Messages By: delachae

Quote From: dragnfly88

I have not been able to get Self Matters yet. I think it needs to be a goal to do something for myself. 

I am very tired. I have lived my life doing everything for my kids and everyone else that I love. It has been my goal to make sure everyone else is happy, and that everyone has what they need. Like a good meal, clothing, money,etc.. You know , the things that make our lives run day to day. I never go shopping for myself, (kids come first) I never do anything for me, because there is never any money left to do anything. But I do have 1 thing.. I am a true gardner in the summer, I love it, I live for it and I am so proud of it. I have to wait all winter to get it, snow sucks. 

I am tired though. I have no friends(good friends). 

I am the type of person that would treat you like gold if you were my friend. But it doesnt happen. Everybody seemed to be going somewhere after work yesterday. today I found out everyone was going to a baby shower for our boss. I am hurt, why wasnt I included. iv been here 2 years. 

I am never incuded which results in always being alone. My kids are teens and have there friends, my husband is my best friend, But I want to have a  girl friend to do things with, and share things with, maybe go out for a drink or go shopping or just talk on the phone, and more and more when I get around a group of people I will back off because I dont know what to talk about, or how to act. I dont mean to distant myself, I never use to be this way. I was a great people person. Its kind of like a mom that has no life but her babies and she doesnt get out much, then when she does all she knows what to talk about is the kids . I need to get out of this rut I am in, I am 42 and want to enjoy life more and lose 30 pounds and eat right , and feel happy. 

Where do you begin when your on a really tight budget. Should I start by playing the lottery? haha. 

Any ideas on getting your life back after kids. 

Roxanne 

Quote From: silveryfox

I'm about to turn 25 and am coming up on my one year anniversary. My husband and I lived together (for the most part) for the last two years of my time at college and we'd been seeing each other for about 5 years all together. The apartment we live in belonged to him and he was paying all of the bills. My focus was school. I graduated as a graphic design major and we both decided that we'd really like to stay in his home town even though there was no graphic design work there. We worked it out that even if we both just had part time jobs we'd still be able to make ends meet and be able to enjoy life. Well he quit the job he was at not long before we got married. At the time I was glad because he was miserable at that place. After we got married we lived off of our wedding gift money for a while and then it was time to go job searching. I got one right away at the family run store where we both met at. The only problem was it was not enough to support us at all. At the time I felt like he wasn't trying enough to find work since as far back as I'd known him he'd always had some kind of job. Then came the day when we got pulled over for a car sticker and we found out his license had been revoked a long time ago for medical reasons (as the officer said). The problem is that my husband has a seizure disorder. The only thing is it only effects him when he's sleeping. He's perfectly capable of functioning in every day life and work but that's not how doctors, police, and employers see it. I had to scramble to find another job and quickly to support us and ended up getting a crappy job in a clothing store. Things are so tight that if anything happens out of the ordinary then I have to call my parents to help us out. We tried to get help at this rehabilitation center where they help people with unusual circumstances to get jobs but it's been going nowhere. And now the store where I work is going out of business. I'm so frustrated I just don't know what to do. He tells me all the time not to worry about it but to me it sounds like he just doesn't care. He knows I'll find some other job to support him. I feel like I'm all alone. In fact if I was on my own it would be easier because I'd get a less costly place and a room mate. I've never had to support a household before and the pressure is getting to me. When I pressed him about working he finally said that he had a relative that could probably offer him work and drive him there but that it would be a crappy job and not pay much. I was wondering where this job was a year ago. I think maybe he was trying to hold out for the perfect job or something. Anyhow he keeps saying he'll call this person but nothing has happened. It's like the story of my life. Northing's happening. I don't want to nag him but I don't know what else to do. Please help! What's the answer?

Quote From: danzante

Married 17yrs,  I'm 57yrs old husband 62yrs old.  Husband always has a new adventure. When we met he was in real estate then left that after we were married to persue a vending machine business.  I let him pay the household bills and I paid for the food and misc items.  I found out when it was too late that he was paying the bills with credit cards and charged $65,000.  We sold 

our house and moved to Arizona into a more affordable home.  He tried various sales jobs, all independent.  Managed to make money on and off.  Meanwhile I work at the same company for 37yrs, long hours and even overtime.  I took over paying the bills, he said he would give me his 

checks (thats when he gets one).  I do all the housework, shopping, cleaning, running around with 

the grandkids etc.  He does the yard work and takes care of the cars.  He builds classic hot rods 

and that costs money.  Even tho he hasn't made any money for the last 7 months he continues to 

charge non necessary items and spends large amounts on his vehicles.  He continues to live as if 

he is making tons of money even tho he isn't.  He always thinks he will come into some big deal 

and make lots and lots of money.  He tells me not to worry, everything will be ok, just be patient. 

His credit card is now up to $30,000 and another bill for $11,000 from a previous business he tried.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I keep giving him deadlines that we can't continue to live this way. 

He has to get a job that pays something, anything.  He won't get a conventional job, he always has 

to be independent.  So none of his jobs have benefits.    He currently is working at a sales job that 

pays commission and has been at it for 4 months and made about $2000.  He says that it will 

eventually turn into a big payoff just wait and see.  I've heard this my whole marriage and I'm so 

tired of the promises.  All I ever tell him is just not spend more that he makes.  In the meantime 

I'm stuck paying the bills and we have depleted our savings.  I do care for him and want this to 

work out but I can't deal with this anymore.  If I leave I'm afraid that he will take 1/2 my pension and 

401k that I saved.  Also I'm afraid that he will want me to pay his medical insurance or make me 

pay alimony since he doesn't have a steady income.  I am so angry I wish this would just go away 

and I could live in peace without the stress of not knowing how much he will make or how much he 

will spend.  I've told him that I will give him his bills and I don't care if they get paid but then I'm 

worried that they will take our house which is almost paid for.    I also want to retire but I can't because I feel so responsible for paying for everything.  I feel like I'm living with a spoiled child 

that never learned how to manage their finances.    How do I get this under control?  Should I 

get a divorce and take the loss or continue to pay for everything and hope he will eventually  

start making money?   

Quote From: sangawa

My common-law husband of 12 years has 3 boys from a previous relationship. About 6 years ago he got hit  with family maintenance payments. He considers this payment as just another household bill. I work also and can't help but feel that I am paying for his kids. We just get by on both of our incomes. Is it wrong for me to expect my husband to  work a little extra ( he has trouble with working eight hours a day and is always wanting time off, especially during hunting season). Am I being selfish or just plain evil for thinking this way? 

  

If I had known that I would of ended up feeling this bitter over his kids......hindsight is 20/20 

Quote From: bunnyloaf

I am a 20 year old girl and recently I got back together with my boyfriend of 3 years after being apart for 1 year and dating other people. We realized that we are better off together and hope to get married some day. The only problem is that his sex drive is not even close to being the same as mine. He says he is just not that passionate a person. But I am. Even though he tells me he loves me and tells me I am beautiful, he would rather cuddle or watch TV then do anything sexual. After being back together for 3 months, we have had sex twice, which had no passion...it was just sex. We shouldn't be able to keep our hands off eachother! I love him and I don't want to give up on our relationship but I cannot shut off this passionate side of myself. I don't want to wake up one day and be married and unhappy. Any advice?

Quote From: aussiemum1

I have posted over the last few weeks about my husband and his low testosterone levels.  Once he began on the herbal remades things started to change, he said he felt different, seemed to have more energy.  We actually had more sex in one week than in the previous six months, I felt like a weight was lifted from me, that it was not my fault, that there was actually something wrong with him and not me, I felt desired....Then he stopped taking the herbs and things are back to the way they used to be.

 

I am not sure how I feel.  I just don't understand why he doesn't think that our intimate relationship is worth saving.  I realize that testosterone levels are not the sole cause of lost libido.  I think deep down I knew that it wasn't just low testosterone all along.  My mother-in-law is an extremely cold and hard woman, have never sen her show my husband any affection in the 16 years we have been  together.  She did not even give him a kiss and hug on our wedding day.  My sister-in-law says she was very violent when they were small, my husband never talks about his childhood.  She is a very strong woman (hell, she scares me!).

 

There was an article in the Sunday paper last weekend which spoke about men and low libido and the possible reasons.  One of the reasons listed was "being in control" when a man feels powerless and controlled then he can withhold sex (I am sure that many women do this as well)  I am not a control freak but I am a strong person.  Maybe he is withholding sex?  

 

This all makes me really angry sometimes.  I mean I had a pretty mediocre childhood (alcoholic father and bi-polar mother)  and I am trying to do the best I can.  I am trying to raise my children in a happy home and show them love and make them feel wanted and appreciated.  I spent a year doing counseling to get rid of all that stuff.  My husband and I had counseling a few years ago when he was having anger issues and our relationship was bordering on turning DV.  The counselor spent most of the time looking at my behaviors and how I caused my husband to become angry.  He was the one who was pushing me around and it was my fault?

 

I have spoken to my husband a few times about past behavior and the reality is that DV is not just hitting someone, it can be emotional abuse, financial abuse, verbal.  I do feel his emotional withholding has the same effect on my self esteem as when he was angry.  He has admitted that he has an issue with sex, he realizes that it is not normal to have such a low sex drive.  What I don't understand is why he doesn't want to fix it???

 

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Quote From: whitmans

Hi everyone! I have a situation that I do not feel in control of, and am curious as to anyone else's opinion on it. I am 33 years old, married for 14 years with a 11 yr. old daughter. I met my husband when I was 15, been with him ever since. My husband 'rescued' me from a bad home, a place where they still call me 'crazy' and 'stupid'. As recent as last year, I could not get my mother to admit I was not crazy, or that she loved me. I have both parents living in the same town, as well as 3 brothers. I do still see them, however have really cut my contact with them over the years. I have it down to holidays only, pretty much.  

Anyhow, my sex drive is almost non-exisistent. I mean, sometimes I'm really ready to go, but much more often, I am not. I was molested as a child by my father and one of my brothers, something I let my husband know not long after we met. It never occured to either one of us that my sex drive lack of, may be due to my childhood. I started to read a book about healing from this, and it brought me more memories that were shocking! My husband was behind me on the journey, however he has issues with not 'getting any' and I think he thought this would take only a few days to accomplish. It didn't, and after a big fight I quit with any of it. I am considering pulling the book out again and really trying to heal and move on in my life, and I also have my husband agreeing to read a book on a functional family. My question is this, is it possible that this is the cause for my lack of desire? Is it plausible that I will be able to move on and heal from something that happened so long ago? I was truly shocked at the memories I discovered while trying this the first time, won't it do more damage than good to dig up the real truth that I'm hiding in my brain somewhere? Why can't I simply say to myself 'get over it' and have that happen with something like this?  

Sorry to go on and on, I appreciate everyone's time who reads this. Any suggestions, comments or advice on this topic?   

Jenn 

Quote From: hmeetis

Me and my wife have been married about 6 monthes now. We have not had sex not ever its very annoying for me. She swears up and down she loves me and i definantly love her. I do however find myself starting to grow awey from her. Its hard to really stay attracted to someone when you are turned down all the time without failure. There are a lot of things that she used to do around the house to help me out that she has stopped doing totally. She leaves all the tasks around the house up to me aside from cooking she hates my cooking. So i end up doing all the cleaning around the house and maintaining the verhicles and the house maintenance. I feel like i am really working 2 or 3 jobs. I am normally all out untill it is about time to go to sleep. I have taken her on vacations that i can afford (not very extravagent or very long but its what i can fit into my budget) I have asked if she would want to seek profesional help but she refuses. She does not even talk to her friends about these issues. I am not even sure just what the issue really is she won't discuss it with me. All i get are empty promises that its going ot change. It never does tho I am not sure where else to take this but thus far this relationship seems to have only 2 conclusions 1 is me being miserable for the rest of my life haveing to deal without sex or 2 is in a annulment or diverce. I will go for number 2 if it starts creaping up on the 1 year mark. I have a whole lot riding one either divorce or annulment. Hoeslt i feel that she should get nothing if we divorce. I have been the sole income to the house this whole time she has contributed nothing other then takeing up space in my house. I could use some real advice on this

Quote From: gg1978

Hi. This is my first post, but I am a big fan of the Dr. Phil show and this seems like an honest community that might be able to shed some light on (what I believe to be) my unusual situation. My husband and I do not sleep in the same bed. I am 28, he is 31, and we are both in good physical shape/health. I hesitate to say this -- because I do not want to seem arrogant -- but I have confidence in my looks and am hit on or complimented nearly every time my husband and I are "out on the town" together. So, I often wonder why all these other men could be attracted to me and my husband isn't. I know he loves me. We have a wonderful friendship and he is always making me laugh, but when it comes to being sexual, our moments are few and far between. We got together when I was just 20, and our relationship was extremely sexual. I know that sex can dwindle after a couple is married for some time (we have been married for five and a half years and have undergone some very serious financial hardships during that time which may have contributed to the lack of sex drive on his part).... but what confuses me is: aren't men supposed to think about sex at least ONCE a day? (and i know that's an extremely conservative estimate).... my husband has no desire to sleep in the same bed as me -- i sleep upstairs and he sleeps on the couch every night. he says this is because we have different sleep habits (he likes to fall asleep with the TV on. I need to have silence. He snores. I don't, so I am always prodding him to roll over in his sleep so he'll stop snoring, things like that.) It's not that we NEVER have sex. But it's rare. Occasionally, I'll sleep downstairs with him on our pull out couch, and we even invested in an air mattress so that I could feel like we were a "normal couple" who actually sleeps in the same bed. On vacations, when we have to sleep in the same room, we tend to have sex more often, but other than that.... we have literally gone months without having sex. Now, when I say sex, I mean "intercourse" (hope that's not too graphic)... There may have been a little fooling around in between, but I thought men were supposed to want sex -- like REALLY want it -- and so far this year, in 2006, we've done it twice. Is that normal? I've caught him lying to me a few times in the past -- about "minor" things like keeping porn on the computer when he swore it wasn't his, but have never found any evidence to indicate that he was cheating on me. Still, I can't help but wonder ... if he isn't getting it from me, is he getting it somewhere else? Or could he possibly just have a low sex drive? The thing I don't get is that when we DO make love, it's INCREDIBLE, and again, at the risk of being graphic, he can keep going for hours. So, it's not as if he has a sexual dysfunction or anything like that. Still, if he is cheating, there is no evidence. He's always home when he says he's going to be. There have been no suspicious phone calls or emails. The only problem is the sex. A lot of times, i just feel like we're not a "normal couple." I see other couples on TV sleeping in the same bed and think "what's that like? why is my husband the only man in the world who's never -- or rarely -- in the mood?" Any ideas?