Messages By: julie1418

I am really late in joining this discussion, but I have watched both shows and have read most of the message boards. I find myself dwelling on this topic, so I'm going to get this off my chest in hopes that I can end my fascination (obsession?) with the Grant/Kelly saga. 

Many people likened a stay at home Mom to a job where you would have  an employer and would be expected to meet a set of requirements and would be evaluated on your performance. Although I understand the rationale behind that argument, I'm not sure that it is a fair, or healthy, analogy. Here's my best explanation why..... 

I earned my Masters degree and was promoted to be an Assistant Principal at a school at a fairly young age. It was a different school than where I had been a teacher, and when I started, some of the single female tried to strike up friendships with me. They were terrific ladies, with whom under different circumstances, I would have enjoyed a social/personal relationship. But the bottom line was, I was their boss. I would have to evaluate their professional performances and sometimes have to make unpopular decisions. I could be friendly, but not truly friends. 

If you create a situation where one spouse is seen as the boss, evaluator, judge...however you want to phrase it, I think you miss out on the best part of marriage! It is amazing to have that one person who is your confidante, your support system, the person you feel the most comfortable sharing your dreams, fears, successes and failures. 

That is not to say you have to accept everything as is. You should have a vision for your life, your home, your future. But it needs to be a shared vision. Grant, the biggest thing wrong with your lists, is that they are YOURS (that, and the hip hop dancing!!:). Kelly, spend some quality time figuring out what you want and need from your life and marriage and be ready to articulate those needs. What if you both created the vision together. Decide how you want your marriage and family to work and how to best achieve that goal. What is a fair division of labor for your circumstances, and what plays best to your individual and mutual strengths? Have equal input and be sure to include lots of patience and flexibility. If you need an impartial third party to moderate so you don't fall back into old roles, get one. 

I know you have received so much well-intentioned (mostly) advice from so many Dr. Phil watchers, so here's mine..... Take the advice that works for both of you and throw the rest away. If you want a cleaning lady, get one. If you want to spend every Sunday night scrubbing floors with your toothbrushes GO FOR IT. Create your vision for your family. Oh, and be ready to renegotiate every once and a while...circumstances change and things don't always work out the way we expect. 

For the sake of credibility, I am a stay at home Mom of two toddlers. I tried not to include how things work in my home because I think it is irrelevant. I really want to avoid the THIS IS WHAT WORKS AND MAKES SENSE TO ME, THEREFORE EVERYONE ELSE MUST AGREE mentality. 

Please forgive the wordiness (if anyone is still reading). Hopefully, I can sleep tonight without having the mental arguments running through my head. 

Good luck, Grant and Kelly. For all of the heated debate you have generated, I think everyone would applaud if you ended up being Dr. Phil's biggest success! 

Julie 

If Kelly doesn't like how Grant engineered a building, she is to do or say NOTHING because she is not his boss!!  A marital relationship is really nothing like an  employment relationship! 

Grant did not come on the show expressing a concern that Kelly's housekeeping was endangering the children. He had an inventory of ways to fix or improve Kelly as a housekeeper, wife, cook, etc. It's not that some concerns were not legitimate. I think Dr. Phil turned the topic away from the house stuff and towards the marriage stuff because he understands that the MARRIAGE is way more important than the house. 

Diana, have read the posting through both shows and I alternately think you are right on or out of your mind. I have a feeling you are more middle ground than you come across. 

I don't get the sense that Stay at home Moms think, be nice, chase the kids, and your day is done. It's the idea of viewing your spouse as your employer/boss that offends many women. Think about it, most companies will not allow spouses to work in the same department, especially if one is in a supervisory position. It rarely works.  

Before I met my wonderful husband, I was in a relationship with a man who was incredibly critical (ironically enough, he was an electrical engineer!). he told me how to drive, dress, cook, brush my teeth, and do MY job as a teacher. ANd the relationship doesn't start that way,,,,it is slow, and insidious until you are so demoralized and emotionally drained you don't know how to break the cycle . I thank God everyday that I didn't marry the guy. With children, it would have gotten so much worse. The kicker is, he HONESTLY thought what he was doing was okay. His take was, if I'm better at something, why shouldn't I show you how to so it better. I'm helping!  Somehow, he assumed he was better at EVERYTHING! 

Maybe the big NOT GETTING IT is not living in someone else's shoes. Bree says she is 24 and married two years. If she met her Prince Charming at such a young age and they truly share a vision for their family and future, that's great. Most of us had to kiss a few frogs along the way and have become jaded and defensive. To make yourself financially and emotionally vulnerable to someone else can be scary. 

I think Dr. Phil GETS IT. (I am a huge fan) If you read the overview of this topic it states that he focused on Grant because his critical spirit was overshadowing anything Kelly was doing or not doing. I don't think reorganizing the house will fix the relationship. I do believe that fixing the relationship might help get the externals of the house in order.   

Strangely, since the show aired, I've had a really good week in terms of keeping my own two toddler house in order. Go figure! My husband is also getting lots of appreciation (if the house gets crazy, he asks, how can I help?). Now I have to go peel Elmo stickers off the kitchen floor! 

Julie 

Please forgive me if this is redundant....I posted a message and the screen went blank so I'm trying again. 

When I saw you on the first show, I found you kind of offensive (I realize they edit for time and effect). After reading your posts, I realize I agree with you on many issues. I have also found that trying to keep my home reasonably clean and organized keeps us all more peaceful and gives us more time to enjoy each other. 

The one issue that I'm still struggling with is why you think you have the right to have a problem with how someone else lives their life. If that poster literally doesn't lift a finger, and her husband is happy and the family is in harmony, well OK! 

I have a cleaning lady every other week. We also have a lawn and pool service. I could list all our reasons why and the circumstances of our life, and you would most likely say "Oh, well it's okay in THAT case." But the bottom line is, you don't have the RIGHT to have a problem with my cleaning lady. Just like I don't have the right to have a problem with your 20 minute house cleaning! (I don't really want lessons, but if you could get it in a pill form.......LOL) 

I have come to the conclusion that you do have some valuable insights and ideas. If you could tone down the judgement, I think people would be more receptive to what you have to say. 

My reason for mentioning Bree's age was simply the point that if she found Mr Right at young age, she probably didn't have many negative relationship experiences. The same could be said of a 40 year old who was still happy with her high school sweetheart.  

Julie 

We are ALL biased! Go read Life Strategies where Dr. Phil talks about there being no reality, just perception of reality. Our perceptions are based on so many factors, including personal experiences.   

I think Dr Phil could do a show on RIGHT FIGHTERS and pick his guests right from these message boards.  

I've only posted a few times, but if I have been nasty, judge mental, sarcastic, or just plain mean to anybody, I sincerely apologize. I really want to limit my words and behavior to those I would like my children to emulate.  I truly support all of you in your marriages and homes, and hope you will all do the same for me and each other. 

Julie 

I think it makes her more insightful to what does and doesn't work in HER marriage. She looks at Grant and Kelly, thinks of her marriage, and draws conclusions. Grant reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, and I thank my lucky stars I got out with any self-esteem intact. I'm glad her relationship works now, and I'm REALLY glad I moved on to greener pastures! 

If there was a simple, easy formula for relationships, there wouldn't be over 2500 posts to this topic!  

Julie 

Kelly....good to hear from you! It must be very strange to have so many people vehemently weighing in on you and your marriage. 

I know you have received so much advice....mine has nothing to do with your house. After I broke up with MY electrical engineer, I was devastated. He was hyper critical and dangled the approval/commitment carrot just close enough to keep me jumping through hoops to please him.My mother gave me Life Strategies to read, and told me to read like it was a mirror. I had never even heard of Dr Phil!  

If you haven't already read it, it is easy to read and think of others, but you need to concentrate on yourself....not because you are wrong, but because you can't fix other people! I sobbed reading the book. As much as I believe my ex was emotionally abusive (Dr Phil defines the withholding of affection as a form of abuse), I had to concentrate on how I allowed myself to be a victim and seriously trained him how to treat me.  

The book changed me from the inside out. I realize that you are married with three kids, so you should exhaust every option before considering leaving. If you figure out how to love and value yourself as much as you love and value your husband, I think you will find peace. 

For the record, I think you handle yourself with amazing dignity. I don't want to bash Amy, but I'm not sure it was a great idea to have a stranger weigh in on your marriage on TV. I don't think it's a winning situation for anybody. 

If this is of no help, please disregard it completely. I hope you and Grant find a way to be truly happy. 

Julie 

I have to agree when you say a perfect house won't give you a happier husband. 

When you say Grant is overwhelmed, unhappy and pointing the finger at you, a light bulb went off my head. Do you think it's possible (and again I don't know either of you  and I could be way off) that Grant is overwhelmed by the whole reality of marriage, three small children, the financial pressures, etc.? And on some level he is afraid to articulate those fears because it is too horrible to think, much less say, anything that sounds like "I regret having children so soon and close together, I hate all this responsibility, I'm afraid I can't handle this."  

I have heard it said that when a person tries so desperately to control externals it is usually because the overwhelming chaos inside is too difficult or painful to process. (that may be Dr Phil!) 

If you think this is a possibility, maybe you could bring it up to Grant and let him know that he can talk to you about this without being judged. Obviously, you can't give back the kids, and neither of you would really want to, but if he felt safe just articulating any fears/concerns, that might help you both work through them. 

I know I delved into some risky territory here, so feel free to tell me where to go (kindly, please - I have good intentions !) 

Lots of luck, 

Julie 

I get that you seem to be in a heated battle with another poster, but this seems pretty harsh. The person you are really bashing here is Kelly, and as far as I can see, she is not arguing with you nor has she written an unkind comment to ANYONE. 

The truth is, none of us really know what the refrigerator, bathrooms, etc. are like in their home. Even if we did, we'd probably still disagree....eye of the beholder and all of that. We also don't fully know the inner workings of their relationship.  I don't think any of us have the right to assume we fully get it. 

Julie 

Actually, I think Diana (perhaps unwittingly) makes a very good point here..... 

Is a loving, supportive, helpful husband the key to a happy, well-run home and family? 

OR   

Is a Mexican food cooking, Hip Hop dancing, Major Appliance Maintaining, Martha Stewart wannabe wife the key to a happy, loving husband? 

Food for thought.....