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Messages By: mysterytome

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June 5, 2008, 8:01 am CDT

Strength in numbers?

Quote From: lisa41kids

 Hi, My name is lisa and I am 46 years old. I am 5'6" and weigh 360 lbs. I am a single mom with a income of around 10,000 a year. I cannot afford a trainer, a counselor, diet food, a gym.  I have been fat all my life. I even had gastric bypass surgery in 2001 and would'nt you know it I  was  one of the 1% it failed on.  I  lost 70 lbs the first year and normally you lose about 150 lbs. So they did a upper gi and my smaller stomach is leaking into the larger stomach.  I now have gained the weight back and am back at the 360 I started at.  I feel like I want to lose weight in the  worst way  but I continue to fail.  I am in pain most of the time with my knees and back.  Why do I continue to do this to myself?  I do not even understand why.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I also suffer from panic disorder and depression which I believe is somewhat due to my weight.

Thanks
Lisa 

Lisa, I am Jodi.  I am also obese.  I have never had surgery and can't afford any of those things.  I did splurge on one thing though....a good pair of sneakers.  Walking is free and great exercise to start with.  My problem is that I HATE exercise of any kind except swimming.  I wrote because I was starting a diary on line here.  You may be interested, you may not.  Check it out and let me know.  We may be able to support each other.  I am mother to 5.  I have a diagnosis of major depression.  I still want to fight, what about you? 

 
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November 13, 2008, 2:58 pm CST

My secret shame

I live with secrets everyday of my life.  I live with them because the fear of what will happen if I reveal them is greater than the shame of carrying them around.  I once read an article Dr. Phil wrote about fear and how it was robbing us of our lives.  In so many ways that is true for me. 

 

I can relate to several of the folks on the show.  In truth, I consider them heroes for facing their secrets and helping others to face theirs.  I hope they go on and live as they were meant to live after this is over.  I hope they use the resources that are waiting for them. 

 

During the entire 3 sessions of the show, I sat watching.  I listened carefully to every word.  I watched every tear and every emotion.  And I did what I always do.  I disconnected.  I am so frustrated.  I wanted to feel something.  I wanted to feel some connection to them and some connection to the little person in me.  I wanted to cry but just could not feel it.  I was even pissed off because they could and I couldn't.  That is a horrible thought to have but that's my honest reaction.   

 

I am going to be 33 this year.  I have 5 great kids.  I have a great job.  I have supportive parents and friends who love me.  And I am dying inside.  Not one person in this world knows who I really am.  And I can't even feel sad about that.  I smile when I want to throw things or cry.  I eat whenever I feel uncomfortable feelings.  I am nearing 400 pounds. 

 

The weight insulates me and keeps me safe from some things.  It subjects me to other things.  People don't bother to ask too many questions when you weigh this much.  They stay away and make comments as if somehow being obese makes you deaf as well.  I'm glad they don't ask.  But behind the walls where I huddle and hide and dream of something better,  I wonder if anyone will ever come looking for me and if I even deserve to be found.   And I ask myself why the hell can't I be brave enough to step out, much like your guests have and ask for help. 

 

I taped these shows.  I will watch them again.  And maybe someday, because of them, I will have the courage to live. 

 
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confused
November 14, 2008, 6:12 pm CST

HMMMMMMM

Quote From: wishonshtgstar

C'mon people. Suck it up. I too have had many things happen to me in earlier years. Shut up and quit whining. If you are aware of it, get  help yourself. I get tired of people whining about their lives. Poor me syndrom runs rampant in America. I wanted to hurl at the weakness people showed. Brave, my  ass. If they were brave, they  would have done this "therapy" thing earlier in their lives. Cry me a freaking river! We all have sob stories.

(this post contains intentional sarcasm)

 

I hope that you can become comfortable in your own shoes.  I read and reread your post trying to find some way to see your point of view.  It is yours and you are entitled to it.  I must admit that I was angry when I first read it, especially when, for some, this is the only release they may ever get.  I have NEVER told anyone what happened to me and I don't whine to others.   In fact, looking at my life from the outside, you would say that I have it made.  But maybe you were slightly right in my case, maybe I was looking for some sympathy.  I would like to think I was looking for some empathy and some understanding from people who felt the same way I do.  Maybe you are the brave one and we are all the weak ones.  It must take great courage to stand rock solid on your own.  It must bore you to tears to sit for hours and read the Dr. Phil boards when you are such a together person.  I am really sorry that I bored you with how I was feeling.  You may not want to read anymore of my posts.  Unlike you, I am weak and I may need to lean on someone again in the future.  I hope that someone read my story and thought, "Wow, I am not the only one drowning. And it will be okay."  A together person like you probably wouldn't understand that and its okay.  I hope that people like me do not get scared to share their stories when they read your posts.  After all, the truth is, good or bad, there are more people like me who need other people, than there are like you who dont. 

 

Now if you are ready to get real, let us know.  One of our sorry selves may be able to help you one day. 

 
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November 26, 2008, 6:00 pm CST

Clear cut for me

Look, we have all had relationships where we have stayed past the fresh date.  I don't care if it was a friendship, partnership, family situation, or lover.  We have all put up with something we shouldn't have at one point or another.  FOr some it was a shorter time.  But here is MY problem with this situation.  This man FAILED a test on using children or images of children for sexual gratification.  HE FAILED.  I don't care if the chair was uncomfortable.  I don't care if after he said nothing was confusing, he was suddenly confused.  HE FAILED the test. 

THis woman has children in this mess.  I can understand putting up with something when it is just you involved.  But this man has a disease that brought him to look at children as something sexual.  Maybe you can heal that and maybe you can't.  But he isn't even willing to admit it honestly much less deal with it.    What do you do with that???  You protect your children.   PERIOD.  First and foremost you protect your children.  There may be hope for them after therapy and yada yada.  But you get your children safe first. 

I am a recovering drug addict.  I will be for the rest of my life.  I can't suddenly go hanging around a line of meth and think that I will be okay with that.  It has been 10 years.  I stillllll wouldn't go into those places.  I cant see how someone who has a sexual addiction can be any less diligent.  And if someone looks at children in that way than they need to stay away from them or see them under supervision. 

I know the mother hurts.  I know she was dealt a crappy hand.  But she has children who didn't ask for any of this either.  Its no longer about her alone.  What do I do with this??  Lady, you get your children safe.  Then go to counseling to sort you out.  I will pray for you and the kids.  I will also pray for your husband.  Addiction is a horrid and cruel disease.  Take steps to reclaim your life. 

 
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November 30, 2008, 10:48 am CST

Money woes

We have been broke so the economic meltdown isn't new or suprising to us.  My husband pays almost $600 a month in child support to children he isn't allowed to see.  Because of crippling debt, we haven't been able to challenge anything in court.  Money from second jobs goes to pay our bills or feed our children.  He is behind on child support by an awefully big amount.  I make no excuses for him.  He shouldn't be behind and he will have to make it right.  Those kids deserve to be supported and we are doing our best to catch up. 

 

I have mounting debt with hospital bills.  I have no credit cards and even if I could get one, I wouldn't.  I had one when I was 18 and knew no better.  I wouldn't touch one now for all the rice in China.  But we are still in a ton of debt from those hospital bills and from student loans. 

 

We fight about money all the time.  I control the money I make and sometimes the money he makes.  I make no apologies.  He went to jail for 13 months for writing bad checks.  It happened before I met him but he lied about the severity of it and I was left alone to have our son.  I nearly died and the baby was 8 months old before my husband got to come home.  When he controlls money, he spends like he is a millionaire and leaves me nothing to pay the bills.  He can't stick to a budget.  I consider having $25 left in the checkbook broke.  He considers .25cents in the checkbook broke.  I never bounced a check in my life until we got together and he wrote checks with me.  After that, I took over the money.   He resents it.  I resent it.  I want a partner to sit down and pay the bills with me, to tell each other it will be alright, to formulate a plan together.  What I have is someone who is angry everytime I bring up a bill or a due date and screams at me to get off his ass about money.  Further, because so much of his paycheck is taken away, he quits his jobs often.  He has been through 6 of them in the last 2 years.  When he quits, I put pressure on him to get a job because We can't make it without his income and because his other children NEED his child support.  He gets angry and resentful and tells me that I only care about money.  Funny because I havent been able to buy myself new clothes or even underwear in over a year!!  My dad doesnt like him because he wont support us and my dad has had to bail us out constantly.  He wants my dad to hand over the help and shut up.  It is frustrating and draining on our marriage.

To help matters, I have suggested that he get an account at the bank and put his paycheck in it.  We can then decide what bills he will pay and which I will pay.  If it works out that way, then we can talk about getting a joint account again.  I have also told him that he must have a job before he quits one.  I draw a line in the sand and he crosses it.  Why?  Because I want to keep our family together.  Ouch.  Guess I needed to see that in print.  And, I try to not borrow from my family, even at the cost of late bills and shut off notices.   

I hate being so controlling with the money but I need to know the bills will be paid and the kids will eat.  He runs us down to the wire and then tries to borrow from friends or come up with some scheme to make money.  I am constantly worried about finances.  I am resentful that he won't be responsible or at least support me when I am being responsible about money.  I feel like I am married to a teenager with no concept of money management.  And, I feel untrue and like a bad wife because I feel resentful and angry toward my husband.   I want him to take more of a lead but I can't lose my home or anymore of the flimsy hold I have on our finances.  I will absolutely be watching this show.  Because I am afraid of what will happen if things don't change. 

 

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