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Messages By: havinfun969

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September 15, 2007, 8:37 pm CDT

It Depends On The Maturity Of The Couple

I am 23 years old and my fiance and i have been together for 3 1/2 years and he is now 38.(we are getting amrried next summer)  I have heard peoples opinions but if anyone saw us on a daily basis, you would see how well we work together. Yes, we have our minor issues that i think have to do with age but i have the most wonderful relationship with him. i have been in the worst relationships, (restraining orders, police records, etc.) so i know how much to appreicate what i have now. i have always been way more mature for my age than i should have ever been made to be but it has made me into the woman i am today. i truly believe that it depends on the couple and their maturity. get to know that person and the relationship first. now, if there are signs that the relationship is unhealthy, than stand up for the person that you care about that is involved. no matter the age differance, a relationship should never be unhealthy.
 
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September 15, 2007, 11:24 pm CDT

Please feel free to email me

Quote From: kitkat23

I'm new to this site and the message board, I just found it online last night. With everything that has been going on in my life with this subject, it's at least comforting to know that I can go to a place like this where someone else can understand my point.

I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, lived together for 3. We love each other very much. However, this porn thing is keeping us from moving forward, I feel like we're only going backwards. My boyfriend has had porn since he was a little kid, it has always been there. He used to masterbate to it every day, often times more than once. He's never had an orgasm with another woman before, until we got together. He's orgasms with me everytime, we have great sex. Sex with him never gets old (so far). His porn usage has gone down alot.

When we first moved in together, I noticed the porn. I've been with men before, most of them owned porn. It never bothered me. I think it bothers me with him because he's made me feel more attractive, more sexy than any man has. We love each other on a level that I haven't had. I'm closer to him than I've been with anyone else. For me, when he looks at itI see myself now as only one in a million women he's sexually attracted to. I feel like he's taking something special that we have and taking it someplace else. I know he doesn't find those women more attractive than me, he says that they're sexual objects in porn and that's what he wants to look at when he masterbates. I don't think that I'm unattractive, I think that I am. (i don't mean for that to sound vain) I've given him photos of me in pretty explicit ways, and he deletes them immediately. He says he doesn't want to see me as only a sexual object, and that he'd much rather have sex wth me instead of masterbate to dirty pictures of me. He says he couldn't do it.

When I first asked him to stop, he did. He got rid of his porn and said "if this is something that will make you happy, I'll do it", little did I know at the time, it was going to be much more complicated that. Since that, he's snuck around behind me back, lied, when he didn't have access to porn, he would resort to nude shots in movies. He's even masterbated to a Salma Hayek in a bikini, a Shakira music video, and tons more. That right there crushed me, I liked Shakira and I can't stand to look at her now :-) When we talked about it, he said he did it because when he was young and didn't have access to it, t his is what he used to get off. Which makes sense but doesn't take away the pain in the least bit. This hurt even more than porn, because now it's just a regular woman wearing clothes.

We've been to couples counseling with several different therapists, he's been to his his own therapy too. Recently, he went to see a specialist who deals with sex and porn addiction. The only thing we've come down to is that he doesn't want to stop for himself, only for me. He enjoys it to the point where he can't and doesn't want to stop. I'm not an expert by any means, but I feel like he just stopped growing mentally as a child in a way like has a developmental disorder. He has ALWAYS had porn and for him, that's the only way he can get off alone.

I give him credit for "trying", he has tried to stop in a number of ways. But right now I'm more hurt and stressed out than ever about this because we've finally come to the end of this by both coming to terms with the fact that he will NEVER stop. If it wasn't for this, I would marry him in a heartbeat and have his child. We were engaged at one point, but this issue put a stop to that. I know that I either have to accept it or move on. It hurts to imagine my life without him, but it also hurts to know that he's going to be looking at a million different women and getting off to them. I don't feel comfortable having sex with him, knowing that he's doing this. We've gone months before not having sex because of this, It's exhausting to think that this will happen again. It hurts, becuase even ethough he tries to have sex with me...he dosn't put a stop to the porn in order to get it.

I don't know what to do. I know the answer has been clear to many people that I've talked to about this, "just leave him, if you don't like it or can't deal with it." Which is the best answer, honestly. I just feel completely alone in this now, because either way with any decision I make, I won't be happy with the outcome. If I leave him, who's to say that I won't run into to this problem again? Porn makes more money each year than regular movies alone. There are millions upon millions of men that look at porn. I've come eth is far with him. I don't want to deal with this again with another man. I know he would never cheat on me, I know it in my heart. I don't want to find a man and fall in love with him that could hurt me even more than I've alrealdy been hurt. Does anyone understand, or do I sound completely pathetic?

Another thing I keep questioning, if he's this into me sexuallycan I find a man that will be the same but WON'T like porn? It's kind of like this, if I find a man who doesn't like porn, he may not even be that sexual of a guy, and I don't want that. I enjoy having feeling this sexually attractive to him and I enjoy the sex we have. I don't want a relationship where I'd be bored in that sense.

I could write so much more about details or examples, but this message is long enough :-) Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom??

hello...i feel your pain in so many ways. i am shocked that there is someone out there that almost mirrors the problems that i am having. i dont want to write much here but i would like to have a chance to chat with you if thats ok. i really need someone to talk to that understands. if it makes you feel better at knowing something about me, i am am 23 years old, i live in oklahoma and my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. PLEASE EMAIL me at strawbearykisses99@yahoo.com. i REALLY want someone to talk to. only you can understand the confusion, anger, pain and thoughts that go on.  i have been dealing with these issues for over a year. PLEASE feel free to email me. i would like to talk to someone that understands.

 

until later,

Kea

 
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September 15, 2007, 11:43 pm CDT

same issues

Quote From: fleischermom67

My husband and I have been together for 5 years , living together for 4 and married for 2 years. Before we moved in together we just to be at it constantly , any chance we got we were going at it. Then we moved in together and it slowed down a little (which I expected that), but since we have been married (which we didnt even have sex on our wedding night !!!) I am lucky if I get sex 3 times a month. I have hinted , I have initiated it and nothing. I have asked if it was me, if there was something wrong and I just keep getting the same answer nothing is wrong I am just tired. Now when he wants to have sex that is a different story. It has come to the point that is the only time we have sex is when he wants it. Does anyone know of anything I can do to change this?? It is really putting a strain on my marriage. I have told him time and time again it feels like we are just roomates that have sex every now and then and nothing more. HELP!! any advice is good advice at this point.
i understand where ur coming from. im lucky if i get it more than once every 6 months. in every other aspect of our relationship, we are extremly happy. when it comes to the sex life, nothing.. i always get the "im tired," "im sore," "i just dont have an interest in it." the excuses are always the same. we love each other dearly but there is no intimicy, sex or anything else. he'll tease me sometimes but it never goes anywhere. i know he will never cheat on me or leave me. he seems happy with not having a sex life. he uses porn instead. that has been my biggest issue. he tells me hes not interested in sex but he uses porn regularly. i dont trust him with the internet.  I DONT UNDERSTAND. i think its some type of mental issue that is going on that he wont talk to me about. i have poked and proded, been understanding and bent over backwards trying to understand. if anyone reading this has any advice, PLEASE pass it on. i have said everything that i can think of to spark things again and even admitted things to him that men are supposed to be interested in and nothing. i cant reach him. PLEASE HELP!! its confusing and its hurts when ur fiance wont touch you. not to be conceited, but im not ugly and im not overweight. i dont understand. please help
 
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September 15, 2007, 11:44 pm CDT

Differing Sex Drives

Quote From: havinfun969

i understand where ur coming from. im lucky if i get it more than once every 6 months. in every other aspect of our relationship, we are extremly happy. when it comes to the sex life, nothing.. i always get the "im tired," "im sore," "i just dont have an interest in it." the excuses are always the same. we love each other dearly but there is no intimicy, sex or anything else. he'll tease me sometimes but it never goes anywhere. i know he will never cheat on me or leave me. he seems happy with not having a sex life. he uses porn instead. that has been my biggest issue. he tells me hes not interested in sex but he uses porn regularly. i dont trust him with the internet.  I DONT UNDERSTAND. i think its some type of mental issue that is going on that he wont talk to me about. i have poked and proded, been understanding and bent over backwards trying to understand. if anyone reading this has any advice, PLEASE pass it on. i have said everything that i can think of to spark things again and even admitted things to him that men are supposed to be interested in and nothing. i cant reach him. PLEASE HELP!! its confusing and its hurts when ur fiance wont touch you. not to be conceited, but im not ugly and im not overweight. i dont understand. please help
i guess it would help to have an email if you feel better emailing me. strawbearykisses99@yahoo.com
 

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