Messages By: bachor

    It's true that relationship with old flames ended up for some reasons. I am still friends with my ex boyfriend. But it took long time to build the bridge as 'just friends' with him. What I did was I tried to recognize what caused our relationship end. Was it just a mistake, hurry decission that after a while you just realized that was just a stupid overreacting decission, or because you knew exactly that it was the right decission? For me when relationship ends, doesn't mean I gain more enemies. LIfe is already hard as it is. I am married now, I have familly that I feel secure enough to be a loyal and trustworthy wife. And there is no doubt from my husband about that. There is no guarrantee that back to the old flames would make me happier than I am now, what if it came twice worse than the first time? My husband is still friends with his ex too, and I am fine with that. It comes with the feeling that I am ready if the spark between him and his ex came back again and he didn't fight to stay loyal in our relationship and if  he chose to be with her instead of his understanding wife, than it's his badluck. I don't think I wanna be with someone that chose someone else over me. Not that I don't want to fight over him because he's mine. But he is big enough to remind himself about his responsibility not to cheat on his wife. He knows exactly the risk and consequences of his choice. I am not going to let myself sleepless wonderring if my husband is cheating on me or not. I think doesn't matter with who, with old flames or new women, whether my husband is overseas or just sleeping right next to me, if he chose to cheat on me he would do it anyway. Now she's not only his friend but also my friend but my husband and I agreed never make our exes as our bestfriends. My husband was friends with another of his ex as well but for this one my feeling told me that she was trying to get the old times back. I told my husband and although he didn't see it the same way as I did, he chose not to continue his friendship with her without argue with me.I think the best think we can do is feel secure to ourselves, stay alert doesn't mean being paranoid. 

I had an ex boyfirend that I kept in touch with  even after I met my husband.  When we were seeing each other he called me his girlfriend but I was really more of a "good friend" than a girlfriend.  He was widowed and still wasn't ready to move on, so it was never a deep emotional connection. 

I think rekindling a relationship with someone that you did you have a deep emotional relationship is just asking for trouble.   

Hi all, 

This is my first time here. I have a need for a query to be talked about as I am very confused. This issue effects me so much. RE: Old Flames 

What if the old flame is an ex-wife and mother to my boyfriend of 6.5 yrs two daughters. She(or how he chooses to interact with her) has an enormous effect of me, my self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. They are so close. On his cell phone, when a the ex, or one of his two daughters' calls, a photo of the ex shows on his phone. They email each other funny jokes and other stuff all the time. They even exchange emails that I feel are inapproprite for ex lovers to exchange. He has in the past emailed her that he loves her at Mothers' Day, Xmas or her birthday. I am so vulnarable as he has always maintained she would be his only ever "bride". That if I didn't like their relationship, too bad, I could move on. Any advice???? 

It saddens me that so many woman are emtionally and verbally abused. I know first hand what it is like and now I am working to help ME, for a change. 

It is all confusing to me how I got to this place in time, I was a good kid, had lots of friends and used to laugh alot and look on the bright side. 

I have been married for 27 years, to what used to be a nice guy. He came from a troubled childhood and I tried to give him what he never had, a home, somebody who loves and beleives in him and worked towards making a good life together, well that bombed! 

About 10-12 years ago my husband started to decieve me, little at first and like they say the wife is the last to know, is true. 

He has a drinking problem and uses pot too but denies the drugs even when I find them. On his nights off ,he drinks, starts off with four beer a hour until he gets his buzz then it slows down. He blubbers his words, tetters around and becomes full of himself. 

Last Christmas was horrible, he got drunk  Xmas eve, the power went out and I became a target. He claims he drinks because of me, he doesn't have friends because nobody likes me, I have low-self esteem, I am not as smart as him, iIam highly over-rated (?), i am also a nagging B***h and a fat cow. 

His latest game is, his money is his money (after all he says he earns it) and he will spend it how he wants. He calls everything his and speaks in the firsts, example, mine, me etc. He has forgotten all my imput into the home (finacially and otherwise) he claims he did all himself, I never made any money or contributed anything. He doesn't even say Happy Birthday to me, acts like it is just another day or he picks a fight, thats meant to hurt my feelings. 

He doesn't care what anybody thinks, he is right everybody else is wrong and he lies alot. 

Now the confusing part: 

I am not stupid and I find most woman in this situation aren't either. How did I become a enabler? how do I stop? Dr Phil says we allow people to treat us the way they do, but how do we stop them? 

My self-esteem has started hit the rocks, I spend very little money on myself (not even hair dye). He has  

made me feel I am not worthy.  

As for the above woman who just got out of a bad relationship, I would recommend to find yourself first before you find another guy. 

Men have got to stop treating woman like in the cave man days and us woman have got to learn how not to let them. We need the tools but I don't know where to get them. 

It is early in the morning and I have had trouble sleeping for the last 7 days because the woman that I fell in love with 15 yrs ago left me again. The first she was seperated from her husband and we met and fell in love it was like we were soul mates, but as we talked I found out that she could not have kids and I wanted a child so we broke up, it was heart felt and it hurt for both of us.

We both knew it was the right thing at the right time. I called every 2 or 3 years to see how she was doing and if everything was ok. During that period she did divorce her husband and met another guy, on his be half was great from what she said but it was one of those non whole hearted it was great.

About 3 months ago I get a call from Linda, and she asks if I was single and did not do the drugs, alcohol or was abusive? I told Linda I never have and never will be she said good, because I need some one like that in my life I said I have waited for 13 years to be with you, there has never been any one including my ex-wife who I had a child with that could ever take the love and spirit and soul I had with you.

Linda and I spent the thanksgiving, christmas and new years holiday together. I supported her with the restraining order to keep the ex-boyfriend away. I let her know I was going to come and move in with her and leave my job and move 300 miles to be with her and we could make a life, we never argued unless it dealt with her ex calling and trying to get her back by saying it was because of her and everything in his life that he turned to drugs and alcohol and being abusive.

I love Linda with all my heart and soul she is a very big part of my life and I trued to understand that she needed to talk to him to get the past closed.

Linda likes your show and says Dr Phil says in a relationship you give a 100%, which I did and she did, every one in both our families think we go great together and we she be together, as much as I do.

So it was devistating when she said one day out of the blue with out warning that she needed time to think and needed her space because her ex just had clled and wanted to talk to her about his life, I warned her what he was going to do about the sympathy and poor me, I need you to try and make up for the 11 yrs you did not understand.

Two days later Linda calls me and says she is going back to ex, which is killing me I love this lady and I can not stand not being without her and she feeels the same way she is just with the ex because she has the Florence Nightengale image she feels she can fix him of doing the drugs, drinking and be abusive.

Her son, who I get along with does not even want to go over ther anymore, because of it but the daughter who liked the ex is now coming back over, so she tradr one child for another. Linda's family contacted me the other day and asked if I had heard from Linda and I said the last time she was having a nervous break down because she knew she made a mistake by gong back and that she had lost her family and friend on both mine and her side, she is like an island out there the same as her daughter was because no one really thought highly of her daughters boyfriend or Linda's ex. They were like two peas in a pod and heading down the wrong path.

I love Linda it is so obvious, and I want to help her not just for me but for her she is a very giving and caring lady and very beautiful to me I adore her, but she is killing me being with someone that is using her and I cannot stand to lose her again, please help I am not one to ask for help and neither is Linda, but I need to, I am at my wits end.