08/01 Biggest Mistakes Parents Make, Part 2

"Because I said No"
Posted by: lenahoke
Posted on: 2003-05-12 09:12:31

I learned that as a parent, I am constantly saying No to my two kids. I get to the point sometimes that I do not feel that I should have to explain myself after I have said No, especially when they know why I said No to begin with. So, I began telling them that No is a complete sentence which means that no explanation is needed or will be given. And once I tell them No, I will look away from them which lets them know that I am through talking to them about the situation. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't, but I stay with it because I know it will eventually sink into their heads.
I have tried that
Posted by: klyn65
Posted on: 2003-05-12 14:11:31

lenahoke, I have tried just saying "no". Unfortunately, my child is only 3. He just doesn't understand. He is very much like the triplets. I really am running out of ideas. He is now even acting up in school. I have tried every thing. Right now, nothing seems to be working. I am going to try some of the things that Dr. Phil mentioned today.
I"m in the same boat KLY
Posted by: lnmomof3
Posted on: 2003-05-12 15:45:31

I find many situations,,,a "Damned if you do and a Damned if you don't situation"

IE: this weekend...I had to pick up my 12yro son at a friends house. (sleep over) The 3yro is going through a "phase" that she wants to be like the big kids and wants to ride without a car seat. Well the word "safety" goes in one ear and out the other,,of course!...After 10 minuets of this ladies nieghbors watching me..I finally got fed up,,,grabbed the 3yro..and "manhandled" her into the car seat!!!! I KNOW she was "playing" me!!! and I had it!!!!! Needless to say,,,I had a mommie pushing a stroller down the street look at me and give that grin...you know...the grin of,,been there done that. But yet I had others stare like I was "abusing" this child. At this point ...I was so fed up and had a "attitude" myself..I just waved at these people...LOL...I figured..if they are gonna stare..I will wave and acknowledge them..LOL.

She screamed for about 2 blocks and it was forgotten. Our 3yro is a "sore spot" on our family. We've been married 12yrs and have 3 kids...12, 9, and 3. (NO MORE KIDS>>>THAT HAS BEEN FIXED!! AGAINST THE ADVICE OF DRS!!!BUT THAT IS HOW I GOT PREG THE 3rd TIME)

NOW!!!,,, I love all my kids!!! Dearly!!!! But I understood these people and thier kid woessssss sooooo much!!!!! The 3yro is the "terror" of our house. She is the baby and she is spoiled!!! I admit...she is spoiled!!! " My last baby I will ever have" experience.


I'm in the same boat kly
Posted by: sharonball
Posted on: 2003-05-12 17:53:35

You are the momma she is the child. If you can't do nothing with her now what can you do when she is 12 or 13.You need to put a stop to it now.
I am in the same boat also
Posted by: traci01127
Posted on: 2003-08-01 18:19:07

I can really relate to the just saying No campaign. Sometimes I can't just say no. My daughter also resembles Carissa from today's show (8/1). She is very smart and gets good grades in school however trying to get her to do things at home is a constant battle....any ideas? I have even gone as far as telling her that I am going to throw the things out when she doesn't pick up her stuff...but this doesn't seem to bother her......It is almost like being in trouble doesnt seem to bother her and she doesnt care....
A question ...
Posted by: aprinoct
Posted on: 2003-08-01 19:04:13

I read that you "tell" her that you might throw away some of her things, but you never said if you ever have or not. I have 2 children, ages 10 and 12 and I will tell you, that certain behaviors or their lack of responsibility toward their own possessions have prompted me to do just that in the past. I have thrown things away, and I will say that just following through with a punishment like that has made a big difference in cooperation and in disciplinary situations. Good-luck.
me too!
Posted by: geo95glo
Posted on: 2003-08-01 15:32:22

I have a 3 1/2-year old daughter, she will be 4 in less than two months. She yells, screams, throws things and dumps food and juice on the carpet just "to make mommy mad". The screaming and yelling is our fault, we started using it when she started to dump the food in the apartment we moved to a little over a year ago. We had to move about 300 miles from the house she was born in to a cramped apartment. Her daddy started working again, after being at home for approx. a year and a half. I can pinpoint the exact time frame my husband and I lost control of her. It was after this move, approximately a month, after my husband complained that I was coddling her and I tried to make her more independant and instead, I believe, made her feel abandoned even more with all the upheaval and my partial withdrawal. I believe she decided to rebel against this and now our handling of her rebellion has led us to the place where we are now. Yelling at her much of the time. She was a sweet, thoughtful, loving 2 1/2-year old and slowly has become basically wild and thoughtless and now tends to withhold love when we want it.
33yrsas a mom
Posted by: breezilady
Posted on: 2003-08-01 16:47:18

You did the right thing by taking charge of your 3 year old - God gave her to you to take charge of and be the parent. I've been a teacher for over 20 years too, and most of the "grief" we have in school comes from kids that have never had their boundaries set and are shocked when the school follows through.One time, I had a parent in for a child study evaluation with the team and after the evaluation was recommended, the mom said that she would have to "ask her son"! He was 8 years old! Who's in charge here?
My children range from 21 to 33 now, and they are not perfect, but people do tell me what great kids they are - repsonsible and polite - and have been. 21 of those parent years were done as a single parent. One is now a teacher, another a chemical engineer, another works in news broadcasting, and the youngest is studying psychology and spanish at college. They all paid their own way through school and have held jobs since they were young teens.
Hang in there - let people look - you didn't abuse your child, you just took charge.
To breezilady
Posted by: happymamaj
Posted on: 2003-08-01 21:15:07

I am a recently divorced mother of two, 3 1/2 yrs and 9 months. I just want to know if you have any advice for single parenting. I don't know what your situation is, but my children's dad is not very cooperative. He sees the 3 1/2 year old every other weekend, and its just fun time all weekend. When I tell her to do something she doesn't agree with 50% of the time she starts crying that she wants her daddy. Other than that she is a very well behaved and intelligent lil' girl. (She is already set that she's saving her piggy bank for $ to become a doctor) It is tween and teen years that terrify me. That and the fact that I'm not going to be there is much as I planned on being if I would have been able to continue being a stay-at-home mom. ADVICE PLEASE!!! All the parenting magazines out there assume everyone is coming from a perfect lil two parent home and we, unfortunately aren't all in that position.
Disagree with happymamaj
Posted by: jasper1951
Posted on: 2003-09-04 11:21:47

Most of the parenting magazines cater to the single mom these days. I am sick and tired of single moms thinking that the world owes them something. You should have stayed married and toughed it out. It is much easier to divorce than it is to dig deep down and weather the storm. If you can't handle being a single mom then give the kids to the father and shut up.
DISAGREE WITH JASPER1951
Posted by: carsoncody
Posted on: 2005-01-02 00:46:31

YOU SHOULDNT LEAVE SUCH ROUD MESSAGES REGARDING HAPPYMAMAJ ASKING FOR ADVICE RAISING HER CHILDLREN. I WAS A SINGLE MOM FOR 3 YEARS WITH MY OLDEST SON AND I TRIED VERY HARD TOO WORK THROUGH MY MARRIAGE BUT SOMETIMES (REGARDLES WHAT YOU THINK) IT JUST DOESNT WORK OUT. I NOW HAVE A NEW HUSBAND AND 2 MORE CHILDREN AND I STILL NEED ADVICE SOMETIMES REGARDING CERTAIN ISSUES MY CHILDREN HAVE. IM A STAY AT HOME MOM AND MY WHOLE LIFE REVOLVES AROUND MY KID'S. IM VERY POSITIVE TOWARDS MY CHILDREN AND I HAVE THEM ON A SET SCHEDULE. I READ WITH MY KID'S, PLAY, GO FOR WALKS, RIDE BIKES, WE HAVE LEARNING TIME AND THE LIST GO'S ON. MOST MOM'S OUT IN THIS WORLD ARE GREAT MOM'S BUT THEY ALL STILL HAVE HARD TIMES WITH THEIR CHILDREN INCLUDING ME. I GIVE CREDIT TO ALL THE MOM'S OUT THERE BECAUSE IT'S NOT EASY BEING A MOM WEATHER YOUR A 2 PARENT FAMILY OR A SINGLE MOM. MY 8YR OLD SON IS VERY SMART, DOES GREAT IN SCHOOL AND IS WELL BEHAVED 90% OF THE TIME. MY 4 YRS OLD SON IS VERY DISTRUCTIVE, LIKES TO BE MEAN AND SAY'S MEAN THING'S 80% OF THE TIME AND IS VERY LOVING 20% OF THE TIME. MY 2YR OLD DAUGHTER IS VERY HAPPY, DANCES, SINGS, LAUGHS, SHARES, 80% OF THE TIME AND THE OTHER 20% SHE IS VERY STUBORN.
same boat
Posted by: wantpeace2
Posted on: 2003-08-01 23:32:39

Be very careful about "man-handing" any of your children. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and my husband, during a redirection or discipline incident, grabbed my son's leg. Three weeks later my ex-husband called the police and CPS claiming a bruise my son had on the opposite leg was from my husband. The police didn't believe it, but CPS said they must list it as "inconclusive" being that they couldn't prove that my husband didn't put the bruise (even if it was the opposite leg) on my son. My husband must now be put on a list of "possible abusers". We will appeal the decision, but this tragedy has been . . . an education. CPS did not take pictures of the bruise or give any facts as to how long a bruise would last. My son's bruise was just starting to heal three weeks after the "alleged incident". He had been with his biological father for a week at that time. This whole incident was a mere control issue from my ex as opposed to child abuse, but CPS doesn't care and they don't feel they need to seek the truth. It's just another case on their desk that they want to evaluate out. Be careful.
How I cured the seatbelt problem!
Posted by: horseteach
Posted on: 2003-08-02 16:07:32

When my children were little and they went through the "no seatbelt" times, I would just let them take them off (in a safe area) and just tap on the brakes/ accelerate a little. This is the most valuable lesson I gave them. They are now 16 and 15 (yes, 14 mo apart)For the longest time I had to convince them that they were not in a car accident. Yes they tumbled and got scared and they should be! Ounce of prevention. You must get out of your vocabulary the "sore spot" or this attitude will cause all the children future resentment!(
We're all in the same boat
Posted by: lissa92
Posted on: 2003-08-04 07:12:29

I have been there done that. 3 times over now. Just rest assured that those of us who watch and smile at you in those situations know exactly where you're coming from and we understand. Those people who scowl at you probably were never blessed with children of their own and missed those happy moments.
Try yes instead!
Posted by: mom4twinbz
Posted on: 2003-05-12 21:30:50

I know how you and the couple with triplets) feel. I have two-year old twin boys. They are not fond of the word "no" either. I have had some luck trying to make the "no" into a "yes". When they want something they can't have I say "No, you can't have ___, but you can have ___). If I give them two options for what they can have it works even better. Good Luck!!!
no
Posted by: annahendri
Posted on: 2003-06-15 08:41:27

klyn65,
Your son is three. He does know what no means. He is testing you. My Grandson is almost 22 months. If I say no he looks at me when he is going to do something he knows he shouldn't. Example he started to put a crayon in he's mouth, saw Me looking at him and pulled it away from his mouth. He is very active and very smart and talkative for his age. Repeats all words he hears. Has been walking and running since 10 months of age.
I agree
Posted by: astikali
Posted on: 2003-08-01 11:07:21

My grandchildren are now 6 & 8 and when they are going to do something that they know they shouldn't be doing, and I am there, they look at me, not their parents, because they know that I will react instantly where their parents, who are busy, will say something and go on with what they are doing. The "kids" always seem to be amazed at how good their children are when I am there. I try telling them that the grandkids know that their actions will get an instant reaction. It's hard in the beginning, but once they know you will instantly react, they behave better with no threats since they already know what will happen.
"No
Posted by: klingsberg
Posted on: 2003-08-01 22:22:45


"No"
Posted by: klingsberg
Posted on: 2003-08-01 22:25:45

I have 5 year old twins and a sixteen month old and was given some of the best advice when my kids were two (from a mother of four-in-five years!)which is, SAY YES WHENEVER YOU CAN. Decide what is really important before you say no. But once you say no, mean it and don't give in. Works for me.
It's in the delivery and consistency.
Posted by: beach6818
Posted on: 2003-08-05 08:57:02

I have to tell you, your child does in fact understand no at age 3. He/she has already figured out that for you no means something else. Kid's don't go forever on something that doesn't work. They're getting something out of you and likely if you say no doesn't work, you've given in at least part of the time. Inconsistent reward is far more effective at teaching a behavior than curbing one. If you don't give in consistently over a period of time, they do get it. The important thing to remember is disciplining children is really an exercise in disciplining yourself. My children are now 19 and 14 and believe me, it's not been easy to stick to your guns, but the payoff is worth it. I'm also a teacher and the same works in the classroom. Eventually teachers will catch on that your giving in enough to teach your child to push and will likely tell you (if they're smart). If you can discipline yourself now, you will find your life easier when they're a teenager when it counts most.