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June 28, 2006, 7:12 pm PDT

abuse

Quote From: qqqhhh

If the information you were provided doesn't help you, then what is it -- in the way of help -- that you are looking for?

Let me ask you a question?

If you could set up your life, EXACTLY how you wanted it, what would it look like?

I think you already know that you are in ONE-DOWN position in your relationship. And the only way to become an equal in your relationship requires that you do things differently.

Who says your hubby has to control YOUR money? Why is it that you have to give it away to him?

Do you know what is the saddest thing about your post?

All I read was that your life is all about him, him, him, his, his, his. Why is there no room for you?

You are doing all this stuff under his thumb and I see nothing in your post about you?

Why does he have to control everything? Who gave him that power?

I'm sorry I guess I have more questions than answers today. Q

I feel like I have to give the money I earn becasue he makes so much, much more.....and he has paid the household expenses. He complains that I buy things for myself with the money that I earn and that he buys himself nothing...Which is NOT true. He will go to JCPenny and charge clothes and then HE pays it off at the end of the month.....because he can! I cannot make enough to do all of that.

Where do you get a data-entry job. I am not very intelligent to find jobs like this. They all want you to have experience.

Linda

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lssanders

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June 29, 2006, 10:23 am PDT

Abuse

Quote From: marciek

I haven't posted here for a while, but I have been implementing the things I need to do that all of you suggested in order to leave whether it's in a hurry, or otherwise. I know I cannot stay in this marriage. I am curious if any of you have experienced the extreme financial abuse that I have and if so, if you are now out of the marriage, how did you make out in the divorce. Did the courts help you get back what was rightfully yours? In my case, I will be fighting my husband and his mother, to whom he gave my half of our home, while she contirbuted nothing to the house. It was just a way in his mind to keep me from getting any part of the house if I decided to leave. I've been told by a divorce lawyer that the judge can just take her name off the deed, that it is done all the time, and that he most likely would seeing that she cannot prove (with documentation) that she has contributed anything to the property. She has never lived here either, not one day.

To the fellow who admits he's been abusive to his wife after reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"...I commend you for being able to admit this. I read where you said you have treated her "like the enenmy". This is just how my husband has treated me. Know that the abuse you've been guilty of will take a long time for her to heal to the point that she can feel good about herself again. I developed panic attacks about a year after living with my husband, and now I sitll have those plus PTSD for which I need meds.

I know how my husband became this way...it's because he was brought up by a woman who hated everyone, and trusted no one, could give no one the benefit of the doubt, and told her children that they could never trust anyone. I've had to ask permission to hang a picture on a wall, or to buy a piece of furniture for my office (with my own money), or get the dog medical treatment for a serious skin disorder, or buy the dog better food for a food allergy. All the while, he has4 cars, a 60K boat, money in the bank.

When I brought up the issues of the house and his mother, I was told that "I was out for what I could get from him" when we married, that I was just after "his" house. It was never mentioned that I worked the last 18 yrs and cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, bought all my own clothing, paid for all the food, pet food, my own meds, and copays for dr's visits, and also gave him money toward mortgage when I had extra. I also did all the landscaping on the house. But....in his eyes....I was out for what I could get from him. Do you guys really believe this stuff when you're saying it to us, or is it just a way to blame us for the abusive way you treat women???

Anyway, although I'm not having a good day today, on the whole, I now accept none of the blame for his horrible behavior. Something from "Why does he do that" really made me see it. It said "imagine him yelling at one of your friends like he yells at you......how do you thing THEY would react? Surely NOT the way you do, because he has no more right to yell at you, than he does to yell at one of your friends. It put it in a much clearer light for me.

Anyone who has been financially hurt like I have, if you could share your story with me I think it would help me to know that I can come out of this OK. Thanks...marcie

Marcie,

I have been going through the same thing for years and years. It is always how HE works and pays for everything around here. My dog has not been to the vet for shots and he was due in Dec. for ALL of his boosters etc. When husband threw that up in my face sat. that he pays for vet bills, I told him well, you haven't because dog is way over due for shots. I have a little Yorkshire Terrier.

Husband complains that I am not working now and he is Taking Care Of Me!!! When I did work outside of the home, and would get groceries and pay for the gas and buy a peice of "clothing" for myself, he would get mad about the clothing!!!! Says he buys nothing for himself. Well, I dont know why his closet is so full !!! He is upset that HE pays Electricity, Car payment, etc etc. It goes on and on. This is abusive. The way he talks to me and treats me like I am a step child or something. I said at one point you say it is US and OURS ... then you act like this !!!! He said no it is ME,,,ME paying for everything. Well, he can hire all this house work and laundry done. I feel so unloved, and unwanted. He makes $80,000.00 a year, and I don' t ask for nothing at all.

Whew, I feel some better now Marcie,

thanks,

Linda

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lssanders

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June 29, 2006, 10:48 am PDT

abuse

Quote From: qqqhhh

Financial control can be a form of abuse.

Here are some other defintions for abuse -- physical, verbal and emotional.

These sites can help you determine whether your hubby's actions are abuse to YOU.

http://www.wadv.org/abused.htm

http://www.womenincrisis.info/symptoms.htm

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Signs%20of%20Abusive,%20Authority%20Based%20Relationships

http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/index.html

http://www.stopdomesticabuse.org/physical_abuse.htm

For me, my definition of abuse is this:

When someone does/says something ON PURPOSE to hurt me, after I've told them to stop and they STILL do it, it's abuse.

Q

Q,

I did think that witholding money and property was a form of abuse in a marriage. I do not want HIS money, but it should be in a joint account, shouldn't it? The car, shouldnt' that be in both names as a husband and wife. What if something were to happen to him??? How would i have access to these things? I am sure if we were to sell our home now, that the new one would be in "his name" only!!!! Why does a marriage have to be this way? WHAT can I do to make him see that he is being selfish and a bigot. When he gets up in front of the church to fill in for the preacher, I get ill. I don't want to have ill feelings towards him. Out in the community he is a very well "loved" man. He puts on such a good face...and he really "beleives" that he is right in the things that he does and the things that he says to me. I tell him over and over that I am his "WIFE" and that he should act like a "Husband"...to go and read his bible. It says "A man should love his wife and God loves the Church".

He has a real belief in his hear that he has a right to feel the way he does. Yes, It is all about HIM.....When I tried to go to school to get some computer classes he put a halt to it. When I asked to let the school where I was working to send me for classes, that they pay for, he said NO. So, I decided, what is the use to work and bust my tail....I may as well stay home and be happy. But This Man will not LET me be happy, no matter what I do!!!!!

I have such an inner being making me question everything that I do, asking me "what would he think of this?"...or "would he approve of that?".....etc etc.

I have been with this man since I was 13 years old and now I am 50 years old.

Misery will be my life it seems. Yes, I know I have options, but at what costs???????

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lssanders

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June 29, 2006, 1:17 pm PDT

Abuse

Quote From: qqqhhh

ALL states have their OWN laws about how estates are handled in the event something happens to your hubby.

Start a list of questions, then go ask a lawyer. Get informed. Then you will KNOW the answer. The first consultation is usually free -- or find a web site about estate law in your area.

The odds are that if your hubby dies and leaves no last will and testament, all of his possessions become the property of his spouse. BUT if he has a will that says different, then you may be in trouble.

Just because a new home would be in his name only, does not mean that you wouldn't be entitled to some portion of it -- like HALF. But it is easier if your name is on the MORTGAGE. There still dower rights in many many states that protect the rights of wife.

All lawyer who knows the laws of your area can, at least, inform you of YOUR OWN rights.

You can not turn your self into a pretzel for someone ELSE. You can not turn your self into the person that someone ELSE wants you to be -- if you do that and/or if your hubby insists that you do that, BOTH OF YOU will remain miserable.

I oughta know -- I gave away all my power to my Ex too.

I remember... buying some fabric to make a new bedspread for our bed. He threw it in the trash because he didn't pick it out. He berated me for spending $10 and I was the one with the JOB -- he didn't work!!

To accept misery, is NOT LIVING.

Q

Funny thing is....I know the answers......He got it all under control .... Savings accts. checking acct. (my name not on savings acct.) Yeah my name is on one of the checking accts....but, he still controls it. I went and got groceries today, watch him have a fit about the 41.06 that I spent today. It dont' matter, it just makes me feel like I am adopted here.....lol
Linda

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lssanders

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June 29, 2006, 5:53 pm PDT

Abuse

Quote From: qqqhhh

I walked out of Walmart last month. My bill was $500!!!!

(I do shop a month-at-a-time and this time I had to buy some clothes that added about $100-200).

Did my hubby holler about it??

Heck, no! He was glad I went, glad I got home safely and he helped put all the stuff AWAY.

Q

Q,

Wow, where did u find HIM???? Sometimes my hubby is treating me great!!! Then he gets all stressed and then he turns everything on me!!! I am going to Roanoke for the week. In a way glad to get away and then in another way, I know he will be having the "time of his life" during the holiday!!! Spending more money, and putting his drinks on charge card. I think I have $40.00 to take with me ....that "I" earned!!!! Lucky Me!!!

Linda

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lssanders

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July 3, 2006, 1:34 pm PDT

Controlling Husband

Quote From: marciek

Thank you for your message. It is very uplifting to hear all that you said. I have talked to a good lawyer, and she said that both he and his mother would be called into court, and his mother would have to prove she has a financial interest in the house, which she can't do, because she has contributed nothing.

I have not said any of this to him although at times when he gets me mad, I'd love to, but I don't want to let him know any of this ahead of time. If I do, he will start hiding assets.

I am building new friendships and associations via community and church activities that I think will help me survive and thrive aftwewards. Thank You Again!!

marcie,

My husband don't have to "HIDE" his assets...he just doesn't put my name on stuff. He keeps accounts in HIS name only, etc. Yes, stuff would have to be sold and split, but like "he" says....he "owes" on it all. So, I would end up with nothing. I am at home now keeping the house emaculant, good meals cooked, wash and iron his shirts and pants. While I listen to him complain if i even go to the grocery store. I am ready to get another job and just keep my money in an account of my own and listen to him squak. Yes, I do feel like i am stuck after 32 years of marriage. Plus he controls it ALL.

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lssanders

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July 8, 2006, 6:10 pm PDT

Domestic Dollar Disputes

Quote From: momloveson

I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary. He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10 cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT. Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early. He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money. I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts. So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account. We live well below our means. No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s. We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled."

I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money. I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money. I'm not a spender. I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes. I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet). My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all. Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.

For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it. I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!) He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going. Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's, therapy and medication. This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.

We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. . People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money. That's just not true. I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago. I was single, struggling to get established after college. Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.

I can really sympathize with you on this subject. My husband complains that he pays ALL the household bills, etc. and that I am "using him". I have worked for 20 years in a "joint" business that we had for no pay at all!!! That was untile we sold it 3 years ago. He horded the profits and "hid" money from the sale of the business. I found some cash that he had hidden in his glove box at one time. It had come from his parents safe where they had "hidden" part of the "cash" for him. I never had the guts to confront him of this. As he would deny it anyway!!! He would buy things and I would ask him where he got "that" kind of money and he said one time "I worked it out"! Well, where was MY "working out" cash for all them years.

When he got bent out two weeks ago about him paying for all the bills, etc. I reminded him of how I have always worked, but never got paid for doing it. I iron, wash, cook good meals, keep the house clean, etc. His answer was, "then stop, I can take care of myself!"

I just am not sure what to do at this point. I cannot get over this situation. It eats at me night and day! I wish I had the means to go to college and take some classes. I tried that one time and took ONE course, and was told to stop. That I had had enough of that!

We have been married almost 32 years, and since I stayed at home with the kids when they were little, and then worked in our business for 20 years, I have not had much education. I am just not sure what to do or how to handle this craziness.

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lssanders

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July 8, 2006, 6:16 pm PDT

ABUSE

Quote From: qqqhhh

That you control.

It's YOU.

It's THIS: "While I listen to him complain if i even go to the grocery store."

STOP LISTENING!

You hubby can NOT control you -- if you don't give him permission over you.

Stop giving him permission.

It's YOUR LIFE! Live the way YOU want!

Q

He will TAKE the checkbook, or if I put it on credit card...he BLOWS up and says Cut them UP.

I want to freak out sometime and go off the deep end. But I know that wont help the situation, because it will PROVE to him that he CAN control me because he has his way of SHOWING me that he is the bread winner and he said that "You think just because you are my WIFE that no matter what you charge that "I" have to pay for it all"..........i really wanted to say..."Well yeah, that is right!!!!!!!!!!!" LOL

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lssanders

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July 9, 2006, 2:23 pm PDT

07/11 Domestic Dollar Disputes

Quote From: vlwc57

I'm never an advocate of divorce, but is surely seems that this fellow needs to learn to count - and appreciate - his blessings! It sounds as if he 'has you where he wants you' thinking and feeling that you're worthless, but that you're obligated to fulfill HIS needs and desires! This is never good.

I think if you'd bolster your courage enough to even start divorce proceedings (and not back down as soon as he starts whining and apologizing, which a man almost always does if a woman calls his bluff and he stands to be embarrassed among his peers by being publicly shunned and rejected by his long-time wife), he might fully realize what he stands to lose and change his attitude! If not, with a half decent lawyer, the court should order him to give you the house plus alimony.

I'd at least speak privately with a reputable cousellor or a lawyer. You've been oppressed long enough!

vlwc57,

I have been this route 5 years ago. He was not only "verbally" abusive and controlling, but he hit me and i had HAD IT. I went to court explained my situation about it all.....the Judge put him out for 6 months...he stayed 7....and I was STUPID and scared and begged him back, yes, i guess i BACKED DOWN as you say............I have been married since I was 18 and am 50 now. I know nothing but "depending" on him.!!!!!! He KNOWS it. Everyone told me half of this and half of that.....I dont' know because we "Owed" on everything. He would sell the home and HIDE half of the funds from it, just like he did the joint business that we owned together. He will have lots of money and say...I need to put it in a "fund" for "our retirement"....ha. I get the picture. If something DID happen....guess what.....I am screwed. Really! He would take it out Likety Split and put it in someone elses name.....Like he didn't own it until everything was settled. I would be on food stamps and all. Not that I wouldn't feel like sometimes I really would bet lots better off. I have no family that I could go to.....so I would totally be out there.....alone. I know this sound pitiful and so co-dependant. Sorry, but I dont have no idea at this stage in my life HOW in the world I would even get a loan in my name, to buy a car, a home, etc. Right now he is doing a little better....he has had his fit two weeks ago, etc etc. Now he is all lovey dovey.....I am not lovey dovey....I feel nothing for him, right now!

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lssanders

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July 9, 2006, 2:33 pm PDT

ABUSE

Quote From: qqqhhh

That you control.

It's YOU.

It's THIS: "While I listen to him complain if i even go to the grocery store."

STOP LISTENING!

You hubby can NOT control you -- if you don't give him permission over you.

Stop giving him permission.

It's YOUR LIFE! Live the way YOU want!

Q

Q,

I will do this like I am "still alive".....But the WRATH sure is hard to go through!!!

I am considering going to a community college to take some more courses.....Which I will have to get a part time job or even full time to support it on my own......I am sure he will FLIP OUT...again. I was doing that 4 years ago and POOF....I had to stop!!!!

He saw me looking online at the course offers this morning and he said "Ha" and walked away!

No support and love? You Got It!

lssanders

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