01/24 Self-Defeating Games
1 | 2 | 3 | 4Letting go of control
Posted by: scout_mom
Posted on: 2003-01-24 09:57:48
I really could see this program in my own life. I've been working on letting go of controlling everything. One day my oldest son wanted to do something... it wasn't how I wanted it done... I started to get upset then caught myself... and I told him "No, that's okay, you can do it your way and it will be fine. " He looked at me like... sure Mom... He asked if I was mad at him. "No, I don't need to have it done my way." As a result, he listens better when I do need to have something done my way. I have even found times when his way was better (hey I'm woman enough to admit it.. most of the time).
Of course my youngest ALWAYS works at finding a way to do what you say differently than how you say it. Doesn't work well at school!
Posted by: scout_mom
Posted on: 2003-01-24 09:57:48
I really could see this program in my own life. I've been working on letting go of controlling everything. One day my oldest son wanted to do something... it wasn't how I wanted it done... I started to get upset then caught myself... and I told him "No, that's okay, you can do it your way and it will be fine. " He looked at me like... sure Mom... He asked if I was mad at him. "No, I don't need to have it done my way." As a result, he listens better when I do need to have something done my way. I have even found times when his way was better (hey I'm woman enough to admit it.. most of the time).
Of course my youngest ALWAYS works at finding a way to do what you say differently than how you say it. Doesn't work well at school!
advice to first guest
Posted by: jerkyboy35
Posted on: 2003-01-24 10:34:10
Dr. Phil,
I would like to pass a little advice to the father who had a problem telling his wife and kids he loves them. I was raised by an alcoholic father, who almost drank himself into an early grave. He has been sober now for 17 years. But while drinking, he always made it a point to tell us he loved us each and every night. So, tell him to make the time, not take the time and tell his "loved" ones "I Love You". The benefits he will gain can't be put into words. To this day I remain close to my father because of those nightly 3 words, just a thought. Thank you for your time.
Posted by: jerkyboy35
Posted on: 2003-01-24 10:34:10
Dr. Phil,
I would like to pass a little advice to the father who had a problem telling his wife and kids he loves them. I was raised by an alcoholic father, who almost drank himself into an early grave. He has been sober now for 17 years. But while drinking, he always made it a point to tell us he loved us each and every night. So, tell him to make the time, not take the time and tell his "loved" ones "I Love You". The benefits he will gain can't be put into words. To this day I remain close to my father because of those nightly 3 words, just a thought. Thank you for your time.
Our Past May Hold Clues
Posted by: kmsangel
Posted on: 2003-01-24 10:40:29
My husband came from an abusive background. I never understood why my husband would clam up every time we had an issue come up. He would say "yes" just to shut me up, act like he agreed, and then go do whatever he wanted. This has gone on for years. I could never understand how someone could agree and be lying about it. Fortunately, it doesn't happen all the time, and in fact he seems to be getting more honest with me now.
Once I was talking to someone about my husband's childhood and the person told me my husband's reaction to conflict might be his way of controling his temper (I've seldom seen his temper). He may be so afraid he'll react as his dad did that he refuses to enter into conflict. It made me stop and think. It had a ring of truth to what she told me and I started seeing our relationship differently.
Posted by: kmsangel
Posted on: 2003-01-24 10:40:29
My husband came from an abusive background. I never understood why my husband would clam up every time we had an issue come up. He would say "yes" just to shut me up, act like he agreed, and then go do whatever he wanted. This has gone on for years. I could never understand how someone could agree and be lying about it. Fortunately, it doesn't happen all the time, and in fact he seems to be getting more honest with me now.
Once I was talking to someone about my husband's childhood and the person told me my husband's reaction to conflict might be his way of controling his temper (I've seldom seen his temper). He may be so afraid he'll react as his dad did that he refuses to enter into conflict. It made me stop and think. It had a ring of truth to what she told me and I started seeing our relationship differently.
kmsangel
Posted by: jiummy
Posted on: 2003-01-25 14:28:05
I could swear we are married to the same guy!My husband is a wonderful person but he avoids anything that resembles an argument. The problem is because he does this I really don't know what he really feels.
Posted by: jiummy
Posted on: 2003-01-25 14:28:05
I could swear we are married to the same guy!My husband is a wonderful person but he avoids anything that resembles an argument. The problem is because he does this I really don't know what he really feels.
MY QUIET NON ASSERTATIVE/EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE H
Posted by: willow1948
Posted on: 2003-01-29 16:18:47
HI,
I too am married to a man who is very quiet and hates any type of confontation. We are separated at this time, he has moved out 7 wks ago, without notice, on Dec 12th 02. I came home from work and all of his belongings were gone! Anyway we have tried 6 weeks of counseling, and he has quit, said there isn't any issues to discuss any longer, yet he still is playing word games about when he is coming home. This husband of mine is so emotionally unavailable, he just can't say what he means, so avoids any type of arguement or discuss about our problems, when I talk to him he clams up, sits with his arms folded, or puts his head in his hands and just sighs alot! I asked him for our house keys back/and garage door opener last night, he was shocked that I would do this! I gave him a note telling him I wasn't going to ask him or beg him to come back home any longer because he can't give my any "valid" input or keeps changing dates, so I am therefore dealing with trying to talk to a wall, yet he tells me he really loves me! So I know what having a very un agressive husband is like, I live with one for 6 years, my heart is crushed!
Genie/
Dallas
Posted by: willow1948
Posted on: 2003-01-29 16:18:47
HI,
I too am married to a man who is very quiet and hates any type of confontation. We are separated at this time, he has moved out 7 wks ago, without notice, on Dec 12th 02. I came home from work and all of his belongings were gone! Anyway we have tried 6 weeks of counseling, and he has quit, said there isn't any issues to discuss any longer, yet he still is playing word games about when he is coming home. This husband of mine is so emotionally unavailable, he just can't say what he means, so avoids any type of arguement or discuss about our problems, when I talk to him he clams up, sits with his arms folded, or puts his head in his hands and just sighs alot! I asked him for our house keys back/and garage door opener last night, he was shocked that I would do this! I gave him a note telling him I wasn't going to ask him or beg him to come back home any longer because he can't give my any "valid" input or keeps changing dates, so I am therefore dealing with trying to talk to a wall, yet he tells me he really loves me! So I know what having a very un agressive husband is like, I live with one for 6 years, my heart is crushed!
Genie/
Dallas
Chip and Sandi
Posted by: katlanger
Posted on: 2003-01-24 10:42:55
Gosh Dr. Phil. I don't think that Chip had his heart AT ALL in his commitment that he made on public television on your program to be more emotionally available to his family. He, I feel, was playing the self-defeating game with you on that show. It appeared to be the nice guy role. Just to appease his wife and tell you what you wanted to hear. I am concerned for Sandi and her children. Chip has a lot of changing to do and I don't think that he is ready to part his old ways.
Posted by: katlanger
Posted on: 2003-01-24 10:42:55
Gosh Dr. Phil. I don't think that Chip had his heart AT ALL in his commitment that he made on public television on your program to be more emotionally available to his family. He, I feel, was playing the self-defeating game with you on that show. It appeared to be the nice guy role. Just to appease his wife and tell you what you wanted to hear. I am concerned for Sandi and her children. Chip has a lot of changing to do and I don't think that he is ready to part his old ways.
Agreed
Posted by: lacy33428
Posted on: 2003-01-24 16:22:25
Even in the end when his wife was trying to reach out to him you could see him "play the game' and then pull way.....his kids will miss having a daddy if he can't break the cycle of "manly correctness" crap that they are spoonfed from childhood.
Posted by: lacy33428
Posted on: 2003-01-24 16:22:25
Even in the end when his wife was trying to reach out to him you could see him "play the game' and then pull way.....his kids will miss having a daddy if he can't break the cycle of "manly correctness" crap that they are spoonfed from childhood.
Chip and Sandi
Posted by: ginny02
Posted on: 2003-01-24 23:18:21
I agree with Katlanger. But I absolutely loved the way Dr. Phil tried to make him understand (with the example of how his respect grew by seeing how his wife handled all the things she did). I believe Chip thinks he's so much better than his wife.
I also believe that it is very hard for him to become emotional and showing love. I hope he can change because it seems that his kids relate love only to their mom.
vs
Posted by: ginny02
Posted on: 2003-01-24 23:18:21
I agree with Katlanger. But I absolutely loved the way Dr. Phil tried to make him understand (with the example of how his respect grew by seeing how his wife handled all the things she did). I believe Chip thinks he's so much better than his wife.
I also believe that it is very hard for him to become emotional and showing love. I hope he can change because it seems that his kids relate love only to their mom.
vs
ginny...About "understanding"..
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-01-25 11:43:06
Understanding a problem and doing something about it are two entirely different things. Whether it be man or woman, whoever has a problem expressing their love to another has a problem loving themselves...and it's no fun. I've been there! Now either we can blame him/her for their insecurity or we can "understand" their problem and have compassion for them. I strongly suggest compassion.
I assert Dr Phil would do well to advise people like Chip to seek counseling...and to many more of his guests also. To think that 5-10 minutes of spontaneous advice or "understanding" one's issues will make much of an impact is naive. But I'm not saying that's Dr Phil's thinking. It is show biz, however.
As one of my greatest teachers said, "Many times understanding is the booby prize." Without making a commitment and taking action, understanding is useless. Taking action is the path to healing. Love & peace, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-01-25 11:43:06
Understanding a problem and doing something about it are two entirely different things. Whether it be man or woman, whoever has a problem expressing their love to another has a problem loving themselves...and it's no fun. I've been there! Now either we can blame him/her for their insecurity or we can "understand" their problem and have compassion for them. I strongly suggest compassion.
I assert Dr Phil would do well to advise people like Chip to seek counseling...and to many more of his guests also. To think that 5-10 minutes of spontaneous advice or "understanding" one's issues will make much of an impact is naive. But I'm not saying that's Dr Phil's thinking. It is show biz, however.
As one of my greatest teachers said, "Many times understanding is the booby prize." Without making a commitment and taking action, understanding is useless. Taking action is the path to healing. Love & peace, Donny
GINNY...ABOUT UNDERSTANDING
Posted by: katsbox02
Posted on: 2003-01-25 21:54:34
YOU CERTAINLY HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. "BEING AWARE" IS ONLY A SMALL PART OF CHANGE, YOU CAN BE ARROGANT, AND BLAME DR. PHIL FOR A QUICK FIX QUACK, OR TAKE THE LESSON, AND RUN WITH IT. I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE, THAT IT IS THE ACTION PART THEY MUST ACCEPT, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR, AND ACTUALLY "DO" SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO CHANGE...IT TAKES TIME, TRIAL AND ERROR, AND SHEER DETERMINATION. LET'S NOT FORGET, AWARENESS IS ONLY THE SMALLEST GLIMMER OF LIGHT TO CHANGE ITSELF...GET INVOLVED. DO THE WORK, IT TAKES A LIFETIME.
Posted by: katsbox02
Posted on: 2003-01-25 21:54:34
YOU CERTAINLY HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. "BEING AWARE" IS ONLY A SMALL PART OF CHANGE, YOU CAN BE ARROGANT, AND BLAME DR. PHIL FOR A QUICK FIX QUACK, OR TAKE THE LESSON, AND RUN WITH IT. I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T APPRECIATE, THAT IT IS THE ACTION PART THEY MUST ACCEPT, AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR, AND ACTUALLY "DO" SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO CHANGE...IT TAKES TIME, TRIAL AND ERROR, AND SHEER DETERMINATION. LET'S NOT FORGET, AWARENESS IS ONLY THE SMALLEST GLIMMER OF LIGHT TO CHANGE ITSELF...GET INVOLVED. DO THE WORK, IT TAKES A LIFETIME.
Pity Pot/Poor Me
Posted by: bmbfnc
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:15:57
Dear Dr. Phil,
Perhaps you should add the pity pot/poor me defense to your self-defeating games. Why is everyone banging on Chip? I think Sandi likes playing games with her husband via her children (e.g., I have to tell them that he loves them). It appears that she may be planting this seed of doubt into her children's brains. He gives them his time, what is wrong with that? My father is not the most demonstrative man on the planet but he was always there for us and still is, and we never doubted his love for us.
One more thing Dr. Phil, you have a tendancy to be a more harsh with the husbands on your show and give the wives a bit of a free ride (hence: the above). There have been several women on your show that deserved down in the country from you. Especially the women who are excessively critical with their children and spouses.
Posted by: bmbfnc
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:15:57
Dear Dr. Phil,
Perhaps you should add the pity pot/poor me defense to your self-defeating games. Why is everyone banging on Chip? I think Sandi likes playing games with her husband via her children (e.g., I have to tell them that he loves them). It appears that she may be planting this seed of doubt into her children's brains. He gives them his time, what is wrong with that? My father is not the most demonstrative man on the planet but he was always there for us and still is, and we never doubted his love for us.
One more thing Dr. Phil, you have a tendancy to be a more harsh with the husbands on your show and give the wives a bit of a free ride (hence: the above). There have been several women on your show that deserved down in the country from you. Especially the women who are excessively critical with their children and spouses.
Amen! Definite bias towards women!
Posted by: cat1422
Posted on: 2003-01-24 16:17:23
Yes, I completely agree! Was Dr. Phil trying to get women all "riled up" or something? I did not hear the husband implying that logic was "above" reason. He said, "men are more logical and women are more emotional." I don't agree with that, but the sexism perhaps lies in Dr. Phil for ASSUMING he was implying logic is superior to reason, or assuming women would be angered by his ignorance.
I think that the wife was judging her husband as well, perhaps implying that emotion is superior to logic. She was, after all, saying he wasn't emotional enough. I've heard women say men aren't "sensitive" enough - are they implying men are inferior, or less human than women are? I think Dr. Phil could have looked for common ground here. Instead, because the man made a biased statement, he assumed he had to play the big tough man taking on all those bad guys out there who look at "emotion" as inferior. It goes both ways! Emotion and logic aren't mutually exclusive! I think Dr. Phil tries to be fair, he isn't an outright male feminist. I think the assumption is that for a show geared towards women is that this is what we want to hear. Men are getting a bad rap!
Posted by: cat1422
Posted on: 2003-01-24 16:17:23
Yes, I completely agree! Was Dr. Phil trying to get women all "riled up" or something? I did not hear the husband implying that logic was "above" reason. He said, "men are more logical and women are more emotional." I don't agree with that, but the sexism perhaps lies in Dr. Phil for ASSUMING he was implying logic is superior to reason, or assuming women would be angered by his ignorance.
I think that the wife was judging her husband as well, perhaps implying that emotion is superior to logic. She was, after all, saying he wasn't emotional enough. I've heard women say men aren't "sensitive" enough - are they implying men are inferior, or less human than women are? I think Dr. Phil could have looked for common ground here. Instead, because the man made a biased statement, he assumed he had to play the big tough man taking on all those bad guys out there who look at "emotion" as inferior. It goes both ways! Emotion and logic aren't mutually exclusive! I think Dr. Phil tries to be fair, he isn't an outright male feminist. I think the assumption is that for a show geared towards women is that this is what we want to hear. Men are getting a bad rap!
Perfect life!
Posted by: hjenos
Posted on: 2003-01-24 16:31:05
well to the two people who said por me, i would have to bet you have never been in that kind of a situation, and i think the point was even made of being a dad in general. Untill you have truely loved someone and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them, and take on their responsibility, along with being the one to keep the family together you wouldnt understand, some woman need a little love in affection, and surely you know children need it too. I think a childs future determins how parents are involved, no just physically, but mentaly.
Posted by: hjenos
Posted on: 2003-01-24 16:31:05
well to the two people who said por me, i would have to bet you have never been in that kind of a situation, and i think the point was even made of being a dad in general. Untill you have truely loved someone and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them, and take on their responsibility, along with being the one to keep the family together you wouldnt understand, some woman need a little love in affection, and surely you know children need it too. I think a childs future determins how parents are involved, no just physically, but mentaly.
needing control WILL wear you out
Posted by: dorothyweb
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:21:47
Wathing the shows about people who need to be in control and always right hit's close to home for me. Dr. Phil tells each person that they will wear themselves out with this behavior.
I notice that the impact of what "wearing themselves out" just does not get through to them. And why would it, unless you have experienced the effects of wearing the body and spirt out, you have no clue.
I am a 52 year old female who was a great control freek for most of my life. I controlled because things got done and they got done right! However in my late 30's I started noticing physical problems such as frequent colds and flu, neck and back pain. By age 45 I was in physical therapy for the pain and unable to work more than 40 hours a week. By age 48 my body wore out, I had fibroymlasia and was generally very sick. I had to quit work and ended up on SSI disability. My income went from 70K to 12K. My marriage ended, my children moved away and I was alone with a body that couldn't walk from the bed to the bath without a rest. The doctors said I had a physical break down and I knew that I also had an spiritual break down (even my religion was all about control and guilt).
Now at 52 I am better. I still am not able to work and am trying to hang onto my home financially.
Somehow Dr. Phil has got to get throught to these women what wearing themselves out means
Posted by: dorothyweb
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:21:47
Wathing the shows about people who need to be in control and always right hit's close to home for me. Dr. Phil tells each person that they will wear themselves out with this behavior.
I notice that the impact of what "wearing themselves out" just does not get through to them. And why would it, unless you have experienced the effects of wearing the body and spirt out, you have no clue.
I am a 52 year old female who was a great control freek for most of my life. I controlled because things got done and they got done right! However in my late 30's I started noticing physical problems such as frequent colds and flu, neck and back pain. By age 45 I was in physical therapy for the pain and unable to work more than 40 hours a week. By age 48 my body wore out, I had fibroymlasia and was generally very sick. I had to quit work and ended up on SSI disability. My income went from 70K to 12K. My marriage ended, my children moved away and I was alone with a body that couldn't walk from the bed to the bath without a rest. The doctors said I had a physical break down and I knew that I also had an spiritual break down (even my religion was all about control and guilt).
Now at 52 I am better. I still am not able to work and am trying to hang onto my home financially.
Somehow Dr. Phil has got to get throught to these women what wearing themselves out means
Lynn
Posted by: kare1966
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:24:39
To me it seems like Lynn is basically repeating the cycle of what was done to her as a child. If her husband is wrong, she rubs his nose in it, trying to get him to see he is wrong. Im sure she doesnt want to do it but I would guess in the future she might act in a similar manner to her child as they grow up and make mistakes like all little kids do. We all try so hard to make things better for our kids than what we had, but sometimes it backfires and we end up being abusive in a different way like verbally. I hope she can work this through and see how much happier life can be when you can laugh at some of lifes small mistakes.
Posted by: kare1966
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:24:39
To me it seems like Lynn is basically repeating the cycle of what was done to her as a child. If her husband is wrong, she rubs his nose in it, trying to get him to see he is wrong. Im sure she doesnt want to do it but I would guess in the future she might act in a similar manner to her child as they grow up and make mistakes like all little kids do. We all try so hard to make things better for our kids than what we had, but sometimes it backfires and we end up being abusive in a different way like verbally. I hope she can work this through and see how much happier life can be when you can laugh at some of lifes small mistakes.
Controling or Responsible?
Posted by: anbhead
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:44:38
I am married for the third time. We are not doing well.We have four children one is my husbands from his past marriage. My husband lets his exwife, daughter and his mother walk all over him. His mom deals with his exwife reguarding his daughter and leaves him out, his exwife pretends he isnt alive, unless she wants money, he has no role in his daughters life, she comes every other weekend but unless I do it, she gets no bath sleeps in her wet bed, I seem to be the only one who knows if or when she is suppose to be with us.We are still in court over money issues with his exwife, he does nothing about the money issuses or his mothers involvement with his exwife. I tell him its not fair to me I have to take care of his daughter because he wont, talk to his exwife and fight with her or she would have all of our money, and pretend to not be hurt about his mom. am I controlling? am I making him passive? I feel Iam trying to be responsible for a childs well bring that cant be ignored and bills that are taking from my children and my future, and standing up for myself and wanting respect from his mother? my husband thinks Iam controlling....I want our marriage to work its very hard, I get very angry.please some one help us!!!!
Posted by: anbhead
Posted on: 2003-01-24 11:44:38
I am married for the third time. We are not doing well.We have four children one is my husbands from his past marriage. My husband lets his exwife, daughter and his mother walk all over him. His mom deals with his exwife reguarding his daughter and leaves him out, his exwife pretends he isnt alive, unless she wants money, he has no role in his daughters life, she comes every other weekend but unless I do it, she gets no bath sleeps in her wet bed, I seem to be the only one who knows if or when she is suppose to be with us.We are still in court over money issues with his exwife, he does nothing about the money issuses or his mothers involvement with his exwife. I tell him its not fair to me I have to take care of his daughter because he wont, talk to his exwife and fight with her or she would have all of our money, and pretend to not be hurt about his mom. am I controlling? am I making him passive? I feel Iam trying to be responsible for a childs well bring that cant be ignored and bills that are taking from my children and my future, and standing up for myself and wanting respect from his mother? my husband thinks Iam controlling....I want our marriage to work its very hard, I get very angry.please some one help us!!!!
controlling or responsible
Posted by: rmknlp
Posted on: 2003-01-24 14:01:32
I suggest being a counsellor in Canada(BC) that you define the boundaries that you want to live in. Your husband can too. You have to ask yourself, do I want to live this life? Do I have a choice? Of course you do. It's a decision, just like getting up and putting your pants on. You get up and decide what kind of life you want and go ahead and take it. First, get you and your husband together and get an agreement that this present situation isn't working. Then write some small, realistic goals that you want to achieve, after accomplishing them, do a few more from there build, write it down tho. It becomes more defined when we write it down. Define your boundaries. Can and, are you willing, to live this life? It is up to you how you live it. You are always in choice. Negotiation is part of life, you have to negotiate this marriage.
*rmknlp@yahoo.com*
Posted by: rmknlp
Posted on: 2003-01-24 14:01:32
I suggest being a counsellor in Canada(BC) that you define the boundaries that you want to live in. Your husband can too. You have to ask yourself, do I want to live this life? Do I have a choice? Of course you do. It's a decision, just like getting up and putting your pants on. You get up and decide what kind of life you want and go ahead and take it. First, get you and your husband together and get an agreement that this present situation isn't working. Then write some small, realistic goals that you want to achieve, after accomplishing them, do a few more from there build, write it down tho. It becomes more defined when we write it down. Define your boundaries. Can and, are you willing, to live this life? It is up to you how you live it. You are always in choice. Negotiation is part of life, you have to negotiate this marriage.
*rmknlp@yahoo.com*
Define the problem
Posted by: zellersgs
Posted on: 2003-01-25 07:26:49
How similar is this husband to the last two? I don't think you made him passive, perhaps you chose him for it. Take a moment to decide what is necessary for you and your children, financially and emotionally. As far as your stepdaughter, she's obviously having her own emotional problems (wetting the bed), she doesn't need to feel the saintly aura you are putting forward. Either you are there to love her, or not. If he choses to ignore her needs, you have to decide to be there for her regardless or not at all. Love for children should never be contingent on my duty/your duty. She's in your home, part of your life. Perhaps you are or can be the only "safe" place for her heart. Loving a child is not a competition of who does more, it just needs to be about the child, period. No blaming, just love.
Absolutely stand up for your family. However, if he has no backbone now, chances are he had none when you married him.
The best defense against personal attacks - ask yourself, are they right? If so, do I need to work on that personally. If wrong, smile and say thank you for the advice. You'll throw them off their attack with kindness. It takes two to fight. If you bow out with dignity, in the end you win.
Posted by: zellersgs
Posted on: 2003-01-25 07:26:49
How similar is this husband to the last two? I don't think you made him passive, perhaps you chose him for it. Take a moment to decide what is necessary for you and your children, financially and emotionally. As far as your stepdaughter, she's obviously having her own emotional problems (wetting the bed), she doesn't need to feel the saintly aura you are putting forward. Either you are there to love her, or not. If he choses to ignore her needs, you have to decide to be there for her regardless or not at all. Love for children should never be contingent on my duty/your duty. She's in your home, part of your life. Perhaps you are or can be the only "safe" place for her heart. Loving a child is not a competition of who does more, it just needs to be about the child, period. No blaming, just love.
Absolutely stand up for your family. However, if he has no backbone now, chances are he had none when you married him.
The best defense against personal attacks - ask yourself, are they right? If so, do I need to work on that personally. If wrong, smile and say thank you for the advice. You'll throw them off their attack with kindness. It takes two to fight. If you bow out with dignity, in the end you win.
To Anbhead...Regarding Your Anger...
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-01-26 15:44:11
In my opinion, the 2 other messages to you are intelligent and sound. You should seriously consider their advice. I just want to add one thing. Make no mistake, before you look for who to blame for your anger, take a look in the mirror. She's who you're really angry with! How can that be? Simply because she's the one who got you into this mess in the first place. So who you're really angry with is you! And that's where you start.
But you don't get to blame her(meaning yourself). However, you got yourself in, and you can get yourself out. How? By taking full responsibility for yourself and not blaming anyone else. It's crucial too that you understand that responsibility is not faulting or blaming. Love & peace, Donny
Posted by: donnybaby
Posted on: 2003-01-26 15:44:11
In my opinion, the 2 other messages to you are intelligent and sound. You should seriously consider their advice. I just want to add one thing. Make no mistake, before you look for who to blame for your anger, take a look in the mirror. She's who you're really angry with! How can that be? Simply because she's the one who got you into this mess in the first place. So who you're really angry with is you! And that's where you start.
But you don't get to blame her(meaning yourself). However, you got yourself in, and you can get yourself out. How? By taking full responsibility for yourself and not blaming anyone else. It's crucial too that you understand that responsibility is not faulting or blaming. Love & peace, Donny
good show
Posted by: cynthiasa
Posted on: 2003-01-24 15:29:51
guests presented sincere and I applaud their efforts for getting real...I like how Dr. Phil's responses can be applied by all of us as food for thought and guidance for change/action; I especially was moved by his own testimony that honored his wife...thank you to all involved for a nice presented show!
Posted by: cynthiasa
Posted on: 2003-01-24 15:29:51
guests presented sincere and I applaud their efforts for getting real...I like how Dr. Phil's responses can be applied by all of us as food for thought and guidance for change/action; I especially was moved by his own testimony that honored his wife...thank you to all involved for a nice presented show!
