Messages By: mango208

Hello, I'm a little frustrated today. My new boyfriend of 11 months, feels that he doesn't excite me sexually because sometimes I don't reach orgasm.  I explain to him that I'm not a man, I don't always have to, but he is really really insecure, and this just adds fuel to the fire. I just want to have a good time with my man, without the pressure. I've never been one to reach climax easily, and sometimes, I just want to feel close to him, I don't need to have an orgasm. He takes it personally and wants to know what the problem is. He already has accused me of cheating on him, and doesn't trust me. (Jealousy issues) I feel that he thinks I'm cheating on him and that I've gotten pleasure somewhere else. I have not done that, nor would I do something like that.  He is almost making me feel un-normal for not having orgasms everytime.  Is it normal to not reach orgasm, even though you are excited, and having a good?   

Hello, first timer here. I'm looking to find a little understanding. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 11 months. Prior to meeting him, I had been single for 2 1/2 years, following a very unhealthy, distructive emotionally heavy 8 year relationship with a manic depressive man suffering with Crone's disease. Needless to say, the 2 1/2 years that I spent single were fun, and freeing. I was a single 30 year old, with nothing tying me down, except my job, rent and my car payments. During those 2 1/2 years, I had a one night stand with a guy I work with, whom I had a crush on for about a year after that. I went to Cancun last February, this was the first time I had ever taken a trip in my life, and yes, "the Real Cancun" show on TV, it's true.... Veeerrry crazy.... But. I was good, I met a guy there, and hung out with him for two days of the trip. We kissed, but didn't sleep together. Then after having a great two days, he told me he had a girlfriend back home whom he was planning on asking to marry him. Insulted, I left. Although he was a great guy, he was just part of that fun I was having. Very insignificant.  

 My current boyfriend whom I love very much, whom I started to feel is THE ONE, is lately bringing up all my past 2 1/2 years as a single  30 year old. I met him just after I got back from my Cancun trip, and I mean literally the day I got back. He keeps focusing on the "one night stand" that happened almost 2 years ago, and about this guy I met in Cancun.... I keep telling him that they're insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but doesn't believe me.  He claims that I'm still in love with the one nighter, and he says "what if that guy in Cancun didn't have a girlfriend, you'd still want to be with him wouldn't you?"  No matter what I say he turns it around.... And every time he brings it up, which is more and more often, I get so nervous about the upcoming fight that my words come out backwards. Not to mention that he's French, and french is my second language, so emotions don't necessarily come out right all the time.  He continues to accuse me of lying, and of not telling him the whole truth... WHEN I HAVE!!!! He's driving me nuts!  He is so insecure, that he's blaming me for it. Now his latest thing is "you don't love me as much as I do". He doesn't feel special. I don't go out of my way to do things for him.. Which believe me,  I do, and continue to do. I know how to show someone love, I am the most soft, patient, giving, nuturing person anyone can possibly know!  And I'm not exagerating.  He basically wants me to prove my love.  How do you do something like that?  It's ridiculous to think love could actually be proven.  If it's because he feels that he doesn't deserve to be loved, how am I supposed to do anything for him? He has to do it, right? He has to allow me to love him, right?  

All I can do is shake my head in disbelief right now.. I'm very discouraged.  

I appreciate your input, I should maybe have mentioned that I've tried many positions, and always willing to try more! I know which one works for me.   I'm very open sexually, but he is not!  Lately, I've asked him to give me a little more foreplay, and tells me I'm taking too long, how am I supposed to derive any pleasure from that?    

Thank you Pdragonfly! I've been processing your input all  morning, and it's helped me decide. You're right. No amount of trying or changing that I do, will help his insecurities.  Instead of procrastinating, I will take the next logical step. If he is true in his claims of love towards me he will take the time to at least try and see what he is doing. I will tell him very calmly,  I love you baby, but until you can accept that you're being very immature, and get help, I cannot live with you. Call me when you want a mature relationship based on love, trust, stability, and most of all maturity. If he at least trys, I'll know I'm not wasting my time, if I never hear from him again, I will know that I didn't waste my time.  At 32 years old, I don't have the time to play around in these silly adolescent games. Nor do I want to either.  

I've been with my sweetheart for 1 year now. I have always had a big sex drive. We always fed each others appetites adequately, however, lately, mine is less. He complains that I don't want it as much, and I complain that I need more romance to want to do it.  Why then in the beginning of a relationship, you're content to just have it whenever you can, and any cost, but when things settle in, and you actually start to know the person, it fades and you look for more stimuli?   This is the moment in your relationship where you can have better, more intense sex, why would we need more stimuli?? It's a little question that's been hanging around my head lately.  I try and ignore the feelings of missing the romance, but it still makes it's presence known.   

My man and I have incessant fighting matches that always end up nowhere. He says that I always fly off the handle, but why is he always the one leaving the room or hanging up the phone? I've always considered myself a soft, kind hearted person, with alot of patience, and a ridiculous amount of understanding. Why is it that I always find myself yelling?  I'm out of control.  I know that there are issues from my past relationship that always come up. (in my mind)  I'm afraid to be manipulated and used like I was in my last relationship,  so I refuse to back down from any fight. Even if it's a stupid one.  But on the other hand, he's so insecure and sensitive, even if I am trying to stay calm, and just explain how I'm feeling, he's not listening.  I love my boyfriend, we're getting ready to move in together in July. Is all this fighting just our nerves? Or is there an issue that we need to resolve? How do we resolve an issue, when he won't admit it's there?  I can't even get him to watch Dr.Phil or read Dr. Phil to get some insight, he's not English.  Every time we argue, his solution is ending the relationship, but I keep fighting to hold on to it. Why? Because I want to so much.  I told him to find another solution.  But he really doesn't know what else to do. Neither do I. His insecurities have caused me to abandon most of my single friends, have caused tension whenever I do something with my non-single friends, and whenever he goes out of town or works, I'm at home doing nothing for fear that he'll get upset if I do call up someone to do something.  He flat out tells me that he doesn't trust me, but has absolutely no reason to.  He claims I cheated on him because I kept an old letter that my ex wrote to me in 2004.  He wants to know why I kept it, but my reasons are not good enough for him.  At this point, 2 years later, I don't even know why I kept it. Guess it was validation of some sort, for living 8 years with a man who couldn't tell me he loved me, but finally realized it too late, in a letter. But because of that he thinks I'm doing all this stuff behind his back. etc etc...  I'm at a loss,  I don't want to end it because he's insecure. I want him to feel secure. But how?     

My immediate response to your message was:"oh my god, I don't want to live without him" and started to cry.   I can live without him, I did it before I met him, I just don't want to....  

I'm so unselfish that I can't even begin to know how to take care of ME.  I am a giver, I always have been. I don't know how else to be. And quite honestly I like me this way.   Our fighting is always about his thinking I am cheating, and me trying to get it in his thick skull that I'm not. I would never even consider cheating on him, if I wanted another man, I would just have another man. Why have the trouble of two???    I never thought that I was trying to change him. That never crossed my mind. I don't want to change him, I love him for who he is.  But being the girlfriend, should I tell him what he is doing wrong?  If I say nothing, I will not be happy.  We are compatible on many levels, this is what keeps me "hanging on" as you put it.  We just are not good at arguing.  I never knew how to argue effectively. And neither does he for that matter.  I end up just blowing up,and blurting out things that I never wanted to say, things that I ignored trying to be patient, and understanding.   

I say all this, knowing full well that we are in a destructive relationship. When the arguing is taking over the good stuff that made you fall in love in the first place you have to wonder "is it really worth it?" like you said.  But what if you think, YES it is worth it!  I suppose you're right I can change me, but not him, and if he's unwilling to change, it isn't worth it.  I'm very confused right now...  

I read, and re-read your response half a dozen times. I know you're right and I know that I don't want to leave him. I'm not ready to let go just yet. But I will promise myself to take some time to really think about it and dissect my latest reactions. I don't want to change into something negative, which is what I seem to be doing.  I want to blossom and be fantastic worthy woman I know I am.   Some soul searching and a little more strength will get me through this. And helpful advice.  You're  great. Thanks. Will keep you posted as to what is going on. I'm sure to have yet another emotional night tonight.  Stay calm, just stay calm.  

Yesterday was a rough day. I was very confused and insecure about my feelings towards my boyfriend. Today, I'm stronger (it must be the sleep) and I feel more secure in myself. I've realized that I started to let myself lose control. It's not his fault, it's mine. I lost control, I forgot about me, I let him treat me this way.  I've always been the type of person to step away from an argument, to avoid any conflict, to forget who I was, and my beleifs.  This comes from years of fear of judgement, fear of not fitting in, fear of actually having to own up to what I feel, do and say. I'm 32 years old, it's time I own up to it.  No more losing control, no more changing my mind, no more yelling. Yelling gets you nowhere, it just gives you a headache and a sore throat. And no one is really listening to what you're saying anyways, all they hear is the yelling.  I still don't know what to do with my boyfriend  right now, so I've decided space is the best for us right now. Maybe a little breathing room will bring things into focus.  I know what I have to do for me however, and that's spend time with my friends, get back into my own routine and get back to eating the way I eat, and make sure I don't let that change because I have someone that is different in my life.  If I don't want to eat McDonald's I won't.  If I want to go dancing with my friends, I will. And if my brother asks me to be there for him for his "battle of the bands" contest, I will be there.  No more missing out on things, and letting myself down because someone else thinks it's wrong.  I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions, and I can face my own consequences.  The next few weeks are all about me, and re-defining what  I feel I've lost.   I didn't realize that I was feeling the loss of these things so much. Guess build ups tend to create a wall that's hard to see over.