Messages By: nasale

Dr. Phil, 

     My name is Steve and I am just blown away by the comments made by the lady who was upset about the bills she and her husband had have to pay due to his transplant. I believe that if you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to keep the person you love with you, healthy and happy, you just don't know what the word "love" means. 

     This last March I lost my soul mate. His name was Tony and I would have died for him. Six months after we met he was diagnosed with A.I.D.S. and at that time I begged him to do whatever it took to give it to me so we would die together. Well, he loved me too much to do that, so I am still here...healthy. 

     We owned and antique store together and within a year we had to close it and liquidate the assets to pay bills. Within another year he was so sick that he couldn't take care of himself so I worked 40 hours a week at my job and and was with him every night, all night, and every weekend, all weekend, to care for him. This went on for nearly 10 years with no break of any sort...no vacations...no days off. 

     I came home one day to find Tony being taken away by a group from a nursing home. I was horrified to think that I wasn't doing a good enough job and became quite hysterical. Tony called my into the van and told me that he was doing this for me...he wanted me to be able to have a day off and some time to myself. It took me 3 hours to stop blubbering like and idiot and realize that he would get better care there by the professionals though I had to teach them allot about his care. He have 2 catheters,  a feeding tube and a lidacane drip for the pain, plus he was very atrophied in his left hand and foot due to Toxoplasmosis Encephalitis which hit him somewhat like a stroke. 

     I guess I have gone on way too long, but just wanted to let you know that we lost our business, our home (moved into an old mobile home where I still live) our S.U.V. was repossessed and I never once thought of complaining about taking care of him...NEVER CROSSED MY MIND! 

     You know what I do feel bad about?  I lost my soul mate! And now I am alone with no regrets of what I did when he got sick. 

Steve 

Extreme Parenting: 

My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband.   Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First.   

I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time.   

One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense.  I just didn't really know, to be honest.  All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry.   

Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault.  I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child.  I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger.  And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind.  I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up.   When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!!     

I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long.  When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me?  AM I the problem here?   

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation.  All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)!  No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically.  Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within.  We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships.   

So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been.  I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right.   I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military.  He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is.  I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. 

Wish us luck.  My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. 

Julie42 

On the whole church issue... 

I think its very sad that you have a little one crying for the missing siblings!  :(   Personally, I wouldnt let anything like that come between myself and my children.  Sorta seems, by the way you are describing it, that its a matter of "being right" for you all.  While you can stand your ground and have the knowledge that you are "right" it still doesent allow those children to be parts of your lives.  And in actuality, what it is probably doing, is just turning them away from the whole church idea even more.  After a year of seperation, they probably feel incredibly slighted, ignored, disrespected, and as if you and your husbands religion is more important then they are.  If you think about it, wouldnt the best way to teach them your beliefs be to show them by actions that you love and care for them and desire them to be with you?   I would think if you continued to stand your ground on this issue, you would only be doing the exact opposite of your intentions.  That you would in fact be pushing them farther and farther away from any of your beliefs!   

So I would say give up the whole right and wrong thing and bring those children back into your lives.  All of those three children are suffering because your husband wants to be right instead of having happy children.  I think thats a good example of "extreme parenting" and find it very very sad!  :( 

Hope you find some peace and resolve this situation!  Good luck! 

It took me 16 years to leave.....but In my situation, (and I'm sure many womans) I was scared of two things. 

#1.  Doing it on my own.. Mentally and Physically 

#2   Doing it on my own... Financially. 

With him I was still living paycheck to paycheck - but I was able to provide for my children in that we lived in a nice house, they had nice clothes & shoes (not expensive but nice) we could go and do and we had a lot of fun together.  I thought I could be the buffer and make thing right for them after he's been overly strict and critical. Nothing any of us did was right or good enough.  I couldn't even drive the correct route to pick him up. 

Fortunately my children, although I'm sure they are somewhat scared, are well adjusted happy young adults moving on with their lives.  My daughter is a SGT in the 82nd airbourne in Afghanistan - has 20-25 jump under her belt and loves it.  My son is working hard and just recently out on his own.  I'm very proud of them, but blame myself for staying in such an unhealthy relationship for so long and fear they will follow my footsteps. 

We have a very important job as parents to raise and protect our children and we can't do a good job of that if we're being verbally abuse daily 

Julie said.... "I think that there's a better way to live than to be constantly arguing, and constantly fighting and angry with each other over issues that could just be discussed,"   that is exactly how I felt... and whether it is alone or with someone else.  IT IS BETTER!!! I know.  I've been out for three Tuesday and I'm soo much more heathly both mentally and physically! 

I'm surprise Dr. Phil didn't use my favorite line of his.  cause I'm sure if a perfect stranger talked to Julie and her daughter in that manner he wouldn't tolerate it... So why is it ok for him? 

Great show today!  Thanks Dr. Phil and producers