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Messages By: derevna33

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September 22, 2007, 5:11 am CDT

good morning

   I have survived major depressions for years.  I edited the word "battled" out of that sentence because it is not something I have overcome,  I have been forced  to terms with it because it is always there. ( I will spare you the details) 

   My first episode sent me to the mental hospital, and the psyche tech informed me that I "wasn't as crazy as I felt.  That sent me off in a long fit of crying.  In those days, something that small would have that effect.   Nowadays, I force myself to start off with a realistic attitude and GET OUT of bed!  That isn't as easy as it sounds.  At first, that was all I could do.  Then I had to force myself to take my medication, shower, dress for my busy day,  do my hair, and tidy my bedroom.  Feed the goldfish.  Check the philodendrons.  

   It sounds a little odd that doing the everyday things will help, but that is how big battles are won--with a victorious little skirmish with yourself.         

 
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November 27, 2007, 3:16 pm CST

He never promised you a rose garden

Quote From: mac2372

I FIND IT INTERESTING THAT EVERYONE FEELS SORRY FOR THE MOTHER IN LAW.  SHE IS NO ANGEL.  I MYSELF AM A DAUGHTER IN LAW TO A WOMAN WHO PRETTY MUCH IGNORES MY EXISTANCE.  SHE PLAYS FAVORITES WITH HER OTHER DAUGHTER IN LAW---OVER THAT OF HER OWN DAUGHTER.  SHE PLAYS FAVORITES WITH HER GRANDCHILDREN.  OFTEN TIMES PEOPLE POINT FINGERS AND MAKE ASSUMPTIONS THAT IT IS THE BRIDES JOB TO MAKE NICE WITH THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM........HOWEVER, IT WOULD SEEM THAT IT IS JUST AS MUCH THE MOTHERS RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE NICE WITH THE BRIDE.  AS FOR THE SON.  MAYBE HE SEES THE PICTURE FOR WHAT IT IS.  MAYBE HE IS SIDING WITH HIS BRIDE TO BE BECAUSE HE KNOWS HOW HIS MOTHER IS AND BEHAVED IN THE PAST.  AS FOR MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF WE SPEND VERY LITTLE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY.  USUALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS ONLY.  THEN FOR AS SHORT A TIME AS WE MUST.  WE BOTH GET LITTLE ENJOYMENT OUT OF IT.  THERES ALOT OF COMPETITION BETWEEN THE OTHER DAUGHTER IN LAW AND MY HUSBANDS SISTER.  SO TAKE A LOOK AT THE MOTHER OF THE GROOM AND CUT SOME SLACK TO THE YOUNG BRIDE.

    

    I believe any mother-in-law owes her first alligence to her son--not her daughter-in-law.  Remember that when you are a wife.  Being a wife means standing alongside her husband, and being his friend and confidant.  A wife must keep the things he has told her about his mother TO HERSELF!!  His secrets are her secrets. 

     That is the best way to help him 

 
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November 27, 2007, 3:25 pm CST

You can relax about that one

Quote From: susancm

I hope the husband/son (who because of his job isn't shown) is not in a position of power or trusted with the safety of others.  Dr. Phil said it best that he wouldn't want them on a jury. How can an grown man be so whipped by a Barbie Doll.  My 80 year old father has an expression for girls like Michelle.  Its like Jay is brainwashed.  He finds it almost impossible to say the word "I".  I actually watched the show twice today. He only said I when Dr. Phil corrected him.   I do feel Dr. Phil dropped the ball on this one.  Why didn't he speak with Jay alone?  Did Michelle not allow it?  Tell Michelle beauty fades...  I have a great relationship with my only (22 year old) son, but this show scared me to think there are people like Michelle out there that could do to me what Michelle did to Jay's mom.

  

    Your son would have to have to had over his body parts to the most hateful person he has ever known, watch her place them in the blender, and give them a thorough grinding.  There aren't many women that meet these requirements.

 
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November 27, 2007, 6:49 pm CST

What a nice idea

Quote From: bess_p

Seriously, this post really does sound like it was written by Michelle, especially with all the emphasis on "beautiful, sweet, and intelligent."  You forgot to mention the springy curls of golden hair, flowers spring up from her footsteps wherever she goes, and birds trill her name from the trees in a sweet chorus that brings tears to the eyes of angels.

 

 

Personally, speaking as one whose MIL can be a major pain in the butt, I thought that Michelle and Jay were more interested in getting even than reconciliation.  I mean, who cuts up flowers?  That was incredibly petty.

 

Jane's got her own issues, but at least between the councelling, reading, etc, there seemed to be a sincere effort on her part to imropove the situation.

 

 

   I needed the good giggle I got from reading about Michelle the beautiful, sweet, intelligent with "springy curls of--probably fake--golden hair, the flowers springing up from her footsteps wherever she goes, and the Beatles trilling her name "Michelle, our Belle" from the trees in a chorus bringing tears to the eyes of Angels.

 

   I remember that the Animals did the song Please don't let me be Misunderstood.  What is the song that fits by the Byrds?

 
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November 29, 2007, 9:14 pm CST

It'll take at least a month to begin

      On TLC, The Learning Channel, which is part of Discovery, there was a program on Mondays called "Honey, we are killing the Kids."   On this program, a family began a program with a dietitian and stressing healthy foods. The first week consisted of the family tossing out all the stuff in the freezer and pantry.  One poor father had to toss out his beloved Fry Daddy, deep fat fryer.  One embarrassed  mom took cooking classes.  There was one mother who had to ask for help in the fruits and vegetables section in the grocery store.  (She didn't know a turnip from a cauliflower)

    My favorite family had a son that couldn't make his 7th grade football team.  Instead of staying at home after school, he had his own trainer and he started boxing.  The football coach was pleased because he said Anthony would benefit from year round conditioning--which boxing stresses.  The whole family had to exorcise, one couple had to take up ball room dancing.  The list of options goes on and on.  

     The third week often featured such things as stopping smoking and limiting television viewing. 

 By then, the sugar withdrawal had ended and there was a lot less whining.  Everyone in the family felt much better and had lost weight.  

 

 

 

 
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December 4, 2007, 7:48 pm CST

12/04 Doomed from the Start?

Quote From: dreams2share

My husband never hit me in all ther years we were married but I was terribly verbally abused and my son was physically abused. It's hard to explain to people what verbal abuse is. It's not just being called names, in fact that was not my husband's most common form of verbal abuse. It was more about the subtle psychological undermining he did of me by withholding information, denying what he had just said, creating confusion, minimizing my concerns, manipulating, demeaning. In those ways he gained power and control and kept me from being the individual I was created to be. And it was a deal breaker!

    Verbal abuse isn't just being called names. I believe a good example is a tactic that addicts often use on their co-dependent spouse. Endless hours of listening to the "superior " spouse listing the many reasons that they are superior--which both of my alcoholic husbands were eager to do.  Husband #1 and husband #2 both believed they were more intelligent than I.  If I had an opinion of my own--well, it was automatically wrong.   And, I defended their bad behavior.  Made excuses for it.  Forgave them for the unforgivable.  Over and over again.

   Husband #1  had at least 6 affairs in 20 years before I gave up.  Husband #2 did 10 days for spousal abuse in 5 years of marriage.

   I understand that the co-dependent spouse develops the self-esteem of a gnat.  It ceases to exist at all.  I lost mine in both marriages, and I didn't realize it was gone!   Husband #1 and husband #2 both repented of their long abuse of me, and they vowed to become  better people.  Within 6 months, they forgave themselves and returned living their own merry, if sodden, lives.  The sickening, truly unfair thing is that a co-dependent takes much longer to recover.  The abuser says, "I'm sorry", and expects this to be all there is to it.   Abusers can do that--abusers have more control.  A co-dependent can only worry and stew.

    The fellow on the program can only vow to be a better ex-husband than he was a husband.  Being a good ex-husband means doing what is best for his children's mother.  She's in such awful shape that she considered reconciling with him. Returning to the marriage relationship is in his best interest, but it sure is not in hers.    

       

       

 

 
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December 5, 2007, 8:46 am CST

On being a co-dependent

Quote From: shadycat1

 She let herself go ? Classic excuse, sorry buddy, but you're no Samuel L. Jackson yourself.
I love how these people excuse themselves.
For Women its
he dosen't pay any attention to me ( is this man working two jobs to allow you to stay home with the kids and to giove you financial security).
he dosen't take me anywhere (have you ever asked ? are you financially ABLE to go out ? Pizza and candlelight at the kitchen table can be romantic )
I want excitement ( be careful what you wish for )
For Men
She let herself go ( okay that toddler of yours she's raising dosen't really care what she looks like, have YOU done anything top make her feel good )
I'm bored ( oh wah, what makes you think YOU'VE become more attractive and exciting over the years )
She'as a bad housekeeper ( when was the last time you picked up after yourself ? )
I want variety ( have you thought to bring this up and maybe make suggestions, or listen to hers )
And it all comes down to one thing, its YOUR choice whether or NOT to cheat, its not your spouses choice, its ALL YOURS.  The internet isn't at fault here, you can meet a partner ANYWHERE not just online, Face Book, MySpace are networking sites and you can CHOOSE who you speak to or NOT who you add or DON'T.
I hope she dosen't rush into a reconciliation with him.

   The addict or abuser will always find an adequate excuse.  It may be flimsy, but they will never find fault with themselves.  They will blame MySpace.  Or Craig'slist.  Or something.  An abusing husband will claim "she let herself go, she isn't as attractive as a size 2 runway model."  (He never notices he is not Denzel Washington)  When he feels the need to damage this children as much as his spouse, he claims that  "she's isn't a good parent."  When he attacks her value in society,  (we are as valuable as the money we earn) "she didn't earn enough money. "

    Those are handy excuses. 

    And the co-dependent finds excuses for him.  To the rousing strains of Tammy Wynette's Stand by Your Man, she forgives the unforgivable.  She is lost in the myth that this is a competition she must win with all the **** .  She will prove to all the--well, let's be charitable and say-- women that he cheated with that she is the better woman.  She goes off into a happy, feminine fantasy where she proves she deserves and truly loves him.  

    He has learned to play a co-dependent for a fool.  All he has to do is say "I'm sorry" and all the past is forgiven, and he gets to go on his own merry way.  He wants to protect himself from all those other women with a legal marriage.  (He can avoid an intense relationship with someone on Craig'slist by suddenly remembering 'I'm a married man")

    A reconciliation is in the best interests of the abuser, not the co-dependent..  She surrenders herself  in any relationship.  She is the last one to realize this because focusing on  being the best woman, the best wife, and the best mother that she can be takes up all her time and attention.  She forgets to remember if he is being the best husband or father.  He's a only a man, and he is not responsible for his own actions.   All the other women are the problem.  When she's honest with herself, which isn't often because she has as much self-esteem as a gnat, she admits she uses him as if he were  sexual object--the only dildo in town.

   And, she returns to that marriage as deluded as the first time she left.  I  

 
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December 6, 2007, 7:26 pm CST

A tough row to hoe . . .

Quote From: cdragice

I watch Dr. Phil nearly everyday and generally have great respect for him and his opinions. I've always found him to be fair and sensible. However, this episdoe made me so incredibly angry that I had to come on this site and say what I feel.

In the matter of the first couple, I can see his point. Depending on how strongly the man feels about not having children, it's something he needs to consider for his wife. But SHE needs to do the same for HIM! Marriage isn't just about making the woman happy, it's about both partners doing things for each other. I was very surprised that he didn't seem to focus on that.

It was the second couple that sent me through the roof! It's sad that she needs to have a child to validate herself.  In my opinion, her husband was extremely sensible and, for once, Dr. Phil was definitely NOT. Spending thousands of dollars to CREATE a child is NOTHING like spending it to SAVE a child that already exists! That woman is throwing money after something that simply will not happen for her. I'm sorry that she can't have kids, but that's life! Maybe there's a reason for that. Not every one is meant to reproduce.

However, the thing that upset me more than anyone is that Dr. Phil did not discuss adoption. If having a child is that important to you, then spend the money on the actual child, not on the possibility of one!! There are millions of children in desparate need of a loving family at this very moment, and this woman has the audacity to spend her entire savings on something that will not happen?! And Dr. Phil told her to do it?! There are already far too many people on this planet, it makes a lot more sense to save one that already exists than to just add to the problem.

That woman is exceptionally selfish, and I was extremely disappointed in Dr. Phil for supporting her. I only hope her husband has enough sense not to listen.

   This issue about having children must have come up when the couples were discussing their marriage before announcing their engagement.  If she entered the marriage knowing he did not wish to have children--and now she has changed her mind--she should also consider changing her husband.  The marriage is over.

    This is too large an issue for compromising. 

     Unfortunately, I know how that poor second woman feels.  I was married 7 years, and I was 29 years old when I starting trying to conceive.  As a teenager, I was taught that it is contraception that was challenging.  As a young wife, I discovered that certain joy of resorting to basal temperatures, charts,  and cervical mucus.  Months passed, and still no babies.  I became a nervous wreck.  I felt less than a woman or person.  (This is how I felt--people are not Vulcans and capable of being perfectly logical) 

     It turned out that the unknown reason that I could not easily conceive reared its ugly head.  I was developing cervical cancer.  Once each year, I made enough chemicals to conceive.  I was overjoyed when this happened. Things were looking up. 

    But the cancer reared its ugly head.  It masked several alarming symptoms, and that first child was

stillborn.  One of the most horrible things that can can happen to any woman is going into the delivery room to have a child that she knows is dead.  And then, six weeks later, my PAP smear came back to the doctor marked "suspicious, probably malignant."  I learned the true value of "double lab" for biopsies.  I had an operation, and I had to take cancer drugs for six weeks.

   Eventually, I had a daughter and a son.

   I would never, ever say that it was easy.  I would never say that all a person has to do was think positive thoughts.  Or relax.  For some people it is destined to be MUCH more difficult!   And there are absolutely no guarantees.       

    (I suspect that Dr. Phil did not discuss adoption because neither one of these couples could pass the psyche test for adoptive couples.  There is too much angst in both of them to bring a child into their worlds.)           

 
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December 7, 2007, 6:39 am CST

Antisocial Personality Order

Quote From: craig7501

I believe Drew is probably guilty of murdering his fourth wife. Three or four wives dont come up missing that are married to the same man. Domestic Violence is a terrible problem in the United States. I saw the aftermath of D.V. when I worked in the funeral business. I have seen what D.V. has done to families as a member of (POMC) Parents Of Murdered Children. My son, Eric was murdered in his dorm room at Gallaudet University in Washington, DC. Two years ago I put together a display called POMC Our Loved Ones Art & poems . It has traveled throughout the Northwest, CA & AZ. When I was putting it together I noticed one glaring fact, almost all the artwork came from young women that had been murdered by their boyfriends or husbands.

I have also written Victims Impact Statements for family members that have had their daughter or granddaughters murdered by husbands or boyfriends. Victim Impact letters goes to judges before sentencing.  

I now do an empathy class at a prison for the Transitional Program. A lot of these inmates dont have empathy towards their ex-wives or their victims.

I am sure that Drews wives saw the signs of D.V. way before they came up missing. Sounds like he has an anger management problem just like most of the guys I talk to in prison.

   I believe that many of the inmates you are  teaching in prison are not capable of empathy.  There is a big glaring reason that they believe that their "behavior" toward their ex-wives or girlfriends is justified.  Anger management does wonders for a person with a bad temper.  It is much, much too little, too late for repairing a conscience--or even for forming one--in a convict. 

   Normal people have four, basic emotions:  love, anger, jealousy, and guilt.  We need all four of them to be functioning peoples.  Most humans understand that we need love--we say we love chocolate, our favorite football team, Christmas etc etc etc.  We often deny the need for anger.  Anger is energy; it makes us do things.    Two year old children are blessed with lots of anger.  It isn't always pretty, but it is necessary.  And, then there is jealousy.  "Mine!"  Every parent hears that one from a three year old.

    Guilt is the one that separates the children from the adults.  Guilt is the knowledge that we have  options.  Guilt is the thing that tells us it is wrong to kill all five customers standing in the line during the bank robbery.  Guilt gives us brakes.  It stops us from considering things we can't justify later. 

     An absence of guilt, is to be antisocial.               

 
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December 7, 2007, 9:53 am CST

Why do I have to go through my life sober?

Quote From: anita45

 

this is exactly how i feel.  i have used alcohol to kill the pain and am afraid that the few times i have done it he will use it against me. my biggest fear is losing my child but i know it will never happen.  i am still terrified.

 

anita in ohio

    Dear Anita,

    This is a big problem, and it is too large for you to carry alone.

    Do you feel as fragile as crystal?  Do you wonder what self-esteem is because you haven't had any for so long? 

   Of coarse he will use it against you!  He knows threatening to gain custody is how to really  hurt you!  He abuses you because he gets away with it!  You have let him!

   (Do you think that maybe I've walked a few miles in your moccasins?)    

 

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