Messages By: sharibellaire

When I was 13, my mom took an overdose of pills. She almost died.  Three days later she came

home from the psych ward and life went on.  Being from a very small town in NJ..my life changed with this news.My father had hooked up with a call girl the night before she did this, and the girl called my mom when he didn't pay her enough. It was also their anniversary.  WE never talked about it.  But the focus

at my Junior High was now 'that incident'.  I left class one day and said, 'I think I will kill myself'.

Life changed more... and I was in the schools phychiatric department once a week   Two years later, I did try.  Only my parents knew... but I was so depressed. Twenty years ago, I was diagnosed with depression.

I have been 'in treatment' for most of my life.  No surprise.  My father married many times, and was estranged from his three daughters.  17 years ago he blew his head off.  I knew he had tendancies to do so and had asked his bride to please remove his guns from the house.  She didn't and six months later

while she was out of town, he managed a shotgun to his head and pulled the trigger.  Done.

Knowing that this is a family matter, I worry sometimes that I will get to that point.  No passion, no

real feelings about anything.  The show today caught my attention.  I am glad it caught my attention.

I have been in an awful funk for months and although I am not thinking about suicide, I don't have any

hope I will get better..  When asked this question by my new doctor, I said " I don't want to kill myself, but

I seem to take risks that could lead to that..  " driving fast, etc.... I fear one day I will say

'that's it'.  But I remember how we felt as kids that both of our parents wanted to die. Both felt hopeless.

I want to climb out of this hole I am in...  don't have the energy to do so.. or want to do so. .  Shows like

this one remind us how awful suicide is to families.  The movie, I doubt I will go see..  too close to home.

I have a wonderful family. and they love me, as I do them. And God willing, I will never leave them

to deal with suicide.  It's an awful choice, but one that ends the pain.  Thank you for the forum to release

these thoughts.  Thank you very very  much.

I have told my story on this issue, but I have one solution that helped me in my teen years and it

was probably what saved me from myself.  My doctor, the school shrink, noted I had two study halls in the mornings... so he had me go to another campus in our small town and work with the  special

education teacher with her class.   The one thing I learned from that experience was the gratitude these

kids had for every little thing you did for them...   AND I had zero, none, nada, reason to complain about my own life. It helped me so much.  I felt I had value.  I think that is what it boils down to.. value.

Find value in yourself... it could be sorting magazines at a nursing home, but do something that you

find value in.. there are so many out there that are dying, and would give anything for life.....

If you can help one of them, it might just save yours.  Just a thought.. but your hopelessness scares me.

I wish I could reach out to you and tell you someone does care. 12 step programs are all about helping

one another...  Think a SA would help the world?    Find someone to care about... the reciprical love

comes naturally.  God Bless.

I used to hear about people being paralyzed by fear, and didn't equate it to my own fear.

My greatest fear is being put in an institution.  My grandmother was really depressed

when I was a little kid, and they put her into a state facility.  She was given shock treatments and

other ghastly tests to treat her depression.  I never saw her after we moved to NY, but my mom

went to visit and found she didn't remember anything or anyone.  My aunt, many years later,

fell to the depression link and she too ended up in a state institution.  She too, was diagnosed

with severe depression and later Alzheimer's.  They concluded my grandmother also had

Alzheimer's.  A movie that was popular in the late 50's was called Snake pit.  That movie

set the stage for my fears of going nuts and spending my last years in a nut house.

So, my greatest fear is allowing my depression to get the best of me, and my family sending me

away, and never again knowing what a home is, or who once loved me.  I am 57 and fighting

depression every single day.  I fear I will snap, and wake up not knowing who I was.....

Life crisis?  Yes.  Fear of this may take me there by the hand. 

Just thought I would share..   Happy day!!

I am 57, mother of two... ages 32 and 19.  My daughter celebrates a year sobriety on Nov. 21.

She was addicted to meth, and any drug that made her 'self' disappear.  When she went off to

college she went on a path of self destruction.  There was nothing I could have done to change

how she felt about herself, or how she felt when she got high.  She knew she was loved.  My son

hasn't been in the midst of these issues as he hates drinking, and drugs just haven't made its

way into his life. I thank God for that. However, when I read about this salvia issue, I have to think

back to my HS years and pot.  It was so easy to grow, obtain, smoke, find... and the tougher drugs

like LSD, and Speed, were there to be had.  What is important to note is that although these drugs

are illegal, they were 'available'.  I live across the street from a High School.  Kids hang out close by

and I have never, in twenty years, seen a drug deal, bust, smoke etc. outside my house. I am sure

these things are done..... but outside my scope.  My point is, if kids want to get high, there are lots

of ways to do it. They know....we probably do not.  My parents knew about pot...that it existed..period.

So now we know about salvia........  and the choking game... (We did that as 7th graders in northern NJ  in the mid 60's...  ) Kids take risks. Blame lies everywhere but taking personal responsibility is key.

My daughter knows she took a dark road.... and there is nothing I could have done to stop her.

What we can do,  as responsible parents, is know where our kids are, and who they hang with. Know what

their peers do when they hang out.  And most important.. BE THERE. Be there for the catch, when and if

they fall.  We are powerless over some things. But we are in charge of the who and where of their life

for a short period of time. It' s THIS that we should focus on... not what weed is going to get them high etc.

The more you make of it, the more they want to experiment...  I am sure if we dried and rolled up half

the plants in our gardens, they would have some effect on our body... Don't make a big deal out of it,

and they won't either.  Provide the opportunity for sports, and music, and other past times that are

healthy.  This is the best medicine.  And unfortunately, as schools become short on funds, these

activities are being deleted..........  That is a big problem. For all.