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Messages By: thejewelfmga

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September 12, 2008, 3:28 pm CDT

Too much pain!

In 1972, when I was 14, a carload of friends picked me up at my new home.  As I was the poorest of "poor white trash,"  I made the comment that I didn't know why my Mom chose to move into that N---shack.  As one of my black friends was sitting in the back seat, I was immediately mortified.  As I turned and apologized to him, the look of hurt on his face was branded into my heart forever.  I had terribly hurt a friend over a lousy word.  I never used it again.  As a teacher, I did not allow it in my classroom regardless of race.  As it invariably came out during each school year, I told my story hoping to share the pain and shame that word carries.

As for the "getting over it" comment that upset your guest so badly, I DO agree.  The division in our country is economical not racial.  Shoot, most blacks looked down on ME because I was white and so what was my problem that we were so poor. Also, I once shared my shame with a black female friend of mine about being fearful of telling 2 black, male teenagers to knock it off as they bounced a basketball in the road at 9:00pm.  She reassured me she TOO would have been more hesitant approaching blacks as oppossed to white, male teenagers.  Consequently, it is my absolute belief that the issue is economics and the behaviors that usually (though not always) follow with this socio-economic status that causes division in America.  Of course, some of the negative, defensive, blaming attitudes demonstrated on your show adds to this chasm.  I too get upset when I am blamed for what others did.  My ancestors were in the sharecropping fields alongside blacks, mexicans, whatever.  America, let us move forward and heal.

 
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September 13, 2008, 5:07 pm CDT

I miss my daughter everyday.

Quote From: vsplacy

My daughter was born with a half of a heart and they did not expect her to live past 2 years old.  She lived until she was 13 in February of 1996.  I was so blessed to have her that long and I still miss her everyday.  When she started going through puberty her body just could not handle it and she went into congestive heart failure in Sept. 1995 one month after her 13th birthday.  She suffered terribly for the next several months and then January 28, 1996 she had a massive seizure and was rushed by ambulance to the childrens hospital. Because of the fluid build up in her body, her stomach was full and she had not eaten for 2 weeks except for tiny bites.  She was malnourished and very weak but the doctor's had said there was nothing we could do for her.  I knew that she would never leave that hospital again. She passed away a week and one day later.  Her organs were shutting down and she was so swollen and malnourished that it hurt for me to even touch her.  It was so sad because her mind was still healthy and she was saying she was happy to be at the hosptial because she always gets better at the hospital............she had no idea that she was dying.  I cannot explain the pain in my heart.  She was so very sick but she still was thinking of others, drawing pictures for the girl that was in the room with her because she felt sorry for her (awww) and worried because I wasn't sleeping or eating, that is just who she was.  Monday, February 5th changed my life forever.  They came in to take her blood pressure so they could put a Pic line in to get her some nutrients and they did not find a pressure so they thought it was the machine so they went to get another machine and tried again, this time again no pressure, all this time my daughter had her eyes shut.  She would always shut her eyes when they did something that was hurting I guess she would go to her happy place, that is what I taught her to do.  Anyway, after trying to take her blood pressure again she started retching and since she could not sit up because of the pain I ran over with my hands cupped to try to keep it from getting all over her...............it was pure blood.  I remember looking at her and saying "Oh my God, baby you are going to be ok, sweetie just go back to your happy place, everything will be ok.  She passed out after the second time of throwing up and stopped breathing then at 2:10 her heart stopped.  There was so much blood and the nurses said that she probably threw up all the blood in her body.  The doctor came in and said that when they took her blood pressure it was just too much and it burst the main artery in her lung and she bled to death.  This was my real life, heart shattering event that is forever burned into my mind.  I remember standing there after she had passed and looking at the body that had carried and tortured my daughters spirit and saying I hate that body so much for taking her beautiful soul away from me.  She would have turned 26 this year and has been gone for 12 years...........It seems like yesterday that I witnessed her death but seems like forever since I have seen, hugged, kissed or spoke to her.....................Please love every moment good and bad you have with your children because you never know when they will be called home.  God bless
You have my complete, hearfelt sympathy.  My 21yo daughter had 2 surgeries within a couple weeks of each othr. She had complained of headache and nausea since the first.  I got her out of the hospital on Thursday, and she went into seizures on my LR floor Monday.  The ambulance got lost.  Every time I would touch her, she would go into another seizure.  By the time the ambulance arrived, her lips were purple from lack of O2.  In all, it took almost 30 min. to get her to the hospital.  They unplugged her 2 days later, although I begged for more time.  She had 2 children (10mos and 22mos) who had lived with me since birth.  My 2 other daughters blamed me for her death because I did not perform CPR.  I ended up loosing one daughter to death, two daughters to grief (we are estranged), both grandbabies, and my home, car, breeding dogs, etc. do to lawyer fees and no medication coverage. Everything was lost.  My health is too poor for me to develop new friends or support system.  My prognosis is 3-5 yrs.  Therefore, I sit daily and weep for ALL that was lost ---alone---waiting to die.  I do not know how to move forward even if my life expectancy was longer.  I agree with your sentiments.  A blogger above claimes she had nothing to do, but see her grandbabies.  I consider her blessed.  I would cut off my legs just to SEE my babies.  I WILL pray for you, but have no words to offer---just my empathy.  I have never believed in the adage, "Misery loves company."  Knowing someone else hurts does not make me feel better at all.  It just makes life seem more filled with pain and loss.  People encourage you to be positive.  How can you do this when ALL, ALL, ALL you had was lost and you do not have the health to be master of your own fate, or just someone to watch a TV show with even.  I don't know.  I admire your ability to deal with her illness for so many years.  Take care and God bless.
 

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