Messages By:

When Dr. Phil asked Mom, "lose the money or lose the money & scar the child", she had a pause.   

Let's pose a simple question: 

"Mom, if he got injured for the remainder of the season, would you lose the money?" 

Of course. 

Then what's the difference between losing the money because it's the right thing to do or because he gets injured? 

There are things worse than losing the money. 

___________________________________________ 

Kid driving fast. 

"We weren't being reckless, we were just driving fast." 

Talk about sophistry. 

Driving fast isn't being reckless? 

I've got news for him.  When (not if) they get stopped by the cops, a speeding ticket isn't the only thing thing the driver will get.  Reckless driving will be included and probably any number of other things.  The driver will likely find himself arrested as well - particularly if he is a teen and needs a "scared straight" situation. 

When I was his age, I was volunteering on the back of the ambulance and not long after, sought permission to get a license as an EMT before I was 18 (the standard age).  I had no problems following the rules & laws of the road when I was his age, particularly because I saw the aftereffects of people driving like idiots. 

Dear Dad: 

Congrats!  He should drive the same, regardless of whether the chip was there [or not] or whether he knew it was there [or not].   

Now, we just have to find out if they had seatbelts on.  Any time you hear, "was ejected from the vehicle", odds are, the seatbelt wasn't on.  Yes, there are exceptions someone will cite when wearing a seatbelt might cause harm, but if you're looking at the "Lottery of Life", you'll have more wins than losses if you wear that belt. 

"ClickIt or Ticket"?  I think it's wrong.  Make it a business decision.  Encourage the insurance companies to add one clause to the policies:  we will not cover anyone who didn't have their seatbelts on. 

Here in Indiana, one father (of an adult woman - later twenties, not teens) pled the Legislature to enact a law for pickup trucks to have a seatbelt law as well because his daughter would be alive if there was a law.  I thought, "What an idiot!"  You can't wear a seatbelt unless there's a law?"  She chose not to wear a seatbelt, regardless of whether there's a law [or not]. 

I'm comfortable in a seatbelt, and even when I drop someone off who will, let's say, be in a store for a little while, then come back out, I generally don't take the seatbelt off. It's not for a safety reason, it's just comfortable and it doesn't bother me to wear it. 

Revoke the laws of mandatory wearing and let Darwin take over. 

Why does this seem like a surprise to her?   

You don't have to live with someone to find out what they are like. 

Didn't she get any clues? 

Didn't her kids interact with him at all? 

It seems like she didn't really check things out (all of the dynamics) before creating this new family. 

I'm wondering if it might be interesting for Dr. Phil to create small, simple, gold rings for those whose relationships (usually marriage) to wear on their right hands, as they will be a reminder.  Also, none of them can take them off without a conversation of Dr. Phil's staff. 

They can leave and say, "Yeah, I'll do that, but there's no impetus when they walk out of the door to remind them of what they are supposed to do (or not do), regardless of it's mother|children, husband|wife, etc. 

(Personnally knowing a number of different Mennonites from different groups over the years....)  

There are different Mennonite groups and they have different beliefs and are different in how sternly they enforce their beliefs upon themselves and "urge" others to toe the line.  

This isn't comprehensive, but it's worth reading - particularly for the people who said, "They look Amish". (see later on this)  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mennonites  

Not everyone affiliated with Mennonites or even Amish are Luddites. If you're in the "big city", you may not have seen these, but in farminig areas, if you've seen the long, long pipes on wheels which can be used like a big wheel to irrigate the entire field.  That was invented by an Amish farmer.  

As the article points out, there are some places where some intersections of Mennonites and Amish in a couple of points in time.  

In some regards, the Amish aren't as "behind the times" as you think. Some will ride in cars with others, some will drive cars which are stored on a neighbor's property. Some own cell phones but charge them at a neighbor's house.  

Amish teenagers go through a cycle known as "rumspringa" - Google this term.  You cannot be a member of the Amish church unless you are twenty-one.  So teenagers aren't church members.  When they are in their teens, they go back & forth between the two worlds at their discretion, workinig jobs amongst everyone else, buy cars (and store them on their parents' property), drink & party, have sex, anything else "normal" teenagers do.  When they become "of age", they're expected to make a decision: return to the church and become a member and immerse themselves in the Amish way of life or turn their back on their upbringing and go out into the world of the English.  Some need time beyond twenty-one to make their decision and still return, but in the end, things are considered to work out the way they are supposed to.  

Anyway, I've lived around a lot of Amish and differing groups of Mennonites throughout my life. They aren't a bunch of kooks who are just like the stereotypes we have of hillbillies but with different accents an clothes.  It's just different belief systems.  I'm willing to bet that if we were to pick someone from these boards at random, took the time to peel their layers of self apart and found out who they really are, there might be a few surprises there.  This is part of why Dr. Phil commends those who come on the show and essentially bare some portion of their souls for the benefit of others.  

As far as taking the kids & running, I think he bent the scriptures a bit to suit his needs, and that's heresy.  But Dr. Phil took the high road and didn't calll him on it. That's not why his show is on the air.  You'll notice he kept a pretty even keel on questions with all of the parties during part I.  

Finally, a terrific topic!!!  

Instead of setting these guys up, he should just do an entire show with the four of tem on the stage.  I'd like to find out how many other things they've done [which] the rest of us have done.  

The lawn ornaments were hilarious.  I used to keep toys on my desk; e.g., Gumby & Pokey, and if I left my desk for long, I'd come back and find them in all sorts of compromising positions.  

"Social sensitivity"?  I don't pee in the shower, but a left cheek sneak on an airplane can provide some levity, especially when it's a full flight, it's late, and everyone's cranky. Besides, if you have to smell the people around you, why shouldn't they have to smell you? 

As far as store behavior, don't leave a full cart unattended.  You're likely to find some buried when you get to the checkout counter and are focused on unloading as fast as you can. One item might seem odd, the second makes you pause, but when it's three, four, five, it's worth getting in line behind someone, even if you aren't finished shopping, just to watch them. You can go back & shop more after watching them.  

Whether she has gained 100 lbs, lost 50  lbs, etc., he needs to reflect upon the vows.  The standard stuff can be a pretty stiff contract. 

Let's put the let's look at things from the other viewpoint: 

Suppose he were to slip on the ice (just walking) or someone runs a red light, and <poof>, he's in a wheelchair, 90% of his life becomes dependent upon him.  Just how happy will he be about her willingness be if she decides to stay around? 

I attended a small university ini the mid-East.  This sounds really trite, but there were guys who used the word "investment" which they believed would just be knock-out stunner should she walk into a room.  Catch up with them when theyre jogging and start talking, siting with them in the dining commons, etc. 

Good or bad, most of the guys would keep those they went after because they learned so much about the girls and found out the physical were just as stunning in the big picture. 

As far as the focus as food goes, he's creating such a terribly emphasis upon the food and she's so concerned with every calorie to where she locks up.  Think of it as driving with a stick shift (if you know how to do it) once in awhile.  Take someone out to an empty parking lot and let them have a few tries.  They'll become so focused on not popping the clutch that they forget upon how to actually perform the task at hand.  It may take five or six tries, but if you encourage them carefully the next four or five times, then keep your mouth shut until they voice frustration, then give them some more feedback|frustration., showing them what to think about when they're doing something, then sitting back and watch.  **Let them teach you what you're wanting to be taught 

If you don't know, then this is something you can learn together.  

We're closing in on twenty years and it took a long time to learn how to do it as a team. She knows how to do the step-by-step and that drives me nuts. I improvise.  And if my improvisation doesn't work, she sees what I do and can convert it as a step-by-by-step. 

This weekend - the previous 24-48 hours, we had a criticical door lock break.she managed to tell me while we were takinig terms mowing and I walked in and closed the door behind me.  Oops. Now I was locked with no tools avaiable until she realized I wasn't coming out and likely did what I did: lock myself in and she had to rescue me, then fix the lock. 

I still insist getting car & all doors for her, pump the gas for her, etc. 

The way I finder her is like this:  I gave a God a shopping list and He laughed and said, "Trust me, I'll be right back.  And I found out my requests were so short I couldn't have imagined for the things I got." 

What a Wicked Witch.

I'm glad Dr. Phil pointed out the error of her ways and why she hadn't said anything to him.  She said something to her daughter, "I'm sorry you aren't in a situation of ..." which is so far to being a left-handed compliment -- to the point of making any reference to her SIL with her daughter she's gone more than three sides around the barn.

"Dad" was exceptional in the way he conducted himself, both before and after the lie detector test and didn't jump around and have a victory dance after the results were read.. He wasn't emphatic, as it would have looked suspicious like another "Dad" we saw recently.

What the MIL might find herself in is a situation where even her daughter will not look at her for visits. She's already been told is if her daughter has to make a choice, he's first, as it should be.  Grandma or not, I don't know I'd be so forgiving and invite her to stay at a local hotel (at their expense) so she wouldn't be "overrun" with all of the family activities.  I'm guessing he's bigger than I am about that and he'd allow her there but not provoke her.

On a good note, we're headed out to celebrate my wife's birthday (it's tomorrow) and we'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary Dec. 10th.  Not bad for only dating six weeks. (I knew I was out of her league and I'd be moving up. There was *no* way I was going to miss a chance. I didn't even have to beg.  My FIL and I were talking a few months ago and we were talking about "family stuff" (my wife is an only child of an only child, so I'm the son they didn't have) and somehow the question was "what will be the last thing I say to either of them on their deathbed?"  "Don't worry, he|she will always be taken care of, not matter what the circumstances are". I dread the day.  But as I said when I hosted their 50th anniversary last year, "some guys end up with a MIL, others a mother, but I've got another Mom (with my other Mom's hearty approval".  (side note:  I wasn't sure what I was going to say when I was waiting for everyone in until I pulled out my calculator and mashed some numbers.  "Today's society places a premium on certain things. When Mom & Dad got married, millionaires were a premium. Today, it's billionaires.  Poets liken people in love as sharing their hearts (and heartbeats). Tonight, we're celebrating two billionaires in our midst.  From my calculations, they've shared their hears for 1 billion, ....Dad, I was unleashed and inflicted  on the world from an abusive household.  I know it's been tough for you at times, but you still remain my model for what a man and a husband are supposed to be. Perhaps without realizing it, you've given me a lot of therapy and I can't imagine a better gift, other than your daughter. Happy Father's Day, Dad." (it was the day before Father's Day).  I had to sit down because I was starting to cry and I'd have to stop talking. I'm a bit steamy typing it right now.

Anyway, when it comes to in-laws, it's a two-way street, like all relationships. 

p

p.s.

If someone wants to make use of the material above, be my guest. It's a gift to anyone who can refine it. I was only thinking a couple of words at a time as I spoke. Time & effort should improve it.

I think the abuse of her daughter and having done nothing manifested heavily in her behavior (mental illness aside).  Someone abused her daughter and she did nothing, and she's not going to make that mistake again and are going to make sure her grandchildren aren't molestered, either.  And no details were provided for her daughter's situation. It could have been a grandfather which she was around at any moment - see: length of time as well as frequency. 

Guilt & shame have been building pus like a boil and she finally busted it open, but spraying upon someone else.

Where was granny's husband? Too embarassed to come on to sit with her? If she's divorced, I'm not surprised.

Her leaps of logic were unbelievable: "A man molested my daughter. He's a man. he's going to molest a member of his family. I did nothing before so I'm going to do so gung-ho this time and attempt to atone for my sins." I'm surprised Dr. Phil didn't offer to line up some therapy for her but that might have looked like he was hitting her with a train and potentially tell other adults they should overlook their burden if they see or hear child abuse. I'm willing to wager -- after the show -- he suggested therapy.

As an FYI:  In most states, it's either an A or B misdemeanor to be aware of or suspect child abuse and do nothing about it. My mom is a 3rd-grade teacher and she's vigilant about abuse, even without the criminal activity for ignoring it.

If he's smoking weed, it will stay in your body for 76-77 days.  The longest of all recreational drugs.

Everything else pales by comparison.

(I shocked the missus when she came home from work (Pharmacy Administration) and said there was a discussion about the duration. She knew I'd be able to put a good number up, but she still was surprised.  (Too my TV running in the background when I'm reading or writing software.

If he's saying "two months or more", a test will get him for the previous two months + 10+/- into the month beyond that.

"Mom" needs to look at this the same way judges admonish jury members:  if someone is caught lying, anything else they say can be considered a lie [as well].

Without the knowledge of anything else going on, when she found the vodka bottles in the wastebasket, she should presume anything he says or does can be considered a lie. That should be enough for "Mom's Search Warrant" -- i.e., if she wasn't already stripping the room down to see what else there is.  It should be done when he's not present so he won't know what areas she can try to find and not.  If she doesn't check behind a section of books, under some clothes, etc.

The interesting thing about vodka is it doesn't freeze...perhaps I should say, "under general circumstances". On my 21st birthday (23 years ago) I purchased a bottle of vodka, had a couple of Bloody Marys and put it in the freezer.  That bottle is about 3/4 full, sitting in the freezer. That wasn't a token drink -- I'm a social drinker.  But that bottle of vodka is like a scrap book and has moved from place-to-place with the other belongings.

When my wife (we celebrated our 20th on 12/12.

We dated for six weeks.

She was talking to her parents about 3 weeks into our dating phase.  My future FIL asked her what my intentions were. (he was trying to be funny, and I intentionally ignored that. I knew where the relationship was doing) I told her to tell him, "He'll know when the time is right."  When we decided where it was going, I simply asked her as we walked out of a restaurant and headed for the car.  I knew I was "marrying up" and knew I'd kick myself in the future. "When it's right, it's right." She has no siblings and two cousins.  Guess who became the son?

Timing.  I've written about this before.  There was a prof who would give "sex talks" to various groups (e.g., dorm floors - we didn't have greek life).  He pointed out that an engagement should be no longer than it takes to plan the wedding and hit the aisle.  She & my MIL made very simple plans: one attendant each (her matron of honor did the taping) the grandparents, etc.  We had a sit-down meal at a place specializing in such things.

I won't go into the details as it would be too long. Suffice to say, we spent the afternoon in the hospital's ER where we worked (and met).

Here's a couple of observations: 

1) If you move in together, it's going to be difficult to move out & away from it because you have so much invested in items you've (each party) has brought into the shared quarters, and so on.  Living together has absolutely nothing to do with getting marriage (see previous).  If you live alone, have a discussion, you can kill the deal when it gets too messy.

2) Loss of freedom.  <snicker> I've never felt so free.  You double the joy and halve the bad. It's not as if I feel like I have to go to something with her because she went with me at some other point.  It's not a zero-sum game (everything balancing at zero)

3) Guys don't understand two issues, married or not:

a) Every woman, conscious of it or not (willing to admit it), has a couple of (calendar) dates in the back of their mind, regardless of they are aware of it or not:  some type of commitment to the relationship, whether it's dating exclusively, getting engaged, etc.

b) n.b. (nota bene - note well)  Guys, this took me a long time to figure out on my own and I'll give it away for free: It has nothing related to marriage but related to any time she wants to "unload" about work, friends, family, etc.

(pardon the all-caps I've been around long enough to know when it's important and when it's not) When a woman talks/shares,

SHE'S NOT LOOKING FOR A PROBLEM SOLVER!  

e.g.,

("The next time that happens, here's what you need to do: yadda yadda") or ("Here's what you should have done") 

SHE JUST WANTS SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO HER. (and she chose you)

If you can't keep your mouth shut and literally have to bite your tongue, do it.  If you interfere with her sharing, she might as well buy a teddy bear and keep it in her bedroom and talk to it.  It's not going to talk back. Stare deeply into her eyes which will let her know when she's talking and let her hold the talking stick (whoever holds the stick speaks) - it works well in a smalish group.

There's the obvious set of circumstances where she is soliciting your opion and after she's done, "Do you have any ideas?".