12/25 Consumed With Conceiving

Samantha, Shelly, Melissa
Posted by: hspirits
Posted on: 2003-10-22 08:01:42

Samantha: All I can say is how would you feel if your husband said to you that he wants a divorce if you dont lose 10 pounds, give him kids, or get bigger breasts?

Shelly's husband: Please think about what you are saying around your kids. You dont think they pick up on you wanting a boy? To a child, hearing that can be devistating. Even if you are a great dad to them, it still can be a blow to a child..."Im not good enough to satisfy my father".

Melissa: I am an only child and LOVE it!!!!!! Please stop listening to society. I suffer from infertility (over 11 years with no success) and can tell you society can be cruel. I get the most ignorant comments! Dont worry about any body else but yourself! You do whats best for YOUR family, not what anybody else thinks.
Agree
Posted by: kvhgirl
Posted on: 2003-10-22 09:12:08

All I can say to Samantha is don't push him. We had fertility problems along with 4 miscarriages and were about to call it quits when our miracle baby came along. My husband shut down just in case anything happened and didn't come out of his shell until she was a year old. That first year was exhausting for me basically being the only parent. Later he told me he hadn't shared my enthusiasm from the start of trying to have a baby he had wanted to wait but I wouldn't listen (that darn clock was in overdrive I guess) There were a lot of times I couldn't understand why he wasn't more into this child than I was during that first year, he loved her but would get upset if she was up a lot at night which of course caused arguments for us. Anyway, speaking from experience, don't push him.
Having a Baby that you can't
Posted by: irishbug
Posted on: 2003-10-22 09:57:20

I completely understand with Samantha. Not that I agree but my husband and I went thru the same thing. It is the worst thing that a couple can go thru. No one can help and no one understands and it does begin to take over your whole life. You can't stop thinking about it. I too gave my husband a choice to the point that I would pick at random out of the phone book or we get tested. We went thru many tests and came to find out that it was me. We now have a son but I want another one and have to go down that road again. I am dreading doing this again and don't know if I can take the emotion toll again. Good luck and don't give up!
Wanting a Baby
Posted by: nobabyyet
Posted on: 2003-10-22 19:16:53

I know where you are coming from but you can't give up on your marriage. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have tried all 8 years to have a baby. We tried 2 IVF and we were in the unexplained catagory. We also had a private adoption fail last March of this year after we had our babies room done. We have made it this far. We are trying to find another birthmother but it is hard to trust anyone again. We never gave up on each other, and let me tell you those words came out of both of our mouths, but we stuck to it. It is so easy to point fingers but you are in the marriage together, what one is going through so is the other. It could be alot worse. Be thankful for all you have together and NEVER GIVE UP.
Re: Wanting a baby
Posted by: samilic
Posted on: 2003-10-23 00:07:54

Your posting touched my soul! We are constantly palying the blame game-"if it is me, I will eave so you can find someone who can have your children", etc. The Dr. told us that unexplained infertility cases are the hardest to deal with and I agree! We have our good days and bad days, but when we took those vows in front of God and our family and friends, we meant them. The easy thing would be to leave, but I have a feeling we are going to be just fine. We have both opened our eyes a little wider to the other's view and compromise (in our life plan) is in the making. I am eternally grateful for what we have together and I appreciate the encouragement not to give up! Thanks!
Don't Give Up
Posted by: sheela1
Posted on: 2003-10-23 18:39:44

Please don't give up. I know exactly how you feel. I finally have a baby after 5 IVF attempts, 3 surgerys, and 2 fertility doctors. If your health insurance will pay, you should continue with the IVF tries. It takes alot out of you, I know. But it is worth it to finally have a beautiful baby in the end.
Frustrated
Posted by: jechelle99
Posted on: 2004-12-28 21:00:04

I'm 38 years. I had a misscarriage 2 years ago 2002, since then I'm having a hard time getting pregnant. I've done acupuncture for a year still no baby then I seek help from the Fertility center this year. I have two IUI done this year still no baby. I'm using all of our savings and couple of credit cards for my fertility visits/medications. I'm getting frustrated and giving up hopes. My insurance does not cover the IVF but it covers 50% copay for the IUI injection. Should I continue doing the IUI or I should give up?
My husband wish to have at least one child.
I need Dr. Phil's help. Please advise.
wanting another baby
Posted by: baby_d0ll
Posted on: 2003-11-21 02:18:17

im a 23 year old military wife with fourkids three boys and one girl.my boys ages are 5,4,3and my daughter is two .i want another girl .but my husband dont want another child because he is always gone but i feel that something is missing, your problably wondering why.im a great mom especially how young i am ,but i feel so much need for one.im financially stable.my three year old had a cleft lip and palate and im scared it will happen to me again.we have been discussing being a serrogate mother for people that cant have one i want them to feel what i do with my kids and still have another one of our own just later on when our youngest one is in school ,so we worked it out that we both have what we need.if people would discuss it like we did it will work.im sorry it hasnt worked out for you but im sure something will happen for you just dont give up!!!!!!!!!
Re: Having a baby you can't
Posted by: samilic
Posted on: 2003-10-22 23:41:53

I feel so blessed lately that complete strangers are reaching out to shine a ray of hope on our situation. We are the few who truly understand one another and I agree with you that going through infertiltiy takes over your whole life. Randy is coming around to my needs and I am being sensitive to his concerns. I believe we will have beautiful children out of this-either through our own creation or by the gift of adoption. Baby dust to you on your next attempt to have a sibling for your miracle son!! Samantha from show
I gave my husband an ultimatum, too
Posted by: moomoogal
Posted on: 2003-10-23 16:22:23

In March, I told my husband the same thing. At that time, he was only intersted in my getting fertility treatment, not him. He was okay with my taking lots of drugs, but he did not want to do insemination (with his sperm). He finally changed his mind about the insemination, but if that doesn't work, we will be discussing IVF. So far, he's not interested in that. I think he's just afraid of the unknown.
Untold consequences
Posted by: gmaw5j
Posted on: 2003-10-22 15:41:08

My husband and I tried to conceive in the 8yrs. we were married-finally had a wonderful boy, and 4yrs. later, a beautiful daughter. We loved and enjoyed each other during the yrs. we waited. He died at age 51, when I was 46. I have been so thankful for those yrs. that we had before our kids, because I don't have him with me to enjoy retirement. They need to concentrate on each other---God has a plan, and is never wrong! I now have 5 wonderful grandchildren, who guide me through old age. Thankful for all the blessings.
Re: Untold Consequences
Posted by: samilic
Posted on: 2003-10-22 23:49:01

God bless you for your strength to share your story! I am right with you that God has a plan and that He does not make mistakes, but I am having a hard time accepting that right now because I do not understand why it is not our time to have children. We have everything to offer-we even do not have anything to argue over besides the best option for us to be blessed with children...In time, the truth shall be revealed, but until then, thank you for your inspiration!! (Samantha from show)
Samanatha
Posted by: moomoogal
Posted on: 2003-10-23 16:24:49

The show actually considered us to be on this show. We ultimately declined. I was so surprised to see you and your husband on the show. You are us, a year from now. I can totally understand how you feel. Thanks for going on the show. I have learned from you.
Another thought
Posted by: mtnmab
Posted on: 2003-10-24 19:38:06

Perhaps God's plan is that you and your husband share your love with a child that's been given up for adoption. There are so many children out there (we see it every week on our local Wednesday's Child) that want nothing more than a loving home and to be a part of a family.

To me, the important thing is being a good parent to a child, whether the child biological or has been adopted.
Re: Agree by kvhgirl
Posted by: samilic
Posted on: 2003-10-22 23:32:15

I am Samantha from today's episode on couples divided over having children. Thank you so much for your "educational" note on the man side of infertility! I value your opinion and I am learning that men just think differently than we do, especially when it comes to having children! If I would have known that all I needed to do was call Dr. Phil and have a lot of response from it, I would already know that it is not hopeless! We are sticking together through this and have for the 5 years we have been together...I am just scared now that I am getting to the age where my chances of conceiving diminish. Thank you, again!!
Don't rush it
Posted by: mtnmab
Posted on: 2003-10-24 19:43:19

Samantha, you are still so young. When I was 28 my husband and I were still getting the hang of being married. We had so many marital ups and downs when we were that age that I'm thankful we waited to have children. That would not have been a good environment for a child.

My mom was 34 when she had me. I have a friend who had a healthy baby at 40. I think Dr. Phil gave you fantastic advice: get your marriage right first so that you and your husband can provide a loving and nurturing environment for your child. And don't let age be a factor in your decision.
only child
Posted by: momof1ds
Posted on: 2003-10-22 15:32:19

My son is an only child and was curious about Dr.Phil's comment on how a only child can think the world revolves around him/her. Since you are an only child I was wondering what your comments are and how do you prevent this from happening?
only child
Posted by: momto2kids
Posted on: 2003-10-22 17:23:46

I think the best thing my mom did that helped me was she ran a daycare. Just 4 or 5 kids but I really think that helped me learn to share and get along with others. I have 2 friends that are only children and their moms were stay at home moms who made the world revolve around them. If they wanted something they got it. If they wanted to go somewhere they went. They both had a hard time starting school and learning to get along with others.

So to answer your question, I think the best thing you can do it not give your son everything he wants. Make sure he knows you're the one making the decisions. Also get him involved with other kids as much as possible to help develope the social skills.
only child
Posted by: hairdo97
Posted on: 2003-10-23 10:26:11

My son is an only child and loves it.He has everything he wants plus some.I personally feel that I couldn't handle anymore children.I am the youngest of three and don't really get along with my sibs.My sister only talks to me when she needs a haircut.I haven't spoken to my brother for over a year because I hate his wife.Didn't attend their wedding either.I don't want my son to have these same feelings.An only child is NOT a lonely child.Peolpe need to focus on others issues that are more important.My son has a wonderful life and is a great kid.Dr. Phil I will add this at my own risk,I can honestly admit that I don't really like kids that much.I avoid family functions because there are too may kids.
Only Child-Reply
Posted by: suslev56
Posted on: 2003-10-23 11:28:03

Hairdo97, my DS is exactly the same way; he loves being an only, and having his mom (and dad) all to himself. Having been the oldest of four growing up, I knew that IF I became a parent in the future (the jury was out until my 30's), it would be to one child only. And I've never regretted my choice, although some people in the past kept predicting I would. Hasn't happened yet, and it never will. And I also feel the same as you about large groups of kids. Not my cup of tea, neither are they my son's.

The way I see it, people do need to know their limitations; what they can and cannot handle. Melissa obviously knows what her limitations are, as do all of us other moms of onlies by choice. There will always be those who consider us "selfish" for making the choice we feel is best for us. And I'll keep saying, sorry, I disagree. :-) SusanL