Messages By: ontiptoe

Well, it's been the craziest summer of my life!   Hard to believe it's fall already.

This year has been so very difficult with my husband.  The best thing about it was it finally brought out the abuse to me and fully realizing that I must get free from it.

So much junk!  And I recall even on our last anniversary (new year's eve) thinking that we wouldn't last the year.  The major issue, which he doesn't see is an issue, is his alcoholism.  He's admitted to it, and in the spring, he said "Well, you knew I was an alcoholic when you married me.  You just have to accept me the way I am!"   Thankfully, even then, I was smart enough to reply, "I don't have to accept your bad behavior, and your unhealthy choice to live that way!  I believe in change and I want a change in my life." 

It was nearly losing our home last month and the threat of this taking place for three months which brought  me to really take some action.   I ended up, a week before our eviction hearing, calling shelters and safe houses.  He was in and out, and each time he was "in" he was so disrespectful, non-communicative and absolutely refused to have any type of civil conversation about our problem.  Let alone devising a solution to the problem.  He was always focusing on HIS financial struggle, and how he couldn't afford to pay rent!  My apartment is owned by the housing authority and we rent it based upon income.  Our rent has been only $100. per month for the past two years.  I have lived in this place for 15 yrs.  Letting him move in with me, from living in his truck for two years, was the biggest mistake! 

Anyway, my level of frustration with him over this thing almost cost me my life!   I was suicidal, seriously considering driving my car off an overpass or something!  The thought of how much that would hurt the kids kept me from it.  I have twin daughters, 8yrs(not his bio kids, but he's been here since they were babies).  We have two kids, son 6 yrs and our little "after surgery surprise" daughter who is 3yrs.  They are the sweetest, most wonderful children ever!   And they need me to be the healthy parent who cares, sees to their needs and makes sure they are safe and happy at home.  While my husband claims to care about them, and he does show them affection and cares for them on occassion, most often, it's his needs that come before theirs. 

The last weekend before our eviction was proof of this, in my mind.  We were being evicted because two years ago he emptied two storage units of junk into the basement of our apartment.  He piled his junk(most of it has NEVER been used) up to the rafters downstairs.  So much that the housing came in and saw this as a serious health hazard; fire danger and such!   Well, they gave us all of last year to get rid of it, and he didn't act.  Then when they came in the spring this year, he knew what was necessary and STILL refused to clean it up, or get rid of anything!   Then he blamed me for not doing it, even though it's all HIS heavy crap like roll away tool boxes, tons of industrial type tools, furniture, shelving and office table tops, file cabinets... just ton's of heavy crap like that!   Well, we were down to the wire for inspection, he rented storage again.  Then proceeded to make me move all MY personal business inventory, crafting materials, yarn, and fabric from my upstairs sewing room into this storage.  Nevermind HIS crap downstairs that I asked him repeatedly for YEARS to get out.  He even had our pastor who performed our wedding over to help him move it out and he went right along with coaxing me to pack up all my work supplies!

Well, anyway, we didn't pass that inspection.  The final word came on June 1st.  From then until Sept 13th we had time to make other arrangements for housing.  If we had been healthy enough to sit down together and really address our financials in June, make a plan for moving by Sept it might have been done.  But, NO!  He refused to have ANY useful conversation about our situation for the entire summer!  And when we were down to the wire, the very last weekend to find an alternative home for his children, he went out and rented ANOTHER storage unit.  Came back here as I had some folks over to take some of the junk away; giving away furniture that we didn't need or use to someone who would use it.  He called the cops and tried to file charges against me for theft!  And for a man who was SO broke, he could afford to buy storage for his crap BEFORE deciding to house his own family!  How sick is that???

Well, that was the real END!  I contacted a safehouse, first with the intention of getting info about a restraining order.  They offered us housing, two days before our hearing.  The next day, while chatting with girlfriend about my situation, I suddenly flashed that he owned a sawed-off shotgun.  He had taken me downstairs sometime last summer to show it to me.  I was shocked then and asked to him get rid of it.  Well, with the present animosisty and the way he was so abusive emotionally, I thought it was a small step, if he felt his control slipping away, to him using that gun.  So, we went to the safehouse that very day. 

Our big miracle came in court.   We got a reprieve from housing to buy more time to clean up.  And the threat of losing my home and how he acted around it was plenty to put an end to the abuse.  So, the day after court, I tried to get a restraining order.  Judge refused me saying I needed to file in divorce court first.  Housing changed the locks on the apartment at my request that day.  Good thing I decided to stay another night in the safehouse.  He broke into the place sometime that night or the next morning.  When we did come home the next afternoon, he was here.  I drove to the nearest pay phone to call cops and a neighborhood cruiser was there.  I asked the police to escort us home and remove him.  They were like, "well ma'am, we can't keep him from the premises without a restraining order.  You are married."  Even after I showed the cop my lease, proving he was NOT on it, and didn't live there, still they said, "you're married".   He left before we got back and when cops went into the apartment they refused to take a "breaking and entering" complaint, saying there was no evidence of a break in.  BOY!  I was pretty frustrated with this city that day!

Well, since then I survived a bout with pneumonia, submitted the necessary paperwork with housing to hopefully keep our place, lived for several weeks with NO income, got help from our social worker to pay rent for Sept, got help from another agency which helps victims of DV to get my phone service restored after he had it shut off, filed for divorce and obtained a permanent restraining order.  And I don't regret it all!  Terrible that I had to have all that stress; the physical symptoms, I'm still dealing with.  I have constant chest pain and worry often that I'm having heart trouble or developing another blood clot in my lung(I've survived two). 

 But, I'm thankful today that he's out of our house.  I'm especially grateful when I see our son.  He's grown up so much in these past few weeks.  One thing I noticed, he was starting to mirror his dad's disrespectful behavior towards me.  He would ignore me when I asked him to do stuff, and it was reported he was acting out in school and ignoring his teachers there too.  Since his dad has been gone, his behavior has improved 100%!  He's kind, considerate and respectful.  When I ask him to do something he replies, "Yes, mother" and sometimes he does things without even being asked.  This is the best reward!

Please, if you are enduring an abusive relationship and you have children, remember it's not just you who is suffering.  Your kids are feeling the abuse too.  If you can't get out for your own sake, do it for your kids!  They need you to be free from that.  And, would you want them to grow up to be abusive partners, or victims of an abusive partner too?  Think about it and gather the strength you have within you to break free!

God Bless and know we're pulling for you, praying for your safety and health and you are not alone in your struggle.

Ruth

I went through the same thing when my older son was a baby.  His dad was abusive; emotionally, verbally, psychologically and finally, physically.  He beat me while I was pregnant.  When our boy was four months old he would come over and constantly threaten to take our boy.  I found out that without a permanent order of custody, he could take our baby and I would have a fight to get him back.  He used that threat of taking the child to control me as well as many other methods.  I finally went to court and got a restraining order against him.  I was still in love with him when I did this.  I thought, or hoped, that this would make him wake up to his bad behavior and want to make some changes.  It didn't. 

He married another woman and fought me for the next four years to win custody of our child.  He eventually won, after getting people to testify and tear down my character as a mother in court.  I lost all my friends, support and self esteem through this whole process.  And the worst outcome; I lost custody to the state of my oldest child.  I eventually felt trapped into signing over parental rights so she could be adopted.

Anyway, don't believe his talk.  Love him, but protect yourself and your child.  And if you can't get enough strength to keep yourself safe, do it for your son.  Think about what kind of example he would be exposed to by seeing this man beat you as he's growing.  Boys who grow up seeing abuse, become abusive men themselves.  Not all, but most. 

Also, you mentioned something about the violence occuring because you"have a mouth that produces words like they're bullets".  THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!

Please understand, you did not deserve or earn a beating, choking or any other physical behavior your partner inflicted on you.  This is HIS choice to treat you this way and it is entirely INAPPROPRIATE in any relationship.  It is flat out WRONG and in the USA it is a CRIME!  Thankfully, your local juris prudance thought so too and had him jailed for it.  If you choose to allow this type of person back into your life there are some consequences you will most likely reap.

1.  He will hurt you again.  And since he's familiar and not working to impress you, it probably will happen very soon after you let him come home.

2.  He will hurt your baby.  He may not have done it yet, but your boy is young.  As he grows, and as parenting him becomes more of a challenge, this man probably doesn't have the capability to keep himself from getting out of control.  He claims to love you, and he got out of control with you.  He is likely to hurt your child as well.

3.  You will be subject to criminal action by your local social services.  If you choose to have this abusive man in your life, the local juvenile court will see that you are knowingly putting your child at risk for abuse too.  They can move in and remove your son to foster care to protect him, and prosecute you for Dependency and Neglect for your failure to protect him.  You could face at least parenting classes and social services involvement in your life.  At most, a jail sentence.

A side story:  Nevaeh Gallegos was three years old.  Her mother had an on again/off again relationship with a man who should have been registered as a sex offender.  He was not.  At one point, the dept came in an investigated an allegation that little Nevaeh had been molested by this man.  Her mother refused to cooperate with the department for long term monitering.  She continued to see this man and to let him care for Nevaeh while she worked.  One day she came home from work to find her baby dead.  She was scared and let the murderer of her daughter convince her to make up a story about abduction and they proceeded to hide her body in a park about half a mile from where I live.  The police very quickly figured out that this child had not been abducted.  Two days later, they found her body in a black trash bag in a ravine of the park.  Both mom and the boyfriend were jailed, but later released due to lack of concrete evidence.  They police are still trying to gather enough evidence to prosecute this case.

I'll bet Nevaeh's mother thought this guy was essentially good.  That he would never hurt her baby.  That she could trust him alone with her.  She must have, because it's hard to imagine any mother leaving her baby alone with someone she KNEW might hurt or even kill her.  And the very sad part is this sweet innocent little girl, who was "heaven sent" didn't get to live her life.

The Final consequence of continuing this "relationship" is:

4.  DEATH!   You and your son could end up dead.  Don't take it lightly, it happens to hundreds of thousands of women every year who try to keep themselves safe from abusive partners.  Especially after a long term relationship and an attempt to get free.  Women in this place are 10 times more likely to end up dead by their estranged partners.

I'm reading a great book now:  "Ditch that Jerk:  Dealing with Men Who Control and Hurt Women" by Pamela Jayne.  In it she talks about how most abusive men who are jailed for their crime are not "rehabilitated" by their time in jail.  Over 95% end up committing the same crimes again within a year.  Trust me, if you let him in, you will be his next victim too.

Take care of YOU.  Don't let this guy back into your life.  Go to court now, tell the the judge that you fear for your life and the life of your child when he's let out and get a restraining order.  It will be easy to have him served now while he's in jail.  Cut off all ties, and contact with him.  Don't make or take phone calls.  Don't write or receive letters.  Make it clear that you are THROUGH and allow yourself to move on.  YOU DESERVE MUCH MORE!!!!  SOOOOO MUCH MORE!!!   Please, dear, don't sell yourself short or put your son in any more danger.

Also, protect your mothering of him by filing for full legal custody.  Do it now!  ASAP!  And take care of you and your baby.  Keep us posted on your progress too.

God Bless.

Here is a resource for you:

At the National Domestic Violence Hotline… We believe that every caller deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. We believe that every family deserves to live in a world free from violence. We believe that safe homes and safe families are the foundation of a safe society.

Until the violence stops, the hotline will continue to answer…One Call at a Time. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

PLEASE, PLEASE.... Make the call to safe your life and the life of your children!  It is very common for abuse to get much worse for victims during pregnancy.  You need to make tracks to get out of now while you can still walk and protect not only yourself, but your unborn child.

I had some experience too with JWs.  There is NOTHING biblical about their theology.  They have re-written the bible to make up their own doctrine.   They do NOT believe in the deity of Jesus or the Holy Spirit.  I was saved from my association with them by being baptized in the Holy Spirit.  It's amazing how quickly the elders stopped darkening my door when I began to speak in tongues!  Help yourself and your son hon.  Get out and save your life.

You will be in my constant prayers and keep us posted on your progress.

I'm finishing a fantastic book now about abusive men.  It's called "Ditch That Jerk" and describes three levels of abusive men.  What your husband is doing is classic "gaslighting" or "crazy making", by minimizing his bad behavior, shifting the blame to you and making you doubt your perceptions of the experiences.  Trust your instincts.  YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!

We are here, we care and we will pray for your safe exit from this chaos.  God Bless.

I just borrowed the book you mentioned from the library last week.  It's called:  "It's all too Much" by Peter Walsh.  I haven't cracked it open yet, though.  Been busy reading another awesome book that relates to my recovery from an abusive marriage(you can read my shared diary "Are you Ready for Divorce?").  It's called "Ditch That Jerk" and much of the descriptions in there of abusive men also relates to how we can come to a realization of our "authentic self".  I'm reading the chapter about Power right now.  She makes a clear distinction between "personal power" and "controling power".  Realizing our ability to take "personal power" over our own lives allows us to become "authentic selves".

Anyway, I relate to your comment about flylady too.  I've been on her message boards for years.  Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed by her "reminders" and stuff.  I also end up ignoring many messages or just deleting them unread.  But, there are still some principles which are helping a LOT.  Especially that one about reminding yourself that you're not "behind", and you can jump in where you're at.  Set that timer and jump into a task.  I have to do this when I really feel frozen about some task.

I have a whole apartment: three bedrooms and full basement, to set in order by December 18th.  We were almost evicted from this place last summer because of the accumulation of junk.  My soon to be ex brought in so much crap over the last three years, piling it to the rafters downstairs.  When we were facing the eviction, he did move out some stuff.  I have till December 16th to get his junk packed up and he's supposed to come that day to take it away.  Otherwise, I have to haul it to the dumpster. 

While I am excited about getting organized and clearing out, there is another thing going on in the purge.  And I'm struggling with not letting my moods dictate the activity.  I just have to work at it, NO MATTER WHAT!

Perhaps you can share with us some things you've done to help motivate yourself to the task.  It might help others. 

Also, did you happen to see that Oprah a few weeks ago with the chronic hoarder?  I saw the first day, but missed the second.  I really enjoyed watching that and learning something from the expert advice given. 

Good luck with your fight.  Remember that we're just loving ourselves when we do the things to keep our home nice.  Keep looking to your future reality.  I do!

Yes, I agree.  So many though, feel so trapped in their situation. 

It's like the story I heard once:

Two guys are visiting on a porch.  Every once in a while,  one guy's dog lets out a "yowl" like he's hurting.  So, the other guys says, "What's wrong with your dog?"   

The first guy responds, "He's layin' on a nail."

"Well, why don't he move?"  the friend asks.

"'Cause, it don't hurt bad enough yet!"  Is his reply.

Sad, but true, for many, many victims of abuse.  "It don't hurt bad enough yet."

So, the real question to ask is "when is ENOUGH really ENOUGH??"

Hopefully, it will be "enough" before they are six feet under.  I held out for a long time.   I was holding onto a vain idea that he was capable of changing.  Thankfully, I finally came to understand that he was not going to change any time soon.  And even if he could make changes, it had to be done only for himself and not for me or for his children.  I was trying and trying to be "good enough", or "smart enough", or "organized enough", ..... whatever I could be to give him an incentive to change.  This striving is NEVER "enough" to manipulate changes in him.  Especially if he's like most abusers who refuse to believe that they are doing anything wrong.  Or who are busy making excuses for themselves and shifting blame for their behavior to others.   

Sure, there are resources out there somewhere.  Many women, especially if they have been supported financially, don't know where to get it.   I don't know if you've ever tried to apply for the services you mentioned.  It's not easy these days, thanks to the "welfare reform" ideal and "welfare to work" myth.  I say that because in order for a women who is dependent upon the services provided to become, "self sufficient", she would have to earn $20-35. per hour, depending upon how many children she needed full-time childcare for while she works.    I have run the figures.  A full time wage for many entry level office workers today is $8. per hour.  

I have over 25 yrs of general office clerical experience.  I type 60 wpm, 10-key by touch, 15-20K keystrokes in data entry.  I'm familiar with Office 2000 software, as well as many varied data base programs.  I have excellent customer service skills, with a strong commitment to provide quality assistance at all times.  I've worked in law, insurance, human resources, marketing, and telecommunications as a temporary worker for years.  I live in a major metropolitan area.  I have four young children and can only work 40 hours per week, during regular office hours.  I can't get hired.  Dozens of online resumes have been sent with very limited response.  I have interviewed also, dozens of times, with no reply.  I just received an email today that I couldn't even land a job in food service at a major hospital in our area.  

The good news:  I got rid of my abusive husband.  His getting out of MY apartment was not hard, given that I was supporting him for several years, on my limited part-time, day labor income.  I shuttled cars around the airport rental car lots in 100 degree heat, I stood outside the football stadium for hours, I tended bar at a convention, and served a banquet and behind the buffet line at a casino( this job included a four hour commute each day by bus).  I have also gone and given plazma for $25. cash a draw.  Fortunately, for me, being in this metro area, there are a lot of resources and temp jobs like this.  It would hard in a depressed rural town, however, with low economy and NO jobs, or access to resources for help.

So, understand that for women all over this world, we have to weigh many choices in our lives.  We weigh our sacrifices against our desire to stay safe, or housed or fed.  Or we sacrifice ourselves to see that our children are housed and fed.  Keep these women in your prayers and believe that somehow, someway, there will be someone on whom they can depend who will help them be safe and secure and FREE!

The fact that this abuser killed himself is the ultimate in selfishness.  Anyone who commits suicide is VERY self centered.  And his ultimate revenge on his family for leaving him was to commit suicide.  Another perpetration of trama. 

Contrary to popular idea, abusive behavior is not because of unresolved anger, a perpetrator's inability to "manage" anger.  Many times abuser's will use anger as their excuse for their actions.  But we also see many, many people who can be angry and not be physically abusive.  We see Dr Phil often exhibiting justified anger at someone's behavior.  He doesn't haul off and hit them.  So, this behavior is NOT about the anger.  It is about control or the myth of having control over another person.  And it's also about an abuser's inability to find his own personal power. 

To the victim of this terrible crime:  your husband did not kill himself because you left him.  He killed himself because he selfishly wanted to make you responsible, again, ultimately for his death.  That was his warped way of inflicting a last parting shot against you.  Please, please, go to therapy, or a grief support group or whatever you need to do to rid yourself of the guilt about this.  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that your children don't have their father.  IT IS HIS RESPOSIBILITY and even in death, you must let him OWN it!   Your part now is to break free from this final act of abuse against you.  I will pray for your healing from this.  There is NO SHAME in your role here.  You deserve to be free from it.

Also, for you sake and for the future health of your children, you need to get some therapy or healing counseling.  If your kids are feeling any guilt or shame, get them into some therapy too.  Sad, but true, statistics have shown that children of parents who commit suicide are twice as likely to attempt or, unfortunately, commit it themselves.  So, for their sake, get whatever help you can to heal from this ultimate assault.   Take care, and God Bless.  Remember His promise to you... "Blessed are those who moarn, for they shall be comforted."

With love.

I feel for you.  I was never beat either.  Initially, when I went to the local court to get a restraining order, I was denied, because of no physical abuse.  I just couldn't believe that the judge didn't get him, being a convicted felon in possession of a sawed-off shot gun, and equate that as a danger to myself and my children.  He told me I had to file for divorce to get the restraining order.  In the time it took me to get that done and finally get the order, we all could have been shot!

Anyway, it's a fine line between verbal and emotional abuse and an escalation into the physical.  The fact is that you might not see it coming.  One thing I felt about your message:  you write many times "I can't".  One thing I would encourage to you think about is changing your way of thinking.  YOU CAN, YOU ARE CAPABLE when your put your mind to it!  So, don't discount your own ability to take care of you and your kids, on your own.  Believe me, I was scared too!  I have four at home still: twins 9, 6 and 3.  And I hate the fact that now we have to make up a "parenting plan" for those holidays and b-days you refer to.  But, I don't hate that I now have peace in my home.  It's all worth it!

Read and learn and review!  "The Emotionally Abused Woman" is excellent!  Another:  "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"  This book gave me validation for what I knew was abusive behavior.

And I just finished a fantastic book called, "Ditch That Jerk: Dealing with Men Who Control and Hurt Women" by Pamela Jayne.  Check it out from your local library.  I did!

Another good one to set perspective on the whole idea of parenting after divorce:  "Joint Custody with A Jerk"  Check it out!

Good luck!  I'm pulling for you to find your own personal POWER to fashion the life you know you deserve.  Not only YOU, but your kids deserve it as well!

Take care, and keep up posted here.

Grammy:

When I tell people that I filed for divorce, they always respond, "Oh, I'm so sorry."  I say, "Why? I'm not!"  It's kind of funny that mainstreem folks don't know that this "relationship" was like a war zone and even the battle brought on by divorce proceedings seem like minor skirmishes in comparison!

Yeah, I was done cryin' over him long time ago!

Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Thanks.

: )

I feel frustrated for you! 

Your son shot himself?   How old is he? 

How old are all your children?  Do you have expenses for daycare?

I told my mother that he was welcome to fight me for custody of our children, 3 & 6.  "Let's see, would you rather pay me a couple hundred a month in child support, or $250 a week in childcare?"  She was mad that I would even consider him having the kids.  Of course, I'm not serious, but,

Well, you know!  It's hard to believe, like you said, they can act so cunning and manipulative and still seem so short-sighted!

I suppose my response to the question of how to make him shut up is to just limit your conversations to issue needing to be resolved with the kids.  I went to "co-parenting after divorce" class this week.  All divorcing parents in our city have to take this class, by court order.  They talked about having a "competent divorce", which means:  "One in which parents cooperate and communicate in a business-like way."  If you're doing business with someone, they wouldn't think of getting personal with you about relationship, or who you might be dating, or what you're wearing right now, or .... well, you know his sly way of trying to trip your triggers!  So, just stating the facts.  Keep it simple and ONLY related to the children and what they might need.  And you might have to become a broken record for him to stop trying to engage you in "relational" type of personal conversations.   Don't get caught up in ANY other form of deteriorated conversation.  Become firm and even hang up on him if he won't get the message.

When I got this information, I felt, "hmmm.. that's a nice theory!"  Putting it into practice with my soon-to-be ex doesn't seem likely either!  He's got NO business savvy at all!  Well, I can't say that for sure, because I'm not a fly on the wall during his communications with his boss!  But, I just wonder how we'll ever seperate it all out to keep boundaries on the conversations!   It's not easy. 

One thing I would stress, is working to keep your kids out from the middle of his issues.  This is something BOTH parents have to work on.  NO kid deserves to be put in the middle of divorced parents and their stuff!  You know what I mean?  I laugh when I think about my older kids:  17 and 15 now.  When they first started visiting with their dad they were 5 & 3.  He would constantly pump my 5 yr old for information about "mom's work, or dates, or?"  you know, whatever!  Well, I had a good friend then who used to say, "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!"  and my 5 yr old picked up on that and wanted to go back to dad's house and say it whenever he pumped for information about me!  LOL

Anyway, it is really hard on kids, emotionally to be put in the middle of this kind of stuff.  So, talk openly and honestly to your kids about how they feel when dad does it.  After they share their feelings, teach them how to use an "XYZ" statement to communicate to their dad about it.  This is like, "Dad, when you ask me about mom and stuff, I feel really sad(or insert the feeling) and I wish you wouldn't ask me to be in the middle of this."  You too, could tell him frankly, that you feel disturbed about him doing this to the kids, and ask him firmly to stop, for their sake.  I know, it might take a few times to communicate this to him.  But stick to your guns, set those healthy boundaries for your sake and your kid's.  Make it clear to him you are NOT going to reconcile, IT IS OVER!  And also, that he's not going to manipulate you through the kids, or your financial situation, or anything else!

Good luck, God Bless and I know you can do this too.  You've come so far already!  We're proud of you!