Quote From: ritehere OK, so you're saying that you thought your husband was being faithful until after his stroke when you found evidence that he was still carrying on the same sad saga of porn and setting up meets with people. Don't worry about your words, they are apt. You HAVE been crapped on, more than once.
What I was asking was what has changed this time?
He has never been a good husband, and you have caught him in the past in infidelities and lying. Yet you stayed with him. You do admit that part of the reason you stayed was because he always provided for you and the kids. You don't have to say anything on these boards if you don't want to, but you MUST be brutally honest with yourself. Did you settle for this arrangement because it enabled you to take care of your children better than you could have as a single parent? Did you delude yourself about what he was up to because it was easier to do so than to divorce him and have the kid's lives uprooted again? And now that he has had a stroke you may have to see more of him in the future than you care to, and THIS is what has you contemplating leaving him? I would add, is this why you feel guilty and protest that you DO love him, etc etc etc?
Understand, I'm NOT judging you. I know all too well what it feels like to be trapped in a marriage that seems to be all in favor of the one who is lying and cheating. What you have is a crisis. He has been slapped with his mortality and you are not so sure you can muster the proper sentiments, especially in the face of the latest discoveries.
I can't tell you what to do, beyond what I have- face your demons. If you really believe that he will revert to his former ways when he is better, then maybe it's time to take stock of your life and what you have been deluding yourself about all these years.
So that means things have to change. I can sense in your posts the reluctance, the wishing it would all just resolve itself and life go on much as it did before. I know this feeling also, he made the mess, he should have to do all the work. The thing you have to realize is that you enabled him to get away with it all these years. He may have developed some nasty habits, but you let it get swept under the rug. I know how easy that is when you're raising kids, when your husband is uninvolved, you tend to put the kids above the marriage. When he doesn't beat you and pays the bills and leaves for periods of time, it helps you to set up your life in a way that gets you through the day. It's not a glamorous life, but you feel "normal." Until things are upset and there's no going back. (This is the "change" I wanted you to zero in on.)
Dr Phil recommends that you work your way out of a marriage, by availing yourself of counseling and anything else that you can try. My suggestion is that if your husband is truly remorseful, but doesn't seem to be doing much to make it up to you, YOU need to fill in the blanks for him. Decide what you need from him and let him know. Hold him to any agreements he makes with you. Beware of ultimatums though, like "I'll divorce you if you ever___again" unless you are absolutely prepared to back them up with action.
I think the most undeniable fact through all this is how much I really do love him and I do know that he loves us. We truly have a soulmate type of relationship but I despise his lack of respect. (Surprise-the man has NO friends that he associates with whatsoever.) He hates the self destructive behavior he has as much as I do and I see this as no different than a situation with drug addict or alcoholic. It really is an illness and I think my own guilt is a huge part of what is making me stay too. I believe you don't just walk out on someone while they are down.
As far as what you mentioned about having to be around him more goes-his work schedule either has him in another state or country or completely home. He does not go to an office daily. We are either 100% or nothing. My biggest gripe right now- I confronted him over a month ago and although he wrote me an extremely honest, enlightening letter, he has made no effort to get himself into counseling as he said he would.
I think part of the reasons I have not left him: Yes, income has a lot to do with it, our rural location, the fact that this is my third marriage and I hate to say I made another poor choice, which, realistically I have known for a long time. I made mistakes early in life that I still pay for and with children involved it makes me look at all perspectives considering it is not all about me but more so about them. As far as his nasty habits go-he does acknowledge that his lying was there long before me. He has a constant need to nourish a poor ego. Obviously his self esteem is incredibly low. (Yes, mine must be right now too, I know.....) He is now released from physical therapy so his stroke is not an issue. My own mother is more than likely dying from cancer and is 8 hours away. I keep thinking about how much I need to be there with her rather than here where I do not feel respected or appreciated. Of course the children have school so that is a stumbling block for me where that is concerned. I feel like I need space but am scared to take it! And yes, I am at a point of ultimatum that I am ready to back up!
