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February 5, 2007, 6:37 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: leah1991

Tara,

 

I didn't see the show today. I have only read the show summary and some of the posts. I do want to say that my husband and I used to have a very tumultuos relationship. We were actually together for 4 1/2 years and split up. We got back together 2 years later. We broke up because I couldn't stand the screaming, fighting, name-calling, cussing, throwing things and all out disrespect and lack of love. We both had terrible tempers, we were both guilty of all of the above. We even got violent with each other on a few occasions.

 

We are married now. Though I can say the second time around wasn't crazy like the first time because neither of us wanted to go back to that, it still wasn't that great. We still didn't know how to deal with conflict. We just ignored each other and gave the cold shoulder. I often nagged and nagged to try and get my husband to do what I thought he should do. We never really dealt with anything and the resentment would build up. We would have occassional blowups to let off steam but still never resolved anything.

 

I can say that now we have a pretty good marriage. We aren't perfect but we both make an effort in the marriage and I know my husband loves me. He often calls me from work just to say so, he spends time with me, shows me lots of affection, he's not much for housework and never has been. He does do the yard work. But I'm a stay at home mom so that's not a big deal to me. My kids and I can get the housework done. He doesn't gripe if the house isn't spit spot clean.

 

I used to nag my husband all the time to change. Give him ultimatums if he didn't change. That made him more resentful and more stubborn. My husband is hispanic. Though he isn't a control freak he doesn't take too well to being told what to do. I don't think many other men of other races and nationalities really like it either to be honest.

 

I don't know if you're ultimate goal is to make improvements in your relationship or if this is just to prove a point before ending the marriage. There are situations where even if you do everything right the other person will just refuse to accept any responsibilty for anything. That could be the case for you and your husband.

 

I'm going to assume that you want help or you wouldn't be on the show.

 

This is what turned things around for us. I had to learn to respect my husband whether he deserved it or not. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. You see R-E-S-P-E-C-T is how men spell love. They could care less about flowers, candy, cards, and all the little things that women like. Maybe you don't like these things much , but most women in general do. I am a Christian and one place in the Bible says that a woman must see to it that she respects her husband. It made me mad when I first saw it. I thought that repect was something a man had to earn. But he shouldn't have to earn it anymore than we should have to earn our husband's love. We place a lot of conditions on things that God said we were to do without exception. We are to honor our parents whether they deserve it or not. Respect our husbands whether they deserve it or not, and husbands are to love their wives whether they deserve it or not. That doesn't mean being a doormat or agreeing with them all the time. It just means recognizing his intrinsic value as a human being and treating him with dignity and respect no matter what he does. I wasn't able to do this without asking God to change my heart. Quite frankly, I couldn't stand to even look at my husband. I certainly didn't want him touching me. Respect, hah.

 

But I swallowed my pride and started doing it. I didn't have anything to lose. Things couldn't get any worse. I quit contending with him on every decision that needed to be made. I still gave my thoughts on things but I quit demanding he do things my way. I figured he probably wasn't as incompetent as I had led myself to believe. He is a manger at his job. If he did screw up, God would get us through it. We all make bad decisions sometimes. I quit criticizing him to people all the time, I quit criticizing him to his face all the time. I quit bringing up things from the past and learned to forgive. That was hard. I quit replaying a mental list of all of his faults in my head everyday. I started focusing on his good qualities, that wasn't always easy. Sometimes I was so upset with him I could barely come up with one thing. If that didn't work I would just think about how good God is. I learned to stop judging him for his faults and recognized that I often wasn't a peach either. All these little changes in me added up. My husband started to reciprocate after a while.

 

Since I didn't see the show today, I don't know how much of a jerk your husband can be. I can tell you that mine could be a real jerk. But under all that macho bullheadedness was just a scared little boy looking for a safe place to play. My husband is actually very tender and soft on the inside. But he still is pretty tough at work. At home he's more a teddy bear.

 

Since things were so bad in our relationship and God turned it around when we started doing things HIS way, I know God can turn any marriage around. As long as I kept sitting around waiting for my husband to get his act together it never got better. All of my efforts to force change made the situation worse. I finally decided to get my act together whether hy husband did or not. It wasn't easy but I am so glad I did and so are our kids.

 

I will be praying for you and your husband. I hope that neither you or your husband feel judged by anything that I have said because it wasn't my intention at all.

 

God Bless You.

 

Candace

 

1 Peter 3:1-2

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

 

OH, I almost forgot. Whoever came up with the idea to trash the house in an effort to make things better has some real strange logic. I think that would've ticked most people off. If your trying to mend relationships you can't do that by repaying evil for evil. You overcome evil with good.

 

How do I even start to make my comments on a post like this...sigh...

I will only make 3 remarks

1-I find it offensive that you would lump all Hispanic men the way you have.

2-You seem to have this idea that women want flowers and not respect. I have never in my life wanted flowers. Flowers and candy aren't some respect band-aid to placate a little woman.

3-"Respect our husbands whether they deserve it or not, and husbands are to love their wives whether they deserve it or not."  Is this a joke? Why would you waste emotions and time on people who don't earn it?
 
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February 5, 2007, 8:05 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: taramichelle

Actually i really appreciate someone actually being an adult. I thank her greatly for her advice!!
What does her advice have to do with "being an adult"?  If being a doormat and an excuse for a mans bad behavior is "adult" then I want nothing to do with "adult"...thank you.
 
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February 5, 2007, 8:16 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: dixiedobbi

She didnt lump all Hispanic men, I lilve in texas and I know they are very possesive and controlling. It is their culture to be that way. Dont pretend its not real. IT IS REAL! Ive dated them.

Of course not all are the same. But its true they have a culture that is different. They "ALLOW" things that my family NEVER ALLOWED. It was a big surprise to me to see it and learn it.

 

Dont know her because she likes flowers. I totally understand what this lady is talking about. Men do want respect. Ive learned that from my church pastor, and from 2 marriage counselors. Its the MAIN THING they want. We want symbols of love. It might be something different from you, but Im sorry, RESPECT is not the main thing I want from a man. I recommend you read "The 5 Love Languages" Some women want Physical affection, some want words that are sweet, some want gifts, some want your time and some want "acts of service".

Even Dr. Phil talks about how robin loved it when he gave her chocolate eclairs. He jokes "I knew her currency was food, so I could get Robin to do anything for a chocolate eclair."

Please dont know this lady. She is very wise.

 

We should respect our husbands, ev en when they dont deserve it. Dont you know about wedding vows "Love is always patient, Love is always kind, love doesnt keep a record of wrongs, love never fails,"  Even though my main has been mean to me, I try to remember what the Pastor told us on our wedding day and I tried to remember Corinthians.

Maybe this person is very young and unmarried and doesnt understand. Maybe not. Maybe you are just stronger than some of us. But dont knock this lady. She makes a lot of sense to me, and im 43 and a grandmother and been married 15 years this time and would of been 26 if not for the first divorce.

Thanks for listening.

Dont judge someone unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. Gods Blessings.

And again, why are you stereotyping everyone? Not all men value some bogus "man respect" more than anything else. My husband for one values honesty, trust and my feelings above anything else...JUST AS I value honesty, trust and HIS feelings above anything else...the only thing we value more is our daughter.

And why would I read what you recommend? I have not marital problems, I have no need for marital advice.
 
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February 5, 2007, 8:52 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: dixiedobbi

Well maybe you got lucky and found the one man in the world who doesnt need respect.

 

 I think that you ARE RESPECTING him without realizing it.  The things you are doing are good , keep on doing them. the book i was referring to is called the 5 love languages.  They also have one called The 5 love languages for children.

 

What it means is that we all give and receive love in our own way. I personally LOVE HUGS and I love back rubs. It makes me feel great. If my husband gives me a present, it really doesnt mean much to me. I dont need flowers really. But I love physical affection.

He doesnt need that. What he "NEEDS" is for me to do things he asks me. We did have to go to counseling because he told me he didnt think i cared about him! I was shocked. I gave him a list of all the reasons I love him but he didnt "feel " loved.

So we learned to give it to each other the way we need it.   Thats all. My mother doesnt need hugs or praise or acts of service. She lvoes gifts. Even if it is a flower I picked from my yard. She goes nuts over it! I mean nuts!

Its a good book.
Im glad you have a good marriage, and its working. You are lucky. But most of us have to work hard.  Dont judge others unless you've walked in their shoes.

The women on Dr. Phil are being verbally and emotionally abused. They did not ask for it. They only married men who are flawed. They cant get the men to change. Its the men who are messed up. They do have some "ownership" in the problem though. The main thing is that they stay.

Good healthy men though who dont abuse still need more respect than what most women understand. The bible says "men love your wives like Christ loves the church" and women "respect your husbands". Its a primal need they have.  It doesnt mean letting them run over you. It means trusting them and letting them be the head of the family.  But never take abuse. Its not right.

I mean arnt we all sisters in Christ anyway?

Gods Blessings,

DD

When on earth did I EVER say my husband doesn't need respect? I just said it wasn't on the top of his list. And what kind of respect are you talking about...your brand? The fake kind...the kind of respect a woman should give a man simply because he carries a penis? No thank you. My husband is evolved enough to not need that kind of FAKE respect.

We respect EACH OTHER.

Your posts make me sad...really. I mean that. I feel very sorry for you that you have been brainwashed into this kind of thinking. "What he NEEDS is for me to do the things he asks"...that's what HE gets...a slave...and what do you get? An occasional BACK RUB? Wow, he made out like a BANDIT.

I'm an atheist...so your jesus talk means nothing to me.
 
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February 5, 2007, 9:13 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: dixiedobbi

Well maybe you got lucky and found the one man in the world who doesnt need respect.

 

 I think that you ARE RESPECTING him without realizing it.  The things you are doing are good , keep on doing them. the book i was referring to is called the 5 love languages.  They also have one called The 5 love languages for children.

 

What it means is that we all give and receive love in our own way. I personally LOVE HUGS and I love back rubs. It makes me feel great. If my husband gives me a present, it really doesnt mean much to me. I dont need flowers really. But I love physical affection.

He doesnt need that. What he "NEEDS" is for me to do things he asks me. We did have to go to counseling because he told me he didnt think i cared about him! I was shocked. I gave him a list of all the reasons I love him but he didnt "feel " loved.

So we learned to give it to each other the way we need it.   Thats all. My mother doesnt need hugs or praise or acts of service. She lvoes gifts. Even if it is a flower I picked from my yard. She goes nuts over it! I mean nuts!

Its a good book.
Im glad you have a good marriage, and its working. You are lucky. But most of us have to work hard.  Dont judge others unless you've walked in their shoes.

The women on Dr. Phil are being verbally and emotionally abused. They did not ask for it. They only married men who are flawed. They cant get the men to change. Its the men who are messed up. They do have some "ownership" in the problem though. The main thing is that they stay.

Good healthy men though who dont abuse still need more respect than what most women understand. The bible says "men love your wives like Christ loves the church" and women "respect your husbands". Its a primal need they have.  It doesnt mean letting them run over you. It means trusting them and letting them be the head of the family.  But never take abuse. Its not right.

I mean arnt we all sisters in Christ anyway?

Gods Blessings,

DD

I am not doing anything even remotely close to what you are describing here. My husband and I both see each other as human beings and we treat each other as such, with respect and love. He doesn't get more respect than me because he's a man. There is not "primal need" for men to have uncalled for respect from their women.

My husband is not "head" of the family. WE are both head of the family.

Your husband seems to have a pretty sweet deal with you. You do everything he says: "What he 'NEEDS' is for me to do the things he asks." and you get back rubs in return.

Why is it best to stay while being abused? You think it's better to stay in an abusive marriage, become submissive and do all in your power to make your husband happy despite your real happiness...long as you get a pat on the head occasionally (back rub)....that makes me very sad.

BTW, I am an atheist. I do not believe in Jesus. I do not believe in God.
 
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February 5, 2007, 9:16 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: taramichelle

i totally agree with that. but we do not yell in front of her every min of every day it happens occasionally so that makes him a bad father all the time. look i am not justifiying his behavior by any means but just finish watching the show before you judge him as a father. that is a really touch subject for me. our child does not deserve this.
Your daughter isn't being hurt by these posts. People are merely commenting on what they see. Screaming in front of a child is never good. If this is done while cameras are rolling one can only imagine what is going on when they aren't.
 
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February 5, 2007, 9:20 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: dixiedobbi

Well maybe you got lucky and found the one man in the world who doesnt need respect.

 

 I think that you ARE RESPECTING him without realizing it.  The things you are doing are good , keep on doing them. the book i was referring to is called the 5 love languages.  They also have one called The 5 love languages for children.

 

What it means is that we all give and receive love in our own way. I personally LOVE HUGS and I love back rubs. It makes me feel great. If my husband gives me a present, it really doesnt mean much to me. I dont need flowers really. But I love physical affection.

He doesnt need that. What he "NEEDS" is for me to do things he asks me. We did have to go to counseling because he told me he didnt think i cared about him! I was shocked. I gave him a list of all the reasons I love him but he didnt "feel " loved.

So we learned to give it to each other the way we need it.   Thats all. My mother doesnt need hugs or praise or acts of service. She lvoes gifts. Even if it is a flower I picked from my yard. She goes nuts over it! I mean nuts!

Its a good book.
Im glad you have a good marriage, and its working. You are lucky. But most of us have to work hard.  Dont judge others unless you've walked in their shoes.

The women on Dr. Phil are being verbally and emotionally abused. They did not ask for it. They only married men who are flawed. They cant get the men to change. Its the men who are messed up. They do have some "ownership" in the problem though. The main thing is that they stay.

Good healthy men though who dont abuse still need more respect than what most women understand. The bible says "men love your wives like Christ loves the church" and women "respect your husbands". Its a primal need they have.  It doesnt mean letting them run over you. It means trusting them and letting them be the head of the family.  But never take abuse. Its not right.

I mean arnt we all sisters in Christ anyway?

Gods Blessings,

DD

Sounds like your husband has a good deal going. You have to do everything he says and you get a back rub in return.

"I mean arnt we all sisters in Christ anyway?"

No.
 
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February 5, 2007, 9:47 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: lucky24

More than just anger management training there needs to be some serious therapy to get to the bottom of what all that anger is about. Scott, trust the process - take a leap of faith - the rewards could be HUGE. 
The problem with those who need anger therapy is that they don't think they need it! LOL
 
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February 5, 2007, 10:41 pm CST

02/05 The Dr. Phil House: Man Camp

Quote From: dixiedobbi

Well maybe you got lucky and found the one man in the world who doesnt need respect.

 

 I think that you ARE RESPECTING him without realizing it.  The things you are doing are good , keep on doing them. the book i was referring to is called the 5 love languages.  They also have one called The 5 love languages for children.

 

What it means is that we all give and receive love in our own way. I personally LOVE HUGS and I love back rubs. It makes me feel great. If my husband gives me a present, it really doesnt mean much to me. I dont need flowers really. But I love physical affection.

He doesnt need that. What he "NEEDS" is for me to do things he asks me. We did have to go to counseling because he told me he didnt think i cared about him! I was shocked. I gave him a list of all the reasons I love him but he didnt "feel " loved.

So we learned to give it to each other the way we need it.   Thats all. My mother doesnt need hugs or praise or acts of service. She lvoes gifts. Even if it is a flower I picked from my yard. She goes nuts over it! I mean nuts!

Its a good book.
Im glad you have a good marriage, and its working. You are lucky. But most of us have to work hard.  Dont judge others unless you've walked in their shoes.

The women on Dr. Phil are being verbally and emotionally abused. They did not ask for it. They only married men who are flawed. They cant get the men to change. Its the men who are messed up. They do have some "ownership" in the problem though. The main thing is that they stay.

Good healthy men though who dont abuse still need more respect than what most women understand. The bible says "men love your wives like Christ loves the church" and women "respect your husbands". Its a primal need they have.  It doesnt mean letting them run over you. It means trusting them and letting them be the head of the family.  But never take abuse. Its not right.

I mean arnt we all sisters in Christ anyway?

Gods Blessings,

DD

Sorry, seems some techincal difficulty. I only meant to respond once, not three times.
 
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February 5, 2007, 11:16 pm CST

11/24 Great School Debate

Quote From: kschmittz

Violence, generally, is not exclusive to the schoolyard.  Meaning, most homeschoolers claim schools are so violent but continue to live in that neighborhood.  I don't understand this.  You admit, there are safer areas you could move to, right?  So, why don't you?  Isn't your child's safety the first priority?  For the record, I moved to the absolute safest area I could afford and few (if any) are safer. 

 

From day one, you claim you have taught personal responsibility.  So, to expand on this what if one of your kids didn't do what you knew he was capable of?  All your other kids can, why not this one?  Like I said, it's almost impossible for someone outside out the situation to understand the decision we made.  

 

As for your children being in the world. ....how does that happen when they are at home with you to learn with you all day?  Yes, I'm sure you go out but again YOU are there most of the time.  I am not at school with my son so now he has choices, free will and judgment calls to make.  When I do volunteer he is an angel BECAUSE I AM THERE.    It's how he acts when I'm not around that really counts.  When a teacher or another parent comes to me to tell me something neat or interesting that my son did it warms my heart.  It is then I KNOW, without a doubt, what I have taught him he understands and applies in life.  With me there 24/7 I can't say what I see is real or just a show for Mom.  I also wonder about kids who have only dealt with adults all day....how do they deal with peers their own age outside of the homeschool arena. 

 

You're absolutely right that learning doesn't happen because of the buildings or the teacher.  However,  a teacher may see things that I don't because she is there all day with him and I am not.  She is trained to see things that I am not.  I am his teacher for life lessons she is his teacher for academics.  I am comfortable with that.  I am not the ONLY person in my son's life who can teach him things.  That is done (IMO) by exposure.  Don't think that just because he is in a classroom he doesn't experience the same things as any homeschooled child does. 

 

I don't really care what you do with your students.  I just think with every standard being changed for every kid so no one feels different or left behind is an injustice to our youth.  The world will not be so forgiving.  They will have expectations of them whether or not they are fair or realistic.  I want my son to measure up by any standard put in front of him.  I feel I am doing that. 

You really have a skewed view of home schooling don't you? You think that home schooled kids are only with adults and their parents all the time? People have told you repeatedly that that is NOT true. They have friends, activities, sleep overs, parties, play dates, social outings...just like "normal" kids.
 

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