ex-wife reports that their son is pregnant by his father.

   It’s come to this. Sad, sad, sad.

Some of us feel your pain.  My fiance's ex-wife (I verified through court documents) divorced him, then decided she wanted him back so she got her tubes untied and got pregnant to try to trap him a second time.  He married her the first time when they were very young because she was pregnant.  Now they have a teen and pre-teen kid together. 

It's funny how many of these biological mothers don't care enough about their kids to see what they're doing to their children when they're alienating the kids from their father.... because she's mad at him.  I think in my case, if you wanted him, you had a decade to do it, too late now. 

The kids will be playing around with their father, wearing matching shirts and introducing him as their dad, but as soon as they even think their mother is looking or listening, they turn into Mommy grenades.  It's so bad over here that my fiance' tells the kids bye an hour before they leave because 30 minutes til time for the time bomb-mommy to show up or for them to be dropped off they explode into her hate-filled creations.   His daughter and I used to enjoy going shopping together.  Her mother found out told the child I was trying to buy her love.  So now everytime we go to the mall the daughter is suspicious if I offer to give her an extra dollar to buy the Barbie she really wants.  I do the same thing with my own neices, and nephews and even friend's children.  I don't have any yet.  She and I used to like to cook together.  That's until a meal she'd eaten and helped me to prepare a dozen times, suddenly got back to her mother.  Somehow after mommy found out, it landed the child in the ER.  She had suddenly become sick to her stomach and must have been allergic to one of the ingredients.  So monster mommy sent me a certified letter ordering me to NOT force her daughter to cook my "ethnic" foods.  Included was a letter from their daughter stating that she was tired of me making her cook, while I sit down and do nothing.   That became part of their court documentation and is being used against the father, though I wrote a rebuttal.  The child still claims I made her cook.  So that ended our days of cooking together.  Next I took her to get her nails done only to find out that her mother suddenly decided that she can't get her nails done in clear nail polish until she's 14. 

    While others might read this in disbelief, I can't tell you the number of step mothers I know personally who ended up in trouble with the law, slapped with restraining orders in regard to the children, all because Mommy got mad that Daddy found someone else who loved him back. 

   Here's a book you must read. "No More Baby's Mama Drama" By Ayesha J. Gallion whom I'm becoming friends with after picking up her book.   It's the real deal on being a step mother with practical advise as to how to survive. 

    Also becareful about putting details out on this site or any others everyone watches Dr. Phil so you don't want what you post to end up in court being used against your hubby.   Flip around the age of the kids or gender just to be careful.  I got my fiance' jammed up in court when one of the kids came in and found a chat I was having on the computer about step parenting.  Just be careful. 

We all feel for the child, but this does not excuse her behavior.  No more than Myki (spelling) abusing his sister when he was minor should be excused because of deeper issues.  

    We're talking about dealing with the here and now of how the child is behaving.  What we have to keep in mind is that this is an extreme case of what's usually NOT the case.  Most stepmothers don't hate their step children, and it surprises me that this step mom would go on national TV and say it.  I just wonder if she said it out of frustration and it was the trigger word that made this story appealing for television.   

   In most cases it's the mother hating the step mother and using the kids as a weapon to get back at the father.   

   Brittany sounds like a spoiled child who is out of control, and playing all the adults against each other.  Frankly I wouldn't want her closed up in a room with my child if I knew or even thought this to be the case.  I don't believe the whole family should have to be interrupted, or that the world has to stop when Brittany goes to visit her dad.  There are other children in the home to be conscious of as well.     

   There is no reason for Brittany to have her own room at her father's house unless there are enough rooms for all the kids to have one.  It has never made sense to me why fathers are expected to present these unrealistic utopian living conditions when a mother can have a one bedroom hut and no one would complain about the kids sleeping on the floor or sleeping on the couch.  And I wonder who really has a problem with the couch, Brittany who probably likes the idea of being able access the tv when everyone is sleep and the kitchen at her disposal or her mother who reminded her that she used to be afraid of shadows in the dark when she was younger?   (Just something to think about)   Would you suggest the parents give up their room when she comes for her time with Dad?   

   Brittany's parents are divorced, she can either be made to get real about the reality of that, or forever be allowed to use it as a crutch or excuse.  I feel no more or less for her than I do the  nearly and some say more than the 50% of all kids whose parents will or have divorced during their childhood.   

   I believe that Brittany's mother is likely to be using her as a pawn like most of the baby mama's and ex-wives I know and know of. And as I mentioned, you can't choose family.   Nor can you choose who your boss hires to work with you, nor can Brittany choose her 6th grade teacher.  Some things in life you can't change or choose you just have to accept.  A stepmother is one of them.  Just think of it as training ground for how you'll have to manuver through life and people you might not necessarily love. 

   And as a step mother you should know that if your husband's ex wife was mean, evil or had issues of her own, your harmony with your step children wouldn't be are harmonious.  It takes three people to make things go smoothly for Brittany, and all you have to have is one malicious jealous person whether that be the step mom, the father or the mother and you'll have the receipe for disaster.    

  We saw Brittany holding a teddy bear and talking sweet and innocent.  My soon to be step daughter does too, until she wants to act out, then she'll step to me like a grown woman with her hands on her hips to tell me what she's going to do or not do.  I wouldn't let a strange kid step to me like that, I'll be ---- if I'm going to let a little girl that I care about and will be family with, act that way.  If we just teach kids to respect adults period we wouldn't have to be try to play that we believe we're equals or allies with them.   We could just love them without them disrespecting us or disrupting everyone's life, including their own. 

    My step daughter and Brittany  are little girls who are no more confused than any other little girls with divorced parents.  And remember in my case my step daughter's parents were never married or lived in the same home her entire life, so there's no adjusting in my case, daddy and mommy never lived together her whole life and both mommy and daddy have had boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but this time is different because daddy is going to have a wife.   

   And now Daddy can see past his ex wife using the kids as tools to make him unhappy and he can be happy with someone who actually wants him to be happy.   He doesn't jump through hoops or have to go alone without a witness to document that the mama is holding the kids for ransom. I go or our arsenal of young married friends will volunteer to go from the church.  Before me, all my fiance had were a few buddies and his kids.  He doesn't allow himself to be held hostage by his ex-wife, and if she really does turn the kids on him as she's sworn she'll do, he knows he won't be left alone. 

    I think this is the case with Brittany, and the ex wife, baby mama or whatever sitting in the audience was having a field day on all of this.  But no matter how angry my step daughter may make me, I'll never announce to the world that I "HATE" her.  If I ever heard an adult say they hated my step daughter, I might haul off and slap them in the mouth.  He just sat there.  ((((scratching my head and wondering how he didn't slither out of the chair since he obviously misplaced his spin)))) The one word "HATE" probably has him on supervised visits at $70 per hour and a restraining order on his brilliant new wife.   What were they thinkin'? 

How about Zoloft?  That's my weekend cocktail when the kids are with their father and I'm not out of town by choice.  LOL 

   My step kids have allergies.  I was so thrilled when their doctor suggested Benadryl.  He said non-drowsy but I asked if regular would work.  "Well yes" he answered "If you want them to sleep most of the day away."  I asked for the regular then drove about a hundred to the Pharmacy to buy it. 

    Meds are a good thing.      

But I do disagree with this statement you made. 

When people have kids the kids should become their primary focus. They give up their right to be selfish about their own needs.  

A parent can only do the best they can and the best they know how and the best they learn to do.  A parent can't cotrol another human.   In the case of the step-mother who said that her step-son was "incorrigible" my neice is the same way.  This means no matter what good influences he had in his life, anyone could walk in and he'd follow them off the deep end?   I can understand that step-mother wanting to keep her home safe, and I'm sure the father as well.  I'm guessing the boy wasn't put out just because of something the step-mom made up.   So what are the details of that case?  I bet you it's more than just a kid being incorrigible.  Does that mean that no matter how hard his father tried to help him, he we go home to his biological mother and she could tell him he should plant drugs in his father's home and he'd do it? 

   The fact is people have to keep themselves safe. Period.   

Yes it was the mother of the children who kidnapped them and moved cross country with her new man.  The fact that she violated a court order.  The fact was ignored by Dr. Phil and the law in their state.  If Tim had run off with the children, we know he'd be in jail and she (the mother) would have full custody.  That's especially if Tim had a new younger wife, and admitted like the mother in the first story that she wanted the new spouse to replace the biological one.  The women in the audience would have pulled out a rope to hang Tim with.  But it's different for women.  

     I feel sorry for Tim.  Here in America women are rarely held accountable when they break court orders where child custody is concerned.  And the courts don't help either.  I'm sure just as Dr. Phil did jumped on Tim, when Tim went to court to have the mother held accountable for kidnapping and moving the kids across the country, all they did was start in on him to try to find something he did wrong that would justify it.  

    My fiance's wife did the same thing with their kids.  The cops wouldn't even file a police report though we begged them three times in two counties.  They called it a child custody matter and told him to take it to court.  When he got to court the judge asked for the police report and like Dr. Phil they assumed he had done something wrong or deserved it.   The mother sat there all innocent and teary eyed.  When they walked out of court she laughed in his face.  That's what the mother probably did after the Dr. Phil show.  Tim came to get help and got dissed and stomped on instead.  Then you wonder why guys flip out. 

   The second story was another example of a father pushed over the edge.  Did anyone catch that the father in that case took the kids because he feared the mother was going to take them away from him?  Did it ever occur to anyone that the mother might not be a good mother? And that just like some women are willing to go to jail to keep their kids safe from an abusive father, the father of the missing children might be doing the same noble thing?  We don't know his side of the story, but there's some reason that NO ONE will tell the mother where the children are.  Maybe they know something we don't know.  And maybe the dad is willing to hold out until the kids get 18 because he thinks it's the right thing to do, and not just to be mean. 

Here's more reading for you 

http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view.php/id/80 

Step mothers are all wicked.  The mother in this case got off way, way too easy.  But when Brittany gets finished using threats to go live with her father to get away with any and everything, she'll be begging her ex-husband and wife to help her.  I've seen it dozens of times.  Right now mom can convince her that she's cool and that dad and stepmom are evil but kids change when they become teens and the cool parent is the one they grow up and think they hate.  There's really no reason for the world to revolve around Brittany because her parents got divorced like millions of other kids.  Frankly I am tired of kids thinking they run their parents.  And ex-wives and baby mamas thinking that they come before the wives just because they have children by your husband.  Here's the hierchy in our family. 

1. God 

2. Our marriage union 

3. Kids