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Messages By: irelasl

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August 24, 2006, 8:57 am CDT

Oh my goodness

I read the comments, and they vary from both ends of the spectrum.  There is so much to be said for painting Ken as a malicious person, controlling.   I realize that he was screaming inside.why don't you love me...even when he did not deserve it, but it was not specifically at Amber but his Dad.  I lived with that Jeckyl and Heyde  sort of person.  I would be left with my head whirling, saying how in the world did this escalate to my eye being blackened.  I am happy that Dr, Phil could see through that and give him some help before it was too late.  I lived the life jaw droppingly nearly word for word that life, that was all my fault, always.  Except for the cheating part, he was not that way, but I can see that may have fed his I am not worthless thing, by being able to romance other wome, who knows.  This is the tragedy in this, I could divorce him, my children were stuck.  They would say with Dad we have to check our brain at the door, because we did not need it.  He bloodied their lips if they did not act accordingly.  So much damage to all of us, because he had a crappy upbringing.  I always said why in the world did you not get emotional help when you were younger so this kiss, slap relationship would not have happened.  Every fight he was going to kill himself, we would walk in and find him shot or hanging there.  Worked for years.  Now you see this is the outcome, noone really cares.  I lost the home, car, my credit is crap.  I recently moved far away from him to save my children when the oldest (who looks exactly like him) came home again with his teeth put into his lip.  I begged him to just love them, for who they are, wonderful guys.  They lived the crap too, so I followed protocol, sent certified letter telling him ahead of time about my move, explained to him that he is hurting them emotionally.  So he gives back every single item that they ever bought him, toys, and refuses to pay support ever again, to date 8 weeks behind.  This is what I could not fix, I tried to for years.  The children are who suffer, they try to ignore, but they are the ones who pay the bill.  Now unemployed, living off of my daughter, hoping for a fresh beginning for my son who just entered freshman year of high school, and the other one seemingly happy.   But I am scared to death.  I was also held in rooms, told to get off the phone as I was on too long, told I was used up...is hurt because I am trying to save my kids from the life that I got them into.  The same thing that I witnessed on TV.  I hope that Ken is not so sharp witted that he is able to con his way through the therapy.  Noone would ever guess who I lived with, how could that sweet guy black my eye, what must I have done?  To only know that it was the fact that I disagreed as to whether I put down the hand vac or threw it across the room from cleaning up the glass that he threw and broke in the carpeting.  I did not live for the fight, I fought to stay sane.  Now I am 50 and I feel so worthless because finding work is really tough at my age.  I am in college to try to better myself as well.  I try to do the right things but it is very hard.  Very hard, all because I thought I had found something so wonderful, only to find that it was the worst nightmare of my life.  I also got the crazy amounts of calls, if I did not answer the calls did not stop.  My son would say just hang up, but I knew that he would incessantly call back.  Then the boys had to go there and face his anger without me to protect them.  I hope you got him early enough to repair the damage that has happened to his bottomless pit of needs, there is never enough compliments, trying to do right, never enough.  This may sound like a blabbering of a mad person, but it is the outcome of 14 years of that same relationship.  I put on weight, and kept it on so he would not want to be around me, find someone more appealing, all that did was put me where I am today with little or no emotions, cannot cry I feel like to would be beneficial to my health.   I have been alone now for 4 years, and I do not regret that at all, I needed to be alone for awhile, and it is OK with me if I stay that way.  All because I got involved with someone whose tears could melt me like butter because of his upbringing hardships, his mother left him in jail at 13.  See after awhile all that turns into "Get over it."..and I grew callous to the situation, would spew hateful things right back at him, and finally saying very little because it saved the hassle...to manipulating my future getway all the time..I knew my heart had to be very hard because I would get the feel sorry for me with both barrels, and that usually worked....all the way to the lawyers office Please love me..I know I am awful but please love me...it was a sick life.  After the divorce I could open my eyes and see him standing at my bed, so I never attempted to date, then they took my house back and i had to move but he could not get to me there, that is when the phone rang and rang.  My daughter said don't give him my number....nutty it was all nutty.  If anyone met him, they would think I am making all of this up.  When Dr Phil said you don't get it do you...I was there wishing it was my situation (at the time) telling him you don't get it...again now my kids suffer because their Dad wants nothing to do with them because they said yes Dad we want to move...severed from them.  No support either, that is their right, not mine so I will fight for it.  He says he will go to prison before he pays, we will see.  Man what a life long mess this has caused, what do I hope to accomplish by this message?  I hope that one girl who saw that show and reads this will see that it is not a game, it is not fun, there are reprecussions that are life altering for more than just you the person.  Can he be fixed, hopefully because he is young.  This person I am talking about was 22 at the time of this occurance with me, and he was so set in his ways at that point, so driven to work because his Dad never did, I don't know if you can unring certain bells, I hope so for that little girl.  But they both need fixed.
 
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September 28, 2006, 9:28 am CDT

S is for stupid but true

I got sucked in too, and I tried every method to get to the truth.  The stories are so identical that it is like hearing the profile of an abuser which to me is so obvious when I hear someone say but he said...you made me do this...you pressed my buttons...yada yada.  Same story different name.  I don't like being like everyone else, I had hoped that mine would be "the" one that was not the same as I am reading.  Unfortunately though it was and is true.  Not only am I an idiot, my family is calling me to say watch Dr. Phil, your Africa guy thing is on there.  I was just so drawn in to this crap.  I did not feel that it was awful because he suggested that he needed money, and I would say sorry don't have it.  This went on for 6  months, and I would say would you quit asking me for money...and then he was to come to me finally...and I like an idiot was waiting at the airport with his flight schedule in my hand, asking the counter person to track this flight, it was legitimate flight number, just no person stepping off, an email telling me of his tragic wreck on his way to the airport....and get this....he was screaming out my name....how interesting that this was the same story line.  On returning home from the airport after hours of waiting ....an email from the  "Dr." said I needed to get money to him immediately, and I blew up saying what kind of Dr. first of all has the time to email me...telling me of his injuriy to his left leg and asking me for money...then he calls me..which he did regularly, stuck in the hospital with a broken right leg....catch that????until his bill is paid, and I said what is it going to take to get you out of there?  Three hundred dollars, a nice man paid three hundred already,  and so I said... ask your family or your church, I do not have it.  But they are keeping my passport, so I emailed the American consulate (he said he was an American stuck in Africa, since his Mother just died leaving him an American stuck in Africa...sound familar?)  but his boss owes him money, and he will send me a money order to cash and send back to him...sound familiar?  Ok he had been saying this check was due to him for 4 months..so he finally gets it and it is sent to me for it only to be counterfeit....I told the bank that I did not want this to enter my account until it was shown to be sound, well it slipped by and then it was held for inspection because I got a call, I tried to be up front with this stupid sounding story, so I would not look like an idiot, yet again.  OH yea here is another part, the picture I was showing of my "new man" someone said Yes I saw him on that TV show....and when I told him that he was furious that someone would steal his picture and put it on as someone else...and he would sue..not only the person using his picturebut his boss that sent that counterfeit money order, because now he was ruined. I said YOU???...I did not want anything this stupid involved with my bank....he was sobbing so hard it was hard to imagine that this was an act...but whatever.  Then the time that his friend loaned him money to help with the burial of his dear MUM who died of breast cancer, and now that jerk wanted his money NOW...again sound familiar.  The depth of the lies are amazing...

All of these things are things I have read through reading the other peoples stuff, and it is just a simple fact that we are obvioulsy lonely individuals that want to believe.  The scams if you are stupid enough to believe that these things can happen, the death of someone who is going to give you zillions of dollars...that little ray of hope exists that maybe it is true.  They feed upon this in us.  You, like me want to believe that this is true, I am not ugly, a tad bit chubby but fixable, just wanted someone who was nice and to be mine, the nurturers are those that are real targets, yes the one ladie's man by law...not a husband...did not have sex with her for years, mine was abusive and self esteem destroyer, so we are those vulnerable to someone who wants us for us.  The key is that if they are the man that you want, why the hell would they rely on you for money?  How do they live...mine did not get the money out of me that he asked for, he got yelled at alot for asking for it all the time...and then I wised up when I simply said, hey I am looking for someone to partner with me or even take care of me, and you need to leave me alone since you are obviously, a parasite wanting to feed off of me and whoever else. 

So today my family is calling me to tell me that Dr. Phil is about that Africa guy, these are my lumps to take because I wanted to believe in Mr. Wonderful.  Since then, and it has been about 4 months since I said "leave me the hell alone to "Clieve" ....but in honesty it was a safe relationship for me, I did not have to be overly involved but felt like I had someone.  The money part is the sad part because, these women are getting sucked dry, that is where not having money was in my favor, because I may have believed that I could have done good for once.  I guess that is what fed my thought that it was real because I did not have money to spare and he was still there, probably just hoping that I one day would.  A great lesson learned for me.  But the bright side is I have communicated with men right here in my home town and the first date I had was an alchoholic, and the next was a old coot that thought I was really great I told him that I would try but don't count on anything other than friends, and I just cannot fake that..Anna Nicole is not in my blood....funny that finding someone nice is such a hassle, Dr. Phil would probably have a hay day with me...just wish I had a crystal ball would save me alot of hassle.

 
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September 8, 2007, 8:56 am CDT

Truly I have been there

I was married on November 21 and on New Years Eve My husband hid so he would not have to kiss me in front of everyone.  I stood alone most of the food table out of boredome.  Yes he was not perfect before we married, dated for several years, but he seemed to want to settle down....after 6 months he left me...did not like being married.....so the women hope for change after marriage....does not happen....he filed for divorce....and dropped it because he was not sure he was ready to loose me....see I believe his Mom needed her children as they had lost their father the year prior....so there may have been some conversations that assisted in the no liking marriage outside of my control.  But after he came back, cancelled the divorce, and was 10 times worse, wanting to run with the guys to strip clubs....I told him that I could not bear this kind of relationship, but it was an extension of our dating days....I met someone more suitable for my life, and he proposes marriage....it was all there I just chose not to see it for the hopes of happiness.
 
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September 16, 2007, 8:13 am CDT

Does age matter...

I was married and yes I was the December...he was 12 years younger than me.  It was the most horrific experience of my life.  13 years of pure insanity.  i met a wonderful person, would not tell me his age because I was not going to get involved with another younger man.  My  husband 2 years prior was 7 years younger and broke my heart because he left after 6 months, because marriage just was not what he thought it would be.  That is another story...so we had a blind date at the very start of the 13 years of hell on Earth.  Long story short I tried to get free so many times from his controlling ways, violent behavior, and physical abuse, verbal abuse after a black eye caused the world to see what was going on behind those doors....We have two wonderful boys, that I wanted to get away from the chaos, and finally did...but I am living far away to give us all peace from the constant suicide threats, and it is all my fault and look what you did to me.  Never a warmer giver of gifts, he was that.  But it was the way he showed love, not anything could be out of his control because it was the only way that things worked out right....in our world.  Now our boys are a bit scarred, I heart the tones, and words that they grew up with...but everything had to be lost in my life to get free.  Lost the house, the car. credit is absolutely ruined because everything was in my name.  But it was worth getting the boys free.  I could be free sure, but they still had to be in his clutches on his weekends.  Many times the oldest one that lookes exactly like him came home with a swelled lip, because he tried to have an opinion.  They would say, Mom we have to check our brain at the door to go to Dads.  He had the money to provide for them, and they tried when our life was at a very low spot  due to my unemployment, I gave up a 40K job because I was near loosing my mind and I could not do the new job they gave me due to all the stress at home....but they went to live with Dad, and begged to come back because of his tyrant ways.  Yes, I am soft, loving and nurturing, that was my job according to him, his job was to be the tough guy getting them ready for life....Arguing with him was impossible, he could talk his way around me and if I answered the fight would go on for another 4  hours.  It was a May December relationship, that did not look weird, as I look younger than my age...many thought it had to be for the testerone of a younger man...many times I said this is like living with my mean younger brother because sex did not happen....because I did not act right...so I know that was not it.  Love could have been there, but fear and a constant state of hysteria was.  So now I have been free for 4 years and have not dated past maybe a dinner, I said no one prepared me for being single more than my marriage.  I imagine there are nice men out there but my sons will not have a negative influience in their lives, and really they want a man in mine that they can look up to....but I just can't bear to try.  I let myself stay as ugly as I could so he would not want to be near me, did not work.  I tried to be pretty, did not treat me any different.  We were always brought down to an unhappy level because who is allowed to be happy with an uphappy person at the helm....so I say to you...Age was not the issue....it was the Jeckyl and Heyde person that was there....Noone that  "knows" him would ever believe that he was such a person, because noone else ever saw it.  And he is now...as he says...dying of congestive heart failure and it is my fault...for trying to stop the cycle of mania that they lived all of their young lives.  Today they are 15 and 12 and we struggle daily to keep the good feelings growing.  Believing in God has been what has helped me, and I don't do enough to give the boys a good Christian life, but they both read the Bible and are good boys.  It was just not a good experience, but I love my boys and we are together, and will continue to just keep trying.  It is really hard to decide what is best when children are involved but in my heart for them I know that getting far away was their only saving grace.
 

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