Messages By: lostgirl

I was diagnosed this year by a Psychiatrist in May with 5 mental illness after being in the emergency room several times. I could not figure out why I had all this rage inside of me, and all this turmoil where my emotions was up and down all the time. I even went to counseling the first person she helped me a lot she told me that I still had a lot of anger and rage inside of me. She moved away and I found a new counselor couple years later. I was with him four 4 years, he said I made a lot of changes but I felt I never did. I still felt crappy inside with all these emotions going up and down inside of me. After 7 years of counseling, I felt it was a waste of time. Like I said before I was diagnosed with all these illnesses he kept on telling me he does not believe I had some of these illnesses. I paid this man thousands of dollars and told him Phil how I was feeling and I felt I was not ready to leave therapy yet. This was not fair to me that he never sent me to a Psychiatrist and now I'm angry about it this is hog wash. 

Now I suffer from bipolar1, borderline personality disorder, reactive attachment disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and PSTD. I wonder why I can't work went through 50 jobs in 15 years, with these disorders it's hard to hold a job and have relationships with other people in my life. It's been hard to trust others, from the abuse I went through as I was growing up. Now I have a new counselor she is not charging me to help me. Phil I feel a lot of pain inside and still have this rage inside and suicidal inside I can't take this pain anymore.  

I suffer from bipolar1, borderline personality disorder, reactive attachment disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and PSTD and depression. What I didn't know that I had these disorders all my life, they have gotten worse over the years. Now finding out is devastating to me and made me very angry, and I wished somebodt told me earlier so I could of taken of the problem. Ten years ago I got sober, and after I've been sober for a while I still felt these emotions were going up and down. No matter how hard I try to take care of myself and try to heal I felt I was not going no place with my life. I went to counseling the first time ten years ago to try to heal from the past. I was in so much pain I could not even leave my place I was scared of everything and the pain was so great. I thought I was dying from the pain from the past I had awful things happen to me. Now today I still suffer and the depression at time it's so great at times I just isolate from the world and can't even leave me place at times. 

All I want to is let go of the past for some reason I can't let go of it I still suffer from the pain. The way my family treated me and banded me as a child they gave up on me. I'm so tired of living this way, and try to get honest with me but why is this pain still here? Why wont it go away? 

After 10 years trying to take of this pain away but I feel I'm doing something wrong? Am I failure?  

What am I doing wrong? There are times I want to give up because I've done all I can to take care of this problem. I've been in counseling for 7 years all together I think it's a waste of time for me, I still feel like a piece of crap. When I get depress I run and hide from the world, and want to be left alone.  I've done all I can to get help here even on meds, I still something is mssing here. I'm very angry I feel nobody is listening to me at times, I feel they think they are right and I'm always wrong. I feel at times people take advantage of me because of my illness.  I feel like a piece of junk and worthless hopless and worthless.  

I do appreciate to your repsonse, that is very nice of you I do need a lot of prayer and I'll prayer for you too. I do struggle a lot with my mental illnesses it's also hard to be in a intimate relationship. I'm on medication for my biploar 1and  thats hard also.  I was diagnosed this year in May for it, on top on the other mental illnesses it's hard also.  My past was so traumatic, I'm trying to go on and let go and let God. I'm finally starting to trust God, after all these years I'll be turning 40 soon.  One day at a time for me and deal with my depression and RAGE. I pray and ask God to help me :0) 

Thank you so much for your support :) 

XOXOXOX 

decide to leave my boyfriend, because all of the verbal abuse he has put me through over the months. He has objectify me, and hurt me so bad so I'm so tired of the crap he has put me through and I know my rage does not help. I'm trying to work on my rage and anger being on medication does help me. With my mental illness, does help and it's hard to have a relationship with anyone because of my mental illness. My rage goes to extremes, it irritate it because of me being in a relationship. I've had enough!!!!! He had sex with me while I was sleeping, wonder why he was watching my sleeping patterns and wanted me on meds. I'm on meds for bipolar1 and he told me I need to be on meds, he is right but the meds put me into a deep sleep. He took advantage of me, and had sex with me while I was sleeping, and I was so sore when I woke up. I'm so scared of this man scared he might hurt me. It would get worse if I stayed with him, so I decided I had enough of his BS and done for good. I'm sick of men abusing me, and treating me like crap so I'm going to work on myselfand stay out of relationships for a while. He called me names, threaten to hurt me using me and manulate me for so long. I rather be alone than put up with this crap, I'm going to  cry and hurt for a while because he hurt me so much. 

decide to leave my boyfriend, because all of the verbal abuse he has put me through over the months. He has objectify me, and hurt me so bad so I'm so tired of the crap he has put me through and I know my rage does not help. I'm trying to work on my rage and anger being on medication does help me. With my mental illness, does help and it's hard to have a relationship with anyone because of my mental illness. My rage goes to extremes, it irritate it because of me being in a relationship. I've had enough!!!!! He had sex with me while I was sleeping, wonder why he was watching my sleeping patterns and wanted me on meds. I'm on meds for bipolar1 and he told me I need to be on meds, he is right but the meds put me into a deep sleep. He took advantage of me, and had sex with me while I was sleeping, and I was so sore when I woke up. I'm so scared of this man scared he might hurt me. It would get worse if I stayed with him, so I decided I had enough of his BS and done for good.  

decide to leave my boyfriend, because all of the verbal abuse he has put me through over the months. He has objectify me, and hurt me so bad so I'm so tired of the crap he has put me through and I know my rage does not help. I'm trying to work on my rage and anger being on medication does help me. With my mental illness, does help and it's hard to have a relationship with anyone because of my mental illness. My rage goes to extremes, it irritate it because of me being in a relationship. I've had enough!!!!! He had sex with me while I was sleeping, wonder why he was watching my sleeping patterns and wanted me on meds. I'm on meds for bipolar1 and he told me I need to be on meds, he is right but the meds put me into a deep sleep. He took advantage of me, and had sex with me while I was sleeping, and I was so sore when I woke up. I'm so scared of this man scared he might hurt me. It would get worse if I stayed with him, so I decided I had enough of his BS and done for good.