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Messages By: sueervin

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September 13, 2008, 1:41 pm CDT

Shattered Hearts

I would like to comment on the one very tragic moment in my life that I shattered my heart.  November 3, 2004, I lost my 20 year old son in a car accident.  I was home alone when the state troopers came to the door to inform me of his death.  I can remember saying over and over,  "Please tell me you have the wrong boy."  From that moment until the  funeral was over, I lived on automatic pilot.  I think it is a blessing that I do not remember those first days, because I remember fully, the years that have followed.  Within the month, my husband and I entered grief counceling which was once a week for a year.  After that, I went for an additional six months.  The third of each month I go to the cemetery and write my son a letter which I keep in a folder. It would have been so easy to give up and die if it hadn't been for my oldest son.  I did not want him to think that I didn't love him enough to live.  God has been my strength and my help through this tragic time, and I still lean on him for support.  My husband and I have drifted apart because we grieved differently. I'm not saying this has been easy.  Just living each day has been very difficult, because there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my son and miss him.  I know this is something I will never get over.  It took me three years to convience my husband to sell our house and let me move to where there were people around me and no memories hitting me in the face each day.  Since I have moved, I found so much peace because I am not faced with each room holding a memory of my beloved son.  He was such a joy to me, and he and I were very close.  My husband refuses to move into the townhouse with me, because he felt I should have stayed where we were.  He felt I could just close our son's bedroom door and everything would be alright.  I know my life will never be the same again because a huge part of my heart is buried with my son, but I do know that through Christ, I will see him again.  Isn't that all we have?  Our Faith?                                                                                                                                 S.Ervin

 
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October 13, 2008, 9:55 am CDT

My husband also cheated

After watching the show on "You Got Served", I remembered when I found out my husband had cheated on me sixteen years ago.  I guess this begins twenty years ago, when my father died.  My mother was left with not being able to do a lot for herself because of illness.  Since I was the one sister who was a stay-at-mom (two sons 4 and 6) it fell to me to take care of her.  Although my mother was a very strong willed woman and didn't want to be a burden, there were things that she was unable to do because of her illnesses.  My husband and I with our sons lived in an old farm house (this was my husband's choice) with three floors and over 2600 square feet of living space.  My husband was and still is a lawyer and when he came home, he played with the boys and then sat in front of the TV.  His addiction then and is "gamblilng". I went to my mother's house at least three times a week to clean, take her shopping or shop for her when she was unable, and leave church early on Sunday's to start the main dinner for the rest of the family's Sunday visit.  I also kept my own house clean, cooked meals, took care of our two sons, laundry, painted when needed, made minor repairs, took the boys to school functions and activities as they got older, worked a vegetable garden, trimmed the yard (over 2 acres) whenever my husband would mow, and anything else that needed to be done.  If my husband wanted to go to the horse races each weekend I was to pack clothes and the boys into the car and be ready when he got home from work on Friday.  Our vacations were always taken near some place to gamble.  The boys and I spent many nights entertaining ourselves in motels while he gambled.  As the boys got older, they didn't want to go every weekend.  I too did not enjoy these trips and dreaded weekends.  It became easier to stay home with the boys and let my husband go alone.  He started staying late at the office.  When he came home, dinner was usually dried out because he didn't call to let me know he would be late.  After dinner, he usually made an excuse to return to work.  Every weekend he would go to the dog races.  I remember one evening our oldest son asking him why he didn't come home right after work and he told him he didn't want to. I can remember being so lonely during this time. I remeber the boys in the den and I was in the attic/sewing room listening to a talk show just to hear another adult's voice.  I kept asking him if he were having an affair, but he always looked me straight in the eyes and told me "no".  I had no reason not to trust him because our sex life was still happening.  Two to three times a week I felt was a lot since I lived on little energy.  The year after my mother died, I found out he definitely he was cheated in me.  Of course, the weight loss and Corvette helped me to open my dumb eyes.  When he was confronted, he confessed and told me he was planning to end it anyway.  My world went into a tailspin.  I became paranoid out of his sight.  I wanted to confront the woman but he wouldn't let me saying "she was a nice person".  My response, "no nice person breaks up a marriage."  I told him I was staying with him because I loved him (I guess deep down, I really had no other place to go), but if it ever happened again, I would leave because I love me.  The only change he made after finding out about the affair  was to quit seeing her outside of work.  I was the one who had to make all the changes.  I was the one who spent time going whenever he wanted to go someplace, I was the one who had to become the active sex partner doing things I cannot even repeat in my own mind.  I felt like I was prostituting myself to him just to make him happy.  It seemed I was the one whose life was turned upside down and I was the one who had to make it better.  He just sat back and let me do it.  It took me seven years to let go of the pain, but deep inside, I don't belive I've really forgiven him for the hurt that was caused.  When our youngest son died four years ago in a car accident at the age of 20, I began to really realize how selfish my husband has been all through this marriage.  He is a giving man of money and sometimes his time (that is, if it is something he wants to do), but he fully believes the world should revolve around him.  He feels he should be number one this life.  It took me three years after the death of our son for me to get him to sell the house.  I couldn't deal with the pain anymore.  When I chose a townhouse to live in, he decided he didn't like it and isn't sleeping here.  He comes by each morning early for breakfast and a shower and sometimes spends all day, but when evening comes, he leaves and returns to his office to sleep.  I must say I like this arrangement, because when he is around, I am depressed.  I don't want a divorce because I have put in 28 years of my life with this man.  I love him, but most of the time, I really don't like him.  As I look back, I often wonder if I would have changed anything. I have lived with the feeling of not being worthy for so long, that it has taken a lot of strength to over come this.  I know wherein my strength lies and with the Lord's help, I will keep this strength to accept whatever comes.    Sue 
 

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