04/02 Newlyweds
1 | 2 | 3Beth and Carlos
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 10:23:31
This is Beth, we are on the show today and are so excited!!! Dr.Phil was so sweet and nice to us!!! I was quite frankly terrified of being told "how it is" but my experience wasn't anything like that! We learned a whole lot, we have been making our marriage first, a priority before all things...for the sake of our son and ourselves. Marital problems do not benefit children in any way, shape or form. We make more time to be alone, have more dates, and are enjoying life so much more. Our son is also much better now, thanks to many prayers from all. The heart monitor should be getting picked up TOMORROW! Life is so wonderful now! THANK YOU DR.PHIL!!! I wish I could thank you in person!!!
(Dr.Phil is actually pretty darn skinny in person as well!)
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 10:23:31
This is Beth, we are on the show today and are so excited!!! Dr.Phil was so sweet and nice to us!!! I was quite frankly terrified of being told "how it is" but my experience wasn't anything like that! We learned a whole lot, we have been making our marriage first, a priority before all things...for the sake of our son and ourselves. Marital problems do not benefit children in any way, shape or form. We make more time to be alone, have more dates, and are enjoying life so much more. Our son is also much better now, thanks to many prayers from all. The heart monitor should be getting picked up TOMORROW! Life is so wonderful now! THANK YOU DR.PHIL!!! I wish I could thank you in person!!!
(Dr.Phil is actually pretty darn skinny in person as well!)
to Beth
Posted by: cadburie
Posted on: 2003-04-02 11:39:13
It is good that Dr. hil helped you out. It is good to have a good marriage that will show your son love. But, remember that your son comes first because he is a part of the two of you. Your marriage is important, and it is good for you to set an example to your son of what good relationships are. My husband and I are very happy together, and we are trying our best to set an example for our son. Being in a happy family is the best gift that you can give your child.
Posted by: cadburie
Posted on: 2003-04-02 11:39:13
It is good that Dr. hil helped you out. It is good to have a good marriage that will show your son love. But, remember that your son comes first because he is a part of the two of you. Your marriage is important, and it is good for you to set an example to your son of what good relationships are. My husband and I are very happy together, and we are trying our best to set an example for our son. Being in a happy family is the best gift that you can give your child.
Cadburie
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:24:27
Have no doubt that my son is a top priority. He gets all the attention and love in the world! I love him with all of my heart. I work on my marriage for him as well as myself and my husband! Are you trying to say that your son comes before your husband? Because it took your husband to make your son! In my mind, there is not a chart that says my husband comes before my son, or vice versus...in a way they take turns with me! =) I love both of them very much, but I can't neglect my husband to take care of my son all of the time. We found a balance that works for us where time is divided appropriately.
What works for one, may not work for another.
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:24:27
Have no doubt that my son is a top priority. He gets all the attention and love in the world! I love him with all of my heart. I work on my marriage for him as well as myself and my husband! Are you trying to say that your son comes before your husband? Because it took your husband to make your son! In my mind, there is not a chart that says my husband comes before my son, or vice versus...in a way they take turns with me! =) I love both of them very much, but I can't neglect my husband to take care of my son all of the time. We found a balance that works for us where time is divided appropriately.
What works for one, may not work for another.
re: to beth
Posted by: susu71
Posted on: 2003-04-04 11:27:08
My children, absolutely, without a doubt come first. Yes, it took my husband to create my children, BUT my husband is a grown man that can do things for himself. My children cannot survive by themselves. They need someone to prepare food for them, wash their clothing and someone to make them safe from the world. My husband can do these things for himself.
And my husband understands that the lack of attention is something that goes along with child rearing, in the younger stages.
I am glad thar Dr. Phil was able to suggest to you what millions of parents do every week or weekend. Make time for you husband, for the sake of your children.
Mara
Mom to 4 boys
wife of 10 years
Posted by: susu71
Posted on: 2003-04-04 11:27:08
My children, absolutely, without a doubt come first. Yes, it took my husband to create my children, BUT my husband is a grown man that can do things for himself. My children cannot survive by themselves. They need someone to prepare food for them, wash their clothing and someone to make them safe from the world. My husband can do these things for himself.
And my husband understands that the lack of attention is something that goes along with child rearing, in the younger stages.
I am glad thar Dr. Phil was able to suggest to you what millions of parents do every week or weekend. Make time for you husband, for the sake of your children.
Mara
Mom to 4 boys
wife of 10 years
Part of Life
Posted by: cipher1975
Posted on: 2003-04-02 16:04:29
I watched the show today and I was a little uneasy about this couple. My wife and I have been married for five years. We have a five year old son who was born exactly one week after we said our vows. I was 22 and my wife was 23. We were young, but we knew that our lives were to change forever. As far as your time together, you have to make time for one another. My wife and I had to make time for each other. Once we put our son to bed for the night, we would bring the monitor in whatever room we were in and we enjoyed each others company. We checked in on him occasionaly, but that was our time.
Your situation is different because your child has heart problems. As far as the time to go out and enjoy a romantic dinner or a movie, that is all over. However it can be done if you have a baby sitter. They are not always easy to come by. We now have our five years old and my 18 month old and going out is not a thing we do frequently. You have to find things to enjoy together at home to get time together. Try to make friends with other married couple who have children close to your childs age. They can help you a lot with understanding how to deal with time together.
Posted by: cipher1975
Posted on: 2003-04-02 16:04:29
I watched the show today and I was a little uneasy about this couple. My wife and I have been married for five years. We have a five year old son who was born exactly one week after we said our vows. I was 22 and my wife was 23. We were young, but we knew that our lives were to change forever. As far as your time together, you have to make time for one another. My wife and I had to make time for each other. Once we put our son to bed for the night, we would bring the monitor in whatever room we were in and we enjoyed each others company. We checked in on him occasionaly, but that was our time.
Your situation is different because your child has heart problems. As far as the time to go out and enjoy a romantic dinner or a movie, that is all over. However it can be done if you have a baby sitter. They are not always easy to come by. We now have our five years old and my 18 month old and going out is not a thing we do frequently. You have to find things to enjoy together at home to get time together. Try to make friends with other married couple who have children close to your childs age. They can help you a lot with understanding how to deal with time together.
Cipher
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 23:30:37
Unease? About what?! The show was taped months ago. Having a baby changes everything, especially if he is sick! He is better now and life is great. Just wondering what you are uneasy about?
We have family living closer now and a great support group, even a Mom's Group. Thanks for your concern and opinion though!
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 23:30:37
Unease? About what?! The show was taped months ago. Having a baby changes everything, especially if he is sick! He is better now and life is great. Just wondering what you are uneasy about?
We have family living closer now and a great support group, even a Mom's Group. Thanks for your concern and opinion though!
Posted by: valerie72
Posted on: 2003-04-02 19:23:33
I watched to the show as well today. I agree totally with Dr. Phil. It is important for you and your husband to have some time to yourselves. Don't feel guilty at all about leaving your baby with a trusted person,because in the long run if doing that makes you stronger and more functional as a husband and wife then your baby will be greatly rewarded throughout his developing childhood. Not spending quality time may in some cases cause other problems in your marriage, one being putting extra stress on both of you. Take Dr. Phil's advice,he's a great guy!!!
Newlyweds
Posted by: dolphins23
Posted on: 2003-04-02 11:48:46
I have been married for little over 8 months now. My husband was married before for 10 years and has a 11 year old son that lives with us. My husband is abusive. He gets upset at me or his son and he totaly gets out of control. He starts yelling and screaming and he is very verbal abusive when he is upset. I am not sure where to go from here. On sunday evening we were having a discussion and I was very calm he gets upset and start yelling and screaming. I get my purse to leave and he meets me at the door and says I am not going anywhere. He grabs my arms and throws me up against the wall. I finally got away and I grabbed the phone to call 911 he grabs the phone from my hand. We are in the kitchen and he is standing there yelling at me. He finally calms down and he apologized and started with his crockdile tears. I started crying and told him I had to go. He said please don't go he said he would go instead. I told him I wanted to leave. He left the room and I went into the bedroom to hurry up and get my stuff before he changed his mind and wouldn't let me leave. He did let me leave. On monday I went back to get some more of my clothes and to talk to his son and told his son I was leaving for a few days.I spoke to my husband that evening and he takes no responsiblty for his actions. I need help. I am not sure where to go from here. If anyone can give me their thoughts. I would be very grateful. Thank you
Posted by: dolphins23
Posted on: 2003-04-02 11:48:46
I have been married for little over 8 months now. My husband was married before for 10 years and has a 11 year old son that lives with us. My husband is abusive. He gets upset at me or his son and he totaly gets out of control. He starts yelling and screaming and he is very verbal abusive when he is upset. I am not sure where to go from here. On sunday evening we were having a discussion and I was very calm he gets upset and start yelling and screaming. I get my purse to leave and he meets me at the door and says I am not going anywhere. He grabs my arms and throws me up against the wall. I finally got away and I grabbed the phone to call 911 he grabs the phone from my hand. We are in the kitchen and he is standing there yelling at me. He finally calms down and he apologized and started with his crockdile tears. I started crying and told him I had to go. He said please don't go he said he would go instead. I told him I wanted to leave. He left the room and I went into the bedroom to hurry up and get my stuff before he changed his mind and wouldn't let me leave. He did let me leave. On monday I went back to get some more of my clothes and to talk to his son and told his son I was leaving for a few days.I spoke to my husband that evening and he takes no responsiblty for his actions. I need help. I am not sure where to go from here. If anyone can give me their thoughts. I would be very grateful. Thank you
Stand STRONG
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:18:03
Stand STRONG! DO NOT go back. You do not deserve any abuse. No one does. If he does it once, most likely he will do it again! Please don't fall into the trap, abuse becomes a routine in some relationships. Abnormal fights, making up, plateau, and then it repeats itself over and over again! Fighting is ok as long as there is no abuse. You deserve someone who will love you for you and who will listen to what you have to say and RESPECT YOU! NOT SOMEONE WHO HURTS YOU!!! You are worth so much more than to waste your life away with a jerk! (No offense, but I have NO respect whatsoever for a Man who hits a Woman!
Please keep us posted on how you are dealing with your dilema! WE LOVE YOU!
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:18:03
Stand STRONG! DO NOT go back. You do not deserve any abuse. No one does. If he does it once, most likely he will do it again! Please don't fall into the trap, abuse becomes a routine in some relationships. Abnormal fights, making up, plateau, and then it repeats itself over and over again! Fighting is ok as long as there is no abuse. You deserve someone who will love you for you and who will listen to what you have to say and RESPECT YOU! NOT SOMEONE WHO HURTS YOU!!! You are worth so much more than to waste your life away with a jerk! (No offense, but I have NO respect whatsoever for a Man who hits a Woman!
Please keep us posted on how you are dealing with your dilema! WE LOVE YOU!
Don't let it take 10 years or even 10 months!
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:27:07
Your husband's ex took 10 YEARS to get smart and get with it!!! Don't even waste 10 months on him! You have only been married to him for 8 months, get OUT while the getting is good! I do NOT believe in divorce, but there are exceptions. AND ABUSE IS ONE OF THEM! Unless he is willing to get help and GET REAL with himself, walk away and DONT LOOK BACK!
<3 Beth
Posted by: bethmoreno
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:27:07
Your husband's ex took 10 YEARS to get smart and get with it!!! Don't even waste 10 months on him! You have only been married to him for 8 months, get OUT while the getting is good! I do NOT believe in divorce, but there are exceptions. AND ABUSE IS ONE OF THEM! Unless he is willing to get help and GET REAL with himself, walk away and DONT LOOK BACK!
<3 Beth
Get Help or Get Out
Posted by: cipher1975
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:43:38
Like Dr. Phil sais today on the show, past behavior tells future behavior. This will never change for you unless he changes. His abuse is something that he has always had. Your marriage is very young so you have a lot less investment than someone who has been married for ten years. Don't get me wrong, get him to seek help. If he refusses to get help then tell him that you will not come back until he does. Give him a time frame like three months or so before you serve him with divorce papers. Don't stay in abusive marriage under no circumstances. I am a man who has been happily married for five years and I feel that abuse is no excuse.
Posted by: cipher1975
Posted on: 2003-04-02 12:43:38
Like Dr. Phil sais today on the show, past behavior tells future behavior. This will never change for you unless he changes. His abuse is something that he has always had. Your marriage is very young so you have a lot less investment than someone who has been married for ten years. Don't get me wrong, get him to seek help. If he refusses to get help then tell him that you will not come back until he does. Give him a time frame like three months or so before you serve him with divorce papers. Don't stay in abusive marriage under no circumstances. I am a man who has been happily married for five years and I feel that abuse is no excuse.
Posted by: valerie72
Posted on: 2003-04-02 19:29:32
Take it from me I have been in a similar situation. It is best to try and talk things out, if that doen't work, and you think things aren't going to get better then you should leave and don't go back. I was emotional and physically abused for 2 years and I left. It wasn't easy,but you can make it. EVERYONE deserves to be loved and respected and NO ONE deserves to be abused. Remember there is someone out there that will love,adore,and cherish you for being the wonderful person you are. DO NOT settle for second best, you are much better than that.
to dolphins23
Posted by: capri03
Posted on: 2003-04-02 14:27:36
oh dear, where do I begin?.......please get a plan in place to get out of this mess......you most certainly are being abused......never mind the tears on his part.......and his suggestion that he leave and not you.........that is merely to get you to stay there in the house.......so that he can eventually work his way back into the place, if he should leave.
My suggestion to you is to GET OUT YOURSELF. You are doing the right thing by calling 911..........and also by wanting to leave........please continue to do so....in fact I hope that you are not there now.
Get a cell phone if you do not already have one.....just in your name.
Look in the front of your local phone book and locate the number for the abused womens hotline and or resources.......call them.....they will offer moral support and some suggestions and guidelines for leaving....they can also offer resources to help with the logistics of your getting out...even if you do not want to go into a shelter.
They will get you in touch with support groups and advocates that will help you with your decisions and offer counseling. There are no fees for any of this. IT IS ALL CONFIDENTIAL,too.
Dr. Phil offers his message board on "Abuse" where you will find people who are living the same situation........also those who have made it out. There is a lot of support going on there.
Go to the message boards, scroll down to Relationships......click on marriage.....then choose ...Abuse.
Stay in touch
Posted by: capri03
Posted on: 2003-04-02 14:27:36
oh dear, where do I begin?.......please get a plan in place to get out of this mess......you most certainly are being abused......never mind the tears on his part.......and his suggestion that he leave and not you.........that is merely to get you to stay there in the house.......so that he can eventually work his way back into the place, if he should leave.
My suggestion to you is to GET OUT YOURSELF. You are doing the right thing by calling 911..........and also by wanting to leave........please continue to do so....in fact I hope that you are not there now.
Get a cell phone if you do not already have one.....just in your name.
Look in the front of your local phone book and locate the number for the abused womens hotline and or resources.......call them.....they will offer moral support and some suggestions and guidelines for leaving....they can also offer resources to help with the logistics of your getting out...even if you do not want to go into a shelter.
They will get you in touch with support groups and advocates that will help you with your decisions and offer counseling. There are no fees for any of this. IT IS ALL CONFIDENTIAL,too.
Dr. Phil offers his message board on "Abuse" where you will find people who are living the same situation........also those who have made it out. There is a lot of support going on there.
Go to the message boards, scroll down to Relationships......click on marriage.....then choose ...Abuse.
Stay in touch
dolphins....part 2
Posted by: capri03
Posted on: 2003-04-02 14:43:22
Stay in touch there. I will be looking for your post.
Hoping you are safe.
Take care.
Posted by: capri03
Posted on: 2003-04-02 14:43:22
Stay in touch there. I will be looking for your post.
Hoping you are safe.
Take care.
to Joanna
Posted by: sunlov
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:03:26
joanna, i have been married a little less than 8 months to a precious christian man. we are very much in love. I am a christian. more specifically i am baptist. i, like you have been taught that sex was wrong outside of marriage. we waited until we were married to have sex.i have to say that even though i was so excited to finally get to be with my husband, i also had a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself.those feelings still come sometimes.if you truly believe the bible, you must believe it in its entirity. God created the institution of marriage and He made it holy. He commanded Adam and Eve to "multiply" and populate the earth. Now, God knows where babies come from and He made it so that we enjoy sex. Its easy to associate sex with negative feelings when you have spent the better part of 20 years being told that its wrong. Just know that in the confines of marriage, GOd provides great freedom for sexual pleasure. I hope this helps. Sometimes,when i am struggling with those feelings, I just ask my husband to give me 10 minutes to myself. Sometimes I take a quick shower to relax or just spend some time praying that God will bless the physical aspect of our marriage and help me to enjoy the gift of sex with my husband. I hope this helps.
Posted by: sunlov
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:03:26
joanna, i have been married a little less than 8 months to a precious christian man. we are very much in love. I am a christian. more specifically i am baptist. i, like you have been taught that sex was wrong outside of marriage. we waited until we were married to have sex.i have to say that even though i was so excited to finally get to be with my husband, i also had a hard time relaxing and enjoying myself.those feelings still come sometimes.if you truly believe the bible, you must believe it in its entirity. God created the institution of marriage and He made it holy. He commanded Adam and Eve to "multiply" and populate the earth. Now, God knows where babies come from and He made it so that we enjoy sex. Its easy to associate sex with negative feelings when you have spent the better part of 20 years being told that its wrong. Just know that in the confines of marriage, GOd provides great freedom for sexual pleasure. I hope this helps. Sometimes,when i am struggling with those feelings, I just ask my husband to give me 10 minutes to myself. Sometimes I take a quick shower to relax or just spend some time praying that God will bless the physical aspect of our marriage and help me to enjoy the gift of sex with my husband. I hope this helps.
To all who know this pain...
Posted by: paminalong
Posted on: 2003-04-02 22:12:31
I am encouraged, and a bit saddened, that so many marriages that suffer from this issue have survived and are thriving. I would like to say that my marriage had the same outcome. My husband chose to turn to "hang it up" rather than "hang in there" until I...we...could understand and then deal with the multple layers of this onion. Chad, it can happen. It can work. You and Joanna (whom you appear to be deeply in love with) absolutely can have a beautiful physical relationship. Keep Christ the center of your relationship. Exercise patience (and all the 1 Corinthians stuff!!!). Let God stand with you through this period in your life...
Posted by: paminalong
Posted on: 2003-04-02 22:12:31
I am encouraged, and a bit saddened, that so many marriages that suffer from this issue have survived and are thriving. I would like to say that my marriage had the same outcome. My husband chose to turn to "hang it up" rather than "hang in there" until I...we...could understand and then deal with the multple layers of this onion. Chad, it can happen. It can work. You and Joanna (whom you appear to be deeply in love with) absolutely can have a beautiful physical relationship. Keep Christ the center of your relationship. Exercise patience (and all the 1 Corinthians stuff!!!). Let God stand with you through this period in your life...
to Chad
Posted by: sunlov
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:27:12
Chad, I understand that you feel frustrated about your wife's lack of response to your sexual advances. now im no psychologist, but i challenge you to talk to her. ask her "what makes you feel loved"? the answer to that question may greatly help your level of intimacy--and that isnt only physical. she might need you to cuddle more, or help out around the house.i am sure that she feels your frustration and impatience and feels pressured. let me tell you. a woman's body responds best to sexual advances when it is totally relaxed. let joanna know that you love her and that you married her for love and not just sex. and trust that physical intimacy will come. maybe you should just spend some time learning each other's bodies. many christian couples who marry as virgins have a very hard time jumping right into sex.our minds, emotions, and bodies don't radically change just because we put rings on during a ceremony. intimacy takes time and patience. you get better at it as you go along. in fact, for some young couples it takes months for them to actually consumate the marriage. i challenge you to adjust your sexual expectations of joanna. if you expect her to go from being a virgin to swinging from the chandelier just because you got married, im afraid you are going to be disappointed. in fact, she may never swing from the chandelier. just try to be the best husband you can. try your best to be the husband God has called you to be.Consciously love Joanna with all that you have with
Posted by: sunlov
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:27:12
Chad, I understand that you feel frustrated about your wife's lack of response to your sexual advances. now im no psychologist, but i challenge you to talk to her. ask her "what makes you feel loved"? the answer to that question may greatly help your level of intimacy--and that isnt only physical. she might need you to cuddle more, or help out around the house.i am sure that she feels your frustration and impatience and feels pressured. let me tell you. a woman's body responds best to sexual advances when it is totally relaxed. let joanna know that you love her and that you married her for love and not just sex. and trust that physical intimacy will come. maybe you should just spend some time learning each other's bodies. many christian couples who marry as virgins have a very hard time jumping right into sex.our minds, emotions, and bodies don't radically change just because we put rings on during a ceremony. intimacy takes time and patience. you get better at it as you go along. in fact, for some young couples it takes months for them to actually consumate the marriage. i challenge you to adjust your sexual expectations of joanna. if you expect her to go from being a virgin to swinging from the chandelier just because you got married, im afraid you are going to be disappointed. in fact, she may never swing from the chandelier. just try to be the best husband you can. try your best to be the husband God has called you to be.Consciously love Joanna with all that you have with
joanna=me 5 years ago
Posted by: seimpre_fi
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:29:52
Joanna, i completely understand the way you feel about sex! when my husband and i got married, 5 years ago, i didnt want to do anything beyond making out! the truth is that im just now starting to enjoy it! it's not that my husband is a "bull in a china shop", but, like you, i also had "sex is dirty and bad" ingrained into my thinking process. i just recently decided to change the way i think. i decided to tell my self that God wants me to enjoy sex within the perimiter of marriage and i have come to find that i am starting to like it very much! Dr. phil was right on when he said to change your way of thinking! Of course that advice is good in every area in life. about that grabbing thing that your husband dose... my hubby used to do that. i started punching him in the arm everytime he grabbed me. as you can guess... he hasen't grabbed me in a long long long time:)
Posted by: seimpre_fi
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:29:52
Joanna, i completely understand the way you feel about sex! when my husband and i got married, 5 years ago, i didnt want to do anything beyond making out! the truth is that im just now starting to enjoy it! it's not that my husband is a "bull in a china shop", but, like you, i also had "sex is dirty and bad" ingrained into my thinking process. i just recently decided to change the way i think. i decided to tell my self that God wants me to enjoy sex within the perimiter of marriage and i have come to find that i am starting to like it very much! Dr. phil was right on when he said to change your way of thinking! Of course that advice is good in every area in life. about that grabbing thing that your husband dose... my hubby used to do that. i started punching him in the arm everytime he grabbed me. as you can guess... he hasen't grabbed me in a long long long time:)
Posted by: tpgent
Posted on: 2003-04-02 15:47:01
Dr. Phil,
Please have your staff set a small box of Kleenex on stage for those women who end up in tears. It's pretty disgusting to see the snot running down there nose. I'm sure they would feel much better knowing that their faces are clean on national television.
Thank you
