Messages By: kschmittz

Sonja/Firstamom, 

Just wanted to make a comment to you that you are awesome!  Your "debate" with Diana hit the nail on the head!  I have been "debating" her via website and my personal email and it's so interesting.  Once the conversation reaches a certain point (just like on these boards) where she cannot spew out some rehearsed answer she clams up.  I think we all are glad she feels fulfilled in her position but sad she cannot see any other way of life that may produce great kids/families with morals and values.  Personally, I think she does what she does because she's not 100% happy in her own  life otherwise she wouldn't need to "help" others so badly.  Also, for Duckie and Judy- thank you for being there in the world my children will be in someday.  Duckie, I admire your profession and Judy, my son will be a lawyer some day.  My hope/dream is not that  all Moms stay home or work out but rather focus on teaching their kids what they can.  It's really easy to put blame on a situation outside of our own (I've done it, too!) yet I think once we ALL go beyond our own backyard and see how another situation may be beneficial (although not perfect) that's the beginnig of TRUE change and Sisterhood.  For all SAHM's who realize the life of a WM may NOT be the materialistic, self-absorbed, high-end situation they think- thank you!  It's not easy on either side of the fence.  We all do what we can, when we can to try and be the best parents we can be given our situation.   

Grant, 

Good morning.  I have read both excerpts of your tapings on Dr. Phil online.  Both times I have been really upset at your expectations and demands of Kelly.  Let me first start by explaining that my father is also an electrical engineer- a PHD- so for me that is no excuse or reason for your behavior.  My husband and I (who have been married almost 13 years with 2 kids) have discussed your shows and he had some not-so-nice things to say so I decided to write instead of him. My father has NEVER even begun to treat my mom (his wife of over 40 years) or my brother and I like you treat your family.  I have never seen a list like that  in my life!  My hubby actually made the comment he' s embarrased to be a man because of men like you.  I think you want order and structure.  I get that, Kelly gets that, we all get that.   My oldest son is ADHD so I know how critical organization can be.   However, you're way of doing things may not be reasonable for Kelly with 3 little ones at home.  I can't believe that suddenly  after 7 years Kelly has no housecleaning capabilities that please you.  Maybe, just maybe, the 3 kids can be a little demanding and she needs help getting there or getting things to a point she can maintain them easily.  I might suggest that you pick a day, like Sat., and pick a project.  For example,  pick the hall closet.  If you two do it together, it may only take a couple of hours.  She should have the most input (not all) since she will be home to maintain it.  Then, maybe you could take the kids out to the park so she can really clean and pick up.  Our rule in my house is "If it's not done by noon, it doesn't get done that week".  Saturday is our only day together (we both work) and we like to do things.  Maybe it's grocery shopping, or maybe the mall but we do fun stuff the rest of the day.  I understand that you like things to be run efficiently (I am the same way) however, with 3 kids at home your life is bound to be crazy.   

Also, just think of your kids for a minute.  Do you want someone treating any of your kids that way you treat Kelly?  And growing up thinking you're never good enough?  They will never reach their potential with your constant show of criticism.  You may not yell or scream but you show disapproval a lot of different ways and they can all be very damaging for a very long time.   

Lastly, what is with the maintenance of the applicances?  In my book, that has always been a man's domain.  If you're an engineer why can't you fix the washer?  Just curious because that really sent my hubby over the edge.  He does all "manly" things in the house and then some.  He does dishes, has changed diapers, made bottles, fixes the cars and the house.  Like I said, we both work full time so our theory is whoever is BEST at whatever needs to be done should do it.  For example, I'm good with money so I do all that.  He's good at fixing stuff (he can fix anything) so he takes that task.  Again, it's not about man or woman it's about getting it done and keeping your family intact at the same time!  Good luck to you and yours. 

Kira 

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net 

Myabe it's me but I think so many have missed the point of the show.  I caught them mostly online but did happen to catch a "live"version the other night.  I don't think it's truly about the cleanliness of the house so much as it's about the effect his criticism has on her self esteem.  He has acknowledged that she does work hard but it's minimal in the time /energy he's spent criticizing her and how she does things.  The respect thing works both ways.  It's great that some women are at home and give 100% but I believe their husbands aren't demanding and critical every step of the way either.  I agree, that if a woman is at home the expectations are different than f they both worked.   But for everyone there are different standards and I think it can all be worked out with a little planning. HOWEVER, I don't think the constant criticism  and disapproval is necessary or productive on any level- for Grant, Kelly and the kids.  The kids also feel that tension and that can't be good.  That said, I also think there is so much more to being a husband than to bring home a check big enough to pay the bills.  That is nothing compared to the big picture.  I also think that some women do take advantage of being home and don't give the effort they could.  I'm sure it can be overwhelming but I think a plan and routine can go a long way.  Although, I have never had the option to stay home I can see that it's not easy and there are times when outside help may be beneficial- especially when there are 3 uner the age of 5.  I don't think unless anyone is in the same position as Kelly (meaning with Grant's attitude and 3 kids so little) that they can say she's not doing her job.  I think she's doing the best she can.  Maybe if she did get a Housekeeper for a limited time that could help.  I have a friend with 3 and she homeschools and she has one and it's a saving grace.  That frees up more time with the kids and that's a good thing.  Maybe if Grant took on one or two SMALL tasks with the kids- like baths or bedtime stories- that may help, too.  True, he makes the money but after being away all day from the kids you'd think he'd JUMP at the chance not only to spend time with them BUT also to help Kelly.  I don't know.  It's just hard to see Kelly struggling under Grant's unrealistic expectations.  All in all, I think this could be worked out.  I pray for them and their marriage.   

 I have to take JUDYBLUE22's side on this- marriage is NOT a hierarchy in which we "hold each other accountable".  You say there is room for "renegotiation" yet you expect to be held accountable- that is very contradictory.  Also, if onen partner or the other decides to lose weight, start working out etc. then if they don't the other needs to "hold them accountable"- exactly how does that work?  All of us have things we could or want do better but "accountability" is not something I'd even consider.  Yes, I remind my husband if he said he'd do this or that and it's not done but I try to look at what he does do.  Next, what if Kelly did ask for help?  Grant has made it clear that he is not going to hire anyone to do anything he feels is "her job" as a SAHM.  That's my issue- he wants to be right instead of helping her out.  I don't see anything wrong with Kelly saying "Let's get a housekeeper twice a month" until the kids are a little older and more independent to start helping.  Or, maybe he could take her out to eat more often if he doesn't like her cooking.  If he were to take an ACTIVE role in helping her with constructive ideas maybe just maybe she might want to spend time with him.  Personally, I can't imagine being in that situation but to each his own.  I do not believe his so-called support comes from a pure place.  He uses that he's an engineer as an excuse to be the way he is.  Not acceptable.   

Hello there.  It's been a while since I've posted but life for me is very busy.  Anyhow, I have been "browsing"  and had to comment.  First, I think one of the reasons you may be getting "slack"on your position is because 8 months (give or take) doesn't really constitute a successful marriage or one that "has made it" for most people.  And, the fact "it" got so bad that your husband filed not once but twice doesn't really sit well either- maybe because if that's what it took for you to "get it together" and do what you promised then that really isn't something I'd consider bragging about.  Yes, it's great you are able to get beyond it but again, you are doing what you can to "save" your marriage and IMO this can cloud your perceptions.  Next, accountability works in the workplace but not in a marriage.  The workplace you are PAID to do a certain job and you agree to that when you accept employment. My marriage is not a job it is a privilege.  There is a difference. In my vows, there was nothing about pantry organization but there was love, honor and cherish.  For all of us, that means something different.  The fact that Grant brought her on the show and basically showed all her bad points to America says something about his character.  Why wouldn't he try lifting her up and making her look good?  Last, I think your intentions are good for the most part but your word choice seems really harsh at times.  My husband as great as he is can be VERY forgetful- not remembering a lot of what he "promised".  I have to remind him quite a bit and I'm not always patient about it.  HOWEVER, I realize he is a great guy and at the end of the day I'm lucky to have him.  He wants me to be happy and does his best to make sure that happens.  All in all, I think the issue for Grant and Kelly is not that she ISN'T keeping the house and minding the kids or that she's not trying- she's not doing it to Grant's expectations.  There is a difference between a leader and  tyrant.   

Kira 

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net 

When two people get married they have no idea what life can throw their way.  I'm sure many a man said he would never cheat and does.  I'm sure many a woman said they wanted to have kids and found out they coudn't for whatever reason. So, do you divorce?  Marriage is about loving 

someone no matter what- richer/poorer, sickness/health, good times/bad times. Don't get me wrong- abuse is a dealbreaker in any way shape or form.  But, things like trash cans and pantries are not!  If a woman has the PRIVILEGE of staying home then she does take on the majority of household stuff.  However, I don't think that if she's giving 100% then the hubby needs to be so critical.  If the situation is not working (for either of them) then a sit down to re-negotiate would be key.  That's the point I think you're missing entirely on these posts.  The hubby doesn't have to be a tyrant and demand perfection.  I'm sure at his job he has forgotten a thing or two but the bottom line is he's doing the best he can with what he's given.  I think for Kelly/Grant she is doing what she can and Grant is totally unwilling to try and help.  He made comments to the effect of he can afford a housekeeper, nanny, etc. so wouldn't that be a wise investment at this stage ?  I can only speak for my husband but if my sanity /our marriage were on the line and he could aid in helping he would do it in a minute!  I cannot imagine a husband who wouldn't- or a wife for that matter.  That's part of marriage- wanting to help the other when they are down!!!   It seems you are very concerned with "he said, she said" and that's OK if that works for you.  Most of us got married to have someone to pull us from the muck when necessary- not leave because I said this or that and I'm not doing it.  BTW, I am very capable of learning from other's stories when they relate to me.  Your story didn't impress me as we have very different marriages.  However, it did make me appreciate my hubby that much more, as does Grant/Kelly's story.   Again, I'm glad you and your husband found strength through filing divorce- I just hope that for me and mine we can find strength in helping each other.   

This is the post where Grant claims he could afford to hire help for Kelly.  Unfortunately, my puter is having issues so I can't figure out how to cut/paste on these boards yet.  Anyhow, just wanted to show that yes, Grant, could afford to help out- in more ways than one.  Hiring help or even, God forbid, taking on some duties himself.  For example, I have mentioned in other posts about him taking one/two small things he could do consistently to lighten Kelly's load.  No reponse.  I just don't buy your whole mentality.  Yes, my husband is the leader of the home but is not a tyrant.  Also, I believe each the man/woman need to be strong in the home.  It's about balance, partnership and respect.  You and others like you (Diana, Bree) have that respect from your husband's - Kelly doesn't and that's what this is all about.  I heard  a statement once that it's easy to be friends with people who are nice to you.  This is kinda the same.   It's easy to be good to someone who is good to you.  I know, I know, you have been there.  Again, I don't think anyone who is divorced, has no kids, or was close to divorce really holds any weight on this particular subject.   I look more towards people who have successfully gone through 15+ years of marriage as my mentors.  As a woman, I find it totally offensive that you can't seem to support Kelly.  She is trying, she is willing but you know what- she deserves to be treated with respect.  I don't see Grant bringing home a check as  justification for his attitude towards her.  Also, just as a side note, my hubby has no respect for him either.  Any MAN would want whatever it takes, however it takes for his wife to be happy instead of waiting on his "high horse" for her to "get it".